#Reverb14: Day 9

1. As you enter into the new year, what would you like to do/make/have/be more often? How will you bear witness and celebrate the tiny milestones? How will you respond on the occasions when your intentions do not come to pass?

2. The Plank: It has been said that you must learn to take care of yourself before you can be effective at taking care of others.  How did you take care of yourself in 2014?  How will you take care of yourself in 2015?

Yesterday slipped away from me -- a long day of shopping for both donation gifts (for kids, through my Bunco group) and the beginnings of my own shopping. Got home and left 45 minutes later for the photo club Christmas party, and didn't get home from that until about 10. I was ready for bed.

1. In other words, what do I want to do with my life next year? I would like to spend much less time going to doctors, for one, and more time traveling with my honey. I want to feel stronger and steadier on my feet. I want to learn some new things and practice some of those I learned this year. I want to feel content and happy more often. 

With the afib issue looking far more positive and the painful foot issue scheduled for surgery in early January, my health concerns should be pretty much resolved. Time to make exercise and rehab a priority again and regain all the strength and balance I've lost over the past three years. Feeling better and stronger will mark that successful venture. And always there is the January diet plan that will kick in, which I'm hoping will work in tandem with the getting stronger and steadier routine. How will I know it is working? When I can walk easily without getting winded quickly, and when I don't feel unsteady. 

There are always slips and lapses. The important thing is not to abandon the effort because things are not progressing as quickly as I'd hoped or that I escaped back into comfort food for a while. This is truly a lifelong effort that is done one day at a time. 

That's all we ever get anyway, one day at a time. I can handle pretty much anything for one day. And I'm a lot better about not beating myself up all the time. I can do this and I want to do this. 

2. I can save one life --  mine. Since I read Mary Oliver's life-changing poem "The Journey," a few years ago, that has been my touchstone, but this has not always been the case.  And while my husband looks out for me constantly, he can only do so much: the rest is up to me. 

I took a very proactive path about my health in 2014 and will continue to do so in 2015, although I hope 2015 will be largely rehab-oriented and not quite so much medical procedure and medication-driven! 

I own my mistakes and my faults, but I don't own any one else's, nor can I manage another's life. I think I may finally understand this, hard though it is. I am finally living life doing what I want to do, putting me (and us, my husband and me) first, and that is a radical change. Nobody else gets to call the shots on what I do or don't do; nobody gets to make me feel guilty about it either. What a concept, eh?

More of this in 2015. Happier. Wiser. Stronger. More generous with myself and my love.  

Reverb 14, Day 3

1. It’s all too easy to put off loving where we are until everything is perfect. What can you love about where you are now?

2. Coulda woulda shoulda: What didn’t you do this year because you were too scared, afraid, unsure?  Are you going to do it next year?  Or maybe you don’t want to anymore?

1.  Y'know, I figured out a long time ago that if I waited until things were perfect before I did anything, I'd have put off my whole life to this point. I am trying to use the 'good' stuff -- the china, the silver, the crystal -- and not wear the holey undies because they still have a shred of stretch left in the gaping waistband but toss 'em and buy new ones. I am trying not to wait 'until' to do anything I want to do, because, honestly, we simply don't know when our last breath will be. 

That's the overarching thought that brought me to California 17 years ago now: I knew I didn't want to look back at my life when I was 80 (or 70, or 65, or EVER) and say 'I wonder what would have happened if....' So I up and left a marriage, a job, a whole life, and came here. It was THE BEST THING I ever did for myself. 

And I love where I am now. I love me, mostly. Oh yeah, there are things I don't like much, like the 20 or so extra pounds, the hitch in my getalong from a painful foot and hinky posture for several years, feeling so out of shape -- but I know what to do to change those circumstances and am doing it, step by baby step. It doesn't stop me from wearing clothes that fit and feel good and look cute, regardless of the damned size label. I wear makeup and get my hair cut and styled because it MAKES ME FEEL GOOD. I eat chocolate if I want it (okay, not in the quantity I sometimes want, but I will NEVER be one of those women -- and yes, I've actually heard friends say this -- who say, proudly, "I haven't had a Snickers bar in five years." Oh Lord God, that will NEVER, EVER be me. I eat dessert. Every day. Who wants to die on a day when you haven't tasted something sweet and delicious? 

Don't settle. Don't deprive yourself of something you love to eat or drink or do. Eat or drink in moderation -- a taste, not a ton. You are absolutely unique and amazing. Count your blessings.There are ALWAYS blessings, even if it is simply for hot water in the shower, or being able to turn on a tap and get a drink of clean water. Even when you are having a tough time, there are blessings. Find them. Love where you are.

2. Well, then. As I said yesterday, I think this year was HUGE for me in conquering a major fear, the one that when my doctor initially suggested an ablation, I shut down, determined to do ANYTHING other than climb onto a surgical table and invite a team of doctors to burn scars in my heart. Yeah. No. 

I did, though.

And I was calm, relaxed, and confident through the whole experience,, thanks to a lot of help from my local circle of reiki practitioners and friends, and my own determination to GET BETTER and feel better, and live my life on my terms as much as I can.

Stuff still scares me....mostly health-related possibilities, and people who I love getting sick or dying or becoming incapacitated. This year I've learned of one acquaintance who has gotten Lou Gehrig's disease, out of the blue, and is rapidly declining -- albeit with a positive outlook, from what I understand. Just this week I learned of the death of a high school classmate, an unexpected death, apparently, on the day after Thanksgiving, her favorite holiday, and days after celebrating her 45th wedding anniversary with the love of her life. Our 50th class reunion is less than a year away now, and she won't be there. 

I have no idea how long I will live (and don't really want to know) -- but I don't want to waste time worrying and being afraid or unsure, either. If I want to do something -- go somewhere -- and it is within my financial and physical abilities to do so, I intend to DO IT, and sooner than later. I don't want to put off anything, because nobody gets out of this life alive, and because we rarely know when it is our turn.  Carpe diem!