The Scintilla Project - Day 3

Today's prompts. I'm going with the first one.

1.Talk about a memory triggered by a particular song.

2. What's the story of the most difficult challenge you've faced in a relationship? Did you overcome it? What was the outcome?
 *******************

Several songs popped into my head when I read this prompt. Like most people, some of the best and worst moments of my life have a song associated with them.

I remember listening to the Moody Blues "Nights in White Satin" constantly during one particularly difficult time in college, driving my roommate practically to the point of homicide -- it was either me or that record, and one of us was not coming out of the room intact. "My Heart will go On" from the movie Titanic was the song that played constantly the winter that Tony and I met.

But the one that always makes me a little wistful is "Catch the Wind" by Donovan. It was summer of 1965, and my boyfriend and I were about to leave for college -- separate schools, his some 800 or so miles away (in North Carolina) from mine in northern Missouri.

We had a wonderful relationship, really. He was my first boyfriend -- two years in high school, and two plus, more or less, in college. We had a great time together and I learned to be more extroverted because of him: he was everyone's friend and a great dancer, talented writer, voracious reader, and I knew that if I was going to be with him, I had to overcome my own shyness.

And it was largely that relationship that clarified forever my beliefs about sexuality and love. One day during our senior year, he'd taken me out on the school lawn during lunch hour to confess that he was attracted to a boy in our choir and that they'd kissed. It wasn't that he didn't love me, but it was that also he loved the boy. And we talked about his feelings and my feelings and societal views and God's views (we were both very involved in our respective church youth groups -- me Methodist, him Presbyterian -- and often attended each other's church functions). As it evolved, we stayed together as boyfriend/girlfriend, and the boy was a part of the large group -- the Motley Horde, as we called ourselves -- that we socialized with.  I was okay with things as they were: to my knowledge, he and the boy were just friends after that confession.

The moment I remember best, though, at least in relation to the song, was sitting on the front steps of his house one hot late summer afternoon, and talking about our relationship and how being apart was likely to impact it.We talked about his bisexuality, as we understood it then, and about dating others, and about what we'd meant to each other. We quoted lyrics to each other (as only the young can do) from "Catch the Wind," teared up a little at them, held hands, and cuddled together for one of the last times before leaving. We knew college would change us; he was uncertain about his own sexuality and feelings, and warned me he couldn't promise me anything. Because I loved him, because I understood that he was speaking his conflicted truth, I accepted that. The song seemed to say everything about what we hoped for and wanted in a relationship, and yet how impossible it was to capture at that time in our lives.

Note: At one point in  college, he decided he wanted to marry me, and I agreed. That didn't happen, at least partly because eventually I figured out more clearly what I wanted from life and a mate. He has been in a loving, long-time relationship with a wonderful man, and they attended Tony's and my wedding. I will always love him for all that he meant to me then and all I learned from him.


"In the chilly hours and minutes
Of uncertainty
I want to be
In the warm hold of your lovin' mind.

To feel you all around me
And to take your hand
Along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

When sundown pales the sky
I want to hide a while
Behind your smile,
And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find.

For me to love you now
Would be the sweetest thing,
'T would make me sing,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

Diddy di dee dee diddy diddy,
Diddy diddy diddy dee dee dee.

When rain has hung the leaves with tears
I want you near to kill my fears,
To help me to leave all my blues behind.

For standin' in your heart
Is where I want to be
And long to be,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind. ~ Donovan, "Catch the Wind" (you can listen here)

Reverb11 - Day 26 - Gifts and music

#1 Prompt: Gift: Name one gift that 2011 gave you; what treasure came your way gift wrapped in experience, that (maybe in hindsight) you want to hold onto and place on display?

#2 Prompt: Music is powerful - Think of one song that you turn to time and again, and describe why it's important to you.

#1 -- I've already told you about reading Mary Oliver's poem "The Journey" late one dark and stormy night, and having its message hit me squarely in the head -- and in the heart. That's the gift I most treasure about 2011, the clear message that mine is the only life I can save. 

It's a gift that has two sides, however. It exempts me from the responsibility that I've tried so hard to assume of trying desperately to save my child , especially these last three+ years, because it is an impossible task. But it also frees me to look at what is left of my life and decide how I want to spend it without feeling guilty or responsible for the outcome of other people's choices -- hers or anybody else's.

(I suppose a more enlightened person would have figured all this out years ago, right?) While I understood intellectually that I am 'powerless over people, places and things,'  I still felt that somehow, if I worked hard at controlling her choices and monitoring her treatment and recovery, I could 'save' my child from a road she'd set out on through a combination of a few bad things happening to her, genetic predisposition, and some bad life choices.

The poem gobsmacked me upside the head, however, and since that amazing 'aha' moment, I have been able to let go of that need to control, and to allow her to travel whatever path she will. That doesn't mean I am not involved, but I finally accept that her life is not my responsibility, and I have been able to set boundaries for myself.

#2 -- Music. Indeed, it is powerful, evoking sadness, joy, beauty, power -- but I'll confess that I don't have a song that I turn to in crisis moments anymore.

 I often choose something classical -- I love the Saint Saens "Organ Symphony" (Symphony #3 in C Minor) with a really powerful pipe organ, for instance, and I also love parts of "The Planets" by Gustav Holst, especially the center section of "Jupiter" which was adapted as a hymn tune and is the melody to "I Vow to Thee, My Country," a very popular English hymn. I love that melody and can just get lost in the cello's voice as it sings. It is melancholy and sad and soaringly positive at the same time.

But there are times when I want the familiarity of the Grateful Dead -- the unique blend of drum, guitar, mandolin, bass, and raspy vocals that let me lose the moment and go back in time. I'm especially fond of "Terrapin Station," with the image of the 'spiral light of Venus rising first and shining best' and its 'rare and different tune.' But I also love other Robert Hunter lyrics with all his images of dark and light. One of them always speaks to where I find myself when I'm listening.

And then there is the high choral music that I love to listen to and used to love to sing:  from John Rutter arrangements and originals to Thomas Tallis and his 16th century anthems. Most choirs I sang with had a message somewhere in the choir room to the effect that 'He who sings prays twice,' and I found that to be so.

These choices are nothing new: they've been with me for many years now. Most new music -- at least that I've heard --  doesn't seem to have the profound messages of these (moldy oldie?) choices of mine.

Reverb11 - Day 9 -- Disappointment and Music

#1 - Disappointment - What was the one disappointment that has turned out to be a blessing in the last 12 months? How will this affect how you deal with disappointment in the future?

#2 - Music:  What song did you fall in love with this year? Was it an entire album? Did you listen to it on repeat? Share you relationship with the song and what it meant to you + made you feel

#1 --  Honestly, I don't remember a disappointment this year that was in fact a blessing, although I remember a bunch of disappointments.

The disappointment I DO remember best that turned out like this was 14 years ago when I was looking for a place to live in the SF Bay area, most especially somewhere on the coast because I wanted to be close to the ocean. On a long weekend visit from Birmingham, Ala., I'd searched for houses and apartments in Pacifica, Moss Beach, El Granada, Montara. That was during the height of the dot-com boom, and housing was spendy and hard to find, and I had a definite budget.

I found one, a big apartment in the back of a house that was surrounded by fragrant eucalyptus trees and even had a glimpse of the ocean. I wanted that house. And I didn't get it and was so devastated by that. What I did get was a sight-unseen one-bedroom  in a 12-unit building (the tenant was moving out but it couldn't be shown) with a big window that faced the ocean. As it turned out, that place was three blocks from where Tony, who I did not know existed, had just moved. Yeah, we 'might' have met if I'd gotten the other place, but not like we did -- a quick phone call and a walk down the street to the beach steps. What a  life-changing blessing that was!

When I am disappointed now, I try to just let it roll and trust that things will work out the way they should. We don't always see reasons for disappointments until long after they have happened. (And there are some I'm still waiting to discover...)

#2 -- Much as I love music, I don't think I discovered anything 'new' this year. When I listen, which honestly is mostly either in the car or in the dental chair (thank god for ipods and valium), I choose from the eclectic mix that I love: from Grateful Dead to John Rutter choral to the Organ Symphony by Saint-Saens to ABBA. Right now I'm listening to Christmas music, and I can't get enough of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's Christmas trilogy.

When I'm home, I rarely listen to music. My mother used to tell me she loved the silence, and I could NOT understand that -- I always had music on or the radio. I get it now: I love the leaves rustling and the birds chirping and the foot-falls of the deer on crunchy grass and the occasional 'mew' of one of the outdoor cats as they look through the sliding door screen. That's music for my soul.

Making downtime

I seldom stop doing stuff, even when I'm supposedly "relaxing" -- I fold clothes while I'm watching TV, or go through the stacks of magazines that accumulate by my bedside table or in baskets all over the house, or read the newspapers more thoroughly.

I'll watch Oprah or a movie while I'm cooking or cleaning the kitchen up, or ironing (something I don't often do, but with linen season upon us, the stuff just does better if it's ironed, even briefly).

My mother didn't sit still either, at least until painful osteoporosis forced her into a sedentary life. She sewed or ironed or read while she watched TV or clipped coupons, or something. So it's not odd that I do much the same.

And it's not even something I really MIND doing, usually -- it just needs doing, and for some of these chores, TV makes them more enjoyable.

But sit and read a book? Wow. Only if I'm sick, and then I'm usually really sick and sleeping, not reading. (Note: I read every day. I read the newspapers (two of 'em), I read magazines over lunch, and I have a huge stack of books beside the bed. I always -- ALWAYS -- read after I crawl into bed and before I turn out the light: it helps me transition into sleep, let go of the day and most stressors. Sometimes I can even stay awake long enough to read several chapters.)

But vacation is when I get to read as much as I want, or give myself permission to watch TV without doing something else. Last summer, when we went to Tennessee, I put a significant dent in the last Harry Potter book while we were visiting my brother, and plane trips -- irritating as they can be -- are hours when I get to read without the remotest hint of guilt.

We had a little taste of downtime this weekend when we visited a friend in Davis and went to see Phantom of the Opera in Sacramento. We wandered around Davis, visited the Arboretum, sat outside and enjoyed an al fresco lunch and then brunch today, and talked about nothing deep.

And Phantom was simply glorious, just as I remembered it being the first time I saw it on stage long ago in Nashville, Tenn. We reveled in the music -- played the CDs all the way to Davis -- and it's been playing again in my head all day today.

The weekend was wonderful. Restful, although not related to sleep -- which we did, and well, thankyouverymuch, but just in the down time. Being away from the little things that call to me all the time at home -- do a load of laundry, check the garden, wipe down the sink, clean the kitty fountain, organize the desk -- you know. Being away from the lure of e-mail and Web browsers, from notes that need to get written into articles.

Honest-to-god down time.

We've got a longer escape planned for later, and it shouldn't require doing anything other than watching ocean waves and reading the Jodi Picoult novel I've been saving for such an occasion. I can't wait.

Meanwhile, there's a laundry basket full of clothes that need to be folded. Let me check what's on the DVR...

Slow it down!

December is flying by -- it's like the wind that's been around here for several days is urging the sun to scoot across the sky and night to come more quickly.

Our days are shrinking -- slightly less than two weeks and we'll be at the shortest day of the year, the Winter Solstice. And then it's a rush to the New Year. At least days will begin lengthening again as we continue with the second half of winter.

It's not that I mind winter. I rather like the cold days, the clouds, the rain and wind. It makes me want to curl up with a book, cat in my lap, and sip tea while I read something delectably trashy. (Like I've allowed myself THAT particular luxury... ha!)

And I don't miss the sunshine much. We have so much of it in the summers that I like to soak up the clouds and cool.

No, it's that the days go by so quickly, with sunrise at 7:20-something, and sunset before 5.

I've also been knee-deep in deadlines, as if merely accomplishing Christmas tasks weren't enough -- and they've taken second place to the other deadlines. There are no cookies nor breads baked, nothing is wrapped -- very little has been purchased or done, and what's going to be mailed has gotta be ready in a week. I did get a few decorations up yesterday so it looks festive, and we've been enjoying Christmas music immensely.

A word on that: the Trans-Siberian Orchestra has a couple of Christmas CDs out that are just dynamite played on a good system -- they're good regardless, but we've enjoyed them even more with new equipment.

Do you remember the Christmas lights video of a couple of years ago? That was set to one of the Trans-Siberian cuts, "Wizard in Winter." The creator of the lighting display has done several more since, actually creating a company as a result of the popularity of this display.

Anyway, the music is quite fun.

So I always have good intentions of making gifts -- sewing, or taking photos, or baked goods -- and sometimes I actually do it -- but I don't think this is the year for much. I think I'll get a little baking done, but not a lot -- and we don't need it anyway. I'll send fudge and maybe a couple of other things..

The wind has been really wild and is supposed to get more so tonight, I gather. And yet the leaves are still clinging to the trees like fleas to a dog! They're ugly and brown and tired, and yet they still hang on. I guess we need a hard rain and more wind to help them let go.

I suppose we cling to old ways like that, hanging on until they're shriveled without a speck of moisture or life left. Takes a hard rain -- or the cheese moving -- to make us let go so that the new leaves can be nourished, and eventually bud and furl out in the spring. And that will come all too soon, I know, blowing in with the wind.

Once more I'm trying to stay in the moment and not obsess over what is undone or unwrapped or unpurchasd or yet to be sorted. It's a daily effort, isn't it.

Listen to music. Savor the moment. Enjoy the friendships. Stay in touch with family. The rest of it just isn't as important as all that. Cookies can be purchased. Gifts don't have to be extravagant, nor even perfect -- everyone I know enjoys the intangible gifts of the season more than the purchased ones anyway. Oh, I've got things I must do -- but I'm going to have fun along the way too.

Music hath charms to sooth... and soar

There are some pieces of music that just make my heart and soul soar. They're the ones you just can't stop listening to, that you hum along with, move your hands to, move your body to -- you just can't help moving, and there is no question of multi-tasking. They run non-stop in your head, sometimes for days. You gotta stop and listen.

One of my favorites is "Jupiter, the Bringer of Jollity" from Holst's The Planets Suite. Most especially I love the middle section that begins about 3 minutes into it, also known as the hymn "I Vow to Thee My Country." The cellos (I think)-- or in a symphonic band arrangement, the French horns -- glide through this soul-singing, soaring melody and then it's repeated by the rest of the orchestra. Alas, this part goes all too quickly. On my CD player I usually go back and replay that section at least once more.

It's worth noting on this one that Princess Diana loved the center hymn too. I Vow to Thee My Country was played at both her wedding and her funeral. There are several versions on YouTube as well that feature it with the words.

Another is what's known as the Organ Symphony written by Camille Saint-Saens. It's Symphony #3 and the last part of it, the Maestoso and the Allegro, is one of those goose-bumpy ones that you want to play at top volume. The organ floats all the way through it, but really blows it out in this last. Amazon has a sample -- it's No. 8 on Disc 2.

Actually this is one of my favorite dentist-chair CDs. I can let it blast through my ears and don't even hear the drill. (Okay, almost...)

Not a classical piece, but another one that grabs me by the throat lately is You Raise Me Up -- okay, it's sort of schmaltzy, but it does for me now what Wind Beneath My Wings used to do back when it was first introduced. I like how both reflect our inter-dependence with each other. It speaks to the best parts in us when we love and help and support each other. Oh, I'm quite capable of standing on my own two feet and making my own destiny -- which has been a criticism of the lyrics -- but I believe that when we love and share our dreams and our lives that we all become "more than *I* can be."

Classical music probably makes me swoon the most, but in my past lives there are several songs to which I've listened over and over and over...and over...

Nights in White Satin by the Moody Blues. This one came out when I was in college and it just fit with that semi-depressed state college students so often live in. Those, of course, alternate with the semi-manic states where you stay up all night writing intense research papers on intense writers like Dylan Thomas or T.S. Eliot -- which then lead back to the semi-depressed state. Y'know what I mean? I know I drove my roommate crazy listening to this on our stereo. (There. It's been a REALLY long time since I was in college. Nobody listens to stereos anymore and haven't for years.)

Catch the Wind by Donovan. I'll never hear this without remembering my high school boyfriend. We both loved this song by the gravelly-voiced singer -- the Brits' version of Bob Dylan -- and while it wasn't "our song," it might as well have been since it's the one that always evokes his memory for me. Our relationship lasted into college despite the hundreds of miles and two states that separated us. We reconnected in more recent years, and he and his life partner and Tony and I have shared several meals and good visits. They even came to our wedding!

There are a bunch of choral music pieces that I love, although few that make me swoon. I like most of John Rutter, especially his Te Deum and Requiem pieces, but he has some lovely arrangements of traditional Christmas carols and familiar hymns that are a little different and beautifully melodic.

I like the Brahm's How Lovely is Thy Dwelling Place very much, especially the big swell at the end. It's fun to sing.

I'll probably think of a dozen more as soon as I hit publish -- but I'll keep a list and do this again.

My head is full of lovely music tonight. Who needs an iPod?

Last of the season

That would be Redding's Broadway series season...the last play of this series was tonight. It was Cats, that wonderful Andrew Lloyd Webber musical based on TS Eliot's Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats.

I think I've seen this play about five times now and each time it's been a little different. It was in Redding a few years ago too, and we agreed that that production was better than the one tonight. It seemed like there were a lot of glitches -- slight, but there -- and the actors simply didn't transform well into cats through their mannerisms and expressions, with a couple of notable exceptions.

The Growltiger sequence is one of my favorites, and Growltiger and Griddlebone were simply wonderful, posturing all over the stage, singing fake Italian opera beautifully. But the attack by the Siamese just didn't have much effect -- no bright blue eyes, no sampans and junks. It seemed fairly unchoreographed.

Mr. Mistoffelees, the magical cat, wasn't very. Oh, he was glittery and could dance, but I've seen productions where he does magic tricks, entertaining the audience far more than merely spinning and jumping.

All that taken into account, I still just loved it. It is imaginative, the music is wonderful and tells these cute stories, the singing is marvelous-- and Grisabella's Memory was just knock-your-socks-off tonight.

The lithe, flexible, young bodies that prance and pounce and slide and slink all over the stage send a youthful energy into the audience, and while you know they're not cats, they ARE young people having a wonderful time.

Some of the cats tonight reminded me very much of my own cats -- especially Grizabella, who limps, is tattered and tired. Our little grey Hermione -- always the most fragile of the kitties -- is not doing well. Her back legs don't work right, she's lost weight, her eyes are nearly blind, and she valiantly goes from one place to another, simply resting where she is when her legs fail. I cuddle her daily and talk to her, and she responds -- and just when I think I'll find her dead, she appears at the back door, stretching up on the screen and asking for her wet food (she's the only one who gets it). Both Grizabella and Hermione are little fighters, survivors in spite of difficulty.

There were bits and pieces of McMurphy and Cheswick, the much loved, very pampered inside boys, in various of the characters. And we recognized character traits of Weasley, the affable ginger manx, and staid Lulu too, along with skittish little Muggle who has become even more of a recluse.

It was a nice evening. We will look forward to the new season in September -- it's always a treat to go.

Too many words...not enough time

My head has been full of blog ideas but there simply hasn't been time to put fingers to keyboard and get them down!

Some good things:
...today is Valentine's Day and this is the 10th one I've spent with my honey. What an incredible blessing he is! We are my favorite fairy tale...we knew from the first day we met that we were intended to be together, and while many things have changed in our lives, that love and caring and cherishing has only become deeper.

... the universe works in amazing ways. Just a day after the last post, we got a phone call from friends of some 15-20 years that we'd lost touch with...we had been thinking very intently of them and tried to find them on the Internet; they'd been doing the same. It's been two years and a big move for them since we were in touch -- and we will see them this summer when we visit the South!

... we are concentrating very hard on what we need and want for business this year, and I'm working to focus on the joy and gratitude in every situation, every event, rather than any negative feelings. It does make a difference.

...the Air Force Band concert this last weekend was simply wonderful. One piece -- Holst's "The Planets" and specifically the "Jupiter" selection -- inspired me to order the full CD from Amazon, and I have it in hand as well as another long ago favorite, "Pictures at an Exhibition." I'll have hours of pleasure from those two, and they will make the next dental cleaning event more easily endured.

More later...errands have gone from "whenever" to "gotta do it" status.