40 years of The Serenity Prayer

40 years ago today, I trembled my way into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, accompanied by a woman I had just met. It was a typical church basement meeting room with unflattering fluorescent lights, a long table, and folding chairs, and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee filling the air. There were neatly dressed, well-groomed men and women, a few who looked sickly and bloated, even a little yellowish, many in jeans and tees, some chatting, others quietly reading a thick book, most with a cup of coffee or can of soda in front of them.  

It took me several of those meetings before I could choke out the words admitting that my name was Beth, and yes, I was an alcoholic. And yet, why else would I have been there? You don’t just wander into a 12-Step Group for fun. You go because you don’t want to live like you have been. You go because you don’t know what else to do. You go because you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Maybe you go because a judge has ordered you to. And like me, maybe you go because you think you may have a problem, but you surely aren’t that far gone yet. (Hint: If you’re there, it’s because you DO have a problem and yes, you DO need to be there.)

I could not imagine a life without drinking wine with Italian food, a day on the lake without plenty of beer, a nice dinner without a few cocktails beforehand (which turned into during, and after…). I was just in awe of those speakers who had 10 or 15, or even 25 years of sobriety, and knew I could never do that. It was just inconceivable. My group of friends all drank. I wouldn’t fit in anymore. 

And yet, here I am, 40 years sober. 

In those many church basements and a few dedicated clubhouses, I was shown a blueprint for living my life through the 12 Steps. It was so simple: Admitting I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable….Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity…..and so on, one step at a time, worked through on your own timetable. And you could go back and repeat. And people would encourage you and talk about their own experiences, openly. There were often tears. There was genuine laughter. There were hugs. 

The only rule was that for the next 24 hours, one day, you couldn’t drink. I was given a small metal coin with AA engraved on one side, and told that if I felt the urge to drink, I should drop the chip into the glass, and when it dissolved, I could have the drink. 

People gave me their phone numbers, told me to call if I felt shaky. When I came back, I was welcomed. And I watched them do the same with so many others, whether or not they had succeeded in not drinking that day. “Keep coming back” was the mantra. “Good things happen to alcoholics who don’t drink.”

In those rooms, we discussed and read the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions, one at a time, over and over. Many speakers told their stories and left us with the assurance that if they could do it, so could we. I learned that the difference between my story and that of someone who had lost home, family, health, maybe even liberty, was that I hadn’t had to go down those roads YET….the lesson being that drinking/using never ends well and it can be a simple matter of time before you get there, in the dungeon of self-loathing and lost blessings. 

One step at a time. Rinse and repeat. Meetings. The Serenity Prayer was never far from my lips, and especially in the beginning I used it constantly to keep me focused on what I needed to do, giving me strength to live a minute at a time on some days. It wasn’t just not having a drink, it was knowing that the drink was not going to be an option to help numb the anger or resentment or pain or fear. It was figuring out what I could change and what I couldn’t, and sometimes desperately pleading for the wisdom to see and be able to live with the difference. 

When you live life one day at a time, it is much easier to manage. When you have an outline of how to manage your feelIngs and relationships, and how to move forward in a kind and positive way, it is life changing, one day, one step at a time. It never gets old. You are never “done” with any step, because if you are living, you are changing and evolving. The 12 Steps are as relevant to me today as they were at the beginning of this journey. I did not do them perfectly nor always as suggested, having just the *slightest* tendency towards following my own drum. But the outcome has been positive. 

I am so grateful for these Life Lessons, this blueprint for being, that I came to in such a desperate and pain-filled way so long ago. I see them reflected in teachings from our great Ascended Masters, of Buddha, Master Jesus, Quan Yin, Sensei Usui. I have found them in movies and novels. I see them sometimes in news stories about the helpers who appear when there is desperate need. And I still work, one day at a time, to use them in my own life and responses to the world’s hurting and injustices. 

Spending more than half my life as a recovering alcoholic was not one of my life goals. But those choices led me in a positive direction when I stepped into that basement room, and I am filled with gratitude for 40 years of stubborn determination to not drink for the next 24 hours, and to follow, however imperfectly, the 12 Steps. 

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

— Reinhold Niebuhr 

Friendships: A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

"True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island. To find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing." ~ Baltasar Gracian

I've never been one to have a lot of friends at once, and the few close ones I do have have taken years to develop. 

But they're the ones you can call on when you don't know anybody else who will listen to your fears and worries and rantings, who will hug you and hand you Kleenex as you sob your heart out, and tell you whether you're simply caught up in the emotion of the situation or whether it really IS as bad as you think it is. And then they'll help you figure out where to go from there.

They're the ones who will call YOU when you try to isolate and say "I'm fine" when it is clear that you are no such thing. They'll beat down your barriers and show up uninvited. They don't buy the "I'm fine" crap you're trying to sell to the rest of the world.  

They're also the ones that you can pick up with right where you left off, no matter if it's been 10 minutes or 10 years. 

It takes intention to develop that kind of friendship. You talk, in person, on the phone, via email or social networking. If it clicks, you keep going.  You go shopping and to lunch. You share at least some interests and go places together -- the home and garden show, the quilting show, the movies, a play or concert.. You show up for their events; they show up for yours. You keep touching base with each other, intentionally. You ask about them and what's important in their lives; they ask about you and your activities. It isn't forced, it isn't really work, because you really want to know. You've clicked over into friendship, a deep, loving friendship.

It's said that friendships fall into the categories of reason, season, or lifetime. I think that's pretty accurate. 

In these days of social media, people have long 'Friends' lists -- numbering in the hundreds if not thousands. I understand that often it is for marketing purposes, especially when one is an entrepreneur and needs to develop a base of supporters -- I mean, who has thousands of  'friends' in real life? Not me. 

I am surprised to see myself with slightly more than 200 'Friends.' Many are people I used to know through various jobs and places I used to live, from high school or college, and while we might have once known each other fairly well, we don't anymore -- but neither of us wants to break that tie from the past just yet. They're the 'reason' or 'season' friendships. And yet there are one or two from this group who I expect to be in occasional touch with, outside of Facebook, for the rest of my life. 

Some are relatives who I don't know very well, especially as adults, but we share a common  family tree and some interesting memories of our grandparents and our sibling parents -- and I've actually come to know a few of them a little better because of the Facebook ties. They're also 'reason' friends, although I will know most through our lifetimes. But where we might have been close cousins as children, we are now merely related adults.

 A very few are people I've come to know through our connection online and while I have never (or only once or twice) actually hugged their necks, I enjoy their stories. And nearly all the rest are people I know, most not particularly well, from living in my current area. 

There are a handful who I count as dear friends. We've gone through at least some stages of the friendship building, and there is a connection that goes beyond social media. They are the 'season' friends --  who may yet develop into the lifetime ones. We are enjoying the journey together, and that's what matters. I am grateful for them.

At least two do not use Facebook at all -- but we pick up where we left off when we do see each other, which may be once every few years or two or three times a year. We send cards, exchange emails or texts, sometimes phone calls. Those are the lifetime friends. 

One of those friendships began in 1982 and has lasted through divorces, depression, alcoholism, anguish over children, our parents' deaths, radically different political  and even spiritual viewpoints, and a (ex)spouse who molested both of our daughters. I know that whoever dies first will have the other at her bedside, if at all possible, to help in that last transition. Because we love each other, warts and all.

It is a privilege and a great joy to have such a friend. I never take these dear friends for granted, and I hope I give back to them the caring and consideration they have extended to me. We all learn from each other in this world, and it is such a blessing to have like-minded people to play with through this life!