Reverb 14, Day 4

1. We are all lightning rods, conduits for that which the Universe wants born into this world. What energies did you channel this year?

2. Do Over: Hindsight is the one thing we never benefit from in the present.  Is there one moment you wish that you could do-over?

1. Early this year a group of local women began meeting once a month to share and to help each other through Reiki, a focusing of energy that can help heal -- a 'laying on of hands,' it might have been called in earlier days and cultures. In September I completed the Reiki Level One classes, and will go on to Level Two the next time classes are offered here. 

This energy was tremendously helpful for me as I prepared for my ablation; helpful as I kept boundaries and worked on acceptance; helpful in getting to know other like-minded women. We come from a variety of backgrounds; some are Christian and church-going; some are not so much. It doesn't matter in that group -- the energy and caring is just there for us all to receive and to give. 

I learned to channel the Universal energy spirit through my body and my hands, and in the process, did a lot of thinking. My lessons this year were more inward, coming to terms with some long-standing issues and fears, and learning that the inside needs to be right before the outside acts,  not that it can't be done somewhat concurrently!  

I am a student these days, soaking in the lessons that are appearing before me, and learning from those who are walking the path too.  I feel very blessed to have all these teachers appear when I needed them!

2. Oh, geeze. I have always been a fantastic Monday morning quarterback, and have in the past replayed scenes the way I wished they had gone, saying in retrospect the succinct, witty, perhaps snarky comments that were not on my tongue at the right moment.  I've had whole imaginary conversations with people, multiple times, sometimes for way longer than I should even be thinking about it. 

And right now, I cannot think of a single instance this year where I wished for a do-over like that.

Were there any? Probably.

But I am learning better from my missteps, those times when I have gotten embroiled in something I'd rather not have done in retrospect, and taking steps to make sure that I don't do it again. One such instance involved explaining rather frankly to an organizer of an event dear to my heart in which I've participated for several years why I would not be helping in 2015. I was not rude nor abrasive, but rather than brush it off as being 'too busy' or some other nebulous excuse, I told the individual exactly what I felt and experienced, and wished them well. Without me. 

I am not at all sorry for participating this year. But the experience showed me clearly that I was done with the event as it currently is organized. So I really didn't want a do-over; instead, I let it go. 

That's even better, I think: to be able to analyze what no longer serves my best interests, my highest self, and to stop doing it. That leaves the door open for something new to come in, something that will better fit who I am now, who I am growing into. 

And that goes for those words that escape from my mouth before my brain is in gear. Those instances show me how important it is to LISTEN and to keep my own mouth shut until I am sure I have something valuable to add. I'm getting better at that too.

 

April Moon 14: Day 4 -- Sacred

Sacred

What feelings does this word evoke? What sorts of memories does it recall? Which of your senses start to tingle? How would you represent what this word means to you?

Sacred has the definition of 'revered due to association with holiness. Holiness, or sanctity, is in general the state of being holy (perceived by religious individuals as associated with divinity) or sacred (considered worthy of spiritual respect or devotion; or inspiring awe or reverence among believers).'

For me, I'm not so much influenced by the opinions or practices of'religious individuals as associated with divinity.' That's probably because once upon a time in another life I worked for the Great Church. I saw 'em up close and personal, warts and all, politics and abuses of office and so on. I loved and honored many who I knew. Our clergy are PEOPLE, folks, and they have faults and idiosyncracies and they make mistakes. Many have a genuine calling to serve; I'd venture to say most of them began with that, but there are some who lost that along the way.

So. What I'm told is 'sacred' by the Great Church or its servants is not necessarily what I'd label 'sacred.'

I find much of nature to be sacred: ah, my beloved Mama Ocean, who heals, who washes away the insignificant, whose constancy is ancient. The mountains, old wisdom and that constancy again (well, maybe not so much the volcanic ones, but even they move and breathe and do as they are supposed to do). Any animal or bird or bug -- the flowers, the grasses, the trees -- how DOES a tree know when to pop its leaves, and isn't it a miracle and SACRED that they do every year, every single spring? How does that hummingbird DO that hover thing? Wow.

Our bodies are sacred temples, mysterious in the infinite ways they are engineered to carry us through life, that we are all so alike and yet so, so different. Babies are sacred little beings when they are born, innocent and unknowing and wise and perfect.

The energy of all things is sacred. We are all connected through that energy, and to practice feeling it, tapping into the ancient and endless well of energy is to touch immortality, or as close as we could come to knowing it. Meditation is a powerful way to do that. Being outside and consciously raising our individual energy to blend with that of the energy of all things around us is sacred.

I have been in places that hold a tangible energy and history, but I'm not sure I'd label them 'sacred' -- awe-worthy, perhaps, knowing the stones and wood and surroundings hold the traces of an energy that once inhabited that place, even recently. Communal energy raised in gratitude and praise and love is very powerful, and I often feel that in places of worship. Is that sacred? Perhaps.

I guess what makes something sacred for me is the purity of purpose and energy that marks a place or words or actions or even that which resides in a person. It simply IS, without agenda, without ego, and it resonates on a deeply personal, interior level. I am always grateful when I experience flashes of the sacred, and awed by the power it encompasses.

Scintilla#13, Day 11

1. Write about an experience you had that was so strange or incredible, it sounds like it could have been made up.

I am sure I've told the story of how Tony and I met somewhere in these posts, and I can find references to that magical day, but not the whole thing. Here's the snapshot version;

I'd recently moved to the Bay Area after leaving a 27-year marriage and was living alone for the first time in my adult life. New job, new life, little apartment in Pacifica looking out on my beloved ocean.

A work colleague had talked about how much fun she was having meeting people through Yahoo personals, then a fairly new way to connect. Practically on the eve of my 50th birthday, I decided to try it and put out an ad mentioning a variety of authors, saying "If you know these, we might have something in common."

Got several responses and spent the next week e-mailing back and forth with a couple of them. Met one guy the day after Thanksgiving at a museum in Golden Gate Park -- the day was gorgeous and sunny -- the guy was nice enough but clearly not a match. We parted ways after spending a couple of hours in the museum.

Back home, I checked email: A note from a guy I'd been corresponding with, had already established that we both lived in Pacifica and that he knew most of my authors, but this time he told me where he lived (three blocks) and his phone number, saying he'd love to get together for a coffee.

I didn't dither long -- it was too pretty a day. Called him. "I live three blocks from you. Want to go for a walk on the beach?" I asked. He said yes. "Meet me at the stairs in 20 minutes."

He did. I did. We walked. Talked. Kissed. Talked more. Came back up the stairs five hours later, in the dark, giggling the whole way.

And we haven't been apart since.

Now is that a fairy-tale ending or what!

Connecting to spirit

The energy work I've done/am doing in preparation and as post-operative treatment for my surgery is very spiritual for me, connecting to a Universal energy that thrums deep in the earth as well as in me.

The mountains that we see from our house remind me daily how powerful and all-encompassing that energy is. The trees, the birds, the red dirt, the greening of the meadows -- all these emphasize how energy is within us and all around us, and that it never, ever dies.

“Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.”― Albert Einstein

Tony and I have had many recent conversations about energy and how it works within us. We ARE energy. What is within us does not die when our body does, so where does it go? What does it become? I have always liked Emerson's 'Oversoul' essay which I read as a high school senior, and it still explains best for me what happens to our soul, our personal energy, when the body is no longer needed. For me, it explains the inter-connectedness of everything living. Perhaps it is simplistic, but it works for me, and I can feel the connection with those I love now as well as those whose bodies are no longer on this earth. 

I am learning to take in energy, to receive it from the earth and from crystals, and from the Universe, and to make it move within my body and limbs. 

And yes, I know how 'woo-woo' that sounds, and that others will have other explanations for it, something that fits within what they perceive as logical and reasonable and practical. 

Thankyouverymuch. *smile*

But for me it works, just what I'm doing and what I'm learning from my beautiful, practical, amazing teacher Jessie.

A Buddhist proverb says that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. While I have known Jessie for several years, and indeed have experienced her healing skills, this time I knew that I needed her, that the only way I was going to get through the fear and anxiety that was threatening to take over my entire life was through her help. She agreed immediately to be that healing help for me.

In the process of practicing the energy work and going within, I also have been doing a lot of reading, and just completed Anne Lamott's new little book Help.Thanks.Wow: The Three Essential Prayers .I've loved her conversational approach to spirituality for a long time and have several of her books on my bookshelf already. This one really speaks to where I am now and what I need, how I talk to the Universe/God(dess), and I savored each section. I'll re-read as necessary...

I haven't called myself 'religious' for a very long time, but have always known that there is a deep spiritual desire and connection within me. There are things I miss about the churches I grew up in and attended as an adult: the communal worship, a lot of the music (which transcends any religion and goes straight to God/Universe), and some of the church activities I was active in -- choir, suppers, events, etc. SOME of them. Not all. I do not miss the politics of a big church, nor the judgmental attitudes, nor the guilt that sometimes comes with participation and attendance. I would be interested in a community of like-minded people who are not necessarily tied to one particular denomination or even belief system, but who believe in right action, right speech, kindness, gratitude; who accept energy work and reiki and angels as a part of the work we are all here to do, here to find and to share.  

I am so grateful to the people who have helped me come this far, and I embrace this journey here and now. I am beginning to be aware that this surgery on my foot was necessary, not just to fix my ability to walk, but for my ability to BE and to learn and to grow spiritually. Deep gratitude for you, my teachers, my friends and mentors. ~Blessings~

Reverb11 - Day 21 - What do I believe

#1 Prompt: Believe:  What did you believe in this year?   Did your faith help propel you forward?  What do you want to believe in throughout 2012?

 

#2 Prompt: Party Time - Tell us about the "best" party you attended this year.

 

#1  -- I believe in the power each of us has to transform our own lives. I believe that there is more to the Universe than is visible to our eyes. I believe that I am loved and cherished by at least one other person in this world. I believe that the only life I can save is mine. (I don't think I believe anymore that people are basically good at heart, however.)

And yes, each of these beliefs helped me to move forward this year and to change some attitudes and  behaviors, and each of them gave me strength to move through adversity. I want to keep believing in these things for 2012 because they all give me hope, and honestly, there were times this year when I found hope hard to see, at least in a few situations.

You really don't want the details.

#2 -- I pretty much answered this in yesterday's post about gatherings. I'm not a big party person, honestly. I like getting together with friends, but not necessarily in large groups. The RB Murder Mystery Dinner was a great party because of the atmosphere, the expectations, and the great people I got to work with.

 

Dear Universe, give me patience. Now, please.

That 'patience' lesson has been one that the Universe has offered to me over and over most of my life, but since 1997 I've been really aware when it presents itself.

I think I'm there again, although I'm not sure exactly what I'm needing to be patient about this time.

My life changed drastically in 1997  (although there was actually a lead-in of several years that I can see now that I have the perspective of time and hindsight). I was working in Birmingham, Ala., for a multinational company that sent me to the San Francisco area to visit other offices and to meet with my colleagues from there and from the East Coast offices.

It was a wonderful time: I explored the city, went to a meditation retreat in Marin County, ate wonderful food, met with my colleagues and worked on planning and projects, and thought a lot -- a LOT -- about what I wanted. I was 49 years old and so many of my friends were going through huge changes in their lives -- illnesses, divorces, moves -- best known as "mid-life crises." About that time I discovered Gail Sheehy's New Passages, a followup to her best-selling book Passages, and realized that we women were not losing our minds and that certainly our feelings and actions were not unusual. It was liberating to understand that.

I came home knowing that I belonged in California, more specifically in the SF Bay area, and that I did not want to look back at my life when I was dying and wonder "what if." I wanted to be who I was, not who I was expected to be any longer. That message from the Universe was crystal clear.

So I started to work towards that goal, involving many long distance job applications, hours of reading and talking to friends who lived there already and with those who knew me best, approaching my company for a job, and  -- yes, a divorce.

From April until August -- really not long at all -- I worked single-mindedly at this, crying a lot, praying a lot, meditating a lot, reflecting on who I wanted to be, and trying -- STRUGGLING -- to be patient. In August, one of my employers' offices in the SF area came through with a job offer and I flew out to look for housing, which required more impatient patience as I waited for applications to be approved. (I HAD to live on the coast within a few miles of my beloved ocean, after all...)

It was the absolute right decision for me. It was not the easy path, however, and being on my own in California was sometimes very difficult and lonely (at least until I found Tony -- something the Universe clearly had planned for us).  The Universe kept throwing 'patience' lessons at me, though, and I have learned to deal with it a little better over these last 14 years.  At least I recognize when I need to let go and let it be, although it is always a struggle not to try to take it back and try to control it.

And once again I feel 'patience' as the lesson of the moment, but it seems to be patience for the next right thing to come along. I've felt very uncreative for quite some time -- fleeting ideas about writing, jewelry-making,  sewing, gardening, singing, acting --but not anything that I feel passionate enough about to actually spend much time doing, and therefore I haven't done much of anything. Since I've always been passionate about the creative things I've chosen to do, to be so wishy-washy about doing anything is a little unsettling. 

So, Universe, I'm waiting to see where I should go from here. You are in charge here, not me, and I get that, finally. I'm just trying to keep my eyes and my heart open to possibilities, and watching for open doors and windows. And to be patient, trusting that all will be well eventually. (But please remember that as I get older this time becomes more precious, okay?....)

Re-evaluating

My right wrist is in a lovely purple cast and there is a plate in my wrist binding the broken bones permanently together. I have become increasingly amidextrous and can type with my left hand and using the right middle finger. I can shower, even put on makeup sorta kinda, but I can't open cans with my manual canopener.

I've had lots of help from my beloved Tony and Princess #1 and from a few friends, though many have offered. I've taken lots of naps. I've watched lots of television. I've read. I'm healing. This will not last forever.

But it's thrown me completely into what lifecoach Martha Beck calls a death-rebirth cycle. I've been reading her Finding Your Own North Star and while I haven't done all the exercises, it has been a revelationary process. I'm taking it all in, sitting and thinking, and just being rather than doing much of anything.

We go through the death-rebirth cycle and the subsequent dreaming, acting, living ones many times in our lives, and I guess this is time for yet another for me.

For one thing, I am not writing/meeting deadlines for anyone right now. I can't take notes, can't type well nor effortlessly (which makes it tedious and tiring), and had been having trouble buckling down to actually do stories anyway. So I asked a friend who is ripe and ready for this kind of challenge if she would like to take it over, and all the editors eagerly embraced the idea. It works for me, for her, and for them. Definitely the right thing to do.

But that leaves me without an identity I've had for some time -- not unwillingly, mind you, but still an adjustment, and with some loss to be dealt with.

I can just hear what Beck calls "everybody' chiming in with "geezeopete, Beth. It's not cancer, it's not a brain tumor, it's not a hip or worse. Get a grip!'

So shut up, critics. I know all this.

But I also think a change has been brewing for a while, and this event pushed me into it. Time to look at where I am now, what's important to me, what I *really* want to do now, how I get there, wherever it is.

This has made me feel my age more than I ever have. I have long known how fragile we are physically; this and a few other, hopefully minor, health issues that I'm getting checked out have made me more aware that we only get so much time here, and how do I want to use that?

One thing I know for sure: my husband is the light of my life and I am soooo grateful to have ther relationship that we do. It is a rare gift. I believe, and we both cherish it -- all the more because we spent a lot of years individually without it, not believing that we would ever be lucky enough to have it. I want time with him, as much as the Universe gives me, and I will do what I must to keep myself (reasonably) healthy and alive in order to have that.

As for the rest -- I'll figure it out eventually. The Universe aklways points me in a direction if I listen and look and stay open. Sometimes it is clear. This time it is not. I'm emotional at anything, I have flashes often of people and events from my life, and I'm trying to understand why and what I need to learn from that. I think of my parents at this age and wonder if they, too, tried to understand where they needed to go next.

Perhaps I'm overthinking -- and I have done that in the past. Perhaps I'm looking for signs that aren't there and won't be.

It is a time for re-evaluating what was and finding the path through what is to what's next.

PS I purchased Beck's book. I have not been paid to recommend it.

Ask for what you want

The Daily Om seems to be on a roll this week. Today's tidbit is about asking for what you want and being very intentional, very detailed about the specifics.

Over and over, we have found this to be true and often caution each other to be careful about what we ask for! Perhaps if we visualized more details, it might help -- but some years ago it was suggested to me that I ask for 'this...or something better' and trust that the Universe will provide what we need.

Not that it happens instantly, mind you, nor are we without responsibility for acting on what we want. But when you align the mind and spirit to focus on what you want an outcome to be, you begin to take actions, often unconsciously, that will lead you in that direction.

And not that it always happens exactly as you planned, although -- thinking back just now -- we planned our house here in very specific detail, our move very intently, the timetable just so. All that happened just about exactly as we'd asked. What threw a bit of a loop in the plans was my getting sick about six months before we were to execute the plan, and ending up on disability, and then getting laid off. However, I had hated that job so much and was so desperately unhappy and stressed, and yet determined to stick it out until the move (nah--nothing stubborn about me), that it is no surprise, really, that I did get sick.

But we got what we asked for, even with the layoff. It just didn't happen quite as we'd envisioned.

Similarly, we asked for a job here, for something that would allow us to be together pretty much all the time, and that happened, although in ways we could never have anticipated -- I mean, selling real estate was never a career choice I'd have chosen previously, but I enjoyed it and wasn't bad at it!

And when that no longer was working for us, we asked the Universe for something else that would give us health insurance and some income, and we got it. Is it perfect? No. Does it do what we asked for? Definitely.

So I'm a believer in asking, in planning, in visualizing what you want. Even when you don't know exactly what you want, if you put out a plea for help, for clarity to see possibilities, it happens. Sometimes you have to pay very close attention to see it -- but it's always there.

What do you want? I'm still asking for what I want -- but I'm also taking steps to make it happen.

Watch for the angels

The Daily Om, which I've mentioned before in these posts, today had a really lovely piece about angels among us. Basically, it says that "their words or actions may help us see ourselves more clearly or remind us that our situations will turn out the way they should, or they help us cope with with difficult situations.

And I needed the reminder that things can change quickly, that all is not angst and worry, and that the only constant is change.

Change.

Nothing stays the same. Everything changes. Nothing lasts forever. I know this is true.

It also reminded me that people come into and go out of our lives for reasons, and that our lives touch others either to learn or to teach. I've learned from and been sustained by the caring of so many friends over the years, most recently these past three months by my wonderful girlfriends (and some of their husbands too) in my little town. (Never in my life have I had so many friends who have been so supportive and caring! How blessed is that!)

I believe I've been put into situations in the past to teach. I've also learned a lot from others who I've encountered, some of them in such unlikely places! But I believe in the old saying: when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

I need to remember that there ARE angels around me and open my eyes to see them, to listen to them, to accept their caring and love. I need to remember to keep asking the universe for what I need for ME, and to be aware of the teachers who appear in my life to help me.

I need to have faith that my children have angels around them as well, and that when they are ready to see them, the teachers (angels) will be there for them.

When we ask the universe for what we need and want (for ourselves) -- I believe that we get answers: yes, no, or not yet. One of my teachers told me once that we should ask for "this, or something better" when we ask -- and I do. It works. Sometimes the answers come in ways you don't expect, but they do come. And I have always been okay.

Tonight I ask for clarity, for acceptance, and I offer gratitude for my friends and family, who surround me, flood me, with love and concern and caring. I feel it. Thank you.

Keeping the faith

The Universe continues to stir the pot with various nastinesses rising to the top, alas. I still have no clue what's going on; I know that we are not alone in feeling its effects.

We are working in our family's house to keep our power, to take it back from those who would reduce our effectiveness, our talents and gifts, our self-esteem, our control over our own destiny.
Part of it is learning to feel empowered even when roadblocks are put in your path. Part of it is learning to be patient with circumstances beyond your control, and to try to maintain a balanced mind, to focus on clarity and calm in the midst of troubling thoughts and feelings.

Take a breath. Another. A third.

Purposeful breathing helps to break the hold of troubled thoughts, of fear and anger, and refocus your attention. I've been doing a lot of that. Probably will be doing a lot more.

We are dealing with illnesses right now -- cancers of the mind and body that want to take control over what is not theirs, but into which they have moved anyway, not because of anything we did or didn't do. It simply is what it is.

Those of us who love them would gladly share the burden of the illness, but you can't take some things onto yourself. So we hold their hands, we walk beside, we offer strong, loving words and voluminous prayers and encouragement and steadfast optimism for a positive result.

And we hope it is enough. We can't know what they think and feel other than what they choose to share, but we can guess -- we guess at how we ourselves would feel if in the same place -- but it is not the same.

All that's left to do is love them as much as we can, and to ask for the prayers of other family and friends and prayer chains and readers and strangers that pass them and us as we walk on this new journey.

We pray for healing. We pray for patience. We pray for strength and courage and faith that all will be well.

One of my mother's favorite hymns was "It is Well with My Soul." The lyrics, in part, are:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, You have taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

I suppose that's the goal: to be able to be well in your soul, in your deepest self, with whatever is going on outside that. That's a hard goal.

So we breathe. Again. And a third time.

And focus on being all right there, in that moment, with these circumstances. We are keeping the faith that all will be well.

Telling the story 2

We accelerated the plan to last week -- Aug. 4 -- when several other details came to light about Princess #1's living situation in Alabama. Scary stuff including abuse and denial of food, among other things. And it already was pretty scary anyway.

So I met her dad there a week ago, and as soon as the jerk left for work, we got busy. R had prepared for this -- determining what we could pack into her car and her dad's van, and had weeded through clothing, made lists, and done as much as she could without arousing suspicion -- which she's not sure she quite managed, but came pretty close.

We loaded stuff in, including her two kitties, with the help of a couple of friends who I knew when I lived there, and eventually headed north to Missouri, where her dad lives. The little pile of possessions that made it out of there is not large -- but you know, the only irreplaceable things are people (and kitties).

The next day we headed for California, driving through Nebraska, Wyoming, Utah, Nevada, on I-80. It took all week, and we probably averaged over 600 miles a day. We got here about 5 p.m. Friday, after hitting most of the rest areas in all five states -- um, six including Missouri. Or actually more, when you count Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky, and Illinois, which we went through to get to central Missouri.

We played at a casino one night in Nevada, shopped a Walmart in Nebraska, had our cell phones squeal and lose signal in Wyoming. We drove through rain, a little lightning, dust devils and wind, and amazingly found the last room available at a hotel in Rock Springs, Wyoming -- which is seeing most hotels full most nights because of a gas and oil boom that has workers staying in the lodging from there to Evanston, Wy. If you're headed that way, make reservations EARLY...

And the kitties were great, except for the last two days when one of them cried for most of the mornings -- we think the altitude might have hurt his ears.

Played the iPod -- he likes Enya, apparently, and finally curled up and went to sleep between us. The other, much mellower, kitty was fine and slept her days away curled in little places.

What an enormous change for R, especially.... and it has not been easy, but we're trying to stay in the moment and deal with one day at a time. Please continue your prayers for her especially as she deals with the stress of coming out of a terrible situation into safety, and leaving a place she's known as home since 1990.

I am so grateful for the seemingly unending strength and patience I've had this week -- I drove nearly all the way, and talked a blue streak. I know this is from the prayers and loving energy of my friends and family -- there is no other explanation. While I am reasonably patient and pretty strong, the deep wells of both qualities have been amazing to me --

So we begin a new chapter with an adult child living with us again. Princess #3 is thrilled and showed up at our door barely 10 minutes after we drove in, and the girls have really bonded again, which pleases us all. This is a good place, a calming place, and I pray for serenity, strength, and more patience for each of us to see this through.

Change is afoot -- I'm not sure what is going on in the universe, but it's hit more than just us. It remains to be seen what happens -- but last year, a little earlier than now, we asked the universe for help, for what we wanted, and we were gifted with what we asked for. We're doing the same now. This, or something better....

Blessings to you. Thank you.

Aw, crap

Mercury is once again in retrograde, which means that communication is likely to be difficult on many fronts, and mistakes are likely in anything written.

And today is one of those days when the energy is just off. At least mine is, and my daughters are having their own issues today as well. Princess #1 is trying to cope with some depression stuff, and at 7 a.m. was not doing well -- I hope she is by now. That's not a good way to begin the day, however, for either of us.

And Princess #3 is likely to have her baby tonight, a few days earlier than expected, because of some health issues. It should work out -- her significant other was in San Francisco at least rather than much farther away, and is headed back at this writing, so he should be there in ample time, and the docs have delayed the process (it's by C-section) accordingly. She was trying to cope as well.

And of course I have deadlines, so am stewing over meeting those. And we have our own little health repairs scattered over the next few months, so there is a sense of needing to tidy up loose ends.

I feel a little out of sorts -- not crabby, not frantic, just not balanced. A little concerned for the well-being of my daughters, and also aware that there is absolutely not one thing I can do to make things better for them, other than being here to listen when they call. Which I'm very glad that they do.

I don't like feeling out of balance, unsettled and a little emotional...I think weather has not helped either: it's been windy for two days, and everyone including the cats gets a little edgy with it. The deer are simply not around -- I think they hide in the low places when it's like this.

Tomorrow will be different, at least, and hopefully some of today's problems will be resolved in a good way. The universe is still at odds until June 19, but maybe I'll cope with it better.

Wisdom to know the difference

I am powerless over people, places and things.

For anyone who's ever been in a 12-step program, that's a mantra you learn and repeat daily, if not more often.

The only person you have any control over is yourself: your actions, your emotions, your behavior. You choose. And in the choosing, you create your own destiny.

But boy, oh boy, it is hard.

I want to "fix" situations. I want to "fix" people. It's so obvious to me that it only would take just this leeeeeetle bit of action or non-action, and then things would be sooooo much better.

Especially when it comes to my children. And anyone I love or care about.

Accepting another's right to act as s/he chooses is so hard for me sometimes, and especially with my daughters, I am constantly letting go and then taking back the worry and the fear for their wellbeing and their future. And then letting go again.

It is hard to accept without visible judgement too -- I try hard to keep a poker face (and am terrible at it), to keep my voice even and unemotional, to keep my words neutral and calm. And yet I know where I'd like each of them to go, which paths to choose that will help them to have good outcomes and lessen the pain and stress that I see ahead otherwise.

But oh, I am not omniscient, I am not all-powerful, and I cannot. I CANNOT. control their choices and destinies, any more than my mother or father could control mine. I made choices, a couple of ones that hugely impacted my life and who I am, and yet I'm okay. I am working to accept where they are, although it is so painful to watch them hurt and teeter on the edge of depression and actions which will have life-long implications!

I can't "fix" my daughters' problems nor their unhappiness. I can and have encouraged them to take steps to help themselves, but it's always a lack of money, time, or something else, it seems.

There is a long-time friend who is unhappy with his life -- he has always felt that he never gets a break, never has the wind at his back for very long, if at all. He has complained about his life for as long as I've known him. He doesn't like living alone, has little family left, and while he has friends, he desperately wants a love relationship, a companion. He is a good person and helps others, lives an ethical life, but yet feels unloved and as though he is of no importance to much of anyone. It hurts my heart when someone I care about feels so unloved and alone.

I can't "fix" him (I've tried, believe me).

I'm so aware that there are people who don't seem to have the ability, the desire, to take control over their lives and change what they don't like. Long ago I knew a woman, a bright, pretty, very talented children's librarian, a success in her field and loved by her colleagues and clients. She was hospitalized numerous times for depression and suicide attempts, including a terrible instance when she swallowed Drano, which left her alive and unable to eat normally. Not too long after she was released from the hospital after that attempt, she finally succeeded in ending her life.

And I guess I don't understand. I know depression -- most of us at one point or another have been depressed and paralyzed into inaction, although most of us don't make it into hospitalization and eventually come out of it or get help.

It is hard. Changing, making changes is so hard. There are days, weeks, even months that are just slogging through the crap, putting one foot in front of the other, getting through and doing it all over again the next day. But it passes.

NOTHING lasts forever. EVERYTHING changes.

I'm trying to remember that as yet again I put my worry and concern into the great universe rather than keeping it close to me. I trust that the people I want to fix will find their paths, will be taken care of, will be offered choices, just as I have been. I pray that they have the courage and the strength to follow the paths that will help them lead the kind of life they say they want.

And I pray for the serenity to accept their choices.

A look back, continued

More 2007 observations:

More of looking back at 2007:

6. What was your biggest surprise? The universe provides what we need, and this summer we found new opportunities there for the taking, resulting in closing our real estate office.

7. What was the meanest thing you did? I told an old, meddling, nasty man,"F**% You!" In a meeting where there were people present who I don't know very well, if at all. I didn't whisper it, either. It bothers me only that I'm sure some of those people have a very negative impression of me now, when that is not the way I am. Hardly ever. But I'm also not sorry.

8. What was something you worried about that you don't worry about now? I worried about being able to get health insurance when ours -- and that of 8000 other Realtors -- was cancelled willynilly by Blue Shield. With Tony's job, we now have better and less expensive coverage. But I don't know that I'll ever really stop worrying about it -- I believe that health insurance companies are not our friends, ever.

9. What made you proud? My husband. With this career transition, he is traveling 500 miles a week back and forth to Chico, working hard and mostly cheerfully for a good company. It was quite a change from our four and a half years working together in our home office, and he's handled it like the professional he is.

10. Finally, describe a moment you want to remember. Last summer we visited Tony's hometown in Tennessee where he hadn't visited since the mid-'70s. It was full of nostaglic moments: visiting the graves of his grandparents and mother, seeing the houses he lived in, and the pines he'd planted some 40 years ago that are now towering over one of the homesteads. But a highlight was watching him talk with his high school debate coach and seeing the emotion ripple over his face first as the coach remembered Tony -- a thin, tall boy with lots of hair -- and then as he heard about long-ago friends, one of them at rest in the cemetery. It was very sweet-bittersweet.

So what was memorable about your 2007? Anything worth keeping?

O God of new beginnings...

and second chances

Here I am again.

I've had that saying hanging on my wall for probably some 14 years now, and I've given copies to friends and family over the years, including one to my brother. When I bought it at one of those mall craft festivals in Birmingham, it had reached out across the long mall walkways and smacked me upside the head:

You need me, Beth, to remind you. Every day, you need to be reminded that it is a fresh start, that I'm not done with you.

When Tony and I got married, we used that on our wedding invitations. It described so perfectly where we were in our lives and how grateful we are to have found each other and this new life for both of us.

When I got sick five+ years ago and recognized what an enormous part stress had played in that, we reminded ourselves about it again, and we started the ball rolling a little faster to get our house here built and ourselves moved into another new life, a new beginning in nearly every way.

My brother is filled today with the same feeling of second chances and new beginnings: he is home, he does not need surgery, there is no obvious reason for the seizure, and he has been tremendously affirmed in love and friendship by his colleagues and friends. He is ripe for change and growth, and immensely grateful to have been given another chance to do things better, and he is determined to do so.

Sometimes that's what we need: a smack upside the head from the universe. I kinda think we all get them from time to time, sort of a warning, but I don't know that we all pay attention to what they are when they happen.

I've gotten better as I've gotten older about paying attention: I know I repress stuff I don't want to think about, however, and just hope that when I finally get around to it that the consequences won't be too horrible. It would be better, yes, to deal with the fears and the insecurities and the issues when I get smacked the first time. Or even the second.

So here's another lesson in gratitude. Another reminder that it is never too late to change, to start anew, to get a better life. Another chance to love, to develop friendships, to learn to forgive yourself and others, to take care of yourself.

May you find your new beginnings and second chances today.

I finished Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. There are some lovely nuggets to remember in this book. It is about progress, not perfection, and I love that she's writing another book that picks up where this left off.

The universe is really busy ...

Oh, wow. There's a LOT more than just Mercury Retrograde going on in the universe.

Thanks to Diane Sylvan's blog, Dancing Down the Moon, for pointing the way to Lisa Dale Miller's interesting site with all the info about this full moon.