Old Musings

An Ode to Massage

2012-01-31T16:08:00.000-08:00

I wish I could say definitively that my funk has lifted: it has changed, however. I'm still in limbo and doing, as I'd expected, more testing to figure out what's going on in this body and what to do about it. My expected outcomes range from 'Oh, no problem. A little medication change and we're good' to "OMG, we need to do WHAT?." I'm leaning more toward the former. My imagination sometimes gets a little dramatic.

Massage is good for the soul, though, as well as the body, and after one today from the talented and busy Natalie Peterson (plus this morning's yoga class), I'm feeling the Zen. At one point during the massage, I could swear I was nestled on the bosom of the Great Mother (that was what came into my head), wrapped up in those great arms, even to the point of hearing Her heart beat (it was not mine nor Nat's). It was very reassuring and comforting, and I can still envision myself in that feeling of loving, healing calm and power. It will be an image that I will recall and use to help me cope with anxiety and stress in the coming weeks.

When I last worked for a company other than our own, I got to the point where I was having weekly massages from a wonderful therapist, and I swear it was all that kept me sane and going as long as I did. At that time my health insurance would pay at least partial benefits, but honestly, I would have figured out a way to do them even if it hadn't. Massage is so much more than a spa-type benefit, and it is finally getting its due recognition as a health benefit.

During my mother's last years in a nursing home, she participated in what was then a pilot program titled Compassionate Touch. A caring massage therapist visited her weekly and in 30-minute sessions, gently massaged her and talked to her. She always felt so much better and calmer afterwards, and she and her therapist developed a wonderful relationship. Nursing home residents -- indeed, so many of our elderly -- are so touch-deprived anyway, at least of loving, caring touch, and I always felt like Ann Catlin, the Compassionate Touch founder, was giving my much-loved mother the hugs and loving touch that I couldn't do very often, since I lived some 2000 miles away. The program has since grown tremendously and practioners all around the country are able to receive training and certification in many regional workshops.(Note to California therapists: there are only five Compassionate Touch practitioners listed. We have a lot of nursing homes, hospice, and other eldercare facilities in this state. You might want to consider this...just saying...)

Most cities now have a plethora of massage therapists and even schools where massages can cost as little as $10. In our little rural community, we have 10 therapists listed online and several in the phone book, and I know there are more. Chiropractic offices often have a staff massage therapist as well. Marinello School of Beauty in Redding has a training program, and there is also at least one program in Chico.

Take care of yourself. This is not a dress rehearsal, and massage is yet another way to help us find our path through life by taking kindest care for our miraculous selves.

In a bit of a funk

2012-01-26T16:24:00.000-08:00

It feels like so many things in my life and around me are up in the air, and I've never done limbo very well. And yes, the gray skies and rain that I so wanted have been here for several days, although sun is peeking through as i write, but gray skies and rain also can exacerbate moodiness, and I'm fighting it a bit.

Partly it's the cold that I'm getting over, and am very grateful that it did not get any worse than it did and that I can taste again. But it makes me tired and without much energy, and I've taken naps the last few days, something that is pretty rare for me.

Partly it is waiting for the results of a health test that I'll likely know about tomorrow. While I truly, deeply, do not think anything is terribly amiss, I think there could be some medication changes and possibly further testing. It -- or at least the what-if factor -- maks me feel terribly mortal and more than a little fragile, and that is never a good place to be.

And partly it is looking at all the bits and pieces of projects that need to be completed, few of which will take a long time, and just not wanting to tackle any of them. There are certainly more than a few that indeed will take time and effort,, like cleaning out the attic, but that's not one that is right under my nose. No, it's the scraps and bits of Christmas still left in the spare bedroom and the messy shelves in the laundry room that need to be tidied and stuff thrown away. I'm heading for the bedroom in a few minutes to at least clean off the floor.

And it's January, never my favorite month. The music and falala of the holidays are over, and it's on to hoping that we get enough rain to fill up the lakes and water tables and lessen the summer fire danger, and realizing that we have only a few more months to do that. While I love the freshness of spring, I'm not ready for the outdoor work that really needs to be done this year.

I know all this will pass and the test will be what it is and I'll adapt however I must. I know that Tony's last full-time day is less than a month away now, and that his long-awaited retirement will soon be here. I'm glad for that change, even though it also brings with it the acknowledgement that we are indeed in our 'golden' years, hopefully with many more good ones ahead of us to share.

What I know for sure: nothing lasts, everything changes. So it is with my life, so it is with yours.

“We're all just walking each other home.” ― Ram Dass

Icky cold -- we has it

2012-01-22T19:42:00.000-08:00

I'd forgotten how icky it is to have a cold. And I'm very grateful that I don't feel especially sick: my nose is drippy but my sinuses are congested despite using the nasal irrigator, and I occasionally have a bitty cough. My chief complaint today is that I can't taste anything.

Not sure where I got it, but there are so many who have been so sick for weeks with flu and cold and stuff, so I'm glad mine seems very mild. I'm drinking tea and sucking lozenges and wishing the Cold FX had gotten here in time for this. Fortunately I've had no trouble sleeping at night.

I think it's been a number of years since I had a cold or been sick, and I'll be happy to resume that schedule. I probably failed to wipe off a grocery cart or wash my hands once I got home. Won't make that mistake again.

Here's the tea recipe that I got from a friend a few years back -- thanks! Also known as chai tea, but without the milk although you could add it, it really helps and is full of flavor, not that I'm tasting it today:

Masala Tea

2 inch piece of ginger

9 cups cold water

1 1/2 inch cinnamon stick

6 to 8 small green cardamom pods

6 to 8 whole cloves

1 tablespoon tea leaves, preferably a blend of Indian teas, or 2 or 3 tea bags

honey to taste

Scrape the ginger. Place it on a board and give it a few gentle blows with a mallet so that it breaks into several pieces.

Pour the water into a medium-size pot. Add the ginger, cinnamon, cardamom pods, and cloves and bring to a boil. (I use a tea brewing basket to hold the spices.) Reduce heat to low and simmer, covered, about 45 minutes to 1 hour.

Add tea and boil 2 to 4 minutes. Strain and serve the tea with honey to taste.

May you be well and not need to drink this for a cold remedy!

You don't know what you got....

2012-01-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

Joni Mitchell's lyrics are running through my head today: "Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got
Til its gone..."

While I'm not talking about paving paradise and parking lots, I am thinking of how we age and the subtleties of how it happens. Aging is not something I thought about at all in my 20s or 30s, and never a lot even in my 40s, although there were plenty of changes in that decade that had to do with aging and perhaps maturing in one way or another.

And even into my early 50s, an especially wonderful time in my life as Tony and I met and eventually got married, the aging process was noticed, but was not yet a big deal.

As I approach 65, it is becoming more so.

There is almost no brown left in my hair, I noticed during a haircut this morning. It's a mix of greys and silvers with a touch of white here and there. Over the years, it started as a sort of mousey brown and changed to a darker, richer reddish brown, and I experimented with various colors and textures -- perms, weaves, dark, blonde, light, red,streaked... And now it's straight and soft and full and fine. And grey. And it really works for me.

Older faces DO have wrinkles and creases, and I have 'em. And the awful jowly turkeyneck too, something I've yet to see successfully dealt with without a surgeon's intervention. I hated turkeyneck from my 20s. But I'm not doing any surgery that isn't absolutely necessary, lemme tell you. Turkeyneck doesn't qualify as essential repair. And hands -- ooo, those nasty veiny, my-aging-grandmother hands. Moisturize. Moisturize.

Things don't work like they did, from the limbs and joints to the bladder and teeth. My urologist pats my hand and says, shaking her head, "Beth, God didn't mean for us to get old." My joints, several of them repaired with plates and screws, still work reasonably well, but that's if I keep taking the glucosamine-chondrotin-MSM stuff and drinking my folk remedy cocktail of grape juice and Certo. Yikes! I sound more like my grandmother every year!

Health takes more maintenance. Like a classic car, we're in the 'shop' (doctor's offices) more frequently, and the older we get, more tests/meds/effort are required to make sure the parts are running adequately. No matter if things have been reasonably okay up until now: you don't ignore the little stuff any longer because it can easily turn into bigger deals: expensive, complicated deals that can definitely mess with your quality of life.

Oh, food. That's definitely changed. We were talking about fried foods the other day, and I realized that it has probably been decades since I fried a chicken. Mashed potatoes and gravy? A couple of times a year, at the most. If I fix rice, it's brown and basmati, which has the lowest glycemic index load.

Who knew anything about glycemic index back in their 20s or 30s, or even 40s? Who cared? I ate and drank pretty much whatever I wanted, as did most of us. Not any more, although I'm grateful I appreciate fresh veggies and fruits as much as I do.

Now all this stuff isn't gone, but it's definitely changing. We take so much for granted on our path through life, or at least I sure did, always understanding that I'd get older, but not even slightly getting how much change aging brings, and how sneakily it creeps into your every day life, year by year. One year you're bouncing around in heels and cute little strappy sandals, and the next -- well, sooner than you'd think -- your feet are killing you and you're searching for 'comfort' shoes that are at least a little stylish.

I didn't appreciate most of it when I had it, either. I like to think I'd have taken better care of my skin, my body, even my health, and stopped eating or drinking things that were clearly not good for me even then.

So listen up: if you're lucky enough to live long enough, you're going to start to show the results of all the things you've done to your body over the years. Your skin and hair and teeth and organs are going to begin to show that they've carried you a long ways, and sometimes over a lot of dirt road.

Appreciate what you've got in your amazing life machine when you're young and aging is waaaaayyyy down the road, something that parents and grandparents do. Sooner than you think, you'll be there.

It's not all bad, mind you, this aging thing. But that's another day.

Working on a post

2012-01-18T23:11:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm working on a longer post, and I didn't get it done today. I'm thinking about aging and how things just change a bit at a time until one day we look at ourselves and wonder what happened and how did we get to be this age?

There are tradeoffs. You get older, but you also get smarter, or many people do and I like to think I'm one of them.

But bottom line is that I wish I'd paid more attention to things over all these years.

See you tomorrow with the full story.

The Vagina Monologues -- year four

2012-01-16T23:32:00.000-08:00

Tonight was the first rehearsal for the 2012 "The Vagina Monologues," presented for the fourth year locally and for the second year in Redding. I'm delighted to again be part of this cast, and also to be doing the same monologue as I've done for the last three years -- "The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy."

The production is a part of the larger international organization, VDay, founded by playwright Eve Ensler, and dedicated to ending violence against women and girls. It is not only about ending domestic violence, it also puts a spotlight on rape as an instrument of war and as genocide, and violent acts of hatred or anger that harm women or girls. It's about educating audiences and broadening attitudes.

The play is funny, angry, sad, introspective, bawdy, shocking. It can take an audience to tears in one moment and have them rolling in laughter the next. There are some new monologues this year that our audiences have not heard before, and we have a number of new cast members, several from Redding.

The monologues are the words of women who were interviewed by Ensler, and we never forget that: we interpret to audiences their words, which are real stories, not imaginary situations. Men are welcome: it is not a play only for women.

Performances are in Redding on Saturday, Feb. 25, 4 and 7:30 pm, and in Red Bluff on Saturday, March 3, at 7 pm. I'll post ticket links when they are up. The proceeds benefit Girls Inc. of the Northern Sacramento Valley, and part is also sent to the international VDay organization to help with the work they're doing to aid women.

I hope you'll come. Or if you aren't from here, please use the VDay link to find a performance near you, and go see it. It is important.

Rain on the way -- we hope!

2012-01-15T17:55:00.000-08:00

Our weather is sharply colder tonight and a north wind is sending the outdoor kitties into corners to shelter from the wind. Nevermind that they have houses that are packed with blankets, foam rubber padding, purrpads, and doors that help keep the wind out. They'll go in, just not when I'm looking.

But we have for the first time in a couple of months the promise of rain for this week. Our favorite Old Forecaster says that our area will have 1-2 inches of the stuff by this time next week, and more in the surrounding area. Since our grass is once again brown and crispy, after a brief greening-up following early winter rains in October-November, that will be most welcome. Most necessary, if we're to escape serious fire threat this summer.

I'm good with this. There is little I love more than snuggling down with an afghan in front of our warm woodstove, kitties curled deep on their tuffets (really RustiesGranny pet beds, which they LOVE, thankyouverymuch Tamina!), a cup of hot tea and something good on television -- and Sunday night is a big one, with Shameless, House of Lies, Californication, Desperate Housewives, Once Upon a Time, and I forget what else. Not that we watch all of that in one evening. It's hard to remember not having a DVR. We seldom watch anything live anymore because it is so easy to record and watch at our convenience.

Our day has been so good: brunch with friends at our favorite Mexican restaurant and then we went to see "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" which was quite good even though we haven't yet read the books. Tonight it's hot beef stew for dinner and a quiet evening enjoying shows. Tomorrow we're back to work and chores.

One of the posts I've been thinking through is about writing, prompted by a question asked at yesterday's Writers Forum conference: Why do you write? What a provocative thought, actually -- and I'll write about that sometime this week.

Another question from the same event asked about the kind of books I like to read and also authors I admire. That, too, deserves more thought, and I'll share with you. Generally, our leaders told us, writers read what they want to write. And I'm not sure that I do. Hm.

Renewing my intention

2012-01-14T19:49:00.000-08:00

(((Wow but my daily hits on this blog go down when I don't write every day. Duh.)))

After an inspiring all-day workshop about Becoming a Successful Writer in the Digital Age presented by the Redding Writers Forum, I'm again determined to write something every day, however, no matter how short.

Because I need to write.

Because I need the discipline of daily writing.

Because it is a craft, an art, and if I don't practice it and work at getting better, I am not growing or using this gift of words that I have. And I am grateful for that gift.

Ergo, I will write. Every day.

January is so LONG...

2012-01-03T15:37:00.000-08:00

(((I'm procrastinating putting away Christmas decorations. The tree stands still decorated; the stuff from the rest of the house is consolidated in the den (with the tree), and I need to get on with it. Soon as I write this, k?)))

We had the tree up longer this year than I've ever had it, and that's because I succumbed to the lure of the artificial tree this year. I'll admit it is easy: three sections, pop, pop, pop, plug, and it's ready to go -- well, with a bit of fluffing here and there. It holds our favorite ornaments and there is no hassle about stringing lights. I *never* thought I would get a fake tree.

I did, however, find some good Fraser fir room spray and little hanging thingies infused with the scent that satisfied my nostalgia for the tree smell. And I don't miss dry needles.

But it's over for another season. It's January. The leftover cookies and fudge are wrapped and tucked deep into the freezer. It's time for salad and veggies and sugar-free popsicles. And a positive attitude about the whole thing.

Maybe that's what I've always disliked about January: the resolution and diet thing. Well, that and the fact that I spent a lot of my adult years living in Midwest cities where you got snow and ice and gray skies from November to May. It just seems like January is too long in comparison with the other months (well, there IS August...)

I'm not doing anything especially new this year: still dieting, with good intentions to write daily and continue with yoga and whole body vibration machine and maybe even treatmill. And not to beat myself up over slipping. That'll do.

Onward to those decorations.

Changes for the New Year

2012-01-01T23:47:00.000-08:00

It feels odd not to have the Reverb11 prompts in my inbox every evening, and to think about what I'm going to write for the day's post. Reverb gave me a starting place for each day which often became more than its intent, since I usually would spend some time reflecting on the themes and checking my calendar to prod my memory.

Today, of course, was thinking of New Year's Day, especially from the past, but also noticing what turned out to be a very unseasonably warm day with plenty of sunshine. We enjoyed the company of friends today and good food -- I think we all ate too much, including too many cookies, and laughed a lot. May there be more of that this year.

Long ago in another life I used to cook something on New Year's Eve that was a new recipe, usually completely different from food I regularly prepare, and share it with friends who were not critical. Our kids and we adults played games like Trivial Pursuit or Pictionary or charades, and at midnight we'd go outside and bang pots and pans to welcome in the year. And even longer ago there were NYE parties, and some pretty awful hangovers the following day. And harking back to 1968 NYE, I was proposed to at the stroke of midnight. So many years have gone by since then. So much history. So many lessons.

We get to start over, if we want, with a new year, beginning a new month, a new year, and changing what it is we don't want to carry with us any longer. And yet we are who we were just moments before that midnight hour strikes. I am who I was those 43 years ago, but I am not the same person. My choices throughout each of those years inbetween have brought me to where I am now, and my choices in 2012 will find me changed on New Year's Day in 2013.

I get to choose what to keep and what to cultivate this year. I'd like to make those choices wise ones, ones that will enlighten my soul and make clearer my life's path. I'm grateful for the people in my life to help me do that.

Reverb11 -- Day 31 -- Reflect and Choice

2011-12-31T16:40:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Reflect - Take a moment to think back on your reverb11 responses. Have you learned anything? What surprised you about this experience? Which of your responses was your favourite?

#2 Prompt: Choice: What can you choose in 2012 to make your life better?

#1 -- When you take the time and make the effort to reflect on past experiences -- not to beat yourself up or to think about ways things coulda-should-woulda been handled differently, but truly examine the experience in the clear light of after-the-fact, it should always end up being a learning experience.

With Reverb, the year is up for review -- something I don't know I'd do so introspectively otherwise. I've learned that there were too many sad moments in 2011, too many mucky bogs to slog through a step at a time. I've learned that there were too few joyful moments, too little laughter, not enough fun.

I was most surprised, I guess, by the revelation that Mary Oliver's poem "The Journey" turned out to be the defining moment of 2011 for me -- a real 'Road to Damascus' moment that has shaped most of my actions since that dark night. I knew it was important; it is in the looking-back that the impact becomes noticeable in what my life has been since, and in the direction that I've been at pains to continue walking towards.

In that poem, that revelation, I was able to release my fears (mostly) and desperate need to make things better for someone else -- to 'fix' them. I was able to let go and turn towards my own life, and I've stayed on that path since.

What a strange place to find the light -- an issue of O Magazine, reading late on a dark and stormy night.

I like the honesty in my responses this year: I've put a lot out there for people to see, and yet I felt I was writing these letters to myself alone. I liked especially this post because it was a revelation to me as I was writing it, at least the part about forgiveness (I knew I liked food ;>}}}.

Reverb is a powerful writing tool and a revelation if approached with a willingness to examine oneself candidly and honestly. I think there will be additional Reverb-related e-mails this year and I'm also planning to seek out other writing prompts. That really helps with the discipline -- the 'doing the work' part -- of writing daily.

#2 -- What can I choose to make my life better? Being proactive about health issues, losing weight, easing stress will go a long way towards making my life better. I'm mostly doing that now, well, maybe except for losing weight. But I don't want to wait until some big health crisis looms large (like I'm in the emergency room) before I address issues that I know I have some control over -- and all too many of us do.

I can choose to do things I enjoy doing and to be with people who are positive, easy to be with, and who care about me as much as I care about them. I can choose to avoid groups and individuals whose negative energy and attitude are spirit-suckers -- you know, sort of like the Dementor's Kiss in Harry Potter?

I believe that even in the darkest of times there is always a glimmer of hope (reinforced by our current viewing of the entire extended edition of The Lord of the Rings, where the blacks are pretty darned dark and it's hard to see much hope, unless you're Arwen, who always finds it). I choose to be with people who share that outlook, and to ask them for help if I find myself falling into the pit of despair.

I can choose to make my days meaningful, whether that is cleaning out clutter or spending time with a friend or simply sitting and reading a book. And always I can choose gratitude: it helps prolong life and makes even difficult issues easier to bear (I know that is a very Pollyanna-ish attitude and there will be some who scoff. I've tried it both ways. Gratitude is a lot better, lemme tell you. And it is your own perception of any situation that makes the difference as to how easy or difficult it is.)

***************
I am grateful for the writers who took the time and made the effort to formulate and e-mail Reverb prompts this year. It makes a difference to my own life.

Happy New Year to all tonight. May 2012 bring you blessings you didn't know you needed, joy you never visualized, and love you always hoped for.

Reverb11 -- Day 30 -- 3 Wishes & Showing Up

2011-12-30T18:20:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: 3 Wishes - If a genie could grant you 3 wishes for 2012, what would they be?

#2 Prompt: Showing Up: Where (online) do you want to show up in 2012? What does showing up look + feel like to you? How often do you plan on committing to showing up in 2012?

#1 -- I'd wish first for good health, because health issues color every other facet of one's life and can limit experiences. If I can't bundle Tony's good health in my first wish, then I'd use my second wish for him to also have good health. And my third wish is for us to always have enough: enough energy, enough money to do the things we'd like most to do, enough love, enough friendships, enough food and shelter, enough of everything. That doesn't mean excesses of anything, and it doesn't mean that we would have time and money to spend on whatever it is we want. It means that we have enough. That is a blessing that I am grateful for.

#2 -- Not quite sure about this one, unless it would be to show up on a best-selling books list! And brings it back to doing the work to get there, one little bitty baby step at a time. I will commit to writing something every day, whether in the blog or elsewhere, and to moving forward with expanding and organizing my writing. That is all the showing up I intend to do this year, and that is a good beginning. If it leads elsewhere, that's good too. But you gotta show up to do the work in order to get anywhere or do anything.

Reverb11 -- Day 29 -- Shake it up, baby!

2011-12-29T19:35:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Shaking Things Up - Looking towards 2012, what can you do to shake things up a little next year?

#2 Prompt: Expectation: What is on expectation you fiercely held for 2011 that you wish to let go of before 2012? What steps are required to putting it to rest?

#1 -- Hooyeah. I think retirement is gonna shake stuff up pretty good without any effort on my part at all. For the first time since August 2007, Tony will be home with me every day, all day, and neither of us will have a J.O.B. We can sculpt our own days, our trips, our routines, we can go to matinees in the middle of the week, we can be couch potatoes whenever we want.

I expect the year to be interesting, exciting, enjoyable, and joyful. Even the parts about washing windows and putting down gallons of RoundUp -- because we don't have to wait for a decent weekend! Yay for retirement!

#2 -- Generally I try not to have big expectations about much of anything but to try to watch events unfold the way they will. Especially as a 20-30-something, and beyond too, I would plan out events in my head and anticipate them with great delight, and then be bitterly disappointed (and a bit of a martyr, too, if I'm honest) when things didn't work out the way I'd expected them to. I remember, for instance, a visit to the Maine coast many, many years ago (I was in my mid-20s), and we'd planned to have a picnic on a beach and then go for a dip in the ocean -- something I had never done, much less in Maine. The day dawned cloudy and quite cool with threatening rain, and the ocean was every bit as frigid as our northern Pacific coast, and I was soooo disappointed that I whined and complained for the rest of the day, endearing myself so greatly to my husband and parents, of course.

Some years later I read a horoscope book that discussed in depth the characteristics of the Scorpio-Sagittarius cusp, and was smacked upside the head by the 'martyr' description that was included in some undesirable traits. Ever since then, I've tried to keep my expectations in check and to squelch the inner martyr.

The biggest expectation I can think of for 2011 was Tony's retirement date which for several years we'd anticipated happening first in May (which got changed in August 2010) , and then in mid-August, which didn't happen. Then it was going to be July 31, 2012, but after a couple of months of wrapping our heads around that date, the Universe intervened once again. It might actually have been today, but he agreed to stay on a bit longer, so at this writing it will be March 31 at the latest. I don't think that will get pushed out again.

We were able to let go of the different dates as the situation changed, and I'm proud of that. We worked together to talk it out and work through the different scenarios, and once it was past, we let it be and didn't revisit it.

That's really how I try to live my life these days -- kind of like being on a ship on the ocean and needing to keep your balance depending on the size of the swells. Some swells ask a little effort more from us, but everything changes from moment to moment. We can anticipate, but we must remain flexible and ready to move quickly. Not a bad way to live, I think.

Reverb11 -- Day 28 -- Forgiveness and thought

2011-12-28T17:27:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Forgiveness - What one thing do you need to forgive yourself for this year?

#2 Prompt: Thought: What new thought, idea or action have you taken this year that gave you a true sense of freedom?

#1 -- I need to forgive myself for those blasted 20 lbs that have slowly gone back on over the last several years, despite my being able to lose 10 of them (and gain 'em back) more than once this year. And a few other things...

I am so very critical of myself in so many ways: I know the weight must come off in order to keep this body physically in better shape and to better control the things I actually have some power over; I still have that too-big-too-tall-too-loud-too-opinionated image of myself, although every year some of that goes away as I accept more about who I am and how I look (you'd think I'd be so over that by now, hm....); and dredging up past embarrassments and shoulda-coulda-wouldas is so totally pointless, since it's a damned sure thing that nobody but me remembers them. I've actually forgiven myself this year for those, and given myself permission to never think of them again. Or, as my angelic counselor Jessie would tell me, I've 'thanked them, blessed them, and sent them to God' to deal with.

Good idea for 2012 too.

#2 -- Well, this keeps coming back to that Mary Oliver poem and 'aha' moment, doesn't it! Finally realizing that the only life I can save is my own was a HUGE step forward for me. I suppose that sounds a little silly -- but it's one thing to understand something intellectually, and quite another to actually 'get' and accept the truth in one's heart and gut.

Actually absorbing that truth down to the very marrow of my bones has given me the freedom to not only stop putting off enjoying my own life, despite the troubles and issues of those I dearly love, but also to be more proactive about taking steps to make my life better, healthier, and happier. I've been able to do all of these things this year, one step at a time, and I do feel that I'm in a better place all the way around this year because of these choices.

Reverb11 - Day 27 - Ah, more time. And the name of that book...you know, the one I should be writing?

2011-12-27T22:07:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Time: If you had 3 more hours in the day what would you do with them? How do you want to spend your time in 2012?

#2 Prompt: Author! Author! - Share with us the title and inside jacket cover of the book you'd most like to write

#1 -- What would I do with more time? Read more. Maybe sleep one more hour. And maybe, sort of, use it to de-clutter one of the areas that needs it. Maybe. Then again, maybe not.

This year I really began to get into a routine for my days, and I'm sure 2012 will involve finding some new ones as Tony retires. I'd like to spend less time just putzing on the computer: I can spend hours going from link to link and reading blogs, news, shopping (although not necessarily buying anything), finding new sites. It is a time-sucker and there have been a few days when I've been fairly horrified at the amount of time I've spent online. I love the Internet, but sometimes I need better self-control, especially when I'm procrastinating doing something. So I'd like to be a little more discplined about how I choose to use my time, and make sure that I'm spending it on things that I love doing or that are necessary for the good of the order, and not squandering it.

#2. Oh, they WOULD ask this one. Okay. Title: "Old Musings and a Few Opinions".

Inside jacket copy: Some life lessons keep coming back for a reprise -- things like learning patience, seeing situations as they really are, and dealing with such issues as addiction, dysfunction, and trust. Mix all that with stories about family, children, friends, neighbors, and middle-of-the-night revelations, and you'll find universal truths and wisdom found through trial and error."

And there probably would be a bit more description. This might turn into a daily reading book with the quote/story of the day, or more of an Anne Lamott-style narrative story. I don't know yet. And I don't know if anyone would even want to read it. But that's the book I would probably work on first.

Reverb11 - Day 26 - Gifts and music

2011-12-26T16:01:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Gift: Name one gift that 2011 gave you; what treasure came your way gift wrapped in experience, that (maybe in hindsight) you want to hold onto and place on display?

#2 Prompt: Music is powerful - Think of one song that you turn to time and again, and describe why it's important to you.

#1 -- I've already told you about reading Mary Oliver's poem "The Journey" late one dark and stormy night, and having its message hit me squarely in the head -- and in the heart. That's the gift I most treasure about 2011, the clear message that mine is the only life I can save.

It's a gift that has two sides, however. It exempts me from the responsibility that I've tried so hard to assume of trying desperately to save my child , especially these last three+ years, because it is an impossible task. But it also frees me to look at what is left of my life and decide how I want to spend it without feeling guilty or responsible for the outcome of other people's choices -- hers or anybody else's.

(I suppose a more enlightened person would have figured all this out years ago, right?) While I understood intellectually that I am 'powerless over people, places and things,' I still felt that somehow, if I worked hard at controlling her choices and monitoring her treatment and recovery, I could 'save' my child from a road she'd set out on through a combination of a few bad things happening to her, genetic predisposition, and some bad life choices.

The poem gobsmacked me upside the head, however, and since that amazing 'aha' moment, I have been able to let go of that need to control, and to allow her to travel whatever path she will. That doesn't mean I am not involved, but I finally accept that her life is not my responsibility, and I have been able to set boundaries for myself.

#2 -- Music. Indeed, it is powerful, evoking sadness, joy, beauty, power -- but I'll confess that I don't have a song that I turn to in crisis moments anymore.

I often choose something classical -- I love the Saint Saens "Organ Symphony" (Symphony #3 in C Minor) with a really powerful pipe organ, for instance, and I also love parts of "The Planets" by Gustav Holst, especially the center section of "Jupiter" which was adapted as a hymn tune and is the melody to "I Vow to Thee, My Country," a very popular English hymn. I love that melody and can just get lost in the cello's voice as it sings. It is melancholy and sad and soaringly positive at the same time.

But there are times when I want the familiarity of the Grateful Dead -- the unique blend of drum, guitar, mandolin, bass, and raspy vocals that let me lose the moment and go back in time. I'm especially fond of "Terrapin Station," with the image of the 'spiral light of Venus rising first and shining best' and its 'rare and different tune.' But I also love other Robert Hunter lyrics with all his images of dark and light. One of them always speaks to where I find myself when I'm listening.

And then there is the high choral music that I love to listen to and used to love to sing: from John Rutter arrangements and originals to Thomas Tallis and his 16th century anthems. Most choirs I sang with had a message somewhere in the choir room to the effect that 'He who sings prays twice,' and I found that to be so.

These choices are nothing new: they've been with me for many years now. Most new music -- at least that I've heard -- doesn't seem to have the profound messages of these (moldy oldie?) choices of mine.

Reverb11 - Day 25 - Who I love and the best gift ever

2011-12-25T17:16:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Love: Who do you love + why do you love them? What does it feel like to be around these people?

#2 Prompt: The reason for the season - What's the most memorable gift you've ever received?

#1 -- The person I most love is my husband Tony, who has always on Christmas Day given me either a beautifully sentimental card or written me a letter. He opted for the latter this year and although I love the cards, the letters are the most special, and yes, they get kept.

In it, he writes of the Christmases we've spent together (this is the 15th), how he feels about that and about me and about the myriad of things that I do to make the day special for us, and, well -- a lot of wonderfully loving language that you don't need to hear because it's meant just for me.

How could I not love that? But I knew I loved him and that we were right together almost from the very first day I met him. Every day, every hug, every kiss reaffirms that for me, over and over. And my gratitude for him simply overflows my heart. After all these years, I love his touch, I love it when I see him coming towards me in a group, I love watching his face when he doesn't know I'm watching him. He is my rock, my calm center, my home, no matter where I am. How lucky I am to have this. How lucky we are to have found each other.

There are others whom I love dearly -- brother, sister-in-law, daughters, friends -- but I think the ability to love comes from first being shown great love: the more love you receive, the more you have to give to others. When your own well runs dry, it's hard to find a drop for others. I am grateful to those who love me so well, and I hope you receive back from me that gift.

#2 -- There have been some wonderful gifts in my past, and a few maybe not so much (think Crock Pot...from my husband ... ex)

The one that I best remember is a personal life album (scrapbook) and family history made by my mother and father in 1997, I think, or maybe 1996. She had been so painfully sick with osteoporosis and heart issues that year that their traveling days had to stop, and she had quite a lot of time at home. She had gone through decades of newspaper clippings, photographs, school records, and the other keepsake papers, written a family tree geneology for each side of our family. She'd made a collage of pictures for the cover -- and this was not only for me, but she also put ones together for my brother and for my daughter, so each was different, with a few of the same elements.

They began with old pictures of each family -- our grandparents and great-grandparents, along with their names and a brief history. Where there were appropriate photos of us interacting with them, they were included -- like the four generation one of me, my father, my grandmother and my great-grandmother, taken when I was maybe 2 or 3. She'd chosen photos of me at all the stages (to that point) of my life: child, teen, college student, young married woman, young mother, middle-aged working mom, etc., and of the people who have been so important in my life, along with other little news clips or keepsakes from her treasure box (her wedding hankie, for instance, was in my daughter's album).

It was a beautiful gift and we all three looked at them all day, sharing memories, sharing some of the different elements of each book, telling stories, and listening to my mother and dad tell theirs. I have custody of the albums from which the life album photos were chosen, but none is more precious to me than the one she spent that year putting together for me.

What they cost was time, her time and my dad's, because he was there helping her choose photos, pasting them in, remembering stories along with her. That gift of time and memory is still the best one I've ever received.

How blessed I am!

Reverb11 - Day 24 - More on travel and a free-for-all prompt

2011-12-24T23:22:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Travel: Where did you travel to in 2011? Where would you like to visit in 2012? What does traveling mean to you?

#2 Prompt: Somebody Has to Say It…

#1 -- Already answered this in yesterday's post -- remember, I'm working off two different lists, and sometimes they overlap. But the part about 'what does traveling mean to you' is new, so let's give that a crack.

As a child, I traveled quite a bit with my parents in the back seat of whatever station wagon we had at the time. Since all our relatives were in other states, that meant trips to Minnesota, New Mexico, or Colorado, and all we had to amuse us were books and puzzles, and lots of singing -- my dad had a song for every occasion. More than once I was told to get my nose out of my book and look at the scenery. More than once I whined that my brother was taking up all the back seat, or that he was hitting me, or something. More than once we heard " don't make me stop this car."

But those trips were my travel foundation, and I love road trips best of any travel. It's an adventure getting to the destination (which often is less interesting than the journey) and I especially love taking back roads, which my folks also did. Nothing beats the Interstate system for expediency, but give me back roads for adventure.

Fortunately my husband shares my love of road trips, and I expect there will be several as we enter into self-directed time in 2012.

Travel usually includes a lot of eye candy, some interesting and historic places, good food, a few fascinating people if we're lucky, and a great appreciation of our own home. I'm looking forward to our next trip anywhere.

#2 -- Somebody has to say it: life is much shorter than we ever believe it is going to be. Spending that brief time remembering or regretting past actions is a complete waste of one's brief time. Look to the joys, be where you are each moment, love who you can and be kind to the rest.

Merry Christmas, wherever you find yourself. May you feel blessed and content regardless of what you may have waiting under the tree.

Reverb11 - Day 23 - Who I'm missing and Travels

2011-12-23T10:37:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Who did you miss?

#2 Prompt: Travel - Did you visit anywhere new this year? Any plans to travel next year?

#1 -- Who did I miss? My parents, often, and never more than at Christmas time when my memories of Christmases past are so wrapped up in their presence. When I first married, we invited our parents and my brother (my ex was an only child) to come to us for Christmas, and they did for years, modifying that first when my in-laws divorced (after nearly 50 years) and he remarried, and then when my mother-in-law could no longer travel, and finally when my dad died and we went to Missouri every year to be with my mother until 2005 when she died.

That's a lot of years and memories: of putting together the Christmas jigsaw puzzle, usually primarily by my dad, with help here and there from all of us; of playing games -- Trivial Pursuit or Monopoly or Michigan Rummy or Screw your Neighbor -- eating nuts and candy and laughing. Going to church on Christmas Eve, and especially the year that my dad, brother, and husband all slipped in to the late service at the last moment on a very cold Indiana night -- I was already there in the choir loft and we'd all gone to an earlier, child-friendly service. The three of them lifted slightly whiskey-scented voices to the holy candle-lit atmosphere, and none of us could stop smiling.

I miss my friend Julia, again never more than at Christmas. For nine years we sang together at Christmas and other times, we laughed and cried and shopped and worked and shared stories and children. We are growing old together, although we see each other only every few years for maybe a week. I've no doubt that we'll sing again in that great celestial chorus, her short, round, red-haired frame next to my much taller and longer one, smiling all the way, even through our tears.

I miss my daughter, the person she was before illness and other things so clouded and distorted her mind. I still see flashes of that person, but it makes me sad to see such potential and intelligence and charm largely gone, and I am still trying to wrap my arms around who she is now, and who I am when I'm with her.

Always at special times of the year I miss my brother and sister-in-law, who I would like to know better as we grow older and hopefully wiser, and who become increasingly important as I age. And we miss our daughter and grandson, miss being able to know who they are becoming, and especially Gabe as he changes so much as he grows from a toddler into a pre-schooler.

I'm grateful that there are so many people that I miss, though, because it indicates that I am capable of great love, and also that I am the recipient of great love in return. It just doesn't get better than that.

#2 -- Travel is something that is on our minds for this coming year as Tony retires and our time is not bound by paid time off accrual. While I don't know that we'll do any long-distance trips in 2012, we are planning time in the LA area for a cousin's wedding, and also anticipate a trip to Seattle to see our daughter and her family.
Both trips also put us by our beloved ocean, where we've spent our vacations nearly every year since we've been together. Perhaps we'll make a trip further into the interior US to see my brother and other friends, but we'll see how time and money play out. For now, Tony is happy to think about staying home and working on projects that have piled up and that he is eager to begin. And I'm happy to have him here.

Reverb11 -- Day 22 -- Changing views and passion

2011-12-22T23:20:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: YouView: What video or show changed your view on something this year? What did it teach you about your life or experience?

#2 Prompt:Passion - If you could quit your day job and your quality of life wouldn't change, what would you do?

#1 -- Huh. A video or show, hm? I'm going to have to take a pass on this one for the time being. While I watched plenty of shows, and some of them made me happy or made me cry, I really can't think of one that actually changed my view on something. There were a couple of theater performances that were pretty awesome -- but didn't change my view, unless it is that when you put good actors with meaty scripts, magic is made. But i knew that already.

Will think on it more.

#2-- Quit my day job? Did that already. The quality of my life went up dramatically. Actually, the last 'day job' I had where I was salaried was over in late 2002 when the company included me in what had become semi-annual layoffs. I was on medical disability at the time too, and not planning to go back to work until after the first of the year -- actually, that wouldn't have happened either, because we were moving to Red Bluff in mid-January. But they fired me. I was SO glad.

Right now I'm doing what I want to be doing for the most part, which is taking care of house, garden, cooking, and doing a fair bit of reading and putzing and some writing. I want more of all of it. I'm RETIRED!

But I don't have a grand passion right now. I'm keeping an eye out for something that fits that particular niche, and working hard on taking care of ME. That's something fairly new for me, so it still feels odd and rather selfish. I'm working on that too.

Reverb11 - Day 21 - What do I believe

2011-12-21T23:27:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Believe: What did you believe in this year? Did your faith help propel you forward? What do you want to believe in throughout 2012?

#2 Prompt: Party Time - Tell us about the "best" party you attended this year.

#1 -- I believe in the power each of us has to transform our own lives. I believe that there is more to the Universe than is visible to our eyes. I believe that I am loved and cherished by at least one other person in this world. I believe that the only life I can save is mine. (I don't think I believe anymore that people are basically good at heart, however.)

And yes, each of these beliefs helped me to move forward this year and to change some attitudes and behaviors, and each of them gave me strength to move through adversity. I want to keep believing in these things for 2012 because they all give me hope, and honestly, there were times this year when I found hope hard to see, at least in a few situations.

You really don't want the details.

#2 -- I pretty much answered this in yesterday's post about gatherings. I'm not a big party person, honestly. I like getting together with friends, but not necessarily in large groups. The RB Murder Mystery Dinner was a great party because of the atmosphere, the expectations, and the great people I got to work with.

Reverb11 - Day 20 - Gatherings and Friends

2011-12-20T19:51:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Gathering: What was your favorite party or gathering (large or small) in 2011? Who would you like to gather with in 2012?

#2 Prompt: Friendship - What kind of a friend were you in 2011? What kind of a friend do you want to be in 2012?

#1 -- There are a couple of gatherings that always feel extra special: anytime my Redding friend L and I get together for lunch or tea or chocolate and just to enjoy talking with each other, and when we go to brunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant, Los Mariachis, with our long-time friends, neighbors and mentors, T&G. (There were many others, all good fun and pleasant, especially doing lunch at Tremont and just hanging together with another friend, L.)

The best large gathering was the Red Bluff Murder Mystery Dinner Theater, even though I was part of the cast. It was such a party for our guests, from the old cars and picket lines outside the Elks Club to the speakeasy atmosphere inside, and then to the dinner and show. There was good food, plenty of wine, and if the plot was a little thin, the comedy bits made up for it.

In 2012, I'd like to expand our circle of friends and the opportunity to learn more about them in a relaxed setting, and to spend more time with some current friends too, also in a fun setting. That's going to mean we need to be more proactive about seeking such contact, and get over my need to have everything so 'perfect' when I have people here. I can do that!

#2 -- Well, this sort of ties into the above prompt, doesn't it! Yeah. That need to have everything just so in order to entertain people here is something I need to dump. If someone is judging my housekeeping or cooking skills, then do I really want them around anyway?

I deepened a couple of friendships this year, and let another couple go into the past tense (mostly). In 2012 I'd like to continue those friendships and invite some new ones into my life too, and that means making an effort to be with them.

Over the past two years of doing Reverb, I have become more aware that I simply do not want to be around people -- even some friends -- who make me feel like I need to keep my mouth shut when I'm with them, and not to discuss certain topics lest they cause a heated conversation that will result in hurt feelings. I'm very willing to expand my knowledge and keep an open mind in discussion, but I don't want to be around abrasive people who ARE *RIGHT*, dammit. I'm going to work on letting those go, or at the least, reducing my contact.

Reverb11 - Day 19 - Lessons and Generosity

2011-12-19T14:50:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Lessons: What lessons did you learn about yourself this year?

#2 Prompt Being Moved - tell us about a time this year that you were moved by the generosity of another.

#1 -- What did I learn about myself? Hm.

I learned that I try too hard to control an outcome, especially for others (like my daughters), and that it is not only impossible to do (at least consistently) but also very hard on me. I learned that I need to take care of myself FIRST, not last or even somewhere in the middle -- and yes, I really did learn this one and have actively been practicing that. I learned that letting something go doesn't mean that you are abandoning it/them and being cruel and heartless, but that you are accepting your own inability to change the situation. You can still love someone and let go of them.

I learned that I really do like yoga and that its benefits are visible for me.

I learned to say no more often, especially to activities or people who I don't especially enjoy being around.

I learned that if I'm going to write, it needs to become a daily practice.

And I'm sure there were a bunch of other things in there too -- certainly there were lessons like that old patience thing that kept coming back.

#2 -- Generosity. I've already written in Reverb11 about generosity and how it moved me. I am always moved by the selfless actions of others -- for instance, there is a store in downtown Red Bluff that consistently holds drawings and drives for food and clothing, and the owner works hard to give back to the community. Thank you, Jessie and The Gold Exchange, for all you do and for showing me and so many others how to give back.

There are many others in our community who generously volunteer time and service and goods, however: The Big Picture and We Shoot Ya Photography, the volunteers with PATH, and those who serve on boards and committees of organizations that help our town and county, to name a few.

Thank you for showing me generosity and kindness.

Reverb11 -- Day 18 -- Family Time and Lunching

2011-12-18T13:08:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Family: Recall a special moment with your family from 2011. Describe in detail what you want to remember about this memory forever.

#2 Prompt: Let's do lunch! - If you could have lunch with anybody, who would it be and what would you like to discuss?

#1 -- Family .My family is scattered, both immediate and extended, and the latter is not especially close: I've written some about that this year. Our girls are in Red Bluff and Kent now (and one who has been intentionally silent for several years is, we believe, on the other coast). When my mother was living, we gathered in Missouri for Christmas, my brother coming from Nashville, the girls from Birmingham (and once from Ohio), and we spent some fun times there, although it was never without some drama and anxiety. These days any family gatherings are few and far between.

This year, one special moment was a celebration of our grandson's third birthday. It was just Tony and me with V, her three older step-children, and Gabe, at a little picnic area near their apartment. We'd brought KFC, watermelon and other side dishes, and some gifts for Gabe. They'd put up a badminton net and spread some blankets under a big tree, and for once the June weather was warm but not hot. Tony'd brought his video camera and captured images of Gabe riding his new Plasmacar and the other children and even V taking turns on it. We got to talk more to the older children than we had in the past, and really enjoyed the day with all of them: it was precious to see the love the kids have for each other. And it was a real joy to see V efficiently mothering them all, wiping faces, serving up watermelon and chicken, pouring drinks.

Never frequent for a bunch of reasons, such moments will be even fewer with them now in Washington, but we hope to visit them in 2012 and look forward to another picnic, perhaps on the shores of Puget Sound.

#2 -- Lunch. Anybody? Living or dead? Famous or not? The possibilities!

If I chose someone famous -- say, Oprah, or Hilary Clinton, or the poet Mary Oliver -- I'd probably be too nervous to enjoy the experience, and I'd expect they'd see it more as just another obligation to get through and be pleasant. So no thanks.

There are some long-ago friends I would like to see again, if only to find out how their lives have gone and what they've learned. And a handful of family members to share memories and figure out our similarities.

But I'd most like to have lunch with my parents. I'd like to know what getting older was like for them, what lessons they learned in their lives and what they'd do differently. I'd like to know how they figured out how to parent as well as they did, knowing something of how they each grew up. I'd like to know what they were most grateful for, and what their best memories were. I'd like to make sure they know how grateful I am for their love and support and non-judgmental acceptance (even when I'm sure they had doubts!), and how I miss them and think of them, especially at this time of year. I want to watch my daddy savor the good barbecued ribs he loved, and my mother taste the rich coconut cake from that little Victorian tea room she so enjoyed. I'd like once more to drink in the sound of their voices and their facial expressions and feel the touch of their hands on my face.

Reverb11 -- Day 17 -- Saying No and Loathing

2011-12-17T14:25:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Saying "No": Recall a moment when you said "yes" to something but felt you probably should have said "no". How did you feel? Why did you choose to rollover your intuition? In 2012, how can you choose to only do things that serve you?

#2 Loathing - Who or what do you loathe and how have you expressed that in 2011?

#1 -- No. I actually got pretty good about saying no in 2011, or saying that "I'll think about it" at least. I am no longer involved in anything where I think I've outlasted my useful contributions, I don't volunteer to do things I really don't want to do, and I make a conscious effort not to be around people who are nasty or otherwise unpleasant. I plan to continue this policy in 2012!

This is a sea-change from the people-pleasing behaviors I've exhibited in much of my past, and I'm proud of myself. While I still sometimes want to open my mouth and express an opinion about something that needs doing in a group setting, or that could be done better (how arrogant is THAT!), I have managed to SHUT UP and smile because most of the time I don't want to get involved in doing it (usually something related to publicity or graphic design). It's not that I won't volunteer; it's just that I want to spend my volunteer time on something I feel passionate about, and right now there isn't much that I'm finding.

#2 -- Loathing. The dictionary definition is "verb (used with object), loathed, loath·ing.

to feel disgust or intense aversion for; abhor: I loathe people who spread malicious gossip."

I loathe what the Tea Party has manifested itself to be in our country, especially those Congressional legislators who have as their primary goal the ouster of President Obama AT ANY COST. Programs which aid the poor, the elderly, the sick, and the mentally ill have dramatically suffered because of their votes or unwillingness to compromise. Our financial stability has this year been gravely threatened even further by their refusal to extend the debt ceiling. Their rigid stand on women's rights and conservative views of marriage and equality is simply unacceptable to me, and I don't understand how they justify such positions from a Christian point of view.

I loathe lying. Nothing breaks my trust more quickly than lies. The truth is always more acceptable even if it is hard to hear. (Okay, little white lies about where I've hidden the chocolate or the Christmas gifts being the exception...)

I loathe deliberate cruelty, especially to animals and children. The sick tickets who think it's funny to light a cat on fire or chain a dog with water and food just out of reach (or not available) have a special place reserved for them in hell. And those who molest children deserve castration, preferably without anesthetic. (While I realize that such sick adults were also probably abused as children, there IS help available for them. Well, unless the Tea Party has their way, I guess, and eliminates all mental health programs.)

That clear enough?

Reverb 11--Day 16--Writing and Community

2011-12-16T18:32:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Passion: How has writing helped you grow in 2011? In what ways would you like to invite more writing into your life in 2012?

#2 Prompt: A Community I Love - Online & IRL we're all part of a multitude of communities. Tell us about one that moves you.

#1 -- After Reverb10, I was inspired to move the writing up a notch and begin to think about what kind of book I want to write. Well, that fizzled out, and I did not even write in the blog as much as I'd intended, at least until Dec. 1 when I began Reverb11. Clearly I need to have a better plan. Better intention Better execution.

Nonetheless, I'm a writer, no matter how often or not I post something here. And I'm a reader too-- actually, I can't imagine being a writer without being a reader -- and I did read a lot more this year, intentionally. By thinking of how a story flows together, what works and what doesn't, how I respond to dialogue and description, I become a better writer myself.

We joined the Redding Writers Forum in January and learn from the monthly programs as well as just hearing about who is publishing and where. And we both read some of our work aloud during Read-Around sessions -- inviting comments from the audience.

We'll keep going to the Writers Forum in 2012 and reading the two writing magazines we now subscribe to, plus several books about writing I've got on my iPad and also in paper. I'll keep writing in my blog, perhaps using prompts of some sort at least weekly -- there are so many out there to choose among, and that is good discipline. And I'll keep reading.

#2 -- I really love my Facebook community, trite as that may seem. Through FB, I've learned more about some newer friends, and we've made a conscious effort to connect at least monthly in person as a result, bringing some real treasures into my life. It's deepened connections to other friends because I get to see and hear what's in their lives more regularly than phone calls or even getting together can do, and expanded at least a little my contact with friends from long ago. (Disclaimer: I'm pretty selective about who I choose to see my information and pictures and posts, and that makes a big difference in how I use FB, to be sure.)

I've reconnected with several cousins on both sides of my family who for years have been mostly fading memories and addresses in my Christmas card list. While I still can't say that I 'know' them, at least there are some pictures of them now (I'm talking decades of not seeing a couple of them, and now that our parents are gone, I don't even get the bits of news my mother used to tell me.) So I get to share a little about what their lives are, and they get to see some of mine. That's a big step towards a family reunion one of these days.

Certainly that connection was what alerted to me that one cousin was in a life crisis back in April, and even though I'd seen him a handful of times since we were children, I really don't know him. But there is this family bond, a connection of shared memories. (I wrote about that time here and here.) And I've sent him a brief e-mail most days ever since, just a few sentences, usually with some kind of quotation. I don't hear back from him much, but I understand from another cousin that he's doing better. That makes me so grateful for him and for our strange, interesting family ties.

FB has its share of criticism and problems. Any community does, virtual or face-to-face. But it sure works for me.

Reverb 11--Day 15-- Passion and Teachers

2011-12-15T16:21:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Passion: What did you become/continue to be sincerely passionate about in 2011? When you are in the moment doing something you love what does look + feel like?

#2 Prompt: Teaching Moment - Sometimes we find teachers in the most unexpected places. Who surprised you as a teacher this year, and what did you learn?

#1 -- There was not much passion in much of anything that I did in 2011 -- this last year has been one more of just getting through it. I don't like feeling so uncreative and stagnant, so am planning to rev that up in 2012.

I was able to get onstage a couple of times, though -- two Vagina Monologues performances ("The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy" -- I adore doing that one with all the fun moans and the fabulous audience response) and two Red Bluff mystery dinner theater productions of "What You Seize is What You Get." And one read-through of "Night, Mother," a dark play about suicide that I'd hoped to do with a wonderful Redding actress and friend, but the producer decided it was too much of a downer. Our read-through had everyone in tears, however, and I think we would have rocked it. Ah, well.

When I'm onstage, however, everything else disappears and I'm just THERE, right THERE, and totally focused on what is. The words and actions and character just flow through me (assuming adequate preparation and rehearsal, that is) and out into the audience. I love, LOVE, that feeling, and when the audience responds, it is an enormous rush of joy and power. I've been told by others that I bring an energy to the stage that boosts not only my performance, but that of the whole production, and if that's true, it makes my heart glad. A live performance is thrilling (and scary too) because you get THAT ONE shot at it for that particular audience. Every show is different.

I love writing when I'm in the zone and all I'm thinking of is words on screen, but that is never, ever a one-shot best performance deal. It's totally different energy.

#2 -- I've believed for years in the Buddhist proverb: "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." Understanding who the teacher is isn't always quite so simple, however, which makes me think of a quote from Robert Hunter's lyrics "Scarlet Begonias: "Once in a while/you get shown the light/in the strangest of places/if you look at it right."

One of my teachers this year was very evident: my yoga instructor, who is also a wonderful, very intuitive massage therapist, and an energetic, insightful, spiritual friend to boot. I learn from her with nearly every class, but also have enjoyed her company in other venues this year. She is straightforward, kind, open, and I so appreciate her presence in my life and the things I continue to learn from her.

Another teacher -- categorized perhaps 'in the strangest of places' -- was an actor in the murder mystery production who showed me why I was where I needed to be this year and what really matters about it. I admit that sometimes my attitude in rehearsal was way less than positive, and the role was not particularly challenging, the play was -- well, let's say it was, um, not meaty, and the director likes to direct on the fly, changing things right up to the dress rehearsal -- and beyond --.

We talked at some length over several weeks, and I finally understood that the important part was the relationships with the cast members (even though it was a fund-raiser, and a very successful one at that): meeting and working with people of all ages and stages, and nurturing friendships, not the play itself, really. Most of the actors have done little, if any, theater in the past and aren't likely to do much more than another mystery dinner, but they are enthusiastic and talented and committed, with schedules that are far busier than my own. He definitely showed me the light, and I value his friendship and perspective.

Another 'teacher' this year was the April issue of O Magazine that featured poetry by Mary Oliver. That dark and stormy night when I read her poem "The Journey" was a life-changing moment for me, and I've been able to see more clearly what I must do ever since. I wrote about that 'aha' moment.

I am grateful for such teachers and I hope that I have the clarity of thought to recognize them when they are there for me.

Reverb 11--Day 14-- Gratitude

2011-12-14T12:52:00.000-08:00

Both Prompts: Gratitude: What are the 5 things, people and moments you are grateful for in 2011? What would you like to be grateful for in 2012?

1. Every time I get a negative result on a mammogram or PAP smear, or stay below 100 on a blood glucose test, I am immensely and deeply grateful. While my own actions can certainly affect the last test, the other two are beyond any control of mine.

2. After being with Tony for 14 years this fall, I continue to actively say gratitude prayers for his loving, steady presence in my life. The relationship we have is the one I asked for so many years ago (before I met him) and it still amazes me. The honesty, deep love, attraction, and fun that we experience is a gift that not everyone receives, and I am so grateful that I do.

3. Every time we go to a play or a concert or a special event or to the ocean or mountains, I'm grateful that we CAN. I'm grateful for having enough money to attend these events or go on these trips, grateful for the talent and beauty that is shared, grateful for our own health and presence of mind to enjoy and appreciate them.

4. I have more really good friends than I've had since I was a teenager. While I can be fairly social, I am by nature more introverted which doesn't always mesh well with cultivating strong friendships. Some have grown strong in the past few years, some are a bit older but have become more important to each of us, and at least one goes back nearly 30 years and two ex-husbands (one each). I hope I give as good as I get: being with each friend strengthens me and delights me every time, and I am always slightly surprised that they seem to be grateful for me too!

5. While our day-to-day routine sometimes seems pretty unexciting, I am grateful for that stability: no big scary health issues, no ginormous financial crises, no unexpected relationship train wrecks. Life is good: we have enough of everything to sustain body, mind, and spirit, and I love the rhythm of our days.

Even when we're feeling out of sorts or fretful, it is very rarely because of something that we have control over, other than our feelings, but because of external issues created by people we love, political or social issues that impact us in some way, or events/situations because of where and how we live.Our own inner stability and foundation is solid and comforting, and for that, I am always, immeasurably, grateful.

If I can write this same list in 2012, I will indeed feel blessed. There is nothing more that I could want.

Reverb 11--Day 13-- Discovery and Fear

2011-12-14T10:46:00.000-08:00

#1 Discovery: What is one thing that you discovered in 2011 that you use to make you happy even when you are having a bad day? A "Cookie moment" if you will. It can be a person, a song, a video, a book or something else completely!

#2 Fear - What scared you this year more than anything else? Did you learn anything new about yourself?

#1 --When I'm having a bad day, it's usually a choice to wallow in it. There aren't many, really, but I can throw a really good pity party. And it's best enjoyed all by my miserable self. So when I allow my husband to hug and pet me, and talk gently to me, or when I actually reach out to a trusted friend to talk about what is bothering me, it totally ruins the bad mood that I've gotten myself into!

Allowing someone to actually help me is still fairly new to me, although I didn't just discover this in 2011. I've always been a 'I can handle this all by myself just fine, thankyouverymuch' kind of person, even when it was evident to everyone including me that I wasn't handling it very well at all. So allowing someone into my self-imposed dungeon is new, very positive change. While the underlying issue may still be around, letting love in changes my perspective on it. I'm very grateful for people who love me enough to take care of me even when I'm surly and snarly.

#2 -- Death scares me: my own or that of someone whom I love. It creeps into my thoughts, sneaking through the 'being in the moment' barriers I try to cultivate daily. It's happened to me when I have one of the heart-racing episodes I wrote about earlier. It happens when I've discovered that my daughter is seeing people or doing activities that jeopardize her already compromised health and mental stability. It can happen when Tony is a little later than I'd expected him, or when he doesn't feel good.

The fear is especially bad at night when the ice weasels come out of the darkness and start partying in my head. It doesn't even have to be a full-fledged party: just one or two will make my mind race with possibilities, few of them positive, and sleep becomes restless at best.

I know nobody is getting out of this alive. But I'm not ready for that final stage. I want to do more with my life and with my loved ones, and the possibility of not getting that opportunity is paralyzing sometimes.

Reverb 11 -- Day 12 -- 12 Things

2011-12-12T18:22:00.000-08:00

Prompt: 12 Things - What are 12 things your life doesn’t need in 2012?
How will you go about eliminating them?
How will getting rid of these 12 things change your life?
If you did Reverb10, how are you making out on your 11 Things from last year?

Both lists had this as today's prompt. So what don't I need?

1. Stress. In so many ways my life is pretty UN-stressful, really, and I know how lucky I am. Nonetheless, I have stress associated with paperwork for R, her disability and how she is coping (nobody wants this for their child, believe me), and making sure things are in order to keep Social Security, Medicare, MediCal, and the county happy. (It amuses me no end that there is so much paperwork associated with disability, and yet the disabled person is expected to complete lengthy, confusing forms!) There is always a residual worry about Tony traveling that awful highway between Red Bluff and Chico, although that has been considerably reduced and will end completely within a few months. So things will lighten up soon.

2. Clutter. This was on my 2010 list too, and I've made progress this year. There still is the attic to tackle, and I just was looking in my desk drawers for Christmas cards which I'm sure are somewhere: Not, however, in the drawer, although there is way too much old stuff that needs sorting through. I've cleaned out bathroom drawers and cupboards, eliminated stacks of old magazines, and I've been fairly ruthless about sorting through clothes that no longer work for me. We'll just keep sorting and recycling and pitching this next year!

3. Illness or injury. Also on my 2010 list, these are things I definitely do not want, and that keeps me going to the doctors and dentist for checkups.We eat healthily, take supplements, and I've been faithfully doing yoga nearly every week, usually twice a week, or using either the treadmill or the whole body vibration. That's real progress over last year.

4. Self-criticism. Nobody can wrap me around the axle about my faults and deficiencies more than I can. My talent for self-flagellation is still entirely too present too often. I know I have wonderful friends and family who support and love me. Why is it still so hard to lighten up on my own expectations?

5. 20 lbs. It's still there, although I lost the same 10 lbs several times this year and then let it creep back. It's there now. It needs to leave permanently in 2012.

6. Negative people. I don't like being around them and I don't have to be. Same goes for mean, untrustworthy people.

7. Bad habits. Spending too much time on the computer jumping from link to link, for instance -- I can putz away hours just reading blogs or websites or browsing online shoe stores! Eating too much because it tastes good instead of stopping when I am satisfied. Putting off things like sorting through papers and cleaning off my desk.

8. Self-imposed limits. Sometimes these are good; for instance, when eating M&Ms or gummy bears. But when I begin to question my abilities or claim I'm 'too old' to do something, I need to figure out what's really going on and deal with it. I should have no limits on what I want to do and am able to do!

9. Over-performance when it isn't necessary. I do not have to pass a white glove test of my house (good thing, too!) I am competing with absolutely nobody in how I choose to look, what I wear, how much I get done in any given day, if and when I volunteer for something, or how I want to spend my time. Lighten up.

10. Guilt. This is induced by the acts as described above and a few thrown in from way long ago past crap. A stupid, unnecessary emotion. You'd think I'd been raised Catholic or Jewish, ferpetessake -- all that guilt is just wasted on a Protestant! Get over it.

11. People who make me feel uncomfortable. I don't care if this is someone I've known for a long time or a clerk in a store or someone in a group that I belong to: if I'm uncomfortable being around them, I need to seriously look at why I'm there. Life is too short to waste time in such situations. I want to be with people who are interesting and intelligent and who like me and who I like in return.

12. Old files. I am never going to need my old teaching files again. Ditto my college essays and papers, or -- oh yes -- even some of my high school ones. Somehow I think my long-ago attempts at poetry are not likely to be published posthumously and I do not think my children will want them either. I have old bills and paperwork files stored in the attic -- as does Tony -- and we need to shred or burn them this year!

Here's my list from last year -- actually quite similar. These issues didn't just arise this year, and I just keep working on them. I know I will benefit from allowing these things to fade away and not be so present in my life. Life is short. I want to love what I have left of it!

Reverb 11 -- Day 11

2011-12-11T23:30:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: People: Who surprised you?

#2 Prompt: What do you wish you had done more of in 2011?

#1 -- I really can't think of just one person who surprised me this year, but I have been surprised and humbled by several people. Compliments are hard for me to accept, I guess, and I am always surprised when I'm told how much I mean to someone, or how I've helped them, or how 'wise' someone thinks I am. I am so grateful for the friends that I have, and those whose actions I so admire and aspire to, so when someone tells me that I am a good friend to them, or I have offered advice that helps them, I sort of look around to see who it is they are talking to!

And I guess that says more about how I regard myself than anything else. Maybe I need to work on that, hm?

#2 -- I wish I had played more, done more things that were just plain fun to do and worried about people and situations less. I wish I had done more writing in this blog, and also in planning what my book is going to be. I wish I had worked more outside in my garden and on landscaping for the yard. I wish I had done more theater. I get another chance in 2012.

Reverb 11 -- Day 10

2011-12-11T09:57:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Energy: Where are you losing energy in your life? When/where are you most drained? What energizes you? What jolts you, lifts you up, gets you giddy? Makes you relax? What has you feeling better immediately no matter what?

#2 Prompt: Beauty - Describe a moment of beauty that you witnessed this year.

#1 -- Oh, gosh. Energy. My biggest energy drain is probably handling the paperwork for my daughter's disability. It looms over me every time I walk into the office: receipts need filing, correspondence needs filing; and they pile up easily. It isn't that it is such a huge task when done consistently, but I tend to allow them to pile up. Actually, I'm that way with any paperwork, as my wonderful husband can attest: my desk and surrounding area has many papers and bits of notes scattered across it. I do make headway, but not regularly enough to make it stop.

What energizes me is -- well, aside from a good dose of something chocolate -- doing something I enjoy doing: acting, or reading for fun, or yoga, for instance. I love gardening, but right now the garden needs to be tilled, compost worked into the soil, and topped with a leaf and newspaper and manure sandwich, and that is just sheer work.

I'm too good at avoiding such tasks, actually: I'd rather go to lunch with a friend or putter in the kitchen or read blogs online, for instance, or browse for that fabulous shoe bargain that I'm sure is there somewhere if I look long enough.

I always feel better immediately if I sit still, sip a cup of good tea, and pet a cat. There are always kitties to pet around here.

#2 -- Beauty. I love seeing the moon rise over our land, smiling down at the deer and the kitties and the trees and making it all look magical, every single month. I always take time to step outside and open my arms wide to her benevolent beauty, and remember a long-ago moon family, think of faraway friends and family members, and ask for enlightening energy.

But true beauty came recently during a performance of "A Cascade Christmas" when I watched the granddaughter of a dear friend dance a dream. The young woman is in her early teens, just bursting with vulnerable youth on the cusp. That achingly precious anticipation of life and all it has to bring her was so evident as she twirled joyfully across the stage, those smooth young limbs easily rising and stretching gracefully to embrace her future. I puddled up immediately, watching that amazing dance, and I hope it is a long, long time before someone/thing interrupts that hopeful enthusiasm. There is nothing more beautiful than watching young people start out on their life's path with trust and faith that their lives will be incredible and wonderful.

And yes, I realize that not every young person has the benefit of supportive, loving parents as this young lady has had. Yet I think most still have some measure of trust and confidence that their life will be good, that they can achieve a goal, be better and different from what they know.

Reverb11 - Day 9 -- Disappointment and Music

2011-12-09T17:26:00.000-08:00

#1 - Disappointment - What was the one disappointment that has turned out to be a blessing in the last 12 months? How will this affect how you deal with disappointment in the future?

#2 - Music: What song did you fall in love with this year? Was it an entire album? Did you listen to it on repeat? Share you relationship with the song and what it meant to you + made you feel

#1 -- Honestly, I don't remember a disappointment this year that was in fact a blessing, although I remember a bunch of disappointments.

The disappointment I DO remember best that turned out like this was 14 years ago when I was looking for a place to live in the SF Bay area, most especially somewhere on the coast because I wanted to be close to the ocean. On a long weekend visit from Birmingham, Ala., I'd searched for houses and apartments in Pacifica, Moss Beach, El Granada, Montara. That was during the height of the dot-com boom, and housing was spendy and hard to find, and I had a definite budget.

I found one, a big apartment in the back of a house that was surrounded by fragrant eucalyptus trees and even had a glimpse of the ocean. I wanted that house. And I didn't get it and was so devastated by that. What I did get was a sight-unseen one-bedroom in a 12-unit building (the tenant was moving out but it couldn't be shown) with a big window that faced the ocean. As it turned out, that place was three blocks from where Tony, who I did not know existed, had just moved. Yeah, we 'might' have met if I'd gotten the other place, but not like we did -- a quick phone call and a walk down the street to the beach steps. What a life-changing blessing that was!

When I am disappointed now, I try to just let it roll and trust that things will work out the way they should. We don't always see reasons for disappointments until long after they have happened. (And there are some I'm still waiting to discover...)

#2 -- Much as I love music, I don't think I discovered anything 'new' this year. When I listen, which honestly is mostly either in the car or in the dental chair (thank god for ipods and valium), I choose from the eclectic mix that I love: from Grateful Dead to John Rutter choral to the Organ Symphony by Saint-Saens to ABBA. Right now I'm listening to Christmas music, and I can't get enough of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's Christmas trilogy.

When I'm home, I rarely listen to music. My mother used to tell me she loved the silence, and I could NOT understand that -- I always had music on or the radio. I get it now: I love the leaves rustling and the birds chirping and the foot-falls of the deer on crunchy grass and the occasional 'mew' of one of the outdoor cats as they look through the sliding door screen. That's music for my soul.

Reverb 11 -- Day 8 -- Labels and Joy

2011-12-08T14:46:00.000-08:00

#1 -- Prompt: What label/story/box/belief clipped your wings this year? How can you flip the script in 2012? What’s your new story?

#2 -- Prompt: Joy. Take us back to a moment in 2011 when you experienced pure, unadulterated joy.

#1 -- I'm pretty sure of myself: a strong woman, reasonably confident in who I am, what I love, what I believe. I believe in change and in growth. But my belief in who I am and what I can do was shaken substantially recently by a casual comment made by a friend during a committee meeting.

For three years I have participated in an annual theater performance benefit. I've performed the same role -- an outrageously funny, bawdy, even slightly shocking monologue that had audiences -- and the cast -- rolling with laughter. I love acting and am eager to do this piece again as well as more theater in 2012. I think I'm pretty good at it -- I've been told that by people whose opinions I respect, and the audience seems to respond well to my characters, both this one and others..

So. During the course of the meeting, as we were discussing how to get more people involved in the production, my friend commented, nudging me, that …”we’re getting too old to do this.” I gave her a long look of – I don’t know – surprise? Shock? Denial? – and she added, “Well, I’m getting too old.”

Much later, the ice weasels started their partying, eventually settling into a steady chant of "You’re too old! You’re too old!” It woke me up this morning an hour before I normally am conscious. And I began questioning whether or not I was indeed ‘too old’ to do not only this particular event, but pretty much anything in theater.

“You’re 64 years old!” they taunted. “You look ridiculous up there, saying such age-inappropriate things and making a total FOOL of yourself! Stick a fork in it, tootsie, you’re done! You’re too OLD to act anymore, honey, and nobody is brave enough to tell you!”

We don’t see ourselves as others see us. I see from INSIDE looking out at the world, and while that ‘me’ is not only perfectly capable of doing pretty much anything she wants to do, she also doesn’t feel ‘old’ (mostly). But I began questioning how OTHERS, especially those who don’t know me, might see me on stage, and concluded that perhaps I AM ‘too old.’ The idea just completely flipped my whole impression of who I am and what I should be doing with the rest of my life, and I didn't like what I was feeling or thinking.

I’ve talked since with a few people who I knew would be honest with me, and I’m not ready to throw it all in just yet. As long as directors cast me in roles and I’m capable of memorizing lines and blocking, I’m staying onstage. I’ve never done well with labels since I never quite fit into societal or corporate boxes. TOO OLD is not going to be one I allow in my life either, not yet.

#2 – We vacationed on the Oregon coast this fall in a lovely rental apartment that had a full wall of floor-to-ceiling windows looking out at the mighty, mighty ocean endlessly washing over the little beach below our deck. It had been raining and blowing for a couple of days, and we had snugged in with plenty of food, snacks, and reading material.

One particular afternoon, I was propped with numerous pillows on the cushy chaise end of a sectional sofa that faced that glassed wall, and had an afghan covering my legs and feet while I read my lusciously long and detailed novel. Most afternoons I’d close my eyes for 15 or 20 minutes, dozing a little, relishing the quiet, the solitude, and pleasure of just being by the ocean and doing exactly what we wanted to do.

This afternoon, though, Tony had moved from a nearby chair where he had settled with his laptop to the sofa next to me, and put his head on my lap, the rest of him covered with another fleecy afghan. The ocean’s constant roar – louder that usual because of the storm – was soothing, the light was soft, and we were warm and together. With my hand lightly stroking Tony’s head, I closed my eyes and gave thanks for such a perfect moment of joy.

Reverb 11 -- Day 7 -- Forgiveness and Food

2011-12-07T16:46:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Forgiveness - Who have you forgiven this year and what was the journey like that brought you to forgive them?

#2 Prompt: Food: What did you eat this year that stayed with you? Did you experiment with a new meal? Try a new restaurant? Reflect on your good (or less desirable) eats with detail and explain why it stayed with you!

#1: Well, this certainly sparked some soul-searching on my part, and a lunch-long conversation with Tony as we discussed forgiveness.

In 2005, before my mother died, I had a long conversation about forgiveness with my uncle when we were both in Springfield visiting her. I'd read something recently that included a variation of the Lily Tomlin quote "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." He liked that, and we talked at length about a family situation that clearly was going to require some forgiveness on both sides.

When I was contemplating who I've forgiven this year, or IF I'd forgiven anyone this year, I realized that I don't actually forgive. I move through a situation, I can move past and move on from a situation, but my relationship with that person is forever after colored by the experience requiring forgiveness. I may continue a friendship or relationship, but I'm a little more guarded, a less less trusting, much more aware of what I say and share and do with that person. I'm rarely without a filter after that point.

Something requiring forgiveness is an event which is going to change how I relate thereafter to that person, and therefore change my life path, even slightly. By forgiving, I still can't undo that change. It happened. It caused whatever reaction it caused. I can choose to include or not that person in my life, or to change the level of involvement, but the solid fact is that the event still happened.

(Disclosure: I am a Scorpio. It has been said that Scorpios don't forget or forgive, they get even. There is some truth to that, even though it may take years to do so.)

I'm pretty good at moving through and on, except when it comes to forgiving myself, probably the most important act of forgiveness any of us ever perform. While I've grown through a lot of events I've done to myself, there are still those that linger in the depths of my memory, and occasionally -- usually when I'm feeling down anyway -- I drag them out yet again and continue the flogging. This year I've made some progress on a couple -- at least I recognize when the cat-o-nine-tails is about to come out, and I can usually put it away. But there is still forgiveness that needs to be generously applied to some of the other memories in that dungeon.

#2: Oh me. I like to eat. I love sweets. And pasta. And fresh bread. And, to be fair, fresh veggies and crisp, fresh salads. I like to eat good food, too. I'm not big on junk food, although I'll admit to a strong craving a few months ago for potato chips, and while I did not break down and buy a bag, I did indulge most heartily in the big bowl of them that was present at a picnic gathering.

I'm not instantly recalling a stand-out meal or dessert this year, however. I enjoyed many such foods, in fact. I think the first, perfectly ripe watermelon of the season, or a fresh, juicy tangerine at Christmas is a delight to taste buds and memory alike. Or a still-warm tomato sliced on good sourdough bread spread with real mayonnaise and topped with a fresh basil leaf is a thrill to the senses. An overflowing black and white sundae, dripping with chocolate and real whipping cream, answered my sweet tooth's plea for deliciousness.

Sometimes a bowl of just-made hot vegetable soup and a slice of fresh bread and butter is perfect for the moment, or a plate of spaghetti with homemade meat sauce and fresh parmesan.

A few years ago -- gasp, in 2007! -- a friend made a birthday cake for Tony and me that was seriously amazing. I wrote about it at the time. It remains in my memory one of the most delectable things I've ever eaten. (Although that group no longer is together and sharing wonderful food (at least with us, anyway!), it was a precious time.)

I'd love to find that to-die-for taste again in 2012. (But I'd also like to get rid of the extra pounds that have slowly crept on this year before they do lasting damage. Right now it's not too many, but if I keep writing about food, it definitely will continue climbing.)

Reverb 11 -- Day 6 -- Laughter

2011-12-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

Both prompts this morning ask about laughing -- what made me laugh this year. I had to think about this too much, unfortunately.

Prompt: Laughter: Reflect on the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt, your mascara ran down your face, or you wet your pants?

I *think* there was one such moment back in March when my little group of Cowgirls -- four of us who have been getting together at least every few months for nearly seven years now -- were celebrating a birthday. We had gone to Redding to the Marinello School for facials, manicures, and pedicures (my daughter Vanessa was a student there at the time, and she handpicked three other friends to tend to us). We'd started with a wonderful brunch at the home of our Redding Cowgirl, and enjoyed being pampered for several hours. And we ended up at Leatherby's Ice Cream where we got outrageously caloric sundaes. And we laughed and talked and laughed some more. I no longer remember what was said that set me off, but I remember giggling and belly-laughing until my sides ached and I had tears in my eyes. It felt so good!

There is laughter in my life often, although not often like that. Some of the television shows we watch are fun and funny, and we both erupt into laughter in our darkened great room, startling the kitties out of their naps. I read magazines and books that often have amusing bits in them, and I've been known to lay in bed cackling over some such story, inadvertently rousing Tony from his early sleep.

More laughing in 2012, please.

Reverb 11- Day 5

2011-12-05T16:23:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: 5 on 5:

What are 5 things you have done for yourself in 2011?
What are 5 things you have done for others in 2011?
What are 5 things that held you back from doing things for others?
What are 5 things that you want to do for yourself in 2012?
What are 5 things you want to do for others in 2012?

#2 Prompt: 5 Things - Describe 5 guilty pleasures

#1: Five fives
1. ** Massage every month. ** Yoga class every week, usually two, with only a few exceptions. **Let my hair grow: it hasn't been this long for decades, although it's just barely at the top of my shoulders now. ** Read more books for fun.** Monthly housekeeper visit
      2. **Continue to act as R's representative payee -- no small task, and not without angst. **Tried to be available and open to V to listen, to soothe, to counsel when asked, and not to opine (at least too much!). **Been a good friend to at least a couple of people. **Listened to and talked with Tony as he's worked through work issues. ** Fulfilled commitments that I'd agreed to do.
      3. ** Burn-out: I was just tired. ** Working on my own projects. ** Energy. ** Health issues ** Lack of motivation
      4. **Keep up the things I did in 2011, the good things, like yoga and massage ** Read more **Ditch the guilt ** Write more ** Cultivate friendships
     5. **Listen more ** Talk less **Find a cause that I'm passionate about and volunteer ** Be kinder ** Be honest with my words and my actions

#2: Guilty pleasures
     1. Gummy bears or gummy worms that leap off the grocery shelves into my cart and come home with me
     2. Nora Roberts (or JD Robb) paperbacks
     3. Ice cream at lunch
     4. Sentimental movies on Lifetime or Hallmark channel
     5. Shoe porn (that's what Tony calls it) -- I like shoes, and can spend hours browsing online shoe stores and reading reviews

I hope that as you share my Reverb11 writings that you're thinking about the topics for yourself, if not writing about them yourself. I always learn things from looking back at the year just passed, sometimes things I didn't realize at the time -- for instance, when I realized that the moment I will never forget -- see Day 3 -- was such a sad, painful memory. I am determined to change that in 2012: I want an unforgettable moment to be a good one, not one like that.

Reverb 11- Day 4

2011-12-04T14:11:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Addition through subtraction. What have you let go of this year and how has it affected you?

#2 Prompt: Fear. If you could take a pill to *cure* just one of your fears from 2011, which one would you choose and why?

#1: Letting go of things I cannot control or change has been a key element for me this year, most especially as it has related to our children and their lives and choices. I wrote more extensively on this here and here, although I can really see it in other posts from 2011 (and back...)

The poem "Letting Go" in that first post helped me to understand that by letting go of my fears and apprehension and the faint hope that I might affect the dreadful outcomes that the ice weasels whisper to me nightly, I am not giving up on my children nor on my love for them. I can love them as I always have, but I am not responsible for their choices nor outcomes resulting from those decisions. I cannot prevent them from making mistakes and figuring out how to live their own lives. And that part about nagging, scolding or arguing hit home big time. I wasted so much energy doing all of the above in the vain hope that it will make a difference!

Letting go is a daily activity for me and the effort, honestly, sometimes colors my days more darkly than I'd wish. But I am making progress. I am focusing more on my own life, "... determined to save the only life you (I) could save..."

#2: Fear. I've had way too many ice weasel visits this year about different things going on in my life and in the lives of those I love (yup -- see above!) I think one of the most paralyzing fears, however, is cardiac neurosis: rapid heartbeat, palpitations, and extreme anxiety, but without any evident physical abnormalities. I'd happily take a pill to cure that particular fear!

It stems from 2002 when I was misdiagnosed with a heart attack. What I really had was a gangrenous gall bladder which the doctor finally figured out several days later when my fever did not subside. After I'd recovered from surgery and a nasty wound infection, I was thoroughly tested by a very competent cardiologist in the Bay Area who found no evidence of a heart attack.

I've had hereditary high blood pressure since I was in my early 30s and I know I don't exercise enough, but I do take care of my health and diet. But when my heart starts racing or palpitating for any reason, my anxiety just soars. Yuk.

Reverb 11--Day 3

2011-12-03T14:36:00.000-08:00

#1 Prompt: Generosity: Were you witness to or a recipient of generous action this year? What can you give back in 2012?

#2 Prompt: A Moment in Time. Tell us about one moment that you lived in 2011 that you will never forget?

#1: I've witnessed great generosity from people who give their time and talent for a cause: the Red Bluff Murder Mystery Dinner Theater cast and organizers were among those this year. (While I hesitate to name names here, it doesn't take a lot of sleuthing to find them.) Both cast and steering committee donated days and weeks to the project; most donated money or goods as well in the collaborative effort to raise money for the Tehama County Branding Project. It was heartening to watch that, and to be among the cast who put on a good show for the several hundred audience members to enjoy. While it was not particularly good theater, it was really good entertainment, and I'm looking forward to seeing cast and crew again in 2012. The generosity of spirit and comradery lifted my heart for those weeks.

I watched similar generosity from a good friend who escorted her newly graduated mentee to begin college in Nebraska this year, as she did for the mentee's sibling last year. It wasn't enough that she had been instrumental in helping both young adults to find the school and significant financial aid; she physically got them there and helped them move in! Her passion for helping young people is inspiring and I'm proud to call her friend.

#2 -- I wish I had a positive moment to remember here instead of the one I do. Sometimes the memories and reflections stirred up by these Reverb writing prompts are too personal to write much about in a public forum, and this moment was one. Let's just say it involved a relative and a discouraging discovery, and a subsequent 'come to Jesus' meeting that ended with me bursting into sad, hot tears as soon as I was alone.

Onward to Day 4.

Reverb11 -- Day 2

2011-12-02T11:45:00.000-08:00

Today's prompt: My children will do it differently: If you could choose one thing that your children will do or experience in a different way than you have, what would it be and why?

OR

Prompt: Whimsy: Recall a fairy tale-esque moment from 2011. An epic kiss? A triumphant victory? A Wonderland-esque adventure? How did this momentous or fanciful happening affect your outlook?

Two different prompts from two lists. Hm. Let's see what comes....

#1: My children have already done the biggest thing I would have wished for them to do differently, alas, and that is to struggle with addiction and all its consequences. I would have wished for them not to have to face those dragons, ever. But they have. They do. But they are doing it differently than I did, long ago. Who I am today is in no small measure a result of how I faced down my dragon. Their futures will reflect their own battles. I hope they will come through stronger, better, wiser. And I recognize my powerlessness over their choices.

But the other thing I would wish for them to do differently is to settle for anything less than what they truly want. Part of that process is defining what they want, however, and that can take years. I hope they find that sooner than I did, but I hope their end result is as rewarding as mine has been.

#2: There was little whimsy in my life this year, actually. The fairytale-esque moments were more out of the Brothers Grimm than Disney: plenty of scary, dark, ominous-looking woods to travel through, and the potential of scary creatures jumping across my path.

There were, however, some moments of well-being, of feeling completely at peace with the world and with where I was.

Those weren't 'big' moments. Watching our favorite television shows at night, lights darkened, wood stove glowing, the alcove above it twinkling with lights and the silhouettes of the angel statues that live there year-round, kitties curled up on their tuffets and audibly snoring. Snugged together up in bed on clean, soft sheets, kitties in their usual sleeping places -- Cheswick by Tony's side, McMurphy at his feet -- and talking quietly about how lucky we are to have found each other. Reading long, engaging books in a room with floor-to-ceiling windows and sliding doors open to a wide, wonderful ocean vista, pillows surrounding me and a cup of hot chai tea beside me, my honey sitting close by and also reading -- for three days this is how we spent our time! How wonderful is that!

More whimsy in 2012, please.

31 Days of Reflection -- Reverb11 -- Day 1

2011-12-01T14:58:00.000-08:00

Last year I participated for the first time in Reverb10, a full month of daily writing prompts about 2010. It was an enlightening experience: I was able to put some things in perspecttive and begin to visualize what I wanted 2011 to be.

This year, Gwen Bell, one of the original founders, realized that the exercise had fulfilled its purpose for her and she opted to go in different directions. Others have taken up the challenge, creating e-mail subscription lists or other means of issuing a daily challenge to reflect on the 'Reverberations' of 2011.

One such list is here: if you do a Google search, you'll find others, and the prompts may not be quite the same. I'm subscribed to two lists: both had the same first prompt as does the link above.

With that, I give you this year's first prompt:

Prompt: One word: Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why.
Imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Perseverance. That's my word for 2011, although it is not the word I'd hoped it would be,which was Renewal. I kept the home fires burning this year, bit by bit doing some of the decluttering (though by no means all) both mental and physical that I'd hoped to accomplish. Not a lot changed, actually. There was a lot of one-day-at-a-time thinking. There wasn't much new started; there was a lot of maintenance involved, and just getting through stuff, not much of it major (thank god/dess). 2011 was another year down, but not what I'm hoping to make these years that I have left of my life, however many those may be.

A year from today, I hope to immediately say that my word for 2012 was Transition. Tony retires early in 2012 and already is gearing down a lot by working from home several days each week, delegating responsibilities, and beginning to think in terms of what it is he wants to be doing in 2012. With his retirement, perhaps I'll find more of my own since his work will no longer govern what we do, when we do it, and what we are focusing on. In November 2012, we transition from group health insurance to Medicare, officially beginning our 'senior' years, I think, at least in the eyes of many. I expect 2012 to be a transition for both of us into the next stage of our lives.

20 things I wish I'd known earlier

2011-11-20T14:16:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about doing this list ever since I read this blog post on The Lettered Cottage. Layla Palmer illustrated hers with wonderful photos and included some of her favorite quotes, and I loved it.

So on the eve of my 64th birthday -- how did I get to be this old so fast! -- here are some things that I would tell my teenage self. I'm not putting photos here, but picture your own self as you were when you were a high school senior with all those dreams and desires and plans.

I probably wouldn't have listened carefully enough back then to have understood some of the ramifications of my actions and non-actions. And I probably wouldn't have believed some of the stories that I now tell about my life. But for what it's worth, here is what I would say now to my teenage self:

1. You are pretty, although I know you don't think so now. You're taller than average, yes, and you desperately envy the girls with the great hair and bubbly personalities who are "average" height and weight and build. But one day a man is going to fall head-over-heels in love with you and your long legs, your green eyes, your straight, fine hair, and your what-you-see-is-what-you-get personality, and he's going to tell you every day how loved you are, how pretty you are, and how lucky he is. You will feel like you won the lottery with him. Promise.

2. Your big voice that carries so far and that you try so hard to control will serve you well one day. People will want to hear your words.

3. Your mother and father love you more than you will understand for many years. Cherish the family times; listen to their stories; hug them every time you get the chance, and listen to their advice, even when it irritates the living crap out of you. One day you will miss hearing their voices so much that it makes you cry.

4. Not everyone is going to like you, and you aren't going to like some of them either, and that's okay. You don't have to be a people-pleaser; in fact, you'll be better off if you just be who you are instead of who you think they want you to be.

5. Listen more than you talk: you'll learn more that way. Everyone has a story that they want to tell someone.

6. And think before you speak: be sure the brain is engaged before the mouth opens. Your words carry a lot of weight: be sure your message is clear. You are very good at the quick, sarcastic comeback, but it can hurt others, and you really do not want to do that.

7. Take care of your body: parts wear out faster than you'd think.

8. Moisturize your neck. Really.

9. Write. Keep a journal. Remember stories and practice writing them down. You'll make money from writing, and you're good at it, better than you think you are. You will want to write a book.

10. Be easier on yourself. Disbar that critical judge that lives in your head who tells you all the shoulda-coulda-woulda stuff. Be who you really are, and love yourself.

11. Be kind, even when you do not feel kindly. There is not enough kindness, ever. Thumper had it right: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

12. Be careful with the alcohol, the chocolate, the rich, fried, buttery foods. It is all about portion control. And you'll never not love sweets, but you'll eat more veggies than you could ever think.

13. Practice gratitude every day. Even on the worst days you can find something to be grateful for -- a hot shower, a cup of Earl Grey tea in your grandmother's china teacup, clean sheets. It makes things easier.

14. Ask for help. You do not have to do it all yourself. You CANNOT do it all yourself, although you'll try and suffer for it until you learn better.

15. Cherish your friends, but be sure you know who they are. Not everyone is trustworthy: guard your confidences.

16. Children are a mixed blessing. You will love your children more than you could imagine, but you will also suffer great pain when things happen to them that a kiss and a hug can't make better. This will always be true.

17. Live each day as though it were the only one you have, because you never know if it might be. Plan for the future, but live in the moment. And let go what is past: you can't change what happened.

18. Time speeds up as you get older. Do things you really want to do sooner than later. Listen to that little voice way deep inside you: it will steer you where you need to go even if others are telling you differently.

19. Be patient. Wait for what is right. This will be a lesson that keeps coming back to you, one day at a time.

20. Do. Not. Settle. Not for a relationship, not for a job, not for a dream. Get clear about what you want, and then make it happen. You have tremendous power within yourself.

What would you tell your 17-year-old self?

I'm not Occupying Red Bluff any more...

2011-10-25T16:21:00.000-07:00

and here's why.

I enthusiastically participated in the first Occupy Red Bluff march a couple of weeks ago, waving my sign at cars going up and down Main Street.

The original Occupy Wall Street movement which, spore-like, has sprung up in communities around the world, began mostly as a protest against corporate greed.

Says the website: "Occupy Wall Street is leaderless resistance movement with people of many colors, genders and political persuasions. The one thing we all have in common is that We Are The 99% that will no longer tolerate the greed and corruption of the 1%. We are using the revolutionary Arab Spring tactic to achieve our ends and encourage the use of nonviolence to maximize the safety of all participants.
This movement empowers real people to create real change from the bottom up. We want to see a general assembly in every backyard, on every street corner because we don't need Wall Street and we don't need politicians to build a better society."

So okay, I absolutely can buy into that. That seems to be an issue that transcends party lines and will register with politicians and corporations that we 'little people" are not going to lay down and watch our dollars disappear into your coffers without a protest.

And I print my signs about being one of the 99 percent and show up.

The Occupy Red Bluff group gets on Facebook. Well, okay, that is a great social media communication device as is Twitter for communicating and staying in front of people.

And then I read this post: "Every Monday @ 11:00 am there will be a gathering of occupiers @ BofA, 955 Main St. Red Bluff CA. Plz bring a sign and express your feelings about what is going on in Congress, on Wall Street ,The War, Guantanamo Bay, etc....Be nice, be polite, be humane"

More posts appeared in support of the Humane Society, the homeless, famine in America and hungry children, pictures of hippies back in the day, lots of news about other Occupy cities (which I'd have expected, of course), domestic violence, even Lindsay Lohan news.

And I was done.

The protests against corporate greed, about misuse and non-repayment of the federal bailout money, and about the rich (both individuals and corporations) not being fairly taxed was one I could embrace and one which I believe could do a lot to bring people in any political party together on an issue has now devolved, at least locally, into a mishmash of liberal causes.

Don't get me wrong: I support many of these causes individually and have donated time and money over the years. I've marched on picket lines and written letters to the editor and supported various of these causes. I support spay/neutering of pets, shelters for the homeless, ending domestic violence, and the like, for instance. Each of those causes already has an organization devoted to furthering its message and call to action.

But Occupy Red Bluff (and, I suspect, many other local Occupy events) has become too unfocused, too broad for me to want to get out there with my 99 percent sign again. I don't have a passion for some of the other causes that have been all tossed in together like grandma's old crazy quilt, and I don't want my friends and neighbors to mistake my action and conviction for something else.

Unfortunate. Really unfortunate that it has become just another "liberal" vehicle for the Tea Party and conservative Republicans to scoff at and dismiss as a place where all the 'commie liberals' hang out and wave their protest signs.

It should not be labeled as such. The root of the protest is one we all should be concerned about and be vocal about because it strikes at the heart of our economy, our investments, our government, and our future . The leaders of this 'leaderless' protest would be better served to stick to the issue. Because they've lost this one of the 99 percent, who is now slipping back into that silent majority who don't participate in picket lines and marches. (My pen, however, remains my most trusted sword....)

Dear Universe, give me patience. Now, please.

2011-10-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

That 'patience' lesson has been one that the Universe has offered to me over and over most of my life, but since 1997 I've been really aware when it presents itself.

I think I'm there again, although I'm not sure exactly what I'm needing to be patient about this time.

My life changed drastically in 1997 (although there was actually a lead-in of several years that I can see now that I have the perspective of time and hindsight). I was working in Birmingham, Ala., for a multinational company that sent me to the San Francisco area to visit other offices and to meet with my colleagues from there and from the East Coast offices.

It was a wonderful time: I explored the city, went to a meditation retreat in Marin County, ate wonderful food, met with my colleagues and worked on planning and projects, and thought a lot -- a LOT -- about what I wanted. I was 49 years old and so many of my friends were going through huge changes in their lives -- illnesses, divorces, moves -- best known as "mid-life crises." About that time I discovered Gail Sheehy's New Passages, a followup to her best-selling book Passages, and realized that we women were not losing our minds and that certainly our feelings and actions were not unusual. It was liberating to understand that.

I came home knowing that I belonged in California, more specifically in the SF Bay area, and that I did not want to look back at my life when I was dying and wonder "what if." I wanted to be who I was, not who I was expected to be any longer. That message from the Universe was crystal clear.

So I started to work towards that goal, involving many long distance job applications, hours of reading and talking to friends who lived there already and with those who knew me best, approaching my company for a job, and -- yes, a divorce.

From April until August -- really not long at all -- I worked single-mindedly at this, crying a lot, praying a lot, meditating a lot, reflecting on who I wanted to be, and trying -- STRUGGLING -- to be patient. In August, one of my employers' offices in the SF area came through with a job offer and I flew out to look for housing, which required more impatient patience as I waited for applications to be approved. (I HAD to live on the coast within a few miles of my beloved ocean, after all...)

It was the absolute right decision for me. It was not the easy path, however, and being on my own in California was sometimes very difficult and lonely (at least until I found Tony -- something the Universe clearly had planned for us). The Universe kept throwing 'patience' lessons at me, though, and I have learned to deal with it a little better over these last 14 years. At least I recognize when I need to let go and let it be, although it is always a struggle not to try to take it back and try to control it.

And once again I feel 'patience' as the lesson of the moment, but it seems to be patience for the next right thing to come along. I've felt very uncreative for quite some time -- fleeting ideas about writing, jewelry-making, sewing, gardening, singing, acting --but not anything that I feel passionate enough about to actually spend much time doing, and therefore I haven't done much of anything. Since I've always been passionate about the creative things I've chosen to do, to be so wishy-washy about doing anything is a little unsettling.

So, Universe, I'm waiting to see where I should go from here. You are in charge here, not me, and I get that, finally. I'm just trying to keep my eyes and my heart open to possibilities, and watching for open doors and windows. And to be patient, trusting that all will be well eventually. (But please remember that as I get older this time becomes more precious, okay?....)

Ten years later

2011-09-10T23:17:00.000-07:00

Five years ago I wrote this about our experiences on Sept. 11, 2001.

It's so hard to realize that those events occurred 10 years ago. Ten years ago we were still in the SFBay area, although we'd been looking at houses in Red Bluff a few times. We had just returned from moving Princess #3 from Chicago to Birmingham where she was going to live with Princess #1. Only a month earlier we had attended the Dahl cousins' reunion in Cambria where my mother's sisters and brothers, most of their children, and their children's children had come together for the first (and so far only) time, although there have been smaller gatherings a few times since.

Ten years ago I was barely into my 50s. We'd been married a little more than a year. My mother was still alive and so were her brothers: all now are dead and still missed daily.

Ten years ago the world changed forever, and not for the better. But Americans came together in ways they had not since World War II, and for a while we were united in our grief and shock and determination not to allow the unthinkable act of war to be forgotten.

Unlike my husband, I do not have any positive memories of that time: he writes today about an event at his company that forever touched him and helped his whole company get through such a difficult time.

What I remember is sitting in a meeting a few days later with a product director demanding that I come up with better, more enticing descriptions of monitor screens and wrist rests, and getting angry when I made only minor copy changes. When she complained to my manager, he reminded her that not all of us process such catastrophic events in the same way, and she responded, "She (meaning me) didn't know anybody who died. Why is she so upset?" And my manager looked at her for a moment, and then said, "Somebody has to grieve for them." He put off future meetings for another few weeks and helped minimize my contact with that person. She left the company not long after that.

The tragedies of Sept. 11 are all over the TV this weekend and I'll be glad when it's over, frankly. I don't want to remember it any more vividly than I already do. It's difficult to see anything positive that came from those deaths, although I'm sure that there are programs that take that spin.

But after the tumultuous, divisive political battles we've had in recent years, and the ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan that have sent so many of our soliders home in body bags or with horrific scars mental and physical, it's hard to remember that for a little while just 10 years ago we were a united people, all Americans, all grieving for what we had lost that morning. We are still grieving for our country and all we lost, but we are not united any more about much of anything.

Letting go -- again

2011-08-31T11:34:00.000-07:00

That old lesson of letting something/one go seems to constantly be in front of me, but a blogging friend posted a poem the other day that really helped me understand the concept in a new way, easier to wrap my head around.

It said:

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization that I can't control another.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.

--Unknown--

It's not new, it' s just new to me. The quote is all over Google.

Perhaps it feels relevant because we are on the cusp of change again: our youngest princess has moved to the Seattle area with her family to start a new, hopefully better life, although it's been a rocky start since her husband's (felony child-abusing) ex immediately filed a declaration that resulted in her receiving the three older children temporarily, and creating great turmoil. A court session tomorrow should result in V and D getting the kids back, and visitation mediation happening via phone. Nonetheless it has been difficult all around, especially for the kids, who have lived full-time with V & D for more than four years now. We've been on board to listen and soothe and comfort, and help as we are able.

Perhaps it feels relevant because I have worked hard to 'let go' of Princess #1 and my tendency to want to micromanage her life and choices, and for the most part am succeeding. Doesn't mean I'm sleeping all that well at night, when the ice weasels come out to play, but I'm not in her face all the time anymore -- healthier at least for me; it has got to be less frustrating for her. Her choices and decisions are hers to make, not mine, and the consequences of those choices also are hers, and I am not going to make them mine. The poem above helps me feel less like I'm abandoning her or that I don't care, because I do, very much. But I am not the responsible party here.

That said, I spent a good bit of July and August on the car search and ended up reasonably happy (although my tendency to second-guess myself after the deed was done appeared at least briefly). That's done. I've let it go. (really)

And we're looking at some changes in our lives too, although until it is actually fact I am not saying exactly what it is in this forum. These are good things, though.

Another thing I'm in the process of doing is letting go of all the people I used to be: a very busy career woman, an active church and choir and committee participant, an involved mom with a school-age child, a do-it-yourselfer who painted, papered, stripped wood floors, made most of my clothes as well as R's dresses and tops. I'm not there anymore; I'll never be there again, nor do I want to go back.

I confess to having some ideas of making some simple clothing again, since I find it hard to find styles I enjoy in colors that are pleasing, and especially for a reasonable price. I will probably end up volunteering in some capacity eventually, although nothing is singing loudly to me right now. I want to nurture my creative side again: I've been so caught up in managing R's affairs and illness and the business details of that for so long, and there is always something around here to clean out or tidy up or cook or fold, and so I've procrastinated finding my creative self for a long, long time. I want to let the need-to-ought-to-do stuff slide more and spend more time reading a novel or even beginning to write one, finishing the charm necklace I started two years ago and do more repurposing of my old jewelry., I want to put my ideas for landscaping our yard into action and start getting the bones in place.

I do not want to spend more time worrying about other people's lives and how they could fix them if they just listened to me. I want to let that go. All of that.

And I'm also beginning to accept where I am on the great wheel of life. I have fewer years ahead of me than are behind me. My butt-time career is really over, and I won't be climbing any more corporate ladders, not that I ever really did, with so much of my working life spent in non-profit and public sector areas. While I'm pretty tech-savvy and I read a lot about pop culture, I'm not in the main target audience for anything except Medicare supplemental insurance and walk-in bathtubs. I don't offer opinions anymore to anyone who will listen, and sometimes I'm sorry I opened my mouth when I do, partly because I'm realizing that disagreeing with a long- and strongly-held opinion is pretty useless and usually merely frustrating.

Life is short, too short to spend one more moment doing things and saying things that don't much matter to who I am. I'm letting go of the desire to please people, sometimes just by not saying what is in my head and at the back of my throat, but most definitely by not putting myself in a vulnerable situation in the first place -- i.e., doing something somewhere with people that I don't really care much about. I'm letting go of other people's expectations of what I will do or how I should act, and am resolved to be just who I am.

Yes, it IS all about me from now on!

(Well, that'd be me and my honey. But he loves who I really am, warts and all, and encourages me to be more me. It doesn't get better than that.)

That's my new plan for the rest of 2011 and forward into 2012. Be who I am now, let go of my need to control and please, seize the day for the good that we find in each one, and let regret go.

"We have met the enemy..." -- the Congressional debacle

2011-08-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

Following the devastating and horrific events of September 11, 2001, our country came together to mourn, to regroup, to help pick up the pieces and clean up the unbelievable, and to begin to move forward as one country unified by a tragedy that we could never have imagined would happen on our own ground.

Ten years ago.

And look where our country is now. As Pogo said, "We have met the enemy, and he is us."

We have a Congress who cannot agree on anything and whose failure to keep the good of the country uppermost in its decisions has resulted in the first downgrade of American credit EVER, a 10 percent drop in yesterday's stock market (although a slight improvement today), and an unprecedented unhappiness with our elected Congress.

There are predictions that the already shaky economy will dip back into recession. At best it means further tightening of our collective belts -- and for many, there may not be many notches left, given what we've already been through. The S&P downgrade is significant. It is actually scary as hell, regardless of what generation you are in.

And everybody involved is blaming the other guy.

Forbes magazine columnist Bill Singer has captured some of the outrage that most Americans feel about the latest Washington shenanigans in this post. Among other things, he says, "...Moreover, our economy remains on life support and Congress is on vacation. Seriously? On vacation? You folks don’t think that you have a ton of work to tackle? You think that you just accomplished something with the deficit reduction vote?...
What you didn’t do is forge a plan to put millions of unemployed back to work. You didn’t propose steps to unfreeze the frozen credit pipeline. You didn’t do jack to restore the confidence of antsy consumers and unsure entrepreneurs..."

Nobody gets off free in this, although in my opinion it's the Tea Partiers who resisted any compromise talk and refused to listen to leaders of even their own party who bear the bulk of the responsibility. Nonetheless, neither party gets points for this debacle.

So what can we, out here in the remote outposts, do? HuffPost's Arianna Huffington says, "...Washington has tuned out the country, and the sentiment is being reciprocated. The question becomes: what now? Well, one place to start is with ourselves. Our politicians have chosen to narrow their imaginations, but they can't narrow ours. Even if we can't control how Washington responds to our problems, we still have control over how we respond to them..."

**********

In other words, Congressional elections are in 2012. If you don't like what we've got in Washington, work to change it. Write letters. Write blog posts. Make phone calls. Tell them how you feel, tell them your stories. Be visible. Be active. Show up. Stand up. DO. NOT. SETTLE. for what we have now.

**********

The whole mess reminds me quite a bit of the old Kingston Trio song, "The Merry Little Minuet," by songwriter Sheldon Harnick. Although it was written in the late 1950s, there is too much still true today, this minute. And that's just a sad commentary on where we are now, ten years after 9/11.

"They’re rioting in Africa, they’re starving in Spain,
There’s hurricanes in Florida, and Texas needs rain

This whole world is festering with unhappy souls
The French hate the Germans, the Germans hate the Poles
Italians hate Yugoslavs, South Africans hate the Dutch
And I don’t like anybody very much

But we can be tranquil and thankful and proud
For Man’s been endowed with a mushroom-shaped cloud
And we can be certain that some lovely day
Someone will set the spark off…and we will all be blown away

They’re rioting in Africa, There’s strife in Iran
What Nature doesn’t do to us will be done by our Fellow Man"

A mixed bag of July

2011-07-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

Such a month it has been, this July. Unusually for these parts, we had many cool days where no air conditioning or swamp cooling was needed, we had some rain, and only a handful of days over 100 -- nothing approaching the usual round of 112+ degree days that is the fare du jour here in the north state.

August may bring some of that, but it also brings a sighting of fall, although we know we will have some hot days well through September and sometimes even in October, but with cooler nights.

July has been stressful for both of us. Early in the month, Princess #1 rolled her SUV, totalling it. She was unhurt although shaken, miraculously, but that has left her without wheels and her boyfriend's car is unreliable on a good day. So I've done a fair bit of chauffeuring here and there, although I've tried to make it fit my schedule and not her whim, and have also done the bulk of research to find a new one for her, one that will last for a long time, and that is within her budget. Fortunately, she still has back disability dollars in the bank which need to be spent by this fall, so that along with the check from the insurance company should be sufficient to get her a decent car.

My ex observed cheerily from his home in Missouri that 'car shopping can be fun,' to which I suggested he get his butt out here and go with her. He backed off, but did send some pages from Consumer Reports which helped, and I've spent lots of time on Edmunds and Kelly Blue Book.

I think we've found a car for her, and possibly one for us, actually, although we weren't really looking hard. (Our 12-year-old Corolla has been a steady, reliable vehicle, requiring almost no extra maintenance, but it also is on the brink of things starting to deteriorate from sheer age.) So today Tony and I will go to the dealership so he can drive the car -- another econobox, really, but with some cute factor thrown into the practicality) -- and then I'll try to negotiate a deal for both cars.

R also goes on Medicare in August, and that has been a huge learning experience as well, as I've learned about 'benchmark' prescription plans, low income financial aid, and what and how expenses are covered.

And then there is the Congressional circus, with all the posturing and pontificating and pouting and pandering that has made news night after night. As we look towards retirement, this is extremely unsettling for our financial wellbeing, and unbelievably frustrating to watch the self-righteous Tea Party members who are refusing to play nicely with anybody, including members of their own party, and to wonder if anyone in the Republican party even is aware that there are more people in their districts who are not millionaires and big businesses than those who are. Most seem determined to throw our country under the bus in order to make their stand and get their own way; certainly they seem quite willing to bring federal programs and paychecks to a complete halt.

They underestimate us, I think. Obama's speech this week woke up some of us and the switchboards and websites were flooded with messages telling representatives to shape up and get on with it. But that will be a mere ripple compared to if Social Security, disability, and veteran's benefits checks are missed, even one. People will lose their homes, will go hungry, will die, and there will be rioting, I believe.

Pretty dire scenario. I hope the Congress will start behaving like mature adults who are elected to represent ALL of the people, not just a wealthy few, and do what is right for our country. In raising the debt ceiling -- something that has been done over and over and over in the past, and is simply agreeing to pay bills we've already incurred -- we keep our credit rating in the world and act responsibly about paying our debts.

The budget issues are separate from this matter, and deserve to be addressed as such, but again, not by throwing people who depend on such programs as Social Security, disability and veteran's benefits to survive under that big honking billionaire bus. What they seem to forget -- and have for years -- is that WE fund Social Security with our wage dollars. It is not money to be spent or withheld by Congressional whim: it belongs to us and the government has been the (poor) caretaker of those funds.

Okay. I'm getting off the soapbox. For now.

But it is stressful to read and watch, even the bits I permit myself to do. Suddenly I feel like our financial future -- our retirement nest egg -- is badly threatened by the actions of people who are not even elected by me and those in my area (not that our Wally Herger is a lot better). And it's all beyond our control to do much.

I feel as though I'm maintaining, not growing, not creating, just maintaining and doing what needs doing. I try not to beat myself up about not getting in a garden this year -- the first time in years I have not done so -- or about the other things that clutter my office space -- receipts, notes, assorted R papers -- or about losing that stupid 8 lbs that has gone back on again, and dealing with my own health issues. But these times are stressful right now.

I'm longing for some ocean time, too -- the constancy of the waves, the sea air, the crying of the gulls overhead, the smell of the salt and seaweed and fish all mixed together. The ocean helps me clarify and sort through things and dismiss those that are less important. It blows out the cobwebs and the sun-baked ennui. We're planning a trip for fall. And with August's coming, each day moves that relief a little closer to reality.

June doings

2011-06-28T22:30:00.000-07:00

It's not for lack of subjects or opinions that I haven't posted since early this month. I have plenty to say, as those who know me well will attest, and sometimes I'm sure they wish I'd shut up.

I participated in a mystery dinner theater mid month to benefit our county's branding project -- a fund raiser for a professional marketing and branding guru to create campaigns that highlight our county's biggest assets -- among them are wine and olives.

It was an experience. I've done this before, about five years ago, and it's fairly corny -- lots of scantily clad women (excluding me, I might add), chase scenes, cat fights, raunchy humor, and a thin plot. The crowd loved it. It was a sellout both nights. And it involved a fair bit of rehearsal that last week, and a lot of willingness to adapt and change. It wasn't a particularly artistic experience and I sure didn't 'stretch' my acting -- I mean, I can play overbearing and bitchy blindfolded with both hands tied behind my back -- but the cast members are wonderful and I loved nurturing those relationships. That was the payoff for me.

On top of that I'd waited until the 11th hour to finish the 45-hour required real estate coursework to renew my license for another four years, not that I really plan on using it. But it took a lot of work to get it and you never know... so I was studying and taking online tests during the early part of the month as well. It's done. I could indeed sell real estate again in California, under a licensed broker.

And then there was a memorial service for a woman we met only a few times but are good friends with her partner and wanted to support him. It was an amazing service and I only hope that when my time comes that people are as loving and generous with their tributes as we heard at this service.

One thing in particular made me wish I'd known her better. Her spiritual path was very important to her and she'd studied in India, worked with practitioners from various spiritual paths, and her service was held in a Christian church designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. She was completely comfortable incorporating ALL of these practices into her own spiritual belief system and embraced all of them -- I love that, and found that to be eye-opening, especially since there were so many others there who seemed to feel the same way. The service was a mashup of Eastern chants, Christian ritual, music from all of them, and poetry. Many were dancing at the end as a trio sang "The Great Storm"; my leaky face dripped tears because it was so perfect, such a joyous acknowledgement of who this woman was, of who we all can be.

There is no doubt that her children and our friend will miss her terribly, and there were moments of grief that just tore at your heart, but it was a great sending-off and ended with a reception and chocolate cake -- her wishes, since she was known for her desserts and homemade bread. She was only 65 and died of cancer -- a fairly prolonged death, hard on her and those who loved her.

Then this last Saturday, we recorded Tony's first radio theater script for New Radio Theater. His is an adaptation of Rudyard Kipling's Rikki-Tikki-Tavi, and a number of wonderful north state actors came together to interpret it. We were cast as the great cobra Nag and his wife Nagaina, and had a great time hissing evilly. This is Tony's first script and he was just delighted that it was accepted and recorded for play later in July. I'll put the date and time as soon as I know for sure. It was quite a red-letter day for him, and I was very proud of him and the end result. He's now at work on an original script.

And earlier in the month we had a lovely picnic with our now three-year-old grandson, his brothers and sister, and our daughter V in a park area near their home. Gabe took to the plasmacar that we gave him without any instruction and rode it all over the adjacent parking lot, as did the other kids and even his momma! It was a fun afternoon, a little piece of normalcy and celebration within a lot of busy-ness and turmoil.

That's the 'doing' stuff for this month. There has been more 'being' stuff going on too, some of which I'm still pondering and trying to figure out. Not all of it has been especially fun -- including the ongoing state of the economy and turmoil over the budget, and with that, Medicare and Social Security, topics which at our age loom quite large in our priorities. Change is afoot for our children again, and we have become pretty good at holding our opinions and tongues close, although it is an uneasy compromise at times.

And the month which began in rain and cool weather also draws to a close with more rain and cool temperatures today (although we'll be up to 100 this weekend again) -- unusual weather for these parts, welcome though it was. Friday will bring a new month with new beginnings and who knows what endings we may find.

Rewriting history?

2011-06-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

It will come as no surprise to anyone who's read much on this site that I am not a Tea Party fan, other than the kind where ladies in big hats, gloves, pearls, flowery dresses, and sipping Earl Grey with a slice of lemon are in evidence.

It is also no surprise that I am a bonafide liberal. There. I said it. The *L* word (not to be confused with the Showtime series, thankyou).

I am, however, a child of the '50s and '60s, and I grew up reciting Longfellow's poem "The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere," and to this day I still remember April 18 as the day he warned Sam Adams and John Hancock that the British were coming.

But Sarah Palin apparently didn't read that poem, or perhaps she is revising history as she spoke recently (and a little too happily, perhaps) about Revere shooting and ringing bells as he warned the BRITISH that the Americans were going to fight. Uh huh.

Oh, I'm but one little blogger who has a complaint with her version of the story. Google Sarah and Paul Revere and you'll turn up many more, or check out You Tube for her version.

She claims she got it right.

Please, America. Please don't let her or others rewrite history any more than they have already through textbook standards in Texas. Such tampering is truly frightening.

.

Consequences

2011-06-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

Everything we do (or don't do) in life has a consequence.

If you choose to smoke cigarettes, for instance, you increase drastically your chances of getting cancer, emphysema, asthma, or some other smoking-related disease, likely shortening your life. You also expose your children to second-hand smoke, increasing their chances of illness. (And your clothes and your house smell. No matter how careful you are, they stink.)

If you choose to make fats and sugars and white flour the majority of your dietary intake, you likewise dramatically increase your chances of obesity and all its related health issues, which then may limit your activities, your self-esteem, your income, and likely will shorten your life.

And if you stop unhealthy behaviors, you also may extend and improve your life and increase your pleasure and happiness. Even when damage has been done, making choices that improve your life can make it better.

If you lie about what you do or who you're with or what you've achieved or where you've been, those lies will eventually surface and almost inevitably will cause trouble with your job, your loved ones, your health, and have ripple effects that can disrupt your living situation, your income, and even your freedom. Certainly they can have devastating effects on your mental wellbeing.

A choice made years ago can determine who and where you find yourself today. Sometimes the consequences take time to become evident, too -- even years.

Every action, every decision (or failure to decide), every choice has a re-action, a consequence. But when do we realize this? How old do you have to be before it sinks in?

It took me years to recognize that, really. Yeah, I knew early on that if I lied to my mother I was going to receive a much harsher punishment than I'd otherwise have gotten (she was that kind of mother. So was I.) I knew that if I didn't study my stupid algebra that I was not likely to pass a test -- although I also learned that in subjects I liked and which came easily to me, I sometimes could slack off and still receive a decent grade, and good grades got you more privileges and more interesting classes.

But I didn't think so much about the consequences of what I said or something I did until I was a lot older. And in the last few decades, choices and their consequences have been almost automatic considerations as I've gone about daily life.

Doesn't mean I don't make some choices that could hurt me down the road -- like having that scoop of ice cream after a healthy salad lunch. Like not getting on the treadmill every day. I try to make up for those lapses -- actually, those choices -- in other ways, however. Whether that will be good enough remains to be seen. Like I said, some of the consequences take years...and are cumulative...

Making choices about how we behave with our friends and family requires more deliberate thought, however, and I think we become more careful about our actions as we age.

Most of the time nowadays, I actually put the brain in gear before the mouth opens. I know I choose my battles far more selectively, and I try to weigh my words and their potential effect. I try to listen more than I talk. And I try to be kind, no matter what I say (although the girl in the Red Bluff Metro PCS office today probably wouldn't agree as I explained emphatically that what they did was a 'bait and switch' tactic and that I was not going to pay for the plan they'd automatically 'bumped' R's new account up to. It took 15 minutes and a great deal of talk and frustration to get the monthly bill to the point where I'd pay for it. But I digress...)

I've become far more protective of myself and my honey, and our wellbeing. Realizing that I can't 'fix' others' lives and actually living mine accordingly was a big breakthrough for me. That's resulted in establishing some boundaries that have definitely had consequences for me as well as for the other people involved -- there are some things that I'd thought would be part of my life that will likely never be, for instance, and some of those relationships are not what I'd hoped they might be. I'm slowly making my peace with that.

Probably the most searched terms within this blog have to do with getting out of life what you put into it, and reaping what you sow. I suppose this entry follows those themes once more. Every decision, every action has a consequence eventually. And a measure of maturity is, I suppose, the ability to project that choice into what consequences might follow it.

May your choices be well-reasoned and made with your highest self in mind.

Be kind. Be true to who you are.

2011-05-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

We watched "How to Train Your Dragon" last night, a cute animated movie, and it made me cry. (Yeah, I know. Really silly.)

It is the story of Hiccup, a young Viking whose people have been fighting all sorts of very imaginative, destructive dragons for 300 years on the Isle of Misery, where it snows 9 months of the year and hails the other three. He is not hero material and is bullied somewhat by the other kids. But he manages to make friends with a Night Fury, the most terrible of dragons, and ride it, and eventually becomes a hero. That's the short version.

I'm not even quite sure what touched me so much in this. Maybe it's a boy who followed his instincts to be kind rather than destructive, and in so doing, changed his entire culture. And it is all about love, too -- between a boy and his father, his dragon (who is sort of cat-like and also a little dog-like), and learning to be true to who he is.

We have such power to change our world by changing how we act and react to the people and events that we encounter. I know that a kind word and a pleasant smile can change a surly clerk into one who is ready to help. I know that we may never know what effect our words and actions might have on another -- sometimes it can make all the difference.

I know that the only person I can change is me, and I get to decide what kind of a person I want to be: nobody else gets to decide that. I know that I must live with the results of my decisions, but I also know that there are only a few choices that are irrevocable, even though the next choices may be different than the one I just made.

That's what this movie reminded me about, I think. And kindness won. It does, every time, even when it doesn't seem that way.

Just one wild and precious life

2011-05-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

In my favorite movie and play, Steel Magnolias, Truvy says, "Honey, time marches on, and eventually you realize it's marchin' across your face."

Today a friend sent me the Baby Boomers Battle Hymn. "Holy crap, we're getting older!"

As my grandmother would have said, "'T'aint funny, McGee."

It's already May 5 and it's flying by. We'll be in 100-degree temperatures all too soon. And then it will be Christmas again.

It is, I suppose, the nature of youth to behave as though there is infinite time spreading before them and that they are, despite evidence to the contrary, pretty much invincible and indestructible. I sure acted that way, perhaps not exactly 'pissing my youth away,' as the You Tube version goes, but without any real acknowledgement that our time here is finite and precious.

It's only when there are more days behind us than in front that we begin to realize how quickly this life slips by. I'm so there.

That's why I'm striving these days to take care of myself, to tell those who I hold dear how I feel about them, to let go of things that drag me down, and to make some inroads on the things I want to do. I hope I have many more years, good years, ahead of me. But I don't want to face the end of this life wondering what I might have accomplished had I paid better attention to what was going on around me, to my health both physical and mental, and to those I have loved most and best.

So I resolve to do the following:

Relish something each day, be it a good book, a loving relationship, a beautiful flower, a devoted pet, a piece of really good chocolate. And be aware that it is good. Say prayers for those who are hurting and for myself. Be kind. Do at least one thing 'for the good of the order' -- I don't have to do it all in one day, but one task every day will get the job done. Tell my friends and family that I appreciate them and love them. And love who I am becoming, wrinkles, gray hair, stiff joints and all. God is not finished with me yet, and I may have discoveries and contributions to make that I haven't even dreamed of. And give thanks, every day, for this one wild and precious life.

Family relationships: setting healthy boundaries

2011-05-02T23:25:00.000-07:00

Family connections are still very much on my mind these days, partly because of the situation with my cousin, but also because of a play that I'm going to do later this fall titled 'Night, Mother by Marsha Norman.

The play is about suicide; it is just the two women on stage for the whole time, and it is powerful, dramatic, and thought-provoking. When we did the read-through, several people present, including me, were in tears. And we realized from that experience that suicide touches more lives than we perhaps realize. There are preliminary plans to involve suicide prevention groups and mental health professionals to encourage better awareness and speak to the issues that so often surround suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

Watch for more information and performance dates.

******************

I've also been contemplating family relationships, both extended and nuclear, and how we behave with those we are closest to. Sometimes we are most unkind to those who we supposedly love the most -- perhaps because we feel secure that we will be loved in spite of our actions? Or is it that we put down our mask within our family circle and reveal what is really going on if anyone cares enough to look deeply enough?

I also think there are givers and there are takers in every family, in every group. The givers -- of which I am one and always have been, sometimes not healthily -- will put others' welfare above their own in many cases and sometimes to go extreme lengths to make sure the needs of others are met despite whatever sacrifice it may entail. One of my daughters has done this in the extreme with most of her relationships, and they have cost her dearly in money, material possessions, time, and mental and physical health. She has not yet learned how to draw boundaries. And I was probably not the best role model for her when she was young.

It took me a long time to begin to establish boundaries, and I'm still learning, but it is necessary to become fully who we are. (I continue to daily repeat Mary Oliver's poem "The Journey" about saving the only life I can save -- which is mine.)

This article speaks to boundaries, saying among other goodies: " You can’t set a boundary and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting."

It goes on to say that learning to set them is a process, and that you will do so as you are ready.

It's hard. It's not fun. But it IS liberating to take care of the only person I can really be responsible for -- myself.

There also are takers, who while they may give lip service to the needs of others, really want the attention to be on their needs, their wishes, their lives, and don't really want to listen to your stories. I've had experience with them in my family as well, although I'm finding that with some age and life experiences, some of the takers have achieved some balance in their actions and can give without expecting a return.

What makes us a giver or a taker? This article says it likely begins in childhood and how we are raised, what needs are met or ignored, how we are treated. And this one has some good exercises in how to begin to set them.

What is important now is that we can change. We can learn how to treat both ourselves and others with compassion and kindness. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love as well as an indication of acceptable behavior. It is not closing a door on a relationship, but rather an affirmation that both parties are important.

More on life and death

2011-04-15T14:40:00.000-07:00

Two poems I cannot get out of my head:

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night by Dylan Thomas -- one of my favorite poets and the subject of my senior English thesis in college. "Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

No Man is an Island by John Donne, another favorite from my college courses. "... any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

Too many conversations about death and dying and endings and letting go are running through my brain non-stop: Did I say the right things? Is he going to go through with it? What else should I have done? What can anyone do? What right have we to interfere in another adult's decision -- assuming, of course, that his intent is to harm no one except himself, and thereby harming himself, he harms others, undoubtedly irreparably, inconsolably. A moral conundrum.

Until death at last appears unbidden on our threshold to complete our journey, there is always another chance. There is always a way through the pain, the uncertainty, the despair. It is hard work, to be sure, but there are many helping hands along the way if the person only can ask, can admit that death may not be the best solution at this moment, and allow himself to be vulnerable enough to accept a hand.

We are always stronger working together than we are standing apart. An integral part of every 12-Step group is drawing on the collective strength of the group to keep going on every day, moment to moment, knowing that they are there to fill you back up at yet another meeting, to give you encouragement to keep on, to help you stay on track.

I want so much for my cousin to know this and to find one shred of something that he still wants to do, to find, to be. Just one tiny thing can make all the difference between life and death.

I always analyze my own actions and words after they've been done and spoken, and am a harsh critic: did I do enough? Did I do it well enough? Did I say what I meant, and was it received as it was intended? Could I have said something better, more clearly, more meaningfully? Why didn't I think to say/do this, or that, or something that would have worked better?

Yeah, I know. Gotta let that go.

Deep breath.

Mine is the only life I can save. But may my prayers and my words and my actions reach others who need to hear that someone cares, that there is a way through the dark, that we are not alone in this world.

Of life and death

2011-04-14T22:48:00.000-07:00

"Silence in the face of evil is itself evil...
Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act."
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German pastor and author

Late the other night I saw a Facebook post written by a cousin that was pretty clearly a suicide note, although it was not despondent or angry. It simply said that it was time for him to go, embellished with a few descriptive phrases.

I posted a brief comment saying that it sounded very final, with a question mark, and eventually went to sleep saying prayers for him.

He was on my mind when I got up, and when I logged on to the computer, I searched for the post but it was gone. So I sent him a brief message expressing concern and included my phone number.

I hesitated only a moment before I first contacted him, knowing I would be drawn into a conversation that no one wants to have and probably result in an extended family crisis of sorts, knowing that I don't know him or who he really is, and yet I was unable to accept NOT responding compassionately to such a very public statement. What if my response could make a difference in how he feels? And what happens if no one responds to his post? How sad.

He called yesterday afternoon and we talked for several hours -- more, honestly, than I've spoken with him in decades. Note: While I have many cousins on this side of my family tree, I am not close to any of them either geographically or emotionally. I know a few a bit better than others, and we connect several times during the year usually through e-mail, but only rarely face-to-face or by phone. There is a family connection that I do honor, however.

Today's Daily Om speaks precisely to family and our connections with each other, and it struck me with its spot-on timeliness. It explains the connection I felt when I read the post and why it is important to who I am.

This cousin is not a spring chicken: he is plenty old enough to know what he wants, has done some remarkable things and has, he told me, answered all his spiritual questions. He is tired of living, is facing some very difficult issues, and said that he doesn't have a plan for moving forward, can't see a future for himself. He also told me he had 'pulled the trigger' the night he posted his note, but it "didn't work." He did not elaborate.

Others who live in his area have now become aware and involved. But I do not think, nor do they, following their own conversations with him, that anything we do or say will make a difference. Only he has control of his own destiny -- which, actually, is as it ought to be, since we cannot save any lives but our own.

Ultimately nothing was 'resolved' in our conversation. There are no magic words that will make a difference in how he perceives his situation, nothing I or anyone else can say that will deter him if he is determined to end his life. But I cared enough to reach out to him, and that touched him. I acted out of compassion and from the shared experience of family heritage. I'm glad that I did. I'm sorry it took such an act for us to connect, even if briefly.

It also has made me consider where our moral obligation begins and ends as far as the taking of one's own life is concerned. He asked if I would try to stop him if he had a terminal disease, for instance. While I don't know for sure what I would do for myself should I be in that circumstance, I believe I would want to have the choice, especially when confronted with such debilitating illnesses as Alzheimers or Lou Gehrig's disease, for instance. (May that never be so...)

I believe he has the right to end his life if he chooses. Both I and at least one other reminded him of the devastation his death would bring to his family, reminded him that change is the only constant and that all things do change, and made sure he knew where to find help should he reconsider. He knows the drill; he knows all the talk. He'll do as he chooses. His is not a heat-of-the moment decision.

Were he a teenager or 20-something, I'd have responded differently. But he isn't. He has thought this through and while I don't agree with his assessment of his future, I don't live in it either. And so I honor his right to make that choice for himself, and I told him that I would bear witness to what he told me -- and he encouraged me to use any part of our conversation to help others better understand what he is feeling.

Whatever the outcome, this will stay with me for the rest of my life. It has reinforced for me the knowledge that I am not ready to leave this world, not even if the next offers second chances and new beginnings as my cousin believes it does. This world, this life, has offered me plenty of both, and I am certainly not done with them yet.

"The Summer Day" by Mary Oliver asks in its final line, "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" I want to cherish that wild and precious gift, every single day.

I want to smell the newly mown grass and the heavily-laden, heaven-scented lilac bushes this spring. I want to sit out under the Milky Way and watch the meteor showers this year. I want to taste the still-sun-warm strawberries from the field down the road, and the first ripe tomato from my own garden. I want to read about another gazillion books, and go to the ocean this summer to cool my toes in the Pacific sand and marvel at its constancy. I want to pet more kitties and gaze into their all-knowing eyes and see that they, at least, have figured out the mysteries of the universe. I want to wrap my brother in my arms at least once this year and tell him how glad I am he is my brother and how much I love him. I want to go out to lunch with my daughters and buy them each something pretty and giggle at silly things with them, forgetting for a little while their problems and issues, and just celebrating our connection. I want to go to sleep every night in my husband's arms and wake up every morning to his loving brown eyes looking at my sleepy green ones. I want long conversations with him over good, strong coffee and hot breakfasts, and over fresh lunches, and over nutritious dinners. I want to cry when I see pictures or read stories that touch my heart or remind me of my parents and how much I miss them, even though I talk to them in my heart every day. I want to write long letters to my best friend and read hers that tell me all about her remodeling and gardening efforts, and her recovery from cancer, and I want to say thank you to the Universe, to the Mother and Father God, about a million times a day for every day that I have left on this beautiful earth.

For in spite of bickering and threats on the political front, pig-headed, stubborn zealots of all religions and political parties, in spite of the devastating effects of nature, in spite of an economy that is struggling to revive with valiant stories of renewal and rebirth -- and yes, second chances and new beginnings -- this is a beautiful earth. This is a beautiful life. I have lessons left to learn, and, I think, things still to teach. There will be pain and some suffering involved, I'm pretty sure, since growth doesn't happen without it. But I am not ready to leave it all behind. In fact, I'm ready for more total immersion: I want to make the very most of the days and years I have still to live.

I'm sad that my cousin can't see anything else for himself. But he has unwittingly given me a mirror to examine my own future and to see what I want. And for that, I am grateful beyond words. May my own life be a reflection of what I hope for others to see. And please say a prayer for him, and for those who will be so terribly lost without him.

"The Kennedys" reminds us that all things change

2011-04-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

We watched "The Kennedys" yesterday, a mini-series that originally was supposed to be on the History Channel but ended up on Reelz because it was, I guess, considered too controversial.

The primary characters, especially Greg Kinnear as JFK and Barry Pepper as Bobby, had mannerisms and even the physical attributes of their characters down pat. Katie Holmes as Jackie was maybe a bit too cute. Tom Wilkinson as Joe Kennedy Sr. was magnificent as the king-maker.

It showed some of the unhappier sides of the Kennedys, the closest thing to royalty that the US has had, including drug use and abuse, infidelity, and a great deal of wheeling and dealing.

It was a part of history that we remember quite well, and we were almost shocked to realize that it's been nearly 48 years since JFK was assassinated -- a day that is forever burned into the memory of those who lived through it.

But what it also did was remind us how quickly things change and time passes. Those tragic and frightening memories happened a long, long time ago, and yet we can both remember our feelings and the circumstances of where we were and what we were doing like it happened last week. We remember the 'Camelot' atmosphere, we remember the Civil Rights marches and demonstrations, we remember the Bay of Pigs, and they greatly influenced who we were and how we lived.

It's another wakeup call to treasure this moment, this day, the people with whom we interact and love, because in an instant it's over and part of what was once. It's a reminder that everything changes, and that how we act and what we say can influence another person beyond anything we could imagine at the time. It's a lesson in making each day count, in remembering to tell your friends and family how much you treasure them and love them, and to say thank you, thank you, thank you.

Saving the only life I can

2011-03-20T22:14:00.000-07:00

Like many whose nature it is to take care of others, I have an almost overwhelming need to make things 'all right' when I know a friend or relative is having problems, sometimes to the point of obsession and to the detriment of my own sleep and daily life.

I want to 'fix' it. I want to offer advice and care. I want their issues to be resolved and for them not to be troubled with whatever it is.

I've done this all my life.

Over the years I've learned to (mostly) shut up and only offer advice if I'm asked, although I still sometimes venture an opinion if I think it will be received as it was meant -- to be helpful. I don't leap in anymore (hardly ever) with my superwoman cape bearing food, money, or tangible 'help' that might ease the pain of whatever issue it is for the individual.

I am especially guilty of asking too many questions, mostly of my daughters, although I have curbed that urge significantly in the last year or two -- admittedly probably not to their satisfaction. I try not to offer unsolicited advice very often, at least.

But I have mom-radar that works overtime and picks up little things here and there that sometimes can feed my obsessive mind and fertile imagination. Sometimes I'm wrong and everything is pretty much okay. And I hate it when I'm right and things start crashing down.

I want my children (and friends) to be okay, to have lives that are satisfying and reasonably calm and with enough of everything to keep them healthy, safe, fed, clothed, warm, and housed.

But I also understand with everything in me that is rational that I cannot live their lives and make their choices for them. I must be okay with watching them fail sometimes and without trying to fix anything.

(I'll admit that both Tony and I have, in the past, 'fixed' things, at least somewhat: Made it easier to get to a goal, or offered support when maybe it would have been better to stand back, lovingly. But we've worked on reasonable boundaries for our behavior and for their expectations, and it has succeeded fairly well, although not without some occasional pain and angst on both sides.)

When someone you love makes choices that appear to be dangerous either to their health or well-being, setting boundaries becomes far more difficult, and yet even more essential.

I've invested much time and money and worry in our girls, especially as some issues have proven to be so huge and ongoing, even a matter of survival. It's taken a toll on me that I've realized more clearly in recent months, and I've been working on relinquishing control, whether by giving my opinion or taking charge of getting things done, or checking in (asking questions).

I got smacked upside the head last week, though, when I was reading through the new O Magazine issue. It was one of our recently frequent stormy, windy nights with rain and very strong gusts howling outside, and I was reading in bed, just prior to turning off the light (as I do every night).

The issue is about poetry and the importance it has for so many of us, how it's shaped our actions or given us touchstones to live by. (I've especially loved Robert Frost since I first read him so many decades ago and still can recite several, for instance. )

On this night, though, I was reading Maria Shriver's interview with poet Mary Oliver. Shriver had included her favorite of Oliver's poems, "The Journey," which I read after I'd finished the article.

And it said exactly what I've needed to hear in exactly the words that would resonate so deeply that I couldn't rationalize my behavior and feelings anymore.

I've read it every day since, (puddling up every time) repeating the last words over and over to myself: "...determined to do the only thing you could do--determined to save the only life you could save."

That would be mine.

And that's my new mantra. It's making things easier for me, actually. It's on the order of the old 12-step saying, "I am powerless over people, places and things" -- but somehow it has been especially meaningful for me right now.

There is more of my life behind me than is ahead of me. I will not abdicate that in favor of someone else's life, no matter how much I love them and want to make things better.

I still have hopes and dreams and plans to achieve for myself. And nobody else can do that for me except me. No one WILL do that for me except me. And I must allow those I care about to do the same for their own lives, regardless of what I might think about it. It is not mine to live.

So I'm finally moving ahead with my own life: taking care of me first, doing things I want to do, living more in the moment -- my moment, not someone else's moment.

And I'm keeping my head up, watching for the stars to break through the clouds. Because they will. They are.

Tomato soup warms us up

2011-03-18T15:17:00.000-07:00

Instead of corned beef and cabbage on yesterday's St. Patrick's Day, I made ham salad sandwiches (open-faced and toasted) and homemade tomato soup for dinner. (Tony had planned to go to a program after work but changed his mind at the last minute because others had decided not to go.)

The soup was really good and very easy, and beats the canned stuff all to pieces. So I thought I'd share.

I started with a recipe from Food.com, which I often browse, but then adapted it enough that it really isn't the same recipe.

Tomato Soup

Saute in 1-2T olive oil a medium chopped onion and four cloves of minced garlic until soft. Throw in a couple of bay leaves and a few sprinkles of basil leaves if you like that flavor (we do) -- maybe half a teaspoon.

When veggies are soft but not browned:

Add a 28-oz. can of whole, diced or stewed tomatoes, whatever you have in the pantry.
Pour in a couple of cups of chicken or veggie broth, or -- as I did, not wanting to open a quart of broth for just two cups -- two cups of chicken bouillion (low sodium preferred)

I added two small cans of V-8 to this mix; you may choose to add 1/4 c of tomato paste.

Generously pepper.

Bring to a boil and simmer, covered, for about 15 minutes. At that point I also added about a slice of bread, torn into pieces. (Use whatever you have, or omit if you like. It thickens the soup just a little.) Simmer maybe another 10 minutes until you really can't see the bread. (I suppose you could add the bread when you add the other stuff too.)

Using your handy-dandy immersion blender (which I got for my birthday last fall and while I don't use it often, LOVElovelove it), puree until everything is smooth. In lieu of that, you can puree small batches in your blender, but be careful to hold the lid on so soup doesn't explode over your countertop. Or you can mash it all together with a potato masher (the low-tech version).

It turned out warm and smooth and peppery, warming us up all the way down. I'll choose this soup any day over anything canned, and it's very easy.

I'm guessing you could add some cream at the very last to make it cream of tomato, or put in other veggies or rice or macaroni to stretch it or to use leftovers.

Corned beef and cabbage tonight!

Powerless over others' actions

2011-03-07T09:31:00.000-08:00

A recurring theme in these now years of blog posts has been letting go of issues that are not mine to deal with: acknowledging that we are all powerless over people, places, and things, and then letting them go, putting the responsibility where it belongs -- which is not on ME.

I keep working on doing that. And I keep working on not worrying about the outcome of others' actions, and to not feel (or act on) the great need to step in front of that speeding train to keep them safe.

Some days I am more successful than others.

According to one astrology site, a change is coming this week. Hard as change can be, it needs to happen for me.

Not that I want drastic, awful, horrible death-in-the-family change, please, oh please not. Just a shift towards the positive, towards good growth and constructive actions.

And more letting go of things and situations that I am not responsible for, that I cannot cure, that I cannot control. Trying to manage my own thoughts and actions and life is enough: I am not responsible for the outcome of others' choices.

***************

Spring is springing. Our harbinger tree began leafing out this last weekend (right on time) which means that the other trees will soon bud into green life. We've had daffodils springing up here and there for a couple of weeks now, and many flowering trees (some of which lost lots of blossoms in the cold and wind we've had recently) but the little tree that unfurls its greenness first has always been our true indicator of spring.

While I do enjoy the lovely mild temperatures and the pretty green grasses that make this area so beautiful in the spring, I can't help thinking about the heat that I know will follow all too soon, and I confess that I prefer the woodstove, the rain, and the green grasses -- even the weeds -- to the crispy brown fields and searing 110-degree days that are always a part of our summer.

Our weeds are definitely thriving too -- we have not yet done the spring RoundUp blitz that beats them back from the house and along the driveway, and need to do so. If I can just go out for 10 minutes each day and pull weeds, it'll help: we're now past the stage where they are little sprouts that would hardly be seen once hit by the weed killer, and into full bushy mode, where they'd lay in dead heaps on the ground and REALLY look crappy.

Rhubarb is coming up in the (also weedy) garden but I'm not ready to think about getting into the garden just yet, nor about the plants in the pots close to the house. Later.

****************

I'm not doing well on my intention to write a book so far; some better on taking care of myself. I'm loving my weekly yoga class and can feel strength building in legs and core -- I only wish we had it twice weekly but am grateful for even this. Loving the monthly massages that so slow me down and release the bad kinks.

It takes time to break bad habits too, and I'm working on that -- most especially the one about letting things go. I'm grateful for time and security to do that. It will come, just as those hot days of summer will come. Meanwhile, we take things one day at a time -- doing all we can, where we are, with what we've got.

My Valentine 365

2011-02-16T10:14:00.001-08:00

For Valentine's Day, my beloved husband wrote me a story of the day we met. He'd started it while we were attending the Writers Forum meeting in Redding on Saturday during a little exercise the speaker had the group do, and we shared our efforts over a salad after the meeting.

But he expanded on it later, remembering how the day had started so uneventfully and had ended in a life change for both of us.

It was and is a lovely story -- my very favorite fairy tale that ends with the prince and the princess living happily ever after. I wrote a little about it here back in 2008. It's still all true. It's still all real and even better than it was then. And we're looking at 11 years of marriage in a few months.

We celebrate Valentine's Day 365 days of the year. We tell each other every day, often multiple times, how glad we are for the other, how much we love the other, how grateful we are for each other. I say gratitude prayers at least once a day for what we have together. We make the most of the time we are together and look forward to retirement when we can once again be together most of the time.

And yes, I know how rare that is.

Neither of us seeks to control the other. We don't criticize, we support, and we always have each other's backs. We have our outside interests and friendships -- although with his job and daily commute, his disposable time has become so rare and so limited that his activities have been severely curtailed. But we prefer to do things together when we can.

We came into our relationship with daughters; they are *our* children now. And there have been issues with each of them -- things that have been hard, time-and-money consuming, some ongoing. Never, ever have either of us complained about 'your' child or 'your' problem. They are ours, hard as it's sometimes been to deal with. And we love them.

The only regret I have is that I didn't find him years and years ago, and yet, I don't know that we would have been ready for each other then. It is our individual life experiences that brought us to the time and place where we could meet and appreciate what we found in each other.

That we were destined to meet is clear to both of us and always has been: out of all the places we could have chosen to live when we each separately moved to the SF Bay area seeking new beginnings, we ended up three blocks from each other. When I put up my slightly vague, somewhat literarily-oriented personals Internet ad on my 50th birthday -- I just wanted to meet somebody to have some fun with -- he found it and replied. Out of all those ads, out of all those people online back then, we found each other. Three blocks apart. If that's not destiny, I don't know what is.

Thank you, my dearest honey, for loving me always and forever. I love you to the moon and back.

"All My Sons" in Redding is marvelous material and strong acting

2011-02-15T09:18:00.000-08:00

We went to see the Riverfront Playhouse's production of Arthur Miller's "All My Sons" this weekend. Riverfront is in Redding and where I did 'Steel Magnolias' in 2009.

It was easily the best play we've seen in the North State, including the touring companies that come to Redding. The acting was simply stellar -- there was not a weak link in the cast. The set was creative and detailed, moreso than many we've seen.

But you just can't beat the core material. Arthur Miller wrote this play back in 1947, some 63+ years ago, and it still stands up to scrutiny. It's period-specific in the plot line, but not in the message, which is universal and timeless.

We've seen a lot of plays at Riverfront in the last few years (and are sorry we missed out on so many since we've lived here), and honestly some of them should not have ever seen a spotlight. It's not the acting -- there are some excellent actors in this neck of the woods -- but the material.

As do so many community theaters, this one tries to put butts in seats to keep funds coming in. Not only are there the monthly bills to pay, but the theater is still raising funds for the new theater which has been purchased but needs major renovation before the first curtain is raised. Other groups in the area are helping, but it's always a major task, especially in these hard times, and northern CA has been hard-hit with the loss of construction-related jobs as well as others.

But this play should show the governing board that not only is there an audience for drama, good drama, but classic plays -- good, solid, engaging literature that challenges both the actors and the audiences. The actors in this production are mostly new to the area and are wonderfully talented. If you put it out there, the talent will appear. It did. It will. And I hope we see more like this.

Catching up -- bits of thought for 2011

2011-02-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

While I've composed bits and pieces of blog posts in my head this past month, they haven't made it to actual type and format. I'm sorry...but also if you've missed me, I'm glad. I'll try to do better.

I've really missed Reverb10, which kept me writing nearly daily in December, introspectively examining the past year and figuring out what was impactful. I know there are prompts out there, but it's not the same thing.

I began a post about taking care of myself and my determination this year to do just that, but it didn't get far. That said, I AM doing more for my own good this year: a weekly yoga class that uses muscles I didn't remember I had, walking at least 10 minutes a day, monthly massages that rejuvenate my body and my spirit from a marvelous masseuse who also uses energy work to enhance her magic fingers, and better permission to read during the day if I want -- something I haven't allowed myself to do much of in some time. I guess it's because I think it's unproductive -- and yet I'll read on the computer for several hours, blogs, websites, etc. Go figure.

Anyway, I'm working on all of it, mostly successfully.

I've spent some time petting kitties too, especially since a friend recently lost her dearly loved 11-year-old cat, and his sibling kitty just three months ago too. I was so sad for her loss, knowing full well how devastating the death of a much-loved animal can be -- dare I say even more, sometimes, than the death of a human? I think it's because with animals we just are who we are and they love us anyway, warts and all. Animals sense a troubled spirit and try to soothe it; they give back so much acceptance and energy and patience with us despite our moods and our troubles. They are with us daily, especially if we're at home much of the time. I appreciate our little boys and am always happy to hold them and pet them when they spring into my lap, even when I don't always appreciate a furry tail in front of my computer monitor.

And I've been following the giant storm that's icing its way across the Midwest today -- deadly ice in Missouri and Indiana -- both states in which I've lived -- and other cities too. I still have relatives and friends there and have been concerned for them. So far, they assure me, they're fine.

We have such spring-like weather right now, with highs in the 60s and approaching 70, and sunshine. Last week we had some bad fog in the mornings and evenings, but it's not ice and snow. (Actually we need more winter -- rain and cooler temperatures -- because all this false spring makes fruit trees blossom too early.) But it's hard to remember what it's like to have below zero temperatures and ice over everything and deep snow -- and we both have had our share of that. I am not a fan of the 110 degree summer days, but I'll take that in order to have the relatively mild winters we have here -- little or no snow, good rain, and temperatures that only rarely get below freezing. Fifty miles in three directions, however, will put us right in a snowbank with plenty of cold ~ another thing I do like about living here.

So here we are in February again: a short month, sweet holidays, a bit more winter (I hope), and then March comes with spring, and then July isn't far behind with hot days.

Time goes faster as we get older, I think. The hair looks a bit more gray, the skin a bit more weathered, the flexibility a bit less. And I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how that all happened so quickly? I remember being 16, waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up for a date. I remember being 21 and about to graduate from college and get married, and I remember when my now almost-35-year-0ld daughter was a baby, feeding herself pears and cottage cheese with her hands rather than the spoon, and getting it all over her sweet face.

I wouldn't go back.

But I'd sure like to slow this time down a little bit more, savor the days and the love and the weather and the kitties and the tastes and the kisses a little longer. I'm heading rapidly toward what I used to regard as 'old' -- and I know what eventually comes -- and I'm not ready for that.

So I'll try again, always, to live where I am, in this moment, with this chore or this joy or this taste or this hug, and to really, REALLY be present. That's all I can do.

The courage to change

2011-01-07T12:21:00.000-08:00

"To begin anew, we must say goodbye to who we once were." ~ Anonymous

That's one of the quotes in our new daily reading book, 365 Prescriptions for the Soul by Dr. Bernie Siegel. (We're also reading something from The Daily Book of Photography -- something a little different.)

2011 marks the third year that we've begun the day with a message, usually something spiritual or inspirational in nature, and it's something we've both come to enjoy. Sometimes it's pretty ho-hum, but we usually talk a little about whatever the main theme was while we're eating breakfast together. This started when I was gifted with The Secret Daily Teachings, and it's a part of our morning routine now.

At any rate, the quote above hit a nerve with me. Siegel goes on, "...life is a series of beginnings. The changes, losses, illnesses, and afflictions are not endings, but beginnings. We are changed and have to start a new life each time..."

Some years ago a then-friend commented sarcastically that I am really good at re-inventing myself. It didn't really set well at the time; it has not aged particularly well either, and it's always rankled me a bit in the back of my mind. And yet I can't deny that my life now is not the one she knew me in -- actually it bears very little resemblance on just about every level.

Siegel puts this in a far more positive light for me.

Despite the framed quote that's been on my wall for years -- "O God of second chances and new beginnings, here I am again" -- apparently I have not taken that message seriously with regards to who and what I am internally, although I have embraced life changes fairly readily.

What Siegel is saying, I think, is that it is okay -- and even necessary -- to make those internal changes in your behavior, your perhaps long-cherished beliefs, even your moral code as life progresses, and circumstances and experiences create change in our lives.

When something happens to YOU or to someone you love, your perspective changes too, and sometimes it can be a fundamental shift. Sometimes beliefs you've held all your life are challenged and you see things from a different perspective. (What parent of a teenager has not eaten their youthful declaration of 'when I am a parent, I'll never....'?)

It is not only okay to accept changes, it is necessary in order to continue along this life journey and to learn and grow. ( Learning and growth do not stop once you attain a 'mature' age, I've learned, unless you choose to ignore and disregard everything and everyone around you except your own miserable self.)

So the person I am in January 2011 is not the person I was in January 2010, nor who I will be this time next year.

In fact, says Siegel, "Have the courage to begin the new life that each day brings you. No matter what changes or losses you have experienced, step back and see where you need to begin."

I am grateful for ALL these second chances, for ALL these new beginnings, even the hardest ones. And I'm glad I can re-invent who I am, day by day, as I need to change.

Sliding quietly into 2011

2011-01-04T15:47:00.000-08:00

We have come quietly into this new year, resting a lot, reading, watching movies both in theater and on television, eating soup and scalloped potatoes and ham and good egg-and-hash-or-bacon breakfasts and the last loaf of Jule Kage, and clementines to give us a pop of citrus.

T went back to work today; I did too with routine chores and other responsibilities. It's business as usual after a long weekend of rejuvenation.

We have fairy rings all over the property since the big rains: mushrooms are ringing trees and popping up in the low places. And it's been chilly -- we had snow mixed in the with New Year's Eve rain, and the new year's morning saw snow on the car and roof, although nothing much on the ground. The woodstove has kept us warm though, and the kitties lounge on their tuffets in front of it and sleep away the days.

January has never been my favorite month: it's a letdown after the bright holidays, and a month of cold winter. And yet the 15th marks eight years since we moved into our house and left the Bay Area, and there are always a few days that give us a taste of the February spring that waits so patiently. And I'm not eager for winter to pass, truth be told: I greatly prefer the cold and rain to the desperate sun-scorching days of high summer.

But this is my year of renewal, and I have tasks to do to prepare the way. I'll take it accident-free, thank you, in either sun or rain, heat or cold.

Reverb 10 -- Writing my stories

2010-12-31T20:05:00.000-08:00

Core story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?

My core story is about strength, loyalty, fierce independence, recovery, resilience, and creativity. It is who I am, all I've been through (some of it not pretty). It is what I am learning, what I have learned, because of what I've lived and what I've done. It is foolhardy youth and experienced crone. It is still developing, every day.

I share through this blog. I tell my stories and what I have learned in living them. I tell what I see.

And this year I will write a book. Over the past month of Reverb, I have realized how important it is to me to do so, although it's been a vague "someday" thing for some years. But I'm ready to do the work it will take, ready to figure out the form, the story, and to begin to put in the time and the word count.

I don't know if it will be 'good enough' to publish, I don't know if anyone will read it or even want to, but I will write it down. Because I need to do so.

Reverb 10: Gifting

2010-12-30T16:06:00.000-08:00

For Dec. 30 -- Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

Every day of my life I receive the gift of deep love from my husband. Every day he tells me he loves me dearly. (Every day I tell him I love him dearly.) He shows me in so many different ways, from being my 'kitchen elf' in the mornings and putting away clean dishes from the dishwasher before I get up to telling me to warm up my freezing cold feet or hands on his warm ones at night in bed. When I had my accident in January he was right there for me during that whole horrible week before surgery, taking time off work, getting prescriptions, heating soup and making mint tea for me. He was there all day for the surgery and wheeled me to the car after they released me to go home. He took care of me in every way.

He rubs my feet when I plop them in his lap. He always asks what I want to watch on television, or what I want to see at the movies. (Of course I do the same back to him, which sometimes means a stalemate while we both try to make sure the other is happy with whatever choice there is to make! And yes, we know we can be somewhat co-dependent...) At least daily he tells me he loves my eyes or my hair, or tells me I am pretty, and smiles so lovingly at me.

I have received many thoughtful gifts from him this year as in years past, and he chooses wonderful, meaningful cards for special occasions, cards that sometimes make tears come to my eyes because of their sincere sweetness.

Before I met him, back when I was contemplating a move to California and turning my life upside down because I never wanted to 'wonder what would have happened if...', I knew that I wanted to be cherished, to be adored, if I was ever to love and be loved again. I knew I would never, ever, 'settle' for a relationship.

His love is a gift to me over these past 13 years that trumps all others. It is all that I dreamt it would be; all that I yearned for; all that I asked the Universe for and more.

No matter what else is going on in our lives, this love makes everything else manageable. When I am with him, I am home, no matter where our bodies actually are. It simply does not get better than this.

Thank you, honey.

Reverb 10: what defined this year

2010-12-30T16:04:00.000-08:00

For Dec. 29 -- Defining moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

Oh, hands down (pun intended) it was Jan. 4 when I fell sideways onto the pavement at the Redding Convention Center parking lot and when I sat up, my wrist was in an 'S' curve. It was not just a little break either -- but one that required surgery, a plate, and seven screws to fix. And some six months to recover from.

It changed everything for me this year.

I 'retired' -- at least I began to draw Social Security, although I'm busy doing many things. I stopped freelancing because I couldn't type and couldn't take interview notes, and my head wasn't in a good place to be able to do that anyway.

I was dependent on others to help me drive, wash, cook, even dress myself, and I learned to use my left hand, sortakinda, to eat, to operate my trackball, to sign my name, to dry my hair, to apply makeup. I hated it. I felt awkward and old and wobbly and mortal.

All of the other stresses were still there, too -- providing support for R on her bad days, finding an attorney to help with her disability claim, taking care of the house and kitties and so on. I did most of it pretty well after the first month or so, and while the physical injury healed and I was done with physical therapy by mid-April, it left me with a fear of falling, a wariness that has yet to leave me, and an awareness of how very fragile we really are; how quickly life can change in a moment.

It left me tired. Weary. Not energized. Afraid of something else happening.

That, and dealing with R's ongoing illness -- appointments, phone calls, ER visits, doctor visits, etc. -- were the overwhelming thoughts and feelings I lived with this year. There were some good times, some nice moments. But mostly it was one day at a time, one month at a time, just getting through as best I could.

I do not want 2011 to be a re-run in any way. Things are looking better and I'm feeling more optimism than I have all year. I'm glad to see the end of 2010.

Reverb 10 -- Achieving health

2010-12-29T20:43:00.000-08:00

For Dec. 28 -- Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

Healthier. More balanced, both mentally and physically. Fewer pounds that I'm carrying around on my amazonian frame. Meeting those goals will take care of the niggling health concerns I have right now -- nothing big but with potential to turn into big if I don't take steps to minimize their effects.

I will feel more free, more relaxed, more in tune, without stiffness and discomfort when I move. I will like better the way I look in my clothes (and without them, for that matter)... I will not walk like an elderly person!

And I think that with that goal, my other hopes for 2011 will be more readily attained -- like writing my book. If I am in better shape physically, I will have more energy to put towards things I want to be doing.

To get there:
+At least 10 minutes a day on the treadmill
+Seek out a yoga class; maybe try Zumba: once a week minimum
+Stop thinking 'I can't' and start thinking 'I must': this is no longer optional behavior
+Cut out the candy. Not the one piece a day dark chocolate; the other stuff that makes its way into your cart at the store and that you nibble on the way home.
+Serve smaller portions than I think you want. Take home half of my restaurant meal.
+Drink water -- two glasses before each meal.
+For snackiness: some nuts, or celery or carrots or jicama with a little FF yogurt and dill dip
+Eat the ice cream at Tremont: once a month, not once a week
+Stretch for five minutes daily
+Read something I love besides when I'm ready for bed: a book, a magazine for 20-30 minutes. Yes, I CAN take the time to treat myself to this activity that I so enjoy.

Reverb 10 -- Touching my soul with joy

2010-12-29T14:55:00.000-08:00

For Dec. 26 -- Soul food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

I honestly can't think of one thing I ate that was that marvelous.

But what I do remember is eating chocolate peanut butter chunk ice cream from a glass dish and watching people go by downtown, with my honey sitting across from me eating his dish, and just grinning at each other like it was our first date. More of those moments, please...

The first bite of wild rice and the first bite of Jule Kage on Christmas morning bring back memories of my mother and dad, of family celebrations and get-togethers, with this special occasion meal. It stems from Dahl family roots in Minnesota when we each got a huge plate of wild rice and bacon on Christmas mornings. When my mother was teaching school in rural Wisconsin and Minnesota, she would actually go out in the boat and help gather it. When I fix it at Christmas, I know that my cousins are also fixing theirs, and for a little moment, I'm united with them in spirit.

******************

For Dec. 27 - Ordinary joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

Every night when I crawl into our lovely bed, I look to my left to see two big brown eyes looking back at me over a very sweet smile. I've been loving those same big brown eyes for more than 13 years now, and it never fails to just melt my heart when I am settled in for the night. Our bed is the most wonderful place in the world to me, with kitties nestling close and my honey settled in next to me. It is the one moment of absolute contentment and joy that I can count on every day.

Reverb 10 -- A picture

2010-12-27T18:07:00.000-08:00

For Dec. 25 -- Photo - a present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

This is me with four of the people I love best in the world: missing is my wonderful husband, and my sister-in-law Liz is taking the photo.

I had just finished lunch in Redding ( October) with my daughter Vanessa, my brother Jimmy, my daughter Rachel, and our grandson Gabriel. Jimmy and Liz were visiting from Nashville, Tenn., before heading to the Bay Area for business. We hadn't been all together as a family for years and they'd not met Gabe.

This is a role I relish: mother, nonna, sister -- family matriarch, actually. It was so good to see my brother, who had just turned 60, and to see how much he resembles our father as he ages. It made tears come to my eyes a time or two.

My daughters continue on their separate journeys, and it is good to see how they support each other. In this moment, we were content to just be with each other.

Reverb 10 -- A name by any other....and Gratitude

2010-12-27T09:21:00.000-08:00

For Dec. 23 -- New name. Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

I've been Beth for more than 63 years now.

As a child, I did not like my name because it calls to mind the delicate, generous, charming Beth of Little Women, and I am far more like Jo than like Beth, not to mention that whole dying thing.

I'm not an Elizabeth either, so no chance to change it to something different. I'm straight Beth.

I tossed around the idea of Tallulah, the name of a tall, eccentric actress (Tallulah Bankhead) whom I admired once upon a time. I thought about another favorite name, Hannah. Rejected them, and a bunch of others.

They are not me. I have imbued this name with my own flair, my own style, my wit, my outspokeness, my loving heart, my loyalty, my honesty, me

My parents called me Beth; my brother and sister-in-law call me Beth. My friends and my beloved husband call me Beth. My cousins and aunts and uncles know me as Beth, or perhaps BethKay. I know them; I love them. They know me by this name, and I hope they have a good feeling when they think of Beth.

Shakespeare wrote: "What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

So I'll stick with Beth. I don't want to be anyone else.

****************

For Dec. 24 -- Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

You know what? Sometimes everything is NOT all right. Sometimes there is no 'best moment' that you can point to in a year and say it all will be okay. Sometimes bad things just happen, without warning, and not because of anything you did or didn't do.

I wrote here about hard times, and said, "It's not the good times that make us strong, it's the tough ones and how we handle stress, pressure, uncertainty, fear. The good times may give us the knowledge that this, too, shall pass, however, and that there are still good things to come. But it's in the fire that we are shaped and tempered and glazed."

This has been a year of fear and uncertainty and stress, of angst and drama, of days upon days of just walking through all of that. There have been good times too -- being with friends, enjoying family visits, laughing at plays and movies and stories, being by the ocean and with my wonderful husband. Those moments have been cherished, each as they came, and recognized as good, as peaceful and with contentment.

But this year I do not remember one single defining moment when I 'knew' everything would be okay. What I did learn was to walk through each day with some measure of serenity, on most days (not all), grateful that I was alive and okay and that those I love and cherish are alive and trying hard to make it work.

What I did learn is to be grateful every day, to say out loud those gratitudes even when situations are not ideal and emotions are tumbling over and around me. In enumerating my blessings, I can find a moment of 'all right' every day, and that has been enough for this year.

For 2011, I hope to find more 'best moments' -- but I will always count my blessings, every single day.

Reverb 10 -- Down the road

2010-12-23T09:24:00.001-08:00

For Dec. 22 -- Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

Most of my traveling was by car, and a lot of it was going to doctors' appointments or physical therapy or shopping. I wouldn't exactly call that traveling, and yet when you are five miles out of t0wn, you travel if you want to go anywhere.

We went by car for a week by the ocean; a journey over the mountains and through tall redwood forests and by the rocky beaches of the Pacific.

I flew to Indianapolis for a week in autumn to be with my best friend and to visit places and people I'd known there some 20+ years ago. There, we traveled by car to see an old friend who was dying of cancer: she left this earth not long ago, just tired out.

For 2011, I hope to go back to the ocean again, to renew and to let go. Perhaps next fall will find us traveling further afield, although I think longer trips will wait until 2012.

These days I far prefer car travel: it is more interesting, it is easier. Airline travel means long lines at security gates, limitations on what and how much you can bring with you, hours of being crammed into narrow seats with too many people nearby. The airports do make for interesting people-watching, but so does car travel.

I'm always delighted to get home after any travel. This is a peaceful place, one infused with love and calm, and I appreciate it.

Reverb 10: Move it, move it, move it

2010-12-22T10:01:00.000-08:00

For Dec. 20 -- Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

Recurring themes, here: writing and exercise.

I want to write a book. I have known this for years now. I do not know what form it needs to take: fiction? Memoir? Essay?

I have many vague ideas for stories but have not taken time to sketch them out. I hear my critic saying, "It's all been done, Beth. Yours is nothing special. It's not anything anyone is going to want to read. It's been written already by all those writers you enjoy reading. Your stories aren't new and they're not that interesting. Hackneyed. Trite."

So I haven't started.

And last night I was reading in O Magazine (January issue) about exercise and why this coming year is the year that I must do this -- for my health. If I want to live longer and healthier, exercise is no longer an option. I am getting older; I would like to continue to get older. Ergo, I must exercise.

Find a yoga class and do at least 10 minutes a day on the treadmill. I WILL do that.

*************************

For Dec. 21 -- Future self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?

In five years I will be 68.

I do not want to be using a cane because my balance is so unsteady, or on insulin for diabetes (if there is a way I can prevent that, and I think there is). I do not want to be taking a boatload of medicine for ailments which I can help to prevent.

I already eat healthily for the most part, with occasional indulgences like ice cream or other sweets. But my overall diet is good.

But I fail miserably at the 'move it' portion that will help to keep me healthy.

"MOVE it, Beth. You WILL lose it if you don't.

If you just do that ONE thing in 2011, other things will fall into place for you."

Love,
Me

Reverb 10 -- There is no try. And healing is in process.

2010-12-19T23:17:00.000-08:00

For Dec. 18 -- Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?

Well, it won't be skydiving or bungee jumping, I can assure you of that. Heights are not my thing. Neither is reckless adventuring. And yes, I know it can be perfectly safe if done correctly.

I'd like to try to do the same things I've not succeeded in doing in 2010 -- exercise some daily, or at least more days a week than not -- treadmill or yoga. Lose 20 pounds. Finish organizing the office and clean out the closets and drawers. Get rid of the stuff in the attic that is just there because I didn't do anything else with it.

Start the book. Figure out what it should be and just write.

2010 was not my year for trying things. It was a year for patience, for perseverance, for resolution, at least in some areas.

It would be good to expand that in 2011 to include try.

However, Yoda says, "Do or do not...there is no try."

Maybe that's a better way to approach this new year.

**************
For Dec. 19 -- Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

I was physically healed (my wrist) through patience, through persistance, through just putting one foot in front of the other and showing up. It was definitely drip-by-drip, and it took a good six months.

I don't know that my psyche was healed. It was definitely skewed by that accident and the subsequent change it brought to my life, among other events. I think I've been in a slow healing ever since, actually, and as I approach this new year, I know more about me and where I am in this life journey than I did last year at this time. It's definitely been a year of change and transition.

There are scars I bear from wounds not fresh but which still need some healing from the inside out. There are disappointments and sadnesses that need further soothing, continued healing. I make progress; I am not done with them. But I am learning to release.

Reverb 10 -- Friends and learning lessons

2010-12-17T18:53:00.000-08:00

For Dec. 16 -- Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

I spent a lot of time thinking about friendship this year, and also have been blessed to spend time with many friends.

One dear woman who I've known since 1982, through our divorces, through our children's trials and growing pains, through grandchildren, through cancer and surgeries, lives some 2000 miles away; yet when we do see each other every three or so years, it's always like we were never apart.

Despite fighting two different cancers over the last two years, her outlook is positive, grateful, and very down-to-earth. She inspires me to see the glass as half-full, and to just move through whatever comes along.

My husband is also my best friend, and there is nothing I cannot talk to him about. I am so grateful for that bond and the love which wraps us up daily. There is nowhere I'd rather be than with him, no matter where that takes us. He helps me to be grounded in what is real and now, and calms me if I get 'wrapped around the axle' about something. I adore him...

I've learned -- again -- that there are seasons for friendships, and that sometimes you 'outgrow' people who were important in your life at one time. Or they outgrow you. It is hard for me to let go of a friendship, even one that has clearly cooled. This year I've spent far too much time trying to accept that, questioning myself (as I tend to do) for a possible cause. The simple fact is that sometimes people move onto other things -- I've done it too -- and it isn't anyone's fault but simply is time to bless it and let the relationship drift.

For Dec. 17 -- Lesson learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

I believe that I have finally learned patience and that all things will change, given time. That lesson has been given to me over and over and over for years. But this year brought healing the broken bones in my wrist, listening to what my gut is telling me to do, accepting changing friendships, and moving through a long and tedious process to help Princess #1 with her illness and disability claim. I did it without having a nervous breakdown, going on medication, crying every day, or wishing my life away by saying ...'when this happens, then I will be happy-glad-okay-.' That is progress. I hope I can keep that outlook.

Reverb 10 - 2010 encapsulated

2010-12-15T22:14:00.000-08:00

5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

Broken wrist led to re-evaluation of what I want and don't want to do, how I want to live, realization of how quickly life can change, and what a strong mind-body connection there is in us, especially as we age ...
I love the ocean. I love the ocean especially when I'm there with my honey. I need the ocean.
Princess #1 finally has received aid to help with expenses; her illness continues to color our lives...
Some friendships eroded for unknown reasons; new friendships sprang to life or were rejuvenated; long-time friendships were celebrated and honored. Grateful, so grateful, for friends who are loyal, who are honest, who are THERE through good times and bad, who truly care.
There was plenty of anxiety, doubt, uncertainty, fear, and frustration; lessons of patience and one day at a time; but also extreme gratitude for each other, for what we have in our home and our community. Grateful, grateful, grateful that we are together.

This was not one of our better years. It was not mind-numbingly bad; it just crept along with unremarkable days and months. This is not how we want to continue to live.

Reverb 10 -- Appreciation

2010-12-14T20:27:00.000-08:00

Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

I appreciate that my body gets me where I need to go, keeps me upright and allows me to do gardening, cleaning, shopping, cooking, reading, thinking, watching, listening, talking, etc., without struggle.

It could be in better shape, I'll grant you.

But it works pretty well. I am grateful every day to have legs that get me up and moving, that I can type easily and without pain, that I can think and speak with ease, that I can move what needs moving or carry what needs carrying or pet what needs petting.

And I need to take care of it -- what I put into it, where I go with it, what demands I am making of it. It will not last forever. I must treasure what I have now.

That can be said of so much in my life -- treasure what I have now. Life is short. It can change completely in an instant. Take nothing for granted; be aware, be awake, be grateful.

Reverb 10 - Action!

2010-12-13T18:35:00.000-08:00

For Dec. 13 -- Action. When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step?

THE BOOK. It's time to put up or squelch the inner voice that says 'write, write, write that book.'

Doing Reverb 10 daily is a good practice. Writing every day is a good practice, whether here or elsewhere more privately.

My next step is to figure out what this book needs to be about: memoir, fiction, essay. And then begin a rough outline of what I think it should say.

January.

Reverb 10 -- Body and soul

2010-12-13T15:19:00.001-08:00

For Dec. 12 -- Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

It wasn't a particularly good experience, actually, but what I remember the best about this year, about my body and my mind, was the moment I woke from surgery on my wrist, swimming up from the anesthetically-induced fog into the recovery room.

My first thought was 'I'm alive -- thank you God. I made it through.' I felt alive, I felt 'right' again, I was so, so grateful to just be there.

I had gone into surgery with great trepidation, mostly because a couple of the doctors who were in the pre-op process were questioning some of my test results, iterating out loud that 'well, it could mean this' and 'it's a possibility' and bringing me back to a bad experience that happened in 2002 when I was misdiagnosed in the emergency room. I was scared and my heart rate and blood pressure reflected that.

So when I knew I was alive, that everything was all right, that my wrist was fixed, and that I just needed to breathe deeply and then I could go home, I was so filled with gratitude for that instant that nothing else mattered or registered.

Awareness set in shortly about the cumbersome bandage, my dry mouth and swimmy head, and when Tony appeared in the post-surgery area to take me home, I burst into huge sobs of relief at seeing him and at being okay, surviving.

The worst week of that whole injury was already over when I came out of the surgery -- it was between the accident and the surgery itself, and filled with pain meds and their icky side effects, and I was very aware then of the connection between body and mind but was dealing primarily with the body's unhappiness that week.

Reverb 10 - Things to get rid of in 2011

2010-12-12T22:22:00.001-08:00

For Dec. 11 -- Things. What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

So I'm a little late getting this up. Party, chores, thinking thinking thinking....

1. There is too much clutter in drawers, desks, closets. This morning I noted at least three bottles of nearly-empty hand and body lotion near my sink. At the least I need to consolidate things. And I need to bite back the urge to save bits of old makeup, old hair product, clothing I no longer like or that has just a tiny hole but is perfectly useable, jeans that I never really liked the fit of, and paper. Paper. PAPER. Receipts. Old magazines that maybe I'll go through and cut out recipes. Cards and letters (some, anyway) that I've saved in a drawer. Product manuals to things long since discarded. Padded used envelopes that I could reuse (but seldom do).

Who knew I was such a hoarder? (I'm not, really, but I do find it hard to get rid of these bits of paper and clothing...I might use them someday! Not.)

2. Shoulda-coulda-woulda. I do not need to be second-guessing my choices and questioning my decisions. I take a lot of time and do a lot of research in making purchases or decisions. That needs to be my final answer.

3. Bad-for-me food. I've been pretty good about not buying foods high in carbs or sugars for some time, and you'll find lots of veggies and fruits and fat-free yogurt and milk in my fridge, and no-or-low sugar things in my pantry. I need to scold the gummy bears that jump into my grocery cart, though, and send them packing; ditto anything that isn't plain dark chocolate.

4. Critical, whiny or mean people. No more, no how. I simply do not choose to populate my life with these people any more, even to be polite.

5. Inactivity. I need to be intentional about getting some exercise every day, even if it's just getting down on the floor and doing some stretches. I am walking like a far more elderly person than I am.

6. Excuses. Step up to the plate. If I don't want to do something, I must say I don't want to do it -- without making excuses. If I haven't done something I agreed to do, then I must examine my reasons why I haven't -- and change something.

7. Denial. I suppose #6 is similar but it's not identical. Denial is just sticking your head in the sand and refusing to acknowledge something that is plain as daylight. I can't deny any longer that I need to lose about 20 lbs in order to make my health better, for instance. It's either that or accept the consequences -- and I don't like them.

8. Accidents and illnesses, insofar as they are preventable. After my January accident, I've been very careful to watch where I'm walking and not to put myself in situations or places where I'm unsteady (exercise will help that, I know). We take a bunch of supplements to help keep us well and healthy, and I wash-wash-wash my hands if I'm in a crowd. I go to the doctors and stay current on tests. I take appropriate meds and take care of my body.

9. Grief. No deaths this year, please. No life-shattering situations that involve mourning and depression. That goes for all of us.

10. Isolation. Some of that is indicative of my introverted nature -- yes, I am an introvert by nature but sometimes need to be an extrovert in activities. But I also tend to close ranks and stay to myself if things are stressful or upsetting instead of asking a friend for help or to talk. That is not particularly healthy because there is no other input except my own imagination and rationale -- and that can be overactive and irrational.

11. Self-deprecation. I would like to see myself more as others see me -- as an attractive, talented, wise woman -- rather than the not-quite-good-pretty-smart-personable-energetic-enough person I usually see in my mirror. I feel quite ordinary and adequate in most things. I'd like to feel extraordinary more often.

If I re-read -- even post on my bulletin board -- this list somewhere where I can see it every day, that will help manifest it. It takes reminding of what I don't like to change to something I can like, that is better for me in this life. I will be happier with myself and my home, happier with my health and my body, if I can remember this.

Reverb 10 -- Wise actions

2010-12-10T14:24:00.000-08:00

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

When I broke my wrist and needed surgery, it was immediately obvious to me that I could not continue to freelance -- I couldn't take notes (right hand) and typing/mousing, while not impossible, was difficult and tedious. My head was fuzzy from meds -- and I'll confess that my heart had not been in it for some time and I'd struggled with writing the stories, as I've mentioned here previously.

I had to do something immediately, too, with deadlines fast approaching. And practically the morning after my fall, I woke knowing who I wanted to recommend as my replacement.

I had a friend who I knew was a better writer than she realized, who knew lots of people in the county, and who needed a boost. So I talked to her, talked to my editors, and a new freelancer was born. And it has proven to be a wonderful choice all the way around: both of us are happy with it. I am so grateful!

The second wisest decision I made this year was to get an attorney to help with Princess #1's disability case instead of again trying to pursue this on our own, after two denials. And it worked: she was approved just recently. Both Princess #1 and I have commented on how much better we both feel with that burden lifted, even though we still have work to do to get it fully implemented. Again, I am sooooo grateful for help, admitting that there are some things that I MUST ask for help in doing, reluctant as I usually am to do so.

I hope the lesson I've learned is just that: to ask for help rather than to try to slog through the mire by myself. People are generous, I've learned, and are willing to help carry a load, or at least show me the way through the swamp, if I only ask.

Reverb 10 -- Party hearty? Not much...

2010-12-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

The idea of a social gathering rocking my socks off is cause for some amusement. Although I did a good bit of hearty-partying when I was , oh, some 30 or more years younger, I've not seen that kind of action recently -- either as observer or participant, actually. I'm not fond of watching people get plastered, and it's been years since I woke up with any kind of hangover or that awful feeling of 'what did I do last night?'

No, the parties I attended this year were mostly transition parties: a retirement party, a couple of parties marking big 'decade' birthdays, a high school graduation. While I knew the honorees, of course, there were many others I did not know, but who I enjoyed talking to. Sat with some good friends at a couple of them and that's always enjoyable.

Food was generally yummy -- tri tip, barbecue, lots of sides and salads and cakes (what's there not to like about cake?), although I don't remember anything specific, really. And no shenanigans that I knew about.

A smaller one was a reunion of the cast of 2009's Steel Magnolias, still with great food, but I do love those women. They are strong, talented, outspoken, honest and open, and we had a great time laughing and talking. I'd do any play with any one of them in a heartbeat.

And every month at Bunco is a party with another group of fun women playing a stupid game and getting such a kick out of it -- I mean, who knew counting out loud could be so stress-relieving and such a fun time?

But I think that just a simple lunch out with a friend can be a party all by itself: I don't think you need invitations or fancy food or music or activities to count it as a party. My party time is when I'm with people who are interesting and witty, people who help me learn something about myself or show me more about who they are. I treasure each lunch, each event that I choose to attend as much as the 'big' parties, if not more, because the real party is within each of us and in how we learn more about each other.

More than just a writing prompt....

2010-12-08T11:57:00.001-08:00

I'm finding Reverb 10 to be far more than merely a one-word writing prompt to help me write something daily.

What it has done is to help me truly look back at this past year and assess what happened to me, what effect it has had on me and mine, and to try to figure out where I want things to change so that I don't find myself at this time next year wondering where all that time went and to what end.

It's created some insightful and interesting conversations between me and my honey. It's enabling me to better know a girlfriend and to meet another through our daily exchanges.

And it's created another online community. And a spiritual practice.

Read this post for more about what it is, and this one for a wonderfully creative take on how it is impacting people.

See. We CAN change the world with just a small act.

Reverb 10 -- Community and being different

2010-12-08T10:06:00.000-08:00

Two in one today -- yesterday's prompt:

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

Facebook has been a developing source of community for me this year, but what it's done is to deepen friendships with people I met elsewhere (not online) because we comment back and forth nearly daily, or 'like' each other's comments, and then when we do see each other, we know more and feel more comfortable with each other. That online presence is growing into more regular face-to-face friendship.

I've also reconnected at least some with family members who I've not laid eyes on in decades, and a few long-ago friends from school or past jobs, and it's been fun to get a glimpse of where they are now. I'd hestitate to say that I 'know' them anymore; yet, through their comments, photos, even the games they choose to play, I can get the flavor, if not the substance.

For the coming year, I'd like to join/deepen a spiritual community, but not necessarily one based in a physical church/building. I am drawn to those who find spiritual nourishment in the earth, the moon, the heavens, and in support of each other.

************
And today's:

Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

Man, this is hard for me. I see myself as different, but not often as beautiful. And yet my husband and some of my friends are so affirming of me and of who I am, and it helps me to see myself a little more through their eyes.

I do not play headgames or corporate political games very well at all, never have, and that has earned me the 'difficult to work with' label on occasion. I pretty much either say what I think or I shut up completely. I work to control my body language and my rubber face, because it's easy to see what I think or feel about something and I don't always want to advertise that.

As I age, I see that as a positive thing. I no longer need to be around people I don't like and don't trust just because it's the 'nice' thing to do, and I don't work with any of 'em anymore either. So I avoid being in situations where I encounter such folk.

I don't tolerate lying and meanness and bullsh*t well. At. All. Lying to me destroys trust quicker than anything else.

I work at being kind and compassionate, at being a loyal and true friend (I value loyalty very highly), at speaking my truth through my words both written and spoken, but not abrasively, at least deliberately. I try to listen with both my ears and my heart.

I have lots of experience with patience, with waiting, and although I chafe internally against it, I know that all things change eventually -- nothing lasts. I think I project calm assurance, generally, and people respond to that. It's sort of the 'fake it 'til you make it' attitude sometimes, but it usually works.

I sometimes have insights and intuitions about situations and ideas that are so clear and logical to me but which often strike others as innovative and creative. I'm told that I'm wise -- which I love -- but don't necessarily see it as wisdom, but rather opinion born from practicality and life experience. Perhaps that IS wisdom?

I have a wicked sense of humor and will find that nugget even in fairly grim-looking situations, sometimes to the exasperation of my daughters who have claimed I make a joke out of everything. I think that's better than falling to the ground sobbing in despair, however. I try to see the positive spin to every situation and to nearly every person (although there are a couple who I believe are just plain EVIL and beyond redemption at least in this life).

Although in the past I longed to be NOT tall with great hair that would curl gently around my shoulders, a body that was curvy but not plush, and a voice that didn't carry everywhere, I gave that up years ago. I like my eyes, my hair, my expressive face, my voice. I can see parades and performers over crowds of people, and in a hat and cape, I can wow a room.

I can soothe a crying baby or a troubled adult with my arms and my voice and my words. I can tell a story or play a part that keeps the audience hanging on my every word. I can reach most ears in a crowded room without benefit of a microphone. And I project confidence and calm. Mostly I like who I am; most importantly I've made peace with who I am.

Making it -- Reverb #10

2010-12-06T18:19:00.000-08:00

Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Well, today I've made dinner (bbq ribs, yum). I still need to make the bed with fresh sheets. Tonight I will also make the piles of clean laundry go where they belong. I've been making the house look a little more seasonal and also making some of the dust disappear. (This year, however, I won't be making many cookies or candies: everyone I know is on a diet and we sure don't need the temptation.)

I'm constantly making things, making friends, making something happen through my actions.

I get tired of making all these things, frankly.

I want to make some jewelry out of the piles of old stuff I have sitting on my beautiful jewelry bench. But until I get stuff sorted through in the office, I don't feel that I can: the clutter stares at me reproachfully until I do something, anything, to make it go where it belongs (which, increasingly, is in the trash).

There are some 84 meanings of the word make as verb, noun, phrase and idiom. I suspect we all make use of the word multiple times a day, if not many times in an hour.

Now I am going to make haste and finish tidying up the countertop and make a salad to go with the ribs. And tomorrow I'll make a new post with a new word!

Reverb 10 -- letting go of a career path

2010-12-05T19:29:00.000-08:00

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I'm not a freelance writer anymore. My wrist accident in January pretty much ended that part of my career, at least temporarily because I couldn't take notes or type with any accuracy for about seven weeks, but I'd been feeling some angst about it before then anyway.

I've loved hearing people's stories and learning about new places and things and events all around Tehama County, but putting them into a story with a limited word count has frustrated me for some time. I worry about doing the stories justice, about being faithful to the words and the emotions behind them, about telling the stories accurately but compassionately. And for the most part I think I managed that pretty well, but it was usually like opening a vein for me and dripping the words onto the keyboard.

So I let go of that part of my life, and not unhappily, especially since I was able to start a friend on a freelance path, and I left still being friends with my editors. Could I do it again? Definitely. Do I want to? No. I have other things I need to be doing, at least right now.

That doesn't mean I don't write, obviously. I'm just telling my stories, with however many words it takes. And I know there is a book coming, although I don't know yet what form it will take: fiction, memoir, essay?

Actually, I let go of my working life completely in 2010, since I filed for Social Security in January. No more job hunting, interviews, kowtowing to corporate rules, dealing with office politics. No more trying to fit this round peg into that square hole -- something I've done for most of my working life. I've always been too outspoken and too ethical to thrive in a corporate setting, although I tried (and I did a good job for them too). I did better in nonprofits which better suited my ethics and desire to make a difference in people's lives, but salaries were always pitifully low, alas.

So I'm now a former teacher, former public relations director, former communications director, former marcom writer/manager, former content manager, former Realtor, former freelance writer. There won't be another job like those. Ever.

But I don't feel retired either. That'll come, maybe, when Tony retires. And I am not unhappy to let these jobs go, end my 'working for pay' careers. If I ever make money on something again, it will be doing what I want to do. That's a good way to end that part of my life.

Living in Wonder - Reverb 10

2010-12-04T11:33:00.000-08:00

Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

I didn't cultivate wonder this year, alas. So much of my year was spent in just living one day at a time, getting through the muck and the worry and the fears and the gotta-dos. It was not a year of depression and angst, mind you (and I've had those), but it was one of just getting through and making do.

But there were wonderous moments nonetheless.

As I have for many years, I did plant a garden again this year. It was not the biggest nor most prolific I've done, but I never fail to marvel at how those tiny, shriveled-up seeds result in little green shoots poking above my rocky soil, and then how they grow into bushy, big-leaved zucchini plants that offer slender green fruits, or into leafy vines that wander where they will and give me long, pale ribbed cucumbers, or bright orange marigolds that not only protect the veggies but survive the early frosts and keep their perky bright heads nodding in the wind and despite the baking sun in our hot summers.

I give them dirt (fed by compost) and water, Mother Nature gives them sun, and they grow into food that sustains me. That is miraculous. That never fails to thrill my soul.

*****
I am my best self when I'm by the ocean, that rocking cradle of life that has lapped at shores since earth was formed and will be there long after my essence is returned to the Universe. I know where I am when I'm standing on her wondrous shore; I feel her heartbeat inside me. More than anywhere else, the ocean awes me, calms me, stimulates me, scares me with its power and feeds me with its changeable constancy.

Reverb 10 -- feeling alive!

2010-12-03T18:15:00.000-08:00

Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

What came first to mind was our vacation week in Brookings, Ore., in a charming house right where the Pacific and the Winchuck River meet. And in particular, the second full day of the week-long respite, when we woke to foggy skies and brisk, cool winds.

The great room of the one-bedroom house was all windows on the ocean end so we could see the driftwood-studded beach and the river mouth widen and narrow as the tides came in and out during the day. There were some 30 steps off the narrow back deck to the lower yard, which had tall trees, a lawn, and a short path out onto the beach, plus a fish-cleaning station and some of the ocean treasures others had brought from the sand -- buoys, shells, long driftwood poles, and an interesting assortment of oddly-shaped pieces of driftwood, for instance.

On this day we could barely see the beach. The ocean, of course, never ceases its wavery voice, first whooshing into the beach, then withdrawing with a sibilant purr. That was the constant background music for our whole week (and we slept with the sliding door and windows cracked so we could hear it all night long).

With the heat warming the room and lamps brightening corners, we ate a hot breakfast, then made a second pot of coffee. I snuggled into the chaise lounge part of the big, overstuffed sofa, afghan over my legs, and Tony settled in one of the big leather recliners with his laptop. And I cracked open a new book, The Help, and began reading.

Eventually I moved to another chair, propping my legs on the matching ottoman, because it had a better reading light. And read. All morning.

A quiet lunch, and I was back in the chair, this time with hot tea, and continued to read. All afternoon. I finished the book shortly before dusk: the fog never dissipated.

I don't remember the last time I just read a book all day long, blissfully lost in the word-created world. Occasionally I'd look at Tony, who was intent on reading news and blogs and video editing software, and sometimes he'd look back and me and we'd smile at each other, both of us utterly content to be exactly where we were, doing exactly what we were doing.

I have always, always been a reader. I'd read walking to or from school. I'd read in the bathroom. I figured out how to wash dishes with a book propped up in front of me. I'd read while drying my hair, while waiting in a line or for appointments; everywhere I went I had a book with me.

I've lost that in the busy-ness of the years and endless chores that need attention -- and there are always chores that need attention. Oh, I still read every day -- always the newspaper -- but usually a book only when I'm tucked into bed at night, before I turn out the light.

But I found it that day, again, that lovely soft grey day when there was nothing more important for me to do than sit there and just read. I found again the essence of who I am in that day and remembered how important it is for me to connect with my own story every day, to make time for that even with everything else beating on my door.

So I'm a little late...

2010-12-02T18:09:00.000-08:00

...but I've signed up for #Reverb10, a daily blog prompt to help me reflect on this past year and "...manifest what's next..." whatever that may end up. (thank you, Melissa!)

It started yesterday, but I was enroute to pick up Princess #1 at the airport who was coming back home from visiting her dad, and also playing Elizabeth in a 'Journey to Bethlehem' event at the local Presbyterian church (for you local readers, it continues Wednesdays from 12-1 in December, and is well worth taking half an hour at lunch to remember Christmas's message).

So, that said, on to the first prompt of Dec. 1:

One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

My word for 2010 is Transition. Almost from the first day in January, much of my life was disrupted this year because of a fall that broke my right wrist, which meant that I couldn't take notes or type (very efficiently at least) to continue on the freelancing path I've been on these past two+ years. It meant that I couldn't do the simplest chores, like folding clothes or washing dishes, without some major creativity. It meant that I spent the first three weeks of January in a pain-and-medicine-induced fog, with side effects that were in themselves very unpleasant -- like urpy nausea every time I needed one of the narcotic pain meds, or not being able to pee even though I badly needed to, or nightmarish dreams and restless sleep, with my right arm propped up on pillows.

The week between the accident and the surgery to repair the bad break was the worst: the body-mind connection is very real and gets stronger as we age, I believe, and my body knew that things were not right.

I came out of it all eventually and have most of my strength and movement back, thank you universe, but it took a very long time -- most of the year -- to find myself again, and actually I'm still working on becoming who I am supposed to be at this point in my life, and figuring out how to do what I need to do (whatever that is). I'm no longer freelancing, but was able to turn that over to a dear friend who loves the writing and meets the deadlines without the anxiety that they were provoking in me anyway. Clearly I was meant to give that up -- and I don't miss the deadlines, although I loved hearing the stories!

Top that off with some stresses and angst about other loved ones' issues and problems, and it made for a year in transit.

For 2011, I'd like my word to be Renewal. I want to move ahead, to put things to rest and to clean out the old (literally as well as figuratively), to remember every day that this is not a dress rehearsal and that every day is a new beginning if I so choose.

For Dec. 2:
Writing. What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing -- and can you eliminate it?

I get bogged down in little things, mostly, but also spend too much time putzing on Facebook, on e-mail, on Internet browsing about things that aren't really all that important. I do read several blogs every day but I think that's a GOOD thing, like reading the newspapers. But I do procrastinate -- always have, or at least to the point where I'm down to the eleventh hour and 58th minute before I get going -- and I'd like to NOT do that. I'm working on trying to allow a certain time period for putzing, and then doing at least ONE thing for the good of the order -- like vaccuuming a rug or dusting a table or cleaning a drawer or a closet -- every day. I also need to plan to spend at least an hour a day writing or working on a plan for a book. Progress, not perfection.

November is my favorite month

2010-11-11T14:50:00.000-08:00

November is a big month for me: not only is it my birth month (21st), but also Tony's birth month (15th). It's my sister-in-law's birthday on the 9th, and my dad would have been 94 yesterday. My ex's mother died 14 years ago today. And my daughter Vanessa's birthday is the 24th.

It always has marked the beginning of winter for me. I remember a birthday, either my sixth or seventh, in Wayzata, Minn., and watching the flurries outside the window as I unwrapped a big book of stories from my grandmother, who usually sent me books for Christmas and birthdays. I would anticipate the first snow of the winter on my birthday -- of course more often than not it didn't happen quite that way, but I liked to think it did. (And for the record, I don't miss snow...just sayin'.)

It's Thanksgiving month too, with a four-day weekend, and then countdown to Christmas -- lots of food, lots of shopping, lots of activity everywhere, with concerts and fall plays and bazaars and the last of the fall festivals.

Weather is more unpredictable than October, colder than September, but without the surety of cold and rain that mark the early winter days of December. We usually get our first frost this month, and definitely some rain, but leaves still cling stubbornly to the trees. Out here it also means the greening begins, since our 'green' season is winter, and the ground springs to life a little more after each bit of rain. The deer begin to fatten up again with the bounty of acorns on the ground and the new grass, and the big six-point buck that's been roaming our property is looking for nookie as the does hustle out of his way.

It's nearly 70 degrees today -- hardly wintery -- and mild temps are predicted for several more days. It's a good time to get the last red tomatoes out of the garden, pick the peppers, and start cleaning out the spent vines. We'll insulate the water spigots and outdoor pipes on one of these mild days so that we're not out there in cold wind at the last minute.

The outdoor kitties have been preparing for weeks: the twins, Snitch and Squib, are fat and furry, with thick tails that they wrap around their noses as they snooze in the kitty beds on the front porch. Harry Potter, Weasley and even little Minnie have their winter coats on too, although they aren't as chunky -- the twins like to periodically chow down on lizard, mouse or bird tartare, (fur, feathers and all) usually on the front sidewalk where they demonstrate to the other cats the fine art of decapitation on their unfortunately slow victims. crunchcrunchcrunch

The gutters are clean, the chimney likewise, the wood rack is stacked, and the flannel sheets are on the bed. The kettle is on the woodstove ready to humidify the air and the AC and swamp cooler are shut down for the season. I've already made one big pot of veggie soup and have broth ready for another. It's comfort food time: perhaps my Minnesota roots are showing, but I love the stews and soups and roasted meats and warm breads perfuming the house with their aromas. Salad -- our typical summer fare -- simply doesn't smell, y'know?

And I prefer the cozy sweats and fleece of winter to the linen and thin cotton of summer as well: alpaca socks on my feet on the coldest days, fuzzy slippers ready for my cold feet. I like the darker colors, the rich jewel tones punctuated by black, more than I like the whitewashed pastels of warmer weather.

So I'm finishing up the closet changes today, tucking away the summer clothes and light-colored rugs, and winter-fying the decor. I'm ready for the change, ready for whatever the new season will bring me, ready to do something different.

“Fallen leaves lying on the grass in the November sun bring more happiness than the daffodils” -- Cyril Connelly

Five weeks later, another five on Friday!

2010-10-29T14:15:00.000-07:00

Yegods. I wrote last on Oct. 1. And while I've been gone, been busy getting ready for and hosting my brother and sister-in-law, going to doctors and meetings and taking kitty boy McMurphy to the vet, my mind hasn't stopped churning -- until this week, anyway, when I just stopped everything. I've been doing stuff, just not on anyone else's timetable. I've loved it.

So let's go back to the Friday Five today, since it's FIVE weeks later and approaching Halloween.

What gives you the heebie-jeebies?

Heights, hands-down. I get queasy and light-headed from practically any height and always have. I could never stand on the back row of risers in choir because I'd be too afraid of falling to think about singing. I don't do glass elevators either, unless I'm huddled close to the door and facing it, vast expanse of bottomless pit at my back. I can paint from a stepladder, oddly, but not a tall one.

I'm not fond of snakes, spiders, rodents, etc., but nothing in the animal realm truly makes me shudder with fear just because they are in sight. My daughter V, on the other hand, can't even bear to see PICTURES of snakes because they terrify her so.

And then there are the unseen fears, the mental gymnastics of 'what if' that nearly everyone deals with, usually in the middle of a dark night. Those can truly give me the heebie-jeebies, even when I know there is nothing I can do about whatever situation I'm obsessing over.

When were you most recently in double trouble?
I'm practically perfect in every way, so am never in trouble. Well, rarely. Hardly ever. Really.

What puts you in the mood for some hanky-panky?
Sometimes just snuggling up to my honey in bed will do it because it feels so good to touch him and be so close. Sometimes it's reading (or watching) something particularly romantic or, um, lustful. Sometimes it is just thinking about past hanky-pankys...

What easy-breezy task is still a pain in the neck to accomplish?
Dusting and vacuuming the floors. It's not a hard chore, but I just don't get it done as often as I ought to-need to-want to. I swear we could make a fur coat for another whole cat with the cat hair I vacuum up when I do.

What area in your life seems especially rife with mumbo-jumbo?
Probably the biggest unknown in my life is my daughter's health, especially emotional health. Helping her deal with mumbo-jumbo providers and uncertain financial aid and the issues all of them encompass is akin to winding your way through a dark, vast, and scary maze, and you don't know when it will end nor what will be the reward if you find your way out. And if *I* feel this way, reasonably healthy and sane, I can only guess at how very unsettling and distressful it is for her.

Five on Friday

2010-10-01T09:17:00.000-07:00

Before I leave town for a week with my BFF Julie in Indianapolis, I want to do the 'Friday Five' -- starting out this new month with something written, this 10th month of the year, this countdown to the end of the year. (Today is also my cousin Joy's 60th birthday -- which means that my little brother's 60th birthday is next Friday. Welcome to a new decade!)

What was the last thing you dropped on the kitchen floor?
That would be a piece of mushroom as I was chopping it to go in this morning's omelet. I picked it up and yes, I threw it in the compost pot. If it had been chocolate, I would have invoked the 'if I saw it fall it's fine' rule and eaten it.

What cough drops do you like, and do they work very well?
I don't like cough drops because that means if I'm using them, I probably have a cold that has gone into my chest. Yuk. I prefer to ward off a cold with Wellness Formula first, if I'm feeling tickly-in-the-throat, or, if it does erupt into that stuffy sort-of-sick feeling that indicates something is going on, I start on Cold FX. Both of those remedies usually ward off a full-blown cold. And that said, if I MUST use a cough drop, I like Fisherman's Friend because they sort of explode their menthol-y taste into my (stuffy) nose and down my (scratchy) throat. Do they work? Eh. They help in that they generate saliva to combat the dryness and menthol to help the stuffies. Don't know that any of them work all that well.

Who was the last person you dropped off somewhere?
Probably Princess #1. When we need to do errands in town, I usually pick her up and I drive.

When were you ever dropped like a bad habit?
Friendships take on many roles during our lives. There is an e-mail that has made the rounds -- I believe I've written about it previously -- about 'reason-season-lifetime' friendships. It's not usually until you look back at the friendship that you can identify the kind that it is/was.

I've had 'reason' friendships that I recognized as such pretty quickly -- especially those who were in my life as teachers to learn something I needed to know -- or to teach them something -- at that time in my life. I still wonder about some of those people (I like to know the whole story!), but they are no longer active participants in my life. I am grateful for what I learned, for the experience of knowing them, for the part I played in their lives and them in mine.

The 'season' friendships can also be a learning experience, a time to grow, to laugh, to play, to cherish the moments that are there. Sometimes these can grow into 'lifetime' friendships, but that takes time and track.

I've been part of social groups in the past that were close, had a great time together, shared some experiences, and then just drifted apart for no discernible reason -- the people involved found new interests, had additional responsibilities, were not available to get together because of family or travel or ... whatever.

That's been the source of some hurt feelings in the past, too, because I always tend to blame myself when a friendship drifts into an acquaintance state (what did I say to cause this? what did I do? can I make it better? yikes!), and I have to re-learn the lesson that I am not responsible for other people's actions or feelings, and accept that I probably had nothing to do with the reasons the friendship has waned, and that a friendship requires both sides to engage and nurture it if it is to continue or grow. If just one person wants it, it ain't gonna happen no matter what you say or do. And that hurts, at least for a while.

The 'lifetime' friends are the ones who are there no matter what, and if you have more than one of these, you are indeed lucky. I'm going to see Julie, my lifetime friend, although we haven't been together for four years. But we both have nurtured the relationship through letters, e-mails, and phone calls for around 28 years now, despite divorces, surgeries, illnesses, and traumatic and horrifying revelations. We have a bond that has lasted through the whole mess and will until the end of our lives, I believe.

What are your favorite kind of raindrops?
I like ANY kind of raindrops in this neck of the woods where we get rain only from November-April most years. I miss the daily thunderstorms and warm rains of the Deep South, the smell of rain that cleanses and refreshes everything, the almost iridescent green glow of the leaves and grasses when the sun comes back out. In northern California, we get the rain smell, sorta, but it is the smell of the dirt sucking it in like a dying man in the desert finding an oasis. Thunderstorms are a bit scary because of the extreme fire danger during the late spring and fall, until the rains begin again and the earth comes back to life. I love the lazy rain, the one that soaks in and caresses each brown blade of grass, nurtures and coaxes it back to green. I'm looking forward to what I hope will be another wet, cold winter here. (The kitty forecast says it will be: our outside boys are fattening up and their fur coats are thick and heavy already.)

It is a new beginning again, this day, another month, one that will see us transition between the hot days of summer into the cool, wetter fall. I love October.

Letting go -- again

2010-09-23T13:55:00.000-07:00

Today's Daily Om is about control...just as in riding a roller coaster, you can either sit gripping tightly to the crossbar, teeth clenched in apprehension, or you can throw your hands in the air, let your body move to the curves, and enjoy the ride.

I'm really good at holding on. REALLY good. For far too long.

I admit that I do like to control things. I hate, even more than being lied to, being blindsided. And those things that blindside you are seldom pleasant ones, alas.

So I try to steer wherever I can, try to keep things on a level that I can manage, and pretty much try to see where they're going, and deter them if at all possible, without throwing myself directly in front of the bus that's about to hit them.

Nothing has gone off the rails lately, knock wood, but the Daily Om certainly did conjure some memories of not-so-pleasant experiences that I'm not anxious to repeat.

That said, because I DO like to manage things, I create a lot of stress for myself, a lot of pressure, and more than a little angst. Not healthy. Not even productive. Completely unnecessary and actually pretty stupid behavior. I'm supposed to be wiser than that at my age.

So I'm still (again) working on letting go: agreeing that I am powerless over people, places and things, and that I do NOT know better than anyone how to run things, especially the lives of other people.

Friends and family (and formerly co-workers) do have the right to their own choices and to make decisions for themselves that are -- from my lofty viewpoint -- fairly nigh on to stupid, if not downright destructive.

God knows -- oh, She does -- that my choices have not always been the best possible ones. Why, then, do I take on the burden of worry and action (when possible) that are not mine to manage? Maybe I think that I can do better with someone else's life than I have with mine?

(Actually, mine is a very good life, and I am grateful every day, multiple times every day. And that is despite some not very good choices in the past. I count my blessings, I ask for help for myself and also for those I love, and I try to be kind and to let people know that I care about them. I am very lucky to have what I do.)

So the only thing I really need to do is to let go: throw my hands up in the air and enjoy the ride on this coaster. See the views from the top of my own ride, and stop worrying about whether or not anyone else will be able to see the same views as I do. Their ride may be completely different, with even better views. I'd like to think so.