#Reverb 14, Day 21

1. This is the last day for Kat McNally's Reverb prompts. She writes, "Today, I'd like you to revisit what you wrote on 1 December on the first day of Reverb14.

How does that compare to where you are now i.e. what can you say today with certainty?

Then, without thinking too hard about it, grab a pen and some paper and finish the following sentences:

In 2015, I am open to...

In 2015, I want to feel...

In 2015, I will say no to...

In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when… But when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly…

In December 2015, I want to look back and say..

2. Purging: What did you get rid of this year?  Physical things you tossed out or donated?  Or did you purge a bad relationship, job, etc…?

1. I can still say exactly the same things today that I did on Dec. 1: I am reasonably able-bodied, I love and cherish and adore my husband, I like my life and who I am, and I am happy to be alive.

I can add that life is short and can end in a heartbeat (as it did for my daughter's father-in-law on Dec. 29, unexpectedly and sadly), and that we must try to make the most of every single day.

So.

In 2015, I am open to...committing to a regular exercise plan, calendaring it so that it will remind me daily. 

In 2015, I want to feel...healthier, and stronger, and that I can walk without lurching because of foot or back pain.

In 2015, I will say no to...causes and people and events that do not ignite my passion or who are not willing to be truthful or when I believe that getting involved does not serve my highest and best interests. 

In 2013, I will know I am on the right track when....I am not second-guessing myself in the wee small hours of the morning, and when I am feeling stronger and more flexible. But when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly....'fess up to my exercise and life partner, my husband, and get back on the path. 

In December 2015, I want to look back and say....I feel so good about this year! I am stronger and feel better and am happier than ever.

2. Oh, I purge fairly frequently, although there are many piles and nooks with stuff that needs going through and making decisions about. I am good about purging clothes and shoes that no longer work for me or fit me or that I really love wearing. (Not so good about purging piles of paper, however.) I went through some bookshelves and donated some to the library and some to my daughter this year. Did the same for household knickknacks and linens; gave still-good ones to one or the other of the daughters, threw away the rest, and we took several loads to thrift stores. 

In 2015, we are already planning to tackle the home office and old files. Time for all that saved paper to go or to be filed and stored. And there are supplies that we no longer use: donate or discard. Ditto with business books.

And then there is the attic. Uh huh.

I actively try to stay away from people or groups or events that make me uneasy or irritated, and intend to do more of that in 2015. This year I cut ties with one group, rather sadly because I so strongly support the cause and message. But the method for getting that message to the public has become stagnant and clique-y, and it no longer is a joy and calling to participate in it. I felt like a load had been lifted from me as soon as I told the organizers why I would not be participating again.

Negative people, negative experiences, negative situations have no place in my life anymore. I want to surround myself with kindness, with genuine caring, and with opportunities to learn and grow in good directions.

#Reverb 14, Day 12

1. It all starts with kindness. Everything I have learnt, everyone I have interviewed, every word I have studied has guided me to this simple but profound conclusion: true happiness begins and ends with self-kindness.

No more guilt. No more shoulds. No more comparison.

And the very best way to give your weary soul some kindness at the end of this year? A love note.

Write a letter from you to you... filled with forgiveness, love, and a big bear hug.

2. Future self.  Write a letter to your future self, telling the future you about what you hope for you.'

Dearest Beth,
You are simply an amazing woman. Really. Your husband tells you that all the time, your daughters have told you that many times, in spite of all the past tensions and boundary-setting and arguments you've had with them, in spite of the times when you've sobbed over what you knew was likely the end of your relationship with them (and it hasn't been, so far anyway!).  

You've eased off that self-recrimination, that stupid little interior judge that pronounces you too fat, too mouthy, too lazy, too unhealthy, too -- well, you remember. That's GREAT. Keep it up in 2015, girlfriend. Let it goooooo....for good.  .

You overcame some really scary fears this year, didn't you, and you replaced them with light, and with kindness, and with energy, and you learned new tools and techniques to help you going forward. We know the fear can come back, but you don't have to let it be so paralyzing, so frightening. You know how to fight that blackness and fear, so continue to learn and practice and be positive. Take kindest care of yourself, your body, your health, your mind. You are the only YOU.

You've done better at doing things you want to do this year and not putting them off: do more of that, too. (This is not a dress rehearsal, sweetpea.) Have fun, go to events and places you are drawn to, do things you think you'd enjoy, play a lot more! Travel more: you're already planning some great trips to see friends and family and both new and old places. Embrace that with your whole heart and mind. Keep a journal of the trips so you remember the little things, the day-to-day things. You'll love doing it, you know.

Say thank you to the Universe every day, and say thank you to the people who matter to you. Send more cards. Write more letters. You are filled with so much gratitude -- share that with people who may need to receive it. Be generous with yourself and your loved ones, even more than you already are. You are so, so blessed!

What matters most is kindness, and you have been the recipient of much kindness this year. Do more. Be more. Love more. Live fully, as you've been learning to do. Forgive yourself -- you know, all those piddly little past memories that still occasionally come at you of things you think you did 'wrong'? You know who else remembers them? NO ONE. So let it goooooo. 

Be exactly who you are, Beth, not what you think someone expects you to be. You are enough. You are loved. You are funny and smart and wise. And yes, a smart-mouth sometimes, and yes, a little cynical sometimes. But that is who you ARE. You are unique, lovie. There is no one else like you in the Universe! Isn't that amazing? 

I love you, Beth. I love who you are becoming, every day, every month, every year. You aren't done yet! So get out there and LIVE, girl. 

All love and blessings to you, always --
Your Highest Self


 

 

Changes for the New Year

It feels odd not to have the Reverb11 prompts in my inbox every evening, and to think about what I'm going to write for the day's post. Reverb gave me a starting place for each day which often became more than its intent, since I usually would spend some time reflecting on the themes and checking my calendar to prod my memory.

Today, of course, was thinking of New Year's Day, especially from the past, but also noticing what turned out to be a very unseasonably warm day with plenty of sunshine. We enjoyed the company of friends today and good food -- I  think we all ate too much, including too many cookies, and laughed a lot. May there be more of that this year.

Long ago in another life I used to cook something on New Year's Eve that was a new recipe, usually completely different from food I regularly prepare, and share it with friends who were not critical. Our kids and we adults played games like Trivial Pursuit or Pictionary or charades, and at midnight we'd go outside and bang pots and pans to welcome in the year. And even longer ago there were NYE parties, and some pretty awful hangovers the following day. And harking back to 1968 NYE, I was proposed to at the stroke of midnight. So many years have gone by since then. So much history. So many lessons.

We get to start over, if we want, with a new year, beginning a new month, a new year, and changing what it is we don't want to carry with us any longer. And yet we are who we were just moments before that midnight hour strikes. I am who I was those 43 years ago, but I am not the same person. My choices throughout each of those years inbetween have brought me to where I am now, and my choices in 2012 will find me changed on New Year's Day in 2013.

I get to choose what to keep and what to cultivate this year. I'd like to make those choices wise ones, ones that will enlighten my soul and make clearer my life's path. I'm grateful for the people in my life to help me do that.

Reverb11 -- Day 31 -- Reflect and Choice

#1 Prompt: Reflect - Take a moment to think back on your reverb11 responses.  Have you learned anything?  What surprised you about this experience?  Which of your responses was your favourite?

#2 Prompt: Choice: What can you choose in 2012 to make your life better?

#1 -- When you take the time and make the effort to reflect on past experiences -- not to beat yourself up or to think about ways things coulda-should-woulda been handled differently, but truly examine the experience in the clear light of after-the-fact, it should always end up being a learning experience.

With Reverb, the year is up for review -- something I don't know I'd do so introspectively otherwise. I've learned that there were too many sad moments in 2011, too many mucky bogs to slog through a step at a time. I've learned that there were too few joyful moments, too little laughter, not enough fun.

I was most surprised, I guess, by the revelation that Mary Oliver's poem "The Journey" turned out to be the defining moment of 2011 for me -- a real 'Road to Damascus' moment that has shaped most of my actions since that dark night. I knew it was important; it is in the looking-back that the impact becomes noticeable in what my life has  been since, and in the direction that I've been at pains to continue walking towards.

In that poem, that revelation, I was able to release my fears (mostly) and desperate need to make things better for someone else -- to 'fix' them. I was able to let go and turn towards my own life, and I've stayed on that path since.


What a strange place to find the light -- an issue of O Magazine, reading late on a dark and stormy night.

I like the honesty in my responses this year: I've put a lot out there for people to see, and yet I felt I was writing these letters to myself alone. I liked especially this post because it was a revelation to me as I was writing it, at least the part about forgiveness (I knew I liked food ;>}}}.

Reverb is a powerful writing tool and a revelation if approached with a willingness to examine oneself candidly and honestly. I think there will be additional Reverb-related e-mails this year and I'm also planning to seek out other writing prompts. That really helps with the discipline -- the 'doing the work' part -- of writing daily.

#2 -- What can I choose to make my life better? Being proactive about health issues, losing weight, easing stress will go a long way towards making my life better. I'm mostly doing that now, well, maybe except for losing weight. But I don't want to wait until some big health crisis looms large (like I'm in the emergency room) before I address issues that I know I have some control over -- and all too many of us do.

I can choose to do things I enjoy doing and to be with people who are positive, easy to be with, and who care about me as much as I care about them. I can choose to avoid groups and individuals whose negative energy and attitude are spirit-suckers -- you know, sort of like the Dementor's Kiss in Harry Potter?

I believe that even in the darkest of times there is always a glimmer of hope (reinforced by our current viewing of the entire extended edition of The Lord of the Rings, where the blacks are pretty darned dark and it's hard to see much hope, unless you're Arwen, who always finds it). I choose to be with people who share that outlook, and to ask them for help if I find myself falling into the pit of despair.

I can choose to make my days meaningful, whether that is cleaning out clutter or spending time with a friend or simply sitting and reading a book. And always I can choose gratitude: it helps prolong life and makes even difficult issues easier to bear (I know that is a very Pollyanna-ish attitude and there will be some who scoff. I've tried it both ways. Gratitude is a lot better, lemme tell you. And it is your own perception of any situation that makes the difference as to how easy or difficult it is.)

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I am grateful for the writers who took the time and made the effort to formulate and e-mail Reverb prompts this year. It makes a difference to my own life.

Happy New Year to all tonight. May 2012 bring you blessings you didn't know you needed, joy you never visualized, and love you always hoped for.

Sliding quietly into 2011

We have come quietly into this new year, resting a lot, reading, watching movies both in theater and on television, eating soup and scalloped potatoes and ham and good egg-and-hash-or-bacon breakfasts and the last loaf of Jule Kage, and clementines to give us a pop of citrus.

T went back to work today; I did too with routine chores and other responsibilities. It's business as usual after a long weekend of rejuvenation.

We have fairy rings all over the property since the big rains: mushrooms are ringing trees and popping up in the low places. And it's been chilly -- we had snow mixed in the with New Year's Eve rain, and the new year's morning saw snow on the car and roof, although nothing much on the ground. The woodstove has kept us warm though, and the kitties lounge on their tuffets in front of it and sleep away the days.

January has never been my favorite month: it's a letdown after the bright holidays, and a month of cold winter. And yet the 15th marks eight years since we moved into our house and left the Bay Area, and there are always a few days that give us a taste of the February spring that waits so patiently. And I'm not eager for winter to pass, truth be told: I greatly prefer the cold and rain to the desperate sun-scorching days of high summer.

But this is my year of renewal, and I have tasks to do to prepare the way. I'll take it accident-free, thank you, in either sun or rain, heat or cold.

New chances, new beginnings

The girls moved out barely an hour after I posted the last entry: R got keys and permission to move early, and they were GONE. I took it very personally, I might add -- that they couldn't WAIT to get out and away from me. I'm over that now. mostly

Antsy McClain was the perfect antidote: funny, fun, rocking, and a packed house. I felt better when we got home....mostly

And life has gone on for us all. We are enjoying very much having our home to ourselves; the kitties are enjoying being just two and without interlopers; I'm writing more and also sleeping much better.

That said, I think we've heard from or seen the girls every day since -- either to get something they left, to do laundry, whatever. It is easier, however, not to live with their drama.

So they have new opportunities, new chances. And so do we.

I'm thinking about what I want from this new year, how I want to grow this year, what I'd like to accomplish.

(Actually, I've spent way too much time in the last couple of days looking at athletic shoes for my poor achy feet. Tried some on, but few stores have sizes that I need, and my feet have changed so much over the past couple of years that I don't know what size to ask for. And every shoe fits differently. I'm probably going to end up ordering several pairs and returning what doesn't work.)

I still feel scattered, not quite settled into the year yet, nor completely back into a routine. Maybe another couple of days will do it. It's not for lack of things to do!

And I'm praying daily for rain: while sun and temps near 70 are nice, we badly need rain. We still have some leaves clinging to our trees, ferpetesake! I want gray skies, lots of steady rain for days on end. Poor Portland and Seattle have been deluged: it needs to come a little further south.

I'm also trying to focus on blessings, on gratitude every day, because I believe that is the cornerstone to joy and a fulfilling life. We're reading little snippets about The Secret every morning along with our vitamins and breakfast, and I've been a little surprised how often I've thought about the day's message over the course of the day.

It's a new year, new beginnings, new possibilities. May it be rewarding for us -- and for you.

A look back, continued

More 2007 observations:

More of looking back at 2007:

6. What was your biggest surprise? The universe provides what we need, and this summer we found new opportunities there for the taking, resulting in closing our real estate office.

7. What was the meanest thing you did? I told an old, meddling, nasty man,"F**% You!" In a meeting where there were people present who I don't know very well, if at all. I didn't whisper it, either. It bothers me only that I'm sure some of those people have a very negative impression of me now, when that is not the way I am. Hardly ever. But I'm also not sorry.

8. What was something you worried about that you don't worry about now? I worried about being able to get health insurance when ours -- and that of 8000 other Realtors -- was cancelled willynilly by Blue Shield. With Tony's job, we now have better and less expensive coverage. But I don't know that I'll ever really stop worrying about it -- I believe that health insurance companies are not our friends, ever.

9. What made you proud? My husband. With this career transition, he is traveling 500 miles a week back and forth to Chico, working hard and mostly cheerfully for a good company. It was quite a change from our four and a half years working together in our home office, and he's handled it like the professional he is.

10. Finally, describe a moment you want to remember. Last summer we visited Tony's hometown in Tennessee where he hadn't visited since the mid-'70s. It was full of nostaglic moments: visiting the graves of his grandparents and mother, seeing the houses he lived in, and the pines he'd planted some 40 years ago that are now towering over one of the homesteads. But a highlight was watching him talk with his high school debate coach and seeing the emotion ripple over his face first as the coach remembered Tony -- a thin, tall boy with lots of hair -- and then as he heard about long-ago friends, one of them at rest in the cemetery. It was very sweet-bittersweet.

So what was memorable about your 2007? Anything worth keeping?

Round 2? And a look back at 2007

It appears that the wind has calmed somewhat now, but I think everyone was a little nervous about today's forecast of high winds -- not as high as Friday's, but with gusts up to 40mph -- and more rain. I know I filled a tub and several water jugs just in case, and started thinking about batteries and candles again. The forecast calls for clouds and sun, though, for the next week.

We need more rain, to be sure, but it'd be nice to space it out some, and let PG&E finish up restoring power from last week's big blow. Of course that's about as controllable as ... um ... a teenager's moods.

But I can wish, can't I.
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Sharon Randall writes the kind of columns that I'd love to do, and often try to emulate in this space, although my words are mostly much more undisciplined and tangential.

In today's writing, she asks about 2007 -- what did you do?

Some of these I have to contemplate; others are easier. But here are my answers to the first few questions:

1. What was the hardest thing you had to do this year? Let go of our daughters -- more precisely, to accept that their choices are theirs to make, their lives to live the way they choose, and that those choices will not necessarily be ones that we like or are comfortable with. It's an ongoing process, as is figuring out our own boundaries -- which they may not always like either.

2. What was the most fun? Being with our group of friends and neighbors -- like the Soprano Nights that we did for the final episodes of HBO's hit series. We'd share a meal or dessert, then watch the episode. Any time we get together, it's a party. We are very blessed!

3. What were the milestones? 60th birthdays for both of us. Closing the real estate agency.

4. What was your biggest accomplishment? Coming back to freelance writing and not only enjoying it, but pleasing those who are hiring me!

5. What's something you wanted to do, but didn't? Write a book...still. Lose the extra 15 lbs, and maybe even 20. Get some exercise more regularly. Same ol' stuff.

To be continued....

Down time

Winter is raging outside today and will be, according to forecasts, for several more days. We need the rain.

But I have a fire in the stove, hot tea, and we still have power, so I'm watching movies and mindless stuff on our new DISH system, which was our Christmas present to each other this year. We feel like we went from zero to 100 mph with it, since we'd had only rabbit ears for the last nearly five years -- by choice, I might add. But we're thoroughly enjoying HD movies and shows, and the variety of programming that is available.

I'll get back to work soon, but for now, a little down time feels very good. It was a very busy December for work, a wonderful trip to Tennessee for Christmas, and then a New Year's Day gathering here that was great fun. And even fun things necessitate some work -- shopping, cooking, prepping, etc. -- so it is nice to sip tea and be still for a while without any 'gotta-dos' on the immediate horizon. I've realized I seldom allow myself a day off -- completely off --

I've been flirting with a cold though, one that Tony brought back home with him, and so I'm trying to ward it off through regular doses of Airborne (the generic equivalent, at least), and my favorite Wellness Formula that really does work. For some seven or so years we've taken it at the first glimmer of illness, and it's saved us from bad colds and flu many times.

With this latest cold, Tony had begun taking it before we flew, and upped the dose a bit when he got a scratchy throat. As a result, he never really felt bad nor did the cold go into his chest. It's just been drippy nose alternating with stuffy nose, and that's pretty much all. I'm popping it now in hopes of similar results, although I've said for years that I rarely get sick because I'm too mean to get sick -- the germs leave me alone.

I've given some thought to new year intentions -- not resolutions, for they almost invariably get unresolved -- and so far they're not much different from last year's. Mostly I want to be where I am -- to savor each day for whatever it brings me, to find joy and gratitude every single day. I still work on kindness both to myself and to others, and patience (ditto). More about listening than speaking. More acceptance of what is, less judgment. (I am not very tolerant of people who are judgmental, either, nor of those who think their opinion is the only one that matters. So I guess that makes ME judgmental, hm...)

Time for more Wellness formula. And Oprah.

May you have some downtime without being sick to get it!