#Reverb 14, Day 8

1. The hectic pace of our lives can make it difficult to remain connected to the things and the people that matter the most to us. We get wrapped up in our work or our busyness and connection falls by the wayside. 

How have you created and/or sustained connections in your life this year?

2. Hero: Who was your hero this year? Tell us why. What makes a hero in your eyes?

1. This is a blessing of retirement, I think -- to be able to spend time when and how and with whom you want. And yet there are still friends I seldom see or talk to, not because I don't want the connection, but because we get caught up in routines and travel and simply don't follow through. 

Friendship requires intention to sustain no matter what age we are, or to what degree our 'busy-ness' takes over our lives. When I was younger, I still found time to be with friends, to write letters or call (since there was no email nor cell phones back in the olden days). Not sure how I did it, but I made the time because it was important to do so.

Facebook has been a wonderful way for me to maintain some connection with friends I don't see or talk with  ear-to-ear very often, to strengthen some familial ties that have never been strong because of great distance between our homes, and even to nurture friendships that are much more local. This year I got to see a cousin I hadn't seen in, oh, more than 40 years, in great part because of the connection we'd established through Facebook! I try not to be a nuisance by reposting too much stuff, but making my comments personal. By reading posts and seeing pictures, I can get a much better idea of what is going on in the lives of some friends, what they like and don't like, and learn a lot about them. That is fun and interesting, and I hope they feel the same way about what I post!

The new reiki study and practice group that I began attending early this year has been the best new connection, however, meeting monthly but often connecting more than that through a FB group and/or meeting for a reiki session. Most of the members are new friends for me, and I am loving getting to know them better both through our meetings and classes, but also through our FB group and their pages. 

Social media can be a total pain and too much of an obsession, but it also can really help build connections when used responsibly and honestly. 

I still like sending emails (seldom snail mail any more), though, and for the past several years have sent a brief email five days a week to a few family members and friends (added at their request) just to stay in touch and let them know I'm thinking of them every day. I always include a quote that either I need to hear or think they do. I don't expect a reply from any of them, but occasionally get a response that lets me know my correspondence is appreciated. It's sort of like a little prayer for each of them as I send it -- and it blesses me too. 

And I've gotten a few snail mail cards from friends and/or family too, non-birthday ones, that have made me feel loved and blessed. It may be old-fashioned, but there can be a real pleasure in re-reading a note or a card that sits on your table or desk. I'd like to be more intentional about sending those this next year.

2. While I hadn't thought of her as a 'hero,' I have a friend and teacher and neighbor who has been such a wonderful friend and mentor and teacher to me this year especially.  Jessie Woods is a local business owner (The Gold Exchange) who is usually at the forefront of any downtown business promotion, but also is an incredibly creative and generous person who gives her time, expertise, and money to charitable causes, and sponsors several of them. 

She is also a reiki master and my teacher, and has donated space for our reiki group to meet and practice. And she has been right there for me every time I have asked for help with healing mind or spirit, even when I know she has been busy with meetings and her own business. 

She puts her beliefs and words into generous and thoughtful actions in a way I've seldom seen. And her example makes me want to donate my money and energy to others, to be kind and available when I'm asked for help, and to live my own beliefs in a positive and helpful way.

I am so grateful for her example and presence in my life and in our town, and for her leadership and generosity in establishing our reiki study group. We are all blessed who participate in it, and who know her.  Jessie makes a difference in the lives of many people in our area, and she inspires me to be kinder, more generous, and to keep learning and growing. Thank you, my friend.

Reverb 11--Day 16--Writing and Community

#1 Prompt: Passion: How has writing helped you grow in 2011? In what ways would you like to invite more writing into your life in 2012?

#2 Prompt: A Community I Love - Online & IRL we're all part of a multitude of communities.  Tell us about one that moves you.

#1 -- After Reverb10, I was inspired to move the writing up a notch and begin to think about what kind of book I want to write. Well, that fizzled out, and I did not even write in the blog as much as I'd intended, at least until Dec. 1 when I began Reverb11. Clearly I need to have a better plan. Better intention Better execution. 

Nonetheless, I'm a writer, no matter how often or not I post something here. And I'm a reader too-- actually, I can't imagine being a writer without being a reader -- and I did read a lot more this year, intentionally. By thinking of how a story flows together, what works and what doesn't, how I respond to dialogue and description, I become a better writer myself. 

We joined the Redding Writers Forum in January and learn from the monthly programs as well as just hearing about who is publishing and where. And we both read some of our work aloud during Read-Around sessions -- inviting comments from the audience. 

 We'll keep going to the Writers Forum in 2012 and reading the two writing magazines we now subscribe to, plus several books about writing I've got on my iPad and also in paper. I'll keep writing in my blog, perhaps using prompts of some sort at least weekly -- there are so many out there to choose among, and that is good discipline. And I'll keep reading.

#2 -- I really love my Facebook community, trite as that may seem. Through FB, I've learned more about some newer friends, and we've made a conscious effort to connect at least monthly in person as a result, bringing some real treasures into my life. It's deepened connections to other friends because I get to see and hear what's in their lives more regularly than phone calls or even getting together can do,  and expanded at least a little my contact with friends from long ago. (Disclaimer: I'm pretty selective about who I choose to see my information and pictures and posts, and that makes a big difference in how I use FB, to be sure.)

I've reconnected with several cousins on both sides of my family who for years have been mostly fading memories and addresses in my Christmas card list. While I still can't say that I 'know' them, at least there are some pictures of them now (I'm talking decades of not seeing a couple of them, and now that our parents are gone, I don't even get the bits of news my mother used to tell me.) So I get to share a little about what their lives are, and they get to see some of mine. That's a big step towards a family reunion one of these days. 

Certainly that connection was what alerted to me that one cousin was in a life crisis back in April, and even though I'd seen him a handful of times since we were children, I really don't know him. But there is this family bond, a connection of shared memories. (I wrote about that time here and here.) And I've sent him a brief e-mail most days ever since, just a few sentences, usually with some kind of quotation. I don't hear back from him much, but I understand from another cousin that he's doing better.  That makes me so grateful for him and for our strange, interesting family ties.

FB has its share of criticism and problems. Any community does, virtual or face-to-face. But it sure works for me.

Telling the truth

Truth: the true or actual state of a matter.

That's not so hard, is it. The actual state of a matter.

And yet we avoid it, we lie about it, we cover it up, we find ways to pretend it doesn't exist.

No, folks, this is not a political post. I'm just pondering truth these days and why it is so hard to acknowledge it.

Medical conditions, for instance. Why is it that we will avoid going to the doctor, gloss over a symptom, tell ourselves that no, that really wasn't a lump but muscle; no, that really wasn't anything but indigestion; no, the sharp pain in the leg is just because we overdid it.

Acknowledging the truth of the situation can save a life, ease pain, forestall greater harm.

Or why do we avoid friends and family, avoid telling them what is really going on with us, acknowledge to them that what they said hurt, that we really don't like them very much, that we are uncomfortable when they party too much?

Is it embarrassment for ourselves or for the other person? Co-dependence -- we don't want them to worry about us? Fear -- that actually knowing the truth is scarier than pretending nothing is wrong? That knowing then makes it real and we have to deal with the consequences?

And yet the truth eventually comes to light, doesn't it, and we deal with the issue AND the avoidance.

I hate not knowing the truth. My mind is capable of creating immensely complex, terrifying consequences when I'm not hearing anything from my daughter -- despite repeated phone messages and calls. So far, at least in similar situations in the past, the truth hasn't been nearly as stressful as the scenarios I've imagined (may that continue!) But goodgollygeewhiz, I dread the ice weasel parties that are in the planning stages, and the subsequent sleeplessness and stress.

And I don't understand why the lack of communication, the lack of truth.

I have a huge dental phobia -- I don't even like getting my teeth cleaned, and I confess I'm avoiding it right now. I don't want to offend anyone (like the hygenist), but it hurt last time. And I guess I don't want to be judged as a complete and total wimp, and far too old to behave that way at the dentist -- so I don't say anything when I finally DO get in the chair.

And yet who does my lack of truth hurt? Me.

How many of us have hesitated to go the the doctor because we're afraid something is wrong? Denied feeling depressed and worried when we really feel like hiding under the bed and never coming out? Put on a happy face to the world when we're clearly NOT okay?

Who does the truth hurt? Ourselves.

My mother insisted that we tell the truth: she hated lies, and always punished the lie far more severely than she ever did the truth, no matter how bad. I hate lying too -- tell me any truth, but never lie to me if you care about me. Once lost in a lie, trust is nearly impossible to regain.

I don't have any brilliant, insightful conclusions here. I'm just feeling sad about how we deceive ourselves, sad about the sometimes hard consequences of such denials. Worried over lack of communication of the truth, whatever it may be. Fearful of those unknowns. And always trying to balance honesty and truth with compassion and kindness ...

The truth shall set you free. Free to take care of yourself properly, to live honestly, to be who you are without apology. I think I'll make that cleaning appointment in the morning.

Relief: finally, communication

The ice weasels are sleeping for the time being; long, quiet sleeps under many layers of ice. And I am grateful.

I talked for some time today to our oldest daughter -- she called me, even -- and feel deep gratitude that she is, as I'd hoped and pretty much expected, all right. Working, in a larger, less expensive place. Okay. She is okay. Thanks be.

Yes, I knew the ice weasels were doing their gloom-and-doom dance even as they stomped, but it is good to hear her voice and the things she said and didn't say but that I heard anyway. I've asked her to commit to talking or e-mailing weekly. I hope it will happen.

And I'm just bone tired. I can feel the worry and fear almost physically leave, even though there always will be a little teensy kernel there. But for now, she's safe, she's talking, she's doing better.

And next week my brother and sister-in-law visit for a couple of days, so I get a good dose of family to keep my heart happy. I heard from my Indiana best friend forever, and from one of my cousins too. I am grateful for the warmth and love their words bring me, and the sense of connection that had felt all too tenuous these past few days.

So life goes on.

Sleep in peace, surrounded by warmth and love and angels. I will tonight, thanks be.

Talk to me

Some days you're the bug. Some days you're the windshield. Today was a windshield day.

Expectations. We all have them in some form, whether it is of ourselves or of others. They come from so many sources, from so many influences in our lives, beginning when we are tiny, dependent on our parents for food and shelter and emotional nurturing. We're taught how to get what we want partly by watching how others get what THEY want.

Like this: if mom is manipulative and martyristic in order to get what she wants, chances are the kids are going to grow up emulating at least some of her behaviors. If mom works hard, tries to be fair, is honest and ethical, guess what. Some of that is going to rub off too. Even in adulthood we watch how others get promoted or rewarded, and emulate those behaviors -- which can account for the intensely political culture found in most of corporate America. Or, truly, in just about any job situation.

We want to please others in order to be rewarded with approval, with love, with affection, raises, whatever. We need to meet expectations in order to do that. And when it all gets totally FUBAR is when we don't know what those expectations really are, and those who have 'em aren't telling us, won't communicate with us, perhaps don't even really know themselves exactly what they expect.

What we know is that we failed to meet whatever they were, and we're gonna get punished: someone stops speaking, there is a bad performance review, reputations are smeared, relationships deteriorate.

For me, my inner judge holds a big fat hairy session in which I am always, ALWAYS found guilty and wanting.

Okay, at least I recognize it and I'm better at keeping the judge in his chambers than I used to be. (But sometimes he talks really loudly through the door.)

And even then, there's a vague uneasiness that hangs over me, a feeling that there should have been something I could have, should have, would have done better that would have met those unarticulated expectations and made it all better.

In truth, the only person I can fix is me. I don't read minds. If I don't know what someone expects, my chances of success are about as good as being able to compose a symphony by throwing rocks at a piano in a dark room.

Clear, honest, open communication can be hard to listen to sometimes, but it is so far preferable to hidden agendas and disappointment, and all the angst that can bring on. It can take a long time to recover regardless of whether you're the one who didn't get them met or the one who didn't meet them. And if you can't talk about it to figure out what happened, nobody wins. Ever.

Tomorrow starts with a clean windshield again. But I feel pretty spattered up tonight.