Powerless over others' actions

A recurring theme in these now years of blog posts has been letting go of issues that are not mine to deal with: acknowledging that we are all powerless over people, places, and things, and then letting them go, putting the responsibility where it belongs -- which is not on ME.

I keep working on doing that. And I keep working on not worrying about the outcome of others' actions, and to not feel (or act on) the great need to step in front of that speeding train to keep them safe.

Some days I am more successful than others.

According to one astrology site, a change is coming this week. Hard as change can be, it needs to happen for me.

Not that I want drastic, awful, horrible death-in-the-family change, please, oh please not. Just a shift towards the positive, towards good growth and constructive actions.

And more letting go of things and situations that I am not responsible for, that I cannot cure, that I cannot control. Trying to manage my own thoughts and actions and life is enough: I am not responsible for the outcome of others' choices.

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Spring is springing. Our harbinger tree began leafing out this last weekend (right on time) which means that the other trees will soon bud into green life. We've had daffodils springing up here and there for a couple of weeks now, and many flowering trees (some of which lost lots of blossoms in the cold and wind we've had recently) but the little tree that unfurls its greenness first has always been our true indicator of spring.

While I do enjoy the lovely mild temperatures and the pretty green grasses that make this area so beautiful in the spring, I can't help thinking about the heat that I know will follow all too soon, and I confess that I prefer the woodstove, the rain, and the green grasses -- even the weeds -- to the crispy brown fields and searing 110-degree days that are always a part of our summer.

Our weeds are definitely thriving too -- we have not yet done the spring RoundUp blitz that beats them back from the house and along the driveway, and need to do so. If I can just go out for 10 minutes each day and pull weeds, it'll help: we're now past the stage where they are little sprouts that would hardly be seen once hit by the weed killer, and into full bushy mode, where they'd lay in dead heaps on the ground and REALLY look crappy.

Rhubarb is coming up in the (also weedy) garden but I'm not ready to think about getting into the garden just yet, nor about the plants in the pots close to the house. Later.

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I'm not doing well on my intention to write a book so far; some better on taking care of myself. I'm loving my weekly yoga class and can feel strength building in legs and core -- I only wish we had it twice weekly but am grateful for even this. Loving the monthly massages that so slow me down and release the bad kinks.

It takes time to break bad habits too, and I'm working on that -- most especially the one about letting things go. I'm grateful for time and security to do that. It will come, just as those hot days of summer will come. Meanwhile, we take things one day at a time -- doing all we can, where we are, with what we've got.

Back to more normal fare

and off the politics, at least for now.

Yesterday I made a big pot of minestrone and another of chili in preparation for our brief return to cool, wet weather this week -- although the forecast indicated that the rain would begin yesterday afternoon and become heavy this morning.

Guess what. As of 9:30 a.m. local time, we have had barely a drop. Lots of wind going on now but no rain yet.

We'd planned to RoundUp the driveway and street frontage, but hated to see the expensive stuff literally washed away, so postponed it yet another week. Turns out we probably would have been fine -- but you go on forecasts. So we busied ourselves inside instead, with laundry, more paper pitching in the office, and finally putting together my new jewelry workbench.

But back to minestrone.

A few weeks ago the USA magazine that is in Sunday newspapers had a recipe for minestrone, and it sounded good and easy so I tried it. And it is both. Nearly any veggie will work; it is practically no fat (a little olive oil), and chock full of healthy stuff. Yesterday I used some frozen veggies including some of my frozen zucchini, the remainder of a head of cabbage, and the usual onion-celery-garlic trio. I used some chicken bouillion too since I didn't have two full quarts of vegetable broth. Served with a sprinkle of parmesan, it is a satisfying meal. And I love that it is so healthy.

Everyone makes chili differently. R uses canned spaghetti sauce in hers, so I tried it this week with a can of garlic/herb sauce, also adding a large can of diced tomatoes. It's thick and tomato-y, not very authentic, of course, but with plenty of garlic and onion and chili powder, plus kidney beans (from dried) and ground beef. Like the soup, it will get even better as the flavors blend. But with some fat-free saltines, carrots and celery sticks, it made a nice Sunday evening meal.

The trees are sporting vividly green leaves, daffodils are blooming, and spring has definitely come -- but I am not yet ready to let go completely of winter and really look forward to the cool and rainy weather that is supposed to be coming. We head into April this week, and we've already seen temperatures of 80+. I'm just not looking forward to those blazing blast-furnace days of 110 degrees that our summers always include. If we can ease into it over the next two months with cool temps at night, a bit of rain here and there, and nothing too far over 80, I'd love it.

Healing

I've been in physical therapy three times a week since my cast came off, and a sturdy brace when I leave the house (or overuse the wrist at home). It's definitely getting better and stronger. So am I, mentally and emotionally.

It amazes me how big an impact this injury had on me in every way, not just physically. I suppose that is part of the aging process, but I think it also is becoming more aware of how every part of your body and mind affects every other part: injury to body or spirit is injury to both.

I'm grateful that the wrist is healing well and that I have as much mobility as I do even now, and that is with much more therapy to come. I'm grateful for competent medical facilities and doctors and therapists, and grateful that we can afford healthcare.

I continue to be outraged at the struggle to get a healthcare bill passed in the Congress, however, and at the callous disregard of so many Congressional representatives for the "little" people in our country -- those who do not have insurance and who cannot afford it or who cannot qualify for it under the dictatorship of our insurance companies.

In e-mail, I received a missive titled 'How to Fix Congress,' and while I have respect for the elected office, I am more disillusioned about the ethics and simple humanity of the people who occupy Congressional seats. While the suggestions in this idea will never happen, it certainly might improve life for hundreds of thousands of Americans if it did -- not, however, Congress.

Spring begins officially on Saturday, but our harbinger tree started popping its leaves last week, even amid the copious hail that whitened the ground and collected in the hollows last Monday, and that dropped our temperatures abruptly to the upper 40s. We had bits of sunshine but cooler temperatures. This week we will have days in the 70s, which will pop out all the leaves. It's not the end of rain and cool here, but it likely will slow down. I'm not ready for warm again quite yet -- I really relish the woodstove fires and the cool, rainy days. At least we've had a lot of rain this winter, unlike the last several, which I hope will help cut down on the wildfires this summer.

Friends and family are still struggling with health or business issues, and it is hard to hear and to see because there really is nothing more that any of them can do than what they are already doing. I know economic recovery is supposed to be happening, but it sure hasn't hit people I care about yet, or at least it doesn't appear to be enough to turn around faltering businesses. I guess it is just one day at a time for all of us. What more can you do?

Easter is approaching too, and while it has been a long time since I was part of a church, it is still a time for new beginnings and second chances -- new life, renewal, rebirth.
Spring cleaning is no accident -- washing windows, cleaning closets and -- yes -- offices to sort through the old and broken and unused, cleaning out the clutter.

Works with life too -- that clutter and sorting. I'm deep into Martha Beck again, this time Steering By Starlight, and her words are all about finding your own stargazer, the part of you that is your true self. It is a challenge to read, but food for the mind and the soul.

Winter

Rain is drumming a cadence on the metal porch roof again and it's back to more seasonal temps after more than a week of temps in the 60s and even low 70s. There's a fire in the woodstove warming the house (and the lazy cats) and I intend to get out of the office in a few minutes to join them in coziness.

We've had a good season of rain this year and the grass has been plentiful, along with the weeds. The deer are fat and happy. I'm grateful for every drop.

I get my cast off Friday and then we'll see what happens with my wrist. Meanwhile, I've attended to other health concerns which so far have proven to be minor. May that continue.

We've enjoyed vicarious winter sports and snow through the Olympics and enjoy our weekly HBO/ Showtime series plus a few on network tv -- guilty pleasures all, but a nice way to spend an evening. Wish I could say I'm ready to get outside and work, but I'm not, really.

My thoughts and to-do lists seem to be full of "I need to..." rather than "I want to" or "I am looking forward to," encompassing everything from tidying the den to continuing to clean and organize the office to cleaning the cat box. I need to clean out every drawer in the house and organize and sort throug the bits that find their way into silverware and bathroom meds and kitchen linen storage areas. I need to make more hummer food for the wee birds that are seeking sustenance now and then, even in the cold and wet. I need to pull the weeds from the walk near the front door, even if we RoundUp soon, because they're growing fast and thick. I need to climb on the treadmill every day, even if only for 10 minutes. My 'need to" list is neverending.

I'd rather have a 'need to' list that would include reading at least three chapters from a good book every day, or polishing my nails regularly or taking naps more often or writing here at least once a week instead of once or twice a month, if that. I think I spend so much time thinking of the 'need to' list that I never get it done completely and I always put 'want to' things at the end of the 'need to' one.

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I'm still obsessing over healthcare, at least somewhat, since I've been calling doctors and hospitals to figure out what we really owe, and checking on our benefits. I am grateful to have insurance at all, but we have been simply floored by the amounts billed and the amounts allowed and the amounts paid. Anthem has a phrase on their Web site as well as on their customer service lines -- both recorded and then repeated when a rep gets on the line with you -- that runs pretty much like this: Benefits are subject to the terms, conditions, limitations and exclusions in your coverage. Benefits are subject to change.

I learned in one conversation with a rep yesterday that my mammogram, for instance, which is supposed to be covered at 60% (unless I have a coupon from Healthy Checkup, which I'd not heard about), is in fact not covered at 60%. It depends upon the deductible that has been met, the provider's number, and the billing code. And then I learned that in some instances, such as when it is performed at a hospital, you are billed both by the facility and the imaging contractor. It is no wonder that the uninsured don't seek preventive healthcare. At least my bills reflect some discount through the insurance companies.

And did you see the brouhaha that resulted from Anthem's rate hike announcement? Not only is the hike the subject of federal investigation, it has largely been responsible for a renewed interest in healthcare reform. And Anthem isn't the only guilty party: see here for more.

Dealing with this stuff is necessary, and I've learned you must question and watch. But fun it is not.

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I feel like I've been on hold since the first of the year. I have more energy now, I don't hurt anymore, I'm healing. But I'm ready for something positive, something fun. Don't know what that is just yet.

And my friends and family are still struggling with their own issues of money, health, fear, security, loss. I say prayers for them every day -- but I also never fail to say thank you to the Universe for my own blessings.

One of them just crawled into my lap for a snuggle. He's getting it.=^^=

Catching up

Did you know that more than 50,000 landline phone customers lost service on Thursday in parts of the SF Bay Area? AND cell phones. AND Internet. More here....

Sounds like we need Jack Bauer, Tony says. The news article says it was not terrorism and wasn't disgruntled union members, but it sure sounds like the perps knew what they were doing. A little disconcerting, I'd say.

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We finally got two burn piles taken care of today -- one big one that's had brush and branches and old wood heaped on it for at least three years, and a smaller one with garden debris. Beautiful sunny day after some nice rain the last couple of days. The garden isn't planted yet, but I've tilled deep and dug up all sizes of rocks. I swear this soil grows 'em. I rake out and pick out hundreds both spring and fall every year, but the tiller just pulls up more.

I'll plant early this next week -- lettuce, spinach, chard, maybe even peas, although I'm a little late for that -- but I'm not putting in tomatoes yet. Everything I read tells me that 'maters like warm soil, and that ones put in May 15 will soon catch up to those put in two or more weeks earlier. I'm also going to refresh my pots -- I think one of rosemary has seen better days, the lavender is not looking good, and I need some new herbs too. It'll be trips to Walmart and Home Depot for me this week.

I'll have some extra time on my hands too, since one of my regular freelance gigs is coming to an end with tomorrow's paper. That was a story every week, at least, plus photos, sometimes more. I will miss doing all those interviews, though -- I met some interesting people and learned about so many new things.

But I'm thinking about doing some selling on eBay -- stuff we have, but also looking at doing some bargain hunting and reselling, or maybe some consignments. Maybe not quite as steady an income, at least at first, but I know people make money doing it. And I do like shopping for bargains!

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I'm also driving to Redding five days a week for rehearsals! I'm going to play Clairee in "Steel Magnolias," at the Riverfront Playhouse. It opens May 23 and closes June 20, with performances Fridays, Saturdays and Sunday matinees.

This is the third time I've been in the play -- once as M'Lynn, the mother; once as Ouiser, the rather crotchety millionaire; and this time as Clairee, the 'grand dame' of the town and somewhat more elegant. I like her, although I'm still working on how to play her, and trying to recall all the Southern women I knew in Birmingham, especially some of the ones who were in my book club there -- they were "old money," many of them, and lived in the ritzy area of town, and we often met at country clubs. It was fun, they were very interesting women, and it certainly was a social sphere I wasn't in.

But the play celebrates women's friendships, and I love it. I like the movie too, but the play is better. I'm excited about being in it, and also excited that my daughter R is playing Truvy, the hairdresser! She's a little young for the part, but the director liked her, and I'm very pleased to be in another play with her. We did a few things together when I lived in Birmingham. She hasn't been in a play for maybe 10 years -- her job in Alabama was not conducive to other activities -- and while I did The Vagina Monologues just a few months ago, it's been a while since I was either.

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It's Easter weekend, so I always think about lots of church services and Easter dinners -- good memories. One year my friend Julie hosted dinner, and I brought stuff too, but for dessert she had made a bunny cake using a mold, with the whole bunny, not just the face. It was frosted and sprinkled with coconut, on a bed of green coconut grass with other little candy eggs and maybe even some flowers, but at the rear end, she had placed little black jelly beans. We laughed until we cried, and even now, some 20 years later, we always talk about it.

Blessings of rebirth, renewal, and spring to all of you. It is always a miracle to witness.

Struggling for balance

and I don't mean the stay-upright kind (although that too is hard for me!)

Mostly I've covered all my current worries in another post, a little over a month ago.

Same old, same old. Different day.

Predictably, one is going back to live with her abusive BF -- in another few months, she says, to "make sure" the changes she thinks she sees are real. (He's in counseling and going to AA meetings, she says) We've covered everything there is for us to say in many previous conversations. And what she apparently doesn't realize is that our perception of the guy is more than 90% based on things she's told us over the last 31/2 years!

The other -- she's trying to learn how to live a completely different life, and to no one's surprise, is having a hard time with it. Problem is that you don't make friends worth having quickly: you have to work at it, and it takes time. The friends you make quickly are usually out to get whatever they can out of YOU. Couple that with new meds, probably too much alone time, and her sister moving out, and it doesn't make for happy days. She's not able to work right now -- both good and bad to that, and I'm also handling her finances, so she feels very dependent (which she is) and hates that too, understandably.

So I'm working to let it go, let it be, and return my focus to my own life.

On the plus side, we got outside this weekend and sprayed gallons of RoundUp around the house, up and down the driveway, around the garden, on some slopes -- got a little sunburned, and it felt good to be outside and doing something besides hunched over a computer keyboard! Need more of that, the being outside thing.

I know the Universe isn't done with the girls yet, nor with us. Things will change -- that is the one thing I know for sure. Pray that they can learn to change too, and to make better choices for themselves and their lives than some they've made in the past. Pray for me that I can accept the fact that they must learn their own lessons just as I have had to learn mine.

Springing!

We "spring forward" this weekend to daylight savings time -- an hour later. Always throws off my body clock for about a week, but I confess I like having it stay lighter longer.

And reluctantly I'm admitting it is spring. Our harbinger tree -- the one that pops its leaves earlier than the others -- has been out for several days. Our neighbors' daffodils are dotting their driveway with their cheery yellow heads. We have hummers at the feeders -- although I've actually kept the feeders full all winter too. The deer are fat and happy.

And thanks to a month of rain, we have about 76% of what we need, according to the weatherman. I'd love to see more of it though, even into May and early June.

We're planning to tackle weed abatement this weekend. We bought a large sprayer and will RoundUp the heck out of the weeds that are EVERYWHERE all of a sudden. It's been too windy or rainy to do so earlier.

And I'm also beginning to think about what to plant in the garden this year. I'd like to get out spinach, lettuce, and sugar snap peas in the next few weeks, and then think about what else to plant.

And then there is landscaping to be done with the front area, buoyed up by a lovely new retaining wall now, but liberally sprinkled with rocks and weeds already. A trip to the garden center is in order to find plants that are drought-resistant and also deer-resistant.

Everything inside looks a mess to me too, and I'm wanting to clean cupboards, sort through stacks of papers, dust, clean, toss. Minimize. That's spring's clarion call to renew, reuse, recycle!

But I confess I enjoy having woodstove fires in the evenings when it cools way down, and watching movies in the snug warmth of our great room.

Spring's arrived, no matter the calendar. It's a good time to evaluate what to keep, what to toss -- both externally and internally.

Weird, wacky spring in northern California

It's been 90 degrees at times in the past couple of weeks, and yet much of Tehama County had a frost on April 20 (we didn't out here -- five miles from town). The other night, it was downright cold. Today goes back to the 80s, and we won't see anything below 80 for at least 10 days, according to Yahoo weather.

Not good on the health -- lots of snuffling and wondering what to wear, as closets hold both short and long-sleeved shirts, shorts next to sweats, and sandals alongside woolly slippers.

The plants are confused. My tomatoes -- the ones that survived whatever seems to be snacking in the garden -- are either blooming like mad or droopy. A neighbor's, however, are beautiful, tall, and blooming, and I expect to see tiny tomatoes any day.

Speaking of eating....an entire artichoke plant -- the first time I've planted one -- disappeared. Completely. I'm wondering if we have a gourmet gopher, although most of the rest of it seems fine (yeah, missing a couple of pepper plants and at least one tomato). The cats don't nibble the plantlife, but I sure wish they'd get the stupid gopher, if that's what it is. Nothing gets in there except cats, lizards and gophers -- no bunnies. There's an 8-foot fence with critter fencing, and the deer don't get in there either.

Thank you, Tim Heardon, for the shout-out on your blog! That was a delightful surprise.

And speaking of art, try to catch the North Valley Art League 17th juried photo show that opened yesterday at Redding's Carter House Gallery in Caldwell Park. Tony and I were lucky enough to help shuttle photos back and forth as the juror did his picks, and always learn from the experience. Most important this year was to shoot where you are -- photograph things you know in our beautiful north state, but try to see it with a creative eye.

Isn't that always the challenge, in any art form?

Weather. Or not.

Seems like we basically skipped most of spring and went straight to summer, at least the last few days.

It was in the upper 80s over the weekend, and it felt almost too hot inside -- and we haven't even had the swamp cooler or air conditioner serviced for the season yet. I worked in the garden on Sunday, and it was downright hot. Tony was doing some mowing and trimming, and we both kept Gatorade and water close at hand.

MUCH too early for this kind of weather.

It's back to something reasonable today -- in the 60s -- but we're soaring back into the 80s Wednesday and Thursday this week.

Odd to think that other parts of the country are still freezing. I put out tomatoes yesterday! (okay so it's early -- but a friend gave me six pots of very leggy, greenhouse-started beauties, and they needed to get into the ground).

I don't like it.

I love the garden part, don't get me wrong. But I can control my enthusiasm for the heat and very dry weather we've had. The grass is already browning, and it seems like we barely had the beauteous, Irish-green that characterizes spring in Northern California. The lilacs have already come and pretty much gone, and I didn't even get in a good sniff!

But I didn't get quite enough of sweatshirts and woodstove fires and bubbly stews and flannel sheets. I put on regular sheets Sunday, and while they are new ones in a nice 400 thread count, they aren't the snuggly comfort of flannel.

I'm still hoping for rain. This is rodeo week in Red Bluff, and every year we've been here has meant rain and cold for the parade on Saturday. Right now the forecast is 63 degrees with a 20 percent chance of rain.

But we're fast running out of time for this season. At mid-April, we have maybe six weeks of possible rain left, and that's generous. And then it's sun, sun, sun, sun, hot, hot, hot, hot, dry, dry, very dry, tinderbox dry, and alligator skin dry. Until sometime in October, maybe even November. *sigh*

I know, I know. Be where you are.

I do love where we live, really truly. I love the seasons, I love the mild winters, I love the rain. I love the sun, too, and both the green and the gold seasons. I can even take the heat, mostly, since it IS dry and not the awful humidity that I lived in most of my life.

But a little more balance would be nice.

Guess that's true of all of my life, hm...(as I face multiple deadlines this week and instead of writing stories, I'm writing this blog....)

Steeped in history

After a really lovely weekend including dinner with friends last night and a fun excursion to the Chico Home Show today, we watched the first two episodes of HBO's John Adams tonight.

Strains of "Sit down, John! Sit down, John! For God's sake, John, sit down!" are ringing in my ears -- that was the opening number to the musical 1776 which depicted the events leading up to the Declaration of Independence which I saw first in Boston in 1973 or so.

John Adams takes it much farther, and is just extraordinary. Much has been written in newspapers and magazines about this production, which is based on the book by notable historian David McCullough.

If you are at all interested in history -- if you are a fan of Paul Giamatti or Laura Linney -- you should try to see the episodes sometime this week as they are re-run. There are, I believe, five more episodes with the last one on May 18.

I've got multiple deadlines this week and I probably shouldn't have taken the time that I did -- but I'm glad I did, even if I end up working late the next three nights. (And of course I multi-tasked -- folded clothes while I watched...)

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I was dishing out a little bit of ice cream for us while we were watching (fat-free, no added sugar -- makes it slightly less sinful), and suddenly thought about my dad, who loved ice cream and often had it as an evening snack (even though he probably should not have -- he was diabetic for about the last 25+ years of his life, but had a big sweet tooth). He would have enjoyed this production tremendously, as would have my mother. I was hit by a wave of nostalgia and -- grief is too strong a word anymore -- but I missed him. I miss him. I miss her. Tonight it was very present.

I'm very aware anymore of time, how precious it is, how much we take it for granted when we are young, and how the awareness of its swift passage grows each year. It is too easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of do-ing do-ing do-ing, and let slide the importance of be-ing. We all have deadlines, we have activities, ever-present chores. But there is nothing more important than being aware of where we are, of who we are, of what we are choosing to spend our time on, and of being grateful.

It's heeeeerrrrreeee.....

Spring, that is. Despite my assertions that there will indeed be a touch more winter, the earth came leaping into life last week.

Daffodils are sporting yellow nodding heads all around the house and even by the entrance to the driveway. The harbinger tree -- the one that pops its bright limey-green leaflets before any of the others are even budding -- did its thing more than a week ago. And I think it was Friday when most of the others began leafing. Flowering trees have been blooming for a few weeks now --red bud, flowering quince, flowering pear, pink almond orchards. (Allergy season is kicking in too, as a result.)

The weather is gorgeous -- near 70 or a tad higher during the day, and lately rather gentle even at night -- we've turned on the ceiling fan and opened windows a bit more, although the flannel sheets are still on. Lots of sunshine, blue skies with puffy white clouds, a little wind now and then.

We were on the Sacramento River on Sunday afternoon with friends and neighbors who I was interviewing for a magazine story. They took us out on their boat -- I wrote and Tony snapped photos; they fished and talked. We were river virgins -- first time we'd been out on it, and it was was fun to see houses we knew from that perspective.

From the Red Bluff Diversion Dam -- whose gates come down in May to form Lake Red Bluff -- we wound north to just below China Rapids -- near the Bend area -- and saw an amazing hot spring that bubbled water near 80 degrees. It's from a lava tube coming out of Lassen, and the rocks are all lava rocks there.

The depth varies from only a few feet to more than 30, and our friends said the river is actually quite low right now -- the powers that guard the river dams are keeping water back for the summer, apparently. There's controversy over what will happen to the salmon fishing season this year too -- a huge blow to our river guide friends -- although not unexpected, as the last two seasons have been poor.

We snagged a salmon, too -- unhooked it and threw it back, of course -- but what a magnificent fish. Over the afternoon, we got two more fish -- one called a squaw fish, which is not a desirable one and which they're told to kill before throwing it back, and the other a beautiful steelhead trout, which lives to be caught another day by someone else. What amazing colors streak each of them! Nature has an incredible paintbox.

My dad took me fishing when I was a girl, and I remember drifting in the boat, lines trailing, reading my book and wondering what, exactly, was so great about fishing -- it seemed pretty boring to me. We fished from a dock too, and he taught me to clean fish. I don't remember going often, but I remember feeling special that I got to go with him.

As an adult, I see the pleasure in letting the boat drift along with the current, rod in hand, watching the river, the trees, the landscape, seeing fish jump, listening to the birds. It's a respite from the traffic drone, the machine noises, the concrete sidewalks and streets, and from people talking talking talking. Catching a fish is secondary.

It was a blessing to be out there, and rejuvenating especially for Tony, I think. I have the freedom to be outside whenever I wish, and our land is wonderful, truly, except that I tend to see all the things that I ought to be doing -- planting things, mowing things, trimming, raking, picking up -- rather than just listening to the land.

Spring doesn't whisper here, it shouts.

Cycles of living

I'm aware lately == especially == of cycles. Not the kind you ride, at least literally, but the ebb and flow of life, of events, of seasons, of acquaintances and friends. Maybe it's the changing of the seasons, winter to spring, and the garden. Maybe it's the half-birthday this month that makes us both eligible to withdraw funds from our IRAs without penalty, and the knowledge that in another six months, we both hit that next big "0." Life goes on.

All the little plants in the garden are thriving, loving the sunshine and warm temperatures. Even some of the little deer-bitten nubs are growing leaves -- yes, I planted several of those poor little victims. I picked a big bag of lettuce tonight for dinner and a few marble-sized radishes. Each lettuce variety has such a distinct flavor! I love it fresh like that.

In the part that just got planted, there are sunflower and swiss chard seedlings already popping. The zucchini and the cucumber starts are already several inches bigger. And we should have abundant peppers -- lots of red, a few green, two Hatch, and one hot. I love seeing them respond to the sun and the water.

Events: we're back to the Art and Wine festival already; the Arts Council is moving towards membership dues time again and another ArtsTalk newsletter (when I get time!); I was hearing about graduations and vacations today. A school cycle completed. Seems like a long time ago that I was involved with school, either for myself or for my daughter.

This weekend I see my friend Julie from Indiana who is coming to SF for a few days with another friend. We've been friends for about 25 years now, and I love how we just pick right up where we left off, still on the same wave length. I hate driving to the Bay Area and don't like driving in downtown SF because I'm always watching for those one-way streets and terrorizing cab drivers, and because it's always crowded and I inevitably have to pass my destination up and go back around again. HOWEVER, I want to see her and we will have a good time. We're doing some different things this time -- probably a choral evensong at Grace Cathedral, an evening performance of Beach Blanket Babylon, who knows what else. (She turns that "0" decade in just a few weeks...so I'm bringing her a photo I took of her and our friend Kay when I was in Indiana last October.)

I've written before about reasons, seasons and lifetimes. I think Julie is a lifetime friend. And I feel as though I have an abundance of good friends right now too - actually, I feel as though I have more friends now than at any other time in my life. What a blessing! I hope I give them back the joy and blessing that they give me.

Another cycle.

I feel the changes in my body as I age, too -- the legs that once were smooth and firm all the way up have ripples in the thighs and lumps in the calves. I haven't had a proper waist in years. My neck shows that I'm no longer under 40...or 50... The hair, while turning an enviable mixture of gray and white (according to my hair dresser and various friends who are surprised to learn that I don't highlight it at all), still is gray, and I was asked today, for the first time, what color my "natural" hair color used to be....GAK! Y'mean it doesn't show anymore for all the gray? You can't tell?

Another cycle.

I'm aware that life gets shorter and shorter as the months go by. I'm aware that I am cozying up to "senior citizen" status. I'm aware of aches and pains that 20 years ago would have been unremarkable, and now are noted and sometimes researched, and discussed with physicians.

I'm aware that my opinions are sometimes shaped by events that are more than 30 years old...that I have shoes older than some of my younger acquaintances.

And yet I really try to keep a fresh outlook, try to be open rather than judgmental (usually not terribly successfully), try to be accepting and tolerant of differences in actions and beliefs.

And yet. I simply fail to be very understanding when people pretend ignorance of process and rules because they're either lazy or self-serving. I am very intolerant of those who search for a way around some rule or process they don't like or who fail to be truthful and honest in their dealings with others, especially with clients. I just don't understand people who see nothing wrong with walking all over someone else in order to get what they want -- and I'm not very kind about saying so.

Maybe I'm turning into one of those opinionated, fiesty old women? I know. I'm not old. Not yet. I'm not sure when "old" is -- but it's about 20 years older than I am at any given time.

So here we are again -- new beginnings and second chances. Another cycle of spring into summer. Another season of the year. Another chance at becoming and learning and giving and loving. It never gets old, even as we do.

I've been reading magazines, magazines, magazines!

April's hopes

April is such a month of rebirth, of "new" everything, of promise. Spring, though officially beginning in March, takes full hold in April and the universe brings the earth back to life. Grass greens and grows, daffodils and tulips and hyacinths spear up from moist dirt into flower, limbs unfurl tiny bright green leaves that will, in summer's oven, turn nearly blue.

Easter is often in April -- such a symbol of hope and rebirth rising from death and despair. And Passover seders recall deliverance from bondage and slavery into freedom.

Already in my newly planted garden are the tiniest of leaves poking up from the dirt - no, I don't remember exactly what I put there, but think it's either radishes or onions. The other furrows are still bare -- but I water them and talk to them daily, and encourage them to grow in this bountiful sunshine.

Actually, the sunshine is a little more bountiful than is good for this part of the country. The meadows are already crispy in some places, the grass is not lush and thick but rather sparse in most places and a layer of brown sits on the sunnier areas already. It may be a long, hot, dangerous summer. (Tony's said that several times. I put my hands over my ears and sing "Lalalalalala..." I want more rain. Clouds.)

It feels new again: new possibilities, new opportunities, new thoughts, second chances. New beginnings. That is April's potential and her gift to the world, I think.

So it's up to each of us to decide what needs to go to make room for the new, what we can do in our own lives to renew ourselves professionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. What is out there waiting for us? April's freshness permits clarity of insight that is obscured by the dust and pollen and impending heat of May and June and July, and by then we might as well wait for winter's cold..

I can see potential unfolding, petal by petal. I love the fresh moist smell of growth, the tang of still-chilled air in the mornings. The full moon lights pathways through the softening night. I welcome the challenge of discovery and the invitation to renew. Isn't it such a gift that we get to do this every year!

I am grateful for insight and blessing and clear thought from the new beginnings and second chances and hope that April offers. May you be blessed as well.