"That's when I knew that this chapter of my life had ended. And now I was free to.."
That's the first writing prompt for the marvelous 2015 April Moon series from wild wonderful writing woman Kat McNally, she of Reverb and August Moon.
It's a little different this year, she explains. It's a story-starter, really. I'm a bit late in beginning this one, but it'll work no matter when I begin or end!
While I can think of several chapter endings, at least a few of them are not appropriate for a public forum such as this (although they're great stories). But let me tell you about the end of my freelance career....
It was January 2010 and we'd been to see one of the traveling Broadway-style shows that Redding regularly featured at their Civic Center -- "The Wedding Singer." Actually, we hadn't subscribed to the series for a few years since Tony was working in Chico at that time, and the plays were always on week nights, which made for a very long day of driving for him. These were gifted to us by friends who couldn't go.
After the performance, we headed, hand-in-hand, back to the truck in the parking lot. It was dark and the lot was dimly lit. As we got to the back of the truck, we parted -- Tony to the driver's side, me to the passenger's. There was not a light near the truck, so I was walking mostly in the dark. I came past the tailgate and headed down the side of the truck.
"AHHHHHHHHH," I yelled as my toe struck the concrete parking curb stop which was partially hidden under the truck bed. There was nothing to grab. I flew sideways and landed on my outstretched right hand, then my hip and body followed.
I crashed onto the blacktop and just lay there for a minute. A couple of people from nearby cars came hurrying up to help; Tony came around the end of the truck, and they tried to help me sit up.
I knew my wrist was broken. It was in an unnatural s-curve, although it didn't hurt. "It's broken," I said, holding it close to my chest. "Maybe not," said Tony, as he helped me stand, along with two other men, and then together they boosted me into the truck since there was no way I could grab onto the strap to pull myself in.
I thanked the others and we headed for the Mercy Hospital ER. I had the presence of mind to take off my rings since my hand hadn't begun to swell yet, and also directed Tony to the hospital.
They took me back immediately and it wasn't long before they shot me up with painkillers and an anti-nausea drug. X-rays showed several pieces of shattered bone. Long story short: It was splinted that night; a week later I had surgery and the wonderful orthopedist put it back together with many screws and a plate.
But even that night I knew I wasn't going to be writing stories anytime soon. It was my right hand. My note-taking hand. And there's no way I'm typing stories with just my left hand.It hurt, and I had no idea how long I'd be in a cast. Certainly I wasn't going to meet deadlines any time soon.
It was over, those freelance gigs. And I wasn't too upset about it, actually. I loved the interviewing, the getting to meet new people and find out their stories and how they got to where they are. But the deadlines? Meh. The stress of trying to tell their story accurately and yet still making it enticing in a mere 500-700 words? Very hard. I would sweat blood over the story and always ended up paring it down, hopefully not losing the essence as I chopped words. I would not miss that part.
The next day I called my editor to tell her I was out, but that I had a replacement in mind, a local friend who had no freelance experience but whose writing was clean, interesting, and sharp. They both agreed -- and my friend Melissa is still writing for them, five years later.
I was ready to be done, apparently, and the Universe took a rather drastic way of letting me know that. I needed to get out of the way to allow Melissa her opportunity.
While I know I could have resumed freelancing once I'd healed, it never felt right again.
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Friday, December 26, 2014
#Reverb14, Day 19
1. Today, I invite
you to consider: what sorts of signs and symbols have recurred for you
in 2014? Think: repeating colours, shapes, people, sayings, music,
images, ideas. Where could they possibly be leading you?
2. Challenges. What did you wrestle with in 2014? What did you learn? What challenges do you foresee in 2015?
1. Spirals have caught my eye all year. They are an ancient symbol with various meanings in art and in spirituality, but also play an important role in science, math, and nature. I've noticed them everywhere. The spiral is integrated into reiki symbolism and also in spirituality.
This year has been one of more attention to spirituality for me, especially in learning with my reiki group and doing all the wonderful travel that we have done. I think the signs are there for me to keep pursuing this inner journey.
2. I've pretty much written about this already -- overcoming fear and anxiety, especially cardiac anxiety -- and working with healing to change my fears.
I'm not anticipating big challenges in 2015 -- I think just continuing to follow the spiritual path and to get my strength back after surgery in January will be challenge enough.
2. Challenges. What did you wrestle with in 2014? What did you learn? What challenges do you foresee in 2015?
1. Spirals have caught my eye all year. They are an ancient symbol with various meanings in art and in spirituality, but also play an important role in science, math, and nature. I've noticed them everywhere. The spiral is integrated into reiki symbolism and also in spirituality.
This year has been one of more attention to spirituality for me, especially in learning with my reiki group and doing all the wonderful travel that we have done. I think the signs are there for me to keep pursuing this inner journey.
2. I've pretty much written about this already -- overcoming fear and anxiety, especially cardiac anxiety -- and working with healing to change my fears.
I'm not anticipating big challenges in 2015 -- I think just continuing to follow the spiritual path and to get my strength back after surgery in January will be challenge enough.
Friday, December 05, 2014
Reverb 14, Day 5
1. What is the sound of your own voice?
2. Letting go: For next year, I’m letting go of…
1. In browsing through a few other blogs, I see that some have interpreted this prompt very literally, as in 'what do you sound like'? I have a good speaking voice -- clear, moderately pitched, from the diaphragm rather than the throat, and I enunciate well -- all those speech classes, I suppose, and the acting. I can project -- or used to be able to -- to the back of a sizeable room -- unfortunately, it also took a long time to learn how NOT to project and to lower the volume when I was talking in a group or to a friend.
But I think this prompt asks us more to listen to who we are, the authentic person within. When we speak, who is talking? The good daughter or wife or mother who does what she is expected to do, but not necessarily what she wants to do? The employee who is careful not to express opinions too different from those of her peers (even though she has some strong opinions that may differ wildly from those of others)? The friend who is aware that she is perhaps being taken advantage of, but doesn't want to cause the friendship to crash and burn -- for a lot of reasons? The volunteer who is burned out because nobody else seems to step up to the plate?
Each has its own voice, but when we utter the words, we learn a little more about who we want to be in addition to who we are.
As I have aged, all those other voices have melded -- or are melding -- into one voice: who I really am and what I really think. Mostly. What I have learned is to keep my counsel a little more carefully, too. I still don't want to offend, but I have learned that saying nothing is often the most powerful statement. I have learned that those who are truly my friends will hear me loud and clear, and that I have nothing to fear by allowing them to do so -- in fact, it deepens and ripens a friendship. I no longer have to please an employer. And I pretty much do as I like, with little regard for what anyone expects me to do!
Speak your truth. Be who you are. Be kind, but be honest. That is the sound of your own voice.
2. Let it go, let it gooooooo....
Like most everyone else, I loved and related to Elsa's song in "Frozen" and have actively worked on letting stuff go for decades now, long before the song was a note in someone's brain.
And for decades I have worked to let go of the self-criticism, the judgement I heap on myself, and the people-pleaser part of me that worries about whether I'm fitting in or saying the right things or doing the right things so that others will judge me favorably. Yeah.Yuk.
I've come a really long way with that. I probably will never be there completely, but I care a whole lot less about it than I used to, and I'm way more gentle with myself. This year I have actively started to work on the almost subconscious judgement towards others: the part that says "doesn't that woman look in a mirror before she goes out like that?" Or "look at those filthy pants, and down around his knees! Yuk! I can see his boxers!" Or "those kids are totally out of control and there is no one in sight -- who DOES that!" Or "geeze, that tattoo is so offensive! Why would someone do that?"
And so on. It is so ingrained in me -- and I suspect in most of us -- that I have to consciously stop the train of thought, and I have started to say a little prayer for the person as soon as I notice the judgement. I don't know what their lives are like. I don't know what kind of parents they had or why they do what they do.
Most importantly, it is NOT MY LIFE TO MANAGE.
So I'll continue letting such judgement go in 2015 -- the judgement that looks in the mirror with unkind eyes, and the judgement that looks at others with unkind eyes.
2. Letting go: For next year, I’m letting go of…
1. In browsing through a few other blogs, I see that some have interpreted this prompt very literally, as in 'what do you sound like'? I have a good speaking voice -- clear, moderately pitched, from the diaphragm rather than the throat, and I enunciate well -- all those speech classes, I suppose, and the acting. I can project -- or used to be able to -- to the back of a sizeable room -- unfortunately, it also took a long time to learn how NOT to project and to lower the volume when I was talking in a group or to a friend.
But I think this prompt asks us more to listen to who we are, the authentic person within. When we speak, who is talking? The good daughter or wife or mother who does what she is expected to do, but not necessarily what she wants to do? The employee who is careful not to express opinions too different from those of her peers (even though she has some strong opinions that may differ wildly from those of others)? The friend who is aware that she is perhaps being taken advantage of, but doesn't want to cause the friendship to crash and burn -- for a lot of reasons? The volunteer who is burned out because nobody else seems to step up to the plate?
Each has its own voice, but when we utter the words, we learn a little more about who we want to be in addition to who we are.
As I have aged, all those other voices have melded -- or are melding -- into one voice: who I really am and what I really think. Mostly. What I have learned is to keep my counsel a little more carefully, too. I still don't want to offend, but I have learned that saying nothing is often the most powerful statement. I have learned that those who are truly my friends will hear me loud and clear, and that I have nothing to fear by allowing them to do so -- in fact, it deepens and ripens a friendship. I no longer have to please an employer. And I pretty much do as I like, with little regard for what anyone expects me to do!
Speak your truth. Be who you are. Be kind, but be honest. That is the sound of your own voice.
2. Let it go, let it gooooooo....
Like most everyone else, I loved and related to Elsa's song in "Frozen" and have actively worked on letting stuff go for decades now, long before the song was a note in someone's brain.
And for decades I have worked to let go of the self-criticism, the judgement I heap on myself, and the people-pleaser part of me that worries about whether I'm fitting in or saying the right things or doing the right things so that others will judge me favorably. Yeah.Yuk.
I've come a really long way with that. I probably will never be there completely, but I care a whole lot less about it than I used to, and I'm way more gentle with myself. This year I have actively started to work on the almost subconscious judgement towards others: the part that says "doesn't that woman look in a mirror before she goes out like that?" Or "look at those filthy pants, and down around his knees! Yuk! I can see his boxers!" Or "those kids are totally out of control and there is no one in sight -- who DOES that!" Or "geeze, that tattoo is so offensive! Why would someone do that?"
And so on. It is so ingrained in me -- and I suspect in most of us -- that I have to consciously stop the train of thought, and I have started to say a little prayer for the person as soon as I notice the judgement. I don't know what their lives are like. I don't know what kind of parents they had or why they do what they do.
Most importantly, it is NOT MY LIFE TO MANAGE.
So I'll continue letting such judgement go in 2015 -- the judgement that looks in the mirror with unkind eyes, and the judgement that looks at others with unkind eyes.
Wednesday, December 03, 2014
Reverb 14, Day 3
1. It’s all too easy to put off loving where we are until everything is perfect. What can you love about where you are now?
2. Coulda woulda shoulda: What didn’t you do this year because you were too scared, afraid, unsure? Are you going to do it next year? Or maybe you don’t want to anymore?
1. Y'know, I figured out a long time ago that if I waited until things were perfect before I did anything, I'd have put off my whole life to this point. I am trying to use the 'good' stuff -- the china, the silver, the crystal -- and not wear the holey undies because they still have a shred of stretch left in the gaping waistband but toss 'em and buy new ones. I am trying not to wait 'until' to do anything I want to do, because, honestly, we simply don't know when our last breath will be.
That's the overarching thought that brought me to California 17 years ago now: I knew I didn't want to look back at my life when I was 80 (or 70, or 65, or EVER) and say 'I wonder what would have happened if....' So I up and left a marriage, a job, a whole life, and came here. It was THE BEST THING I ever did for myself.
And I love where I am now. I love me, mostly. Oh yeah, there are things I don't like much, like the 20 or so extra pounds, the hitch in my getalong from a painful foot and hinky posture for several years, feeling so out of shape -- but I know what to do to change those circumstances and am doing it, step by baby step. It doesn't stop me from wearing clothes that fit and feel good and look cute, regardless of the damned size label. I wear makeup and get my hair cut and styled because it MAKES ME FEEL GOOD. I eat chocolate if I want it (okay, not in the quantity I sometimes want, but I will NEVER be one of those women -- and yes, I've actually heard friends say this -- who say, proudly, "I haven't had a Snickers bar in five years." Oh Lord God, that will NEVER, EVER be me. I eat dessert. Every day. Who wants to die on a day when you haven't tasted something sweet and delicious?
Don't settle. Don't deprive yourself of something you love to eat or drink or do. Eat or drink in moderation -- a taste, not a ton. You are absolutely unique and amazing. Count your blessings.There are ALWAYS blessings, even if it is simply for hot water in the shower, or being able to turn on a tap and get a drink of clean water. Even when you are having a tough time, there are blessings. Find them. Love where you are.
2. Well, then. As I said yesterday, I think this year was HUGE for me in conquering a major fear, the one that when my doctor initially suggested an ablation, I shut down, determined to do ANYTHING other than climb onto a surgical table and invite a team of doctors to burn scars in my heart. Yeah. No.
I did, though.
And I was calm, relaxed, and confident through the whole experience,, thanks to a lot of help from my local circle of reiki practitioners and friends, and my own determination to GET BETTER and feel better, and live my life on my terms as much as I can.
Stuff still scares me....mostly health-related possibilities, and people who I love getting sick or dying or becoming incapacitated. This year I've learned of one acquaintance who has gotten Lou Gehrig's disease, out of the blue, and is rapidly declining -- albeit with a positive outlook, from what I understand. Just this week I learned of the death of a high school classmate, an unexpected death, apparently, on the day after Thanksgiving, her favorite holiday, and days after celebrating her 45th wedding anniversary with the love of her life. Our 50th class reunion is less than a year away now, and she won't be there.
I have no idea how long I will live (and don't really want to know) -- but I don't want to waste time worrying and being afraid or unsure, either. If I want to do something -- go somewhere -- and it is within my financial and physical abilities to do so, I intend to DO IT, and sooner than later. I don't want to put off anything, because nobody gets out of this life alive, and because we rarely know when it is our turn. Carpe diem!
2. Coulda woulda shoulda: What didn’t you do this year because you were too scared, afraid, unsure? Are you going to do it next year? Or maybe you don’t want to anymore?
1. Y'know, I figured out a long time ago that if I waited until things were perfect before I did anything, I'd have put off my whole life to this point. I am trying to use the 'good' stuff -- the china, the silver, the crystal -- and not wear the holey undies because they still have a shred of stretch left in the gaping waistband but toss 'em and buy new ones. I am trying not to wait 'until' to do anything I want to do, because, honestly, we simply don't know when our last breath will be.
That's the overarching thought that brought me to California 17 years ago now: I knew I didn't want to look back at my life when I was 80 (or 70, or 65, or EVER) and say 'I wonder what would have happened if....' So I up and left a marriage, a job, a whole life, and came here. It was THE BEST THING I ever did for myself.
And I love where I am now. I love me, mostly. Oh yeah, there are things I don't like much, like the 20 or so extra pounds, the hitch in my getalong from a painful foot and hinky posture for several years, feeling so out of shape -- but I know what to do to change those circumstances and am doing it, step by baby step. It doesn't stop me from wearing clothes that fit and feel good and look cute, regardless of the damned size label. I wear makeup and get my hair cut and styled because it MAKES ME FEEL GOOD. I eat chocolate if I want it (okay, not in the quantity I sometimes want, but I will NEVER be one of those women -- and yes, I've actually heard friends say this -- who say, proudly, "I haven't had a Snickers bar in five years." Oh Lord God, that will NEVER, EVER be me. I eat dessert. Every day. Who wants to die on a day when you haven't tasted something sweet and delicious?
Don't settle. Don't deprive yourself of something you love to eat or drink or do. Eat or drink in moderation -- a taste, not a ton. You are absolutely unique and amazing. Count your blessings.There are ALWAYS blessings, even if it is simply for hot water in the shower, or being able to turn on a tap and get a drink of clean water. Even when you are having a tough time, there are blessings. Find them. Love where you are.
2. Well, then. As I said yesterday, I think this year was HUGE for me in conquering a major fear, the one that when my doctor initially suggested an ablation, I shut down, determined to do ANYTHING other than climb onto a surgical table and invite a team of doctors to burn scars in my heart. Yeah. No.
I did, though.
And I was calm, relaxed, and confident through the whole experience,, thanks to a lot of help from my local circle of reiki practitioners and friends, and my own determination to GET BETTER and feel better, and live my life on my terms as much as I can.
Stuff still scares me....mostly health-related possibilities, and people who I love getting sick or dying or becoming incapacitated. This year I've learned of one acquaintance who has gotten Lou Gehrig's disease, out of the blue, and is rapidly declining -- albeit with a positive outlook, from what I understand. Just this week I learned of the death of a high school classmate, an unexpected death, apparently, on the day after Thanksgiving, her favorite holiday, and days after celebrating her 45th wedding anniversary with the love of her life. Our 50th class reunion is less than a year away now, and she won't be there.
I have no idea how long I will live (and don't really want to know) -- but I don't want to waste time worrying and being afraid or unsure, either. If I want to do something -- go somewhere -- and it is within my financial and physical abilities to do so, I intend to DO IT, and sooner than later. I don't want to put off anything, because nobody gets out of this life alive, and because we rarely know when it is our turn. Carpe diem!
Sunday, September 14, 2014
August Moon 14 Day 1 -- Setting an Intention
I am late to this party, Kat McNally's lovely prompts for the 2014 August Moon. I knew I'd be writing them later because when they began, I was preparing for my cardiac ablation for atrial fibrillation, and that took most of my conscious energy.
I am happy to report that all went well, that so far I am in normal sinus rhythm and minus one heart medication. This process, not visible externally, takes at least three months for the doctors to pronounce it successful, and can take up to a year to heal. The heart has been violated, burned inside it, and there is no salve, no healing dressings that can speed recovery. Time is the great healer.
As soon as I read her outline for this series of writing prompts, I knew how very appropriate it would be for me this year, considering the ablation recovery process. So here is Day 1's prompt:
On this first day together, in the light of the beautiful full moon, I invite you to share what is it that you want to explore over the next two weeks. In particular, I invite you to consider the crossroads at which you find yourself, in any aspect of your life.
Indeed, I do find myself at a crossroads: my atrial fibrillation is potentially eliminated (and my doctor found and burned three separate areas that were causing that rapid, irregular beat). And for much of the last three years I have slacked off on physical exercise, first because my left foot was so painful, then because I was recovering from surgery to fuse that ankle, and later because the afib became more frequent and those symptoms pretty much wiped me out.
So here I am: foot is as healed as it is likely to get (and doesn't hurt like it did), and my heart is beating quietly and unobtrusively away in a normal sinus rhythm. I have another chance at improving my physical stamina and overall health.
My intention, then, is to grab this second chance, this new beginning, and live better, happier, wiser, and more deeply. That means kicking up the level of physical exercise. That means being more conscious of what and how much I am putting into my body. That means exploring the spirit that has so surrounded me during this ablation process and before, and actively seeking learning opportunities. That means eliminating as much stress as I can, be that caused by people, situations, activities, or thoughts. Up with meditation and calm; down with being with people who I don't especially enjoy or doing things that I am not passionate about. Up with saying NO when the little gut feeling hits; down with feeling 'obligated' to do something.
This quote, inaccurately attributed to Meryl Streep, sums it up so well for me:
“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”--author/life coach José Micard Teixeira
I am happy to report that all went well, that so far I am in normal sinus rhythm and minus one heart medication. This process, not visible externally, takes at least three months for the doctors to pronounce it successful, and can take up to a year to heal. The heart has been violated, burned inside it, and there is no salve, no healing dressings that can speed recovery. Time is the great healer.
As soon as I read her outline for this series of writing prompts, I knew how very appropriate it would be for me this year, considering the ablation recovery process. So here is Day 1's prompt:
Set an intention.
On this first day together, in the light of the beautiful full moon, I invite you to share what is it that you want to explore over the next two weeks. In particular, I invite you to consider the crossroads at which you find yourself, in any aspect of your life.
Indeed, I do find myself at a crossroads: my atrial fibrillation is potentially eliminated (and my doctor found and burned three separate areas that were causing that rapid, irregular beat). And for much of the last three years I have slacked off on physical exercise, first because my left foot was so painful, then because I was recovering from surgery to fuse that ankle, and later because the afib became more frequent and those symptoms pretty much wiped me out.
So here I am: foot is as healed as it is likely to get (and doesn't hurt like it did), and my heart is beating quietly and unobtrusively away in a normal sinus rhythm. I have another chance at improving my physical stamina and overall health.
My intention, then, is to grab this second chance, this new beginning, and live better, happier, wiser, and more deeply. That means kicking up the level of physical exercise. That means being more conscious of what and how much I am putting into my body. That means exploring the spirit that has so surrounded me during this ablation process and before, and actively seeking learning opportunities. That means eliminating as much stress as I can, be that caused by people, situations, activities, or thoughts. Up with meditation and calm; down with being with people who I don't especially enjoy or doing things that I am not passionate about. Up with saying NO when the little gut feeling hits; down with feeling 'obligated' to do something.
This quote, inaccurately attributed to Meryl Streep, sums it up so well for me:
“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”--author/life coach José Micard Teixeira
Monday, December 23, 2013
Reverb 13: Day 21.
1. Today,
I'd like you to revisit what you wrote on 1 December on the first day
of Reverb13. How does that compare to where you are now?
Then, without thinking too hard about it, grab a pen and some paper and finish the following five sentences:
2014 is going to be MY YEAR because...
In 2014, I am going to do...
In 2014, I am going to feel...
In 2014, I am not going to...
In December 2014, I am going to look back and say...
For
bonus points, if you participated in #reverb12, compare your answers to
the ones you wrote this time last year. What has been revealled? Where
are the surprises?2. Encounters | What thing did you keep encountering this year over and over again? Was it something you learned from or just a strange coincidence?
1. Eh. I'm pretty much right where I was 23 days ago. That's not a bad thing. What I hope is that NEXT year on Dec. 1 that I have moved ahead.
2014 is going to be my year because I've addressed the health stuff that this year has been all about, and I am more aware than ever before that this is MY life and if I don't make the absolute most of it, it's all my fault.
In 2014 I am going to do a lot more things that make me happy and hang with people who I like and will not be driven by guilt or obligation.
In 2014 I am going to feel HEALTHY because I will get my butt to the gym and improve stability and endurance. I am going to feel HAPPY because I am loved, I have enough, and I am so, so blessed.
In 2014 I am not going to allow anything to take my focus off my own life and well-being. I cannot save anyone else. I cannot fix anyone else. I can only live the best life I can.
In December 2014 I am going to look back and say WOW! That was SO FUN. Let's do MORE!
I did not do Reverb 12 because I was preparing for surgery and working on my energy. But this year has been one of recovery and healing from where I was last year, no doubt about that.
2. This year was a huge year for setting boundaries and sticking to them, and finally understanding that the only life I have any real control over is my own. And then I took that control and relinquished the financial reins for my daughter's disability. YES. No strange coincidence here. I worked HARD at it and at developing positive energy for ME.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Reverb 13, Day 17: My word; my habits
1. What word did you select to be your travelling companion in 2013? What gifts did this word bring?
What word will you choose to guide you through 2014? What do you hope it will bring into your life?
2. 30 days | They say it takes 30 days to make or break a habit. What did you start? What did you quit?
1. The word for 2013 was clearly Recovery. I suppose I chose it through the decision to have the surgery at the tail end of December, knowing that at the least the first four or five months of the year would be devoted to healing and rehabilitation, but it was not a ritualistic choice as I have done in a few past years, choosing three or four from among many words to guide me in the new year.
The word brought just that, but with it were blessings I have outlined elsewhere on these pages -- BEing instead of DOing, silence and stillness, easy conversations, humbling gifts of friendship, and accepting help in so many other ways. As the year continued and I was no longer walking with a cane, I found recovery in setting healthy boundaries for myself as well.
I will choose a word(s) at the end of this year to guide me through 2014. I want to choose more things that make me happy. I want to focus more on what is right in front of me and less on projecting possible (and unlikely) outcomes to issues and fears. The words will find me.
2. The habit I began was regular visits to the gym for rehab on my foot, and then continuing after the prescribed visits were finished. It was a good one. And I quit going when the outside temperatures here exceeded 112, which is just too hot to do anything, including getting into a car and driving to an air-conditioned gym. And then we were traveling for several weeks at a couple of different times, further screwing regular visits to the gym or to yoga.
I will do this again. It needs to be a part of my routine for my own sake, for my health and well-being and safety.
Reverb 13, Day 16:
1. Habits and addictions, some are silly, some serious; when we
have issues without answers, they can hold us so tight that we stop
moving forward with the life we intended.
Were you able to loosen those fetters this year, and if you
were successful, how did you manage it? Did you accept outside help, or
work alone?
If you still feel that grasp of addiction or hurtful habits, what will you do differently in the year to come?
2. 1,000 Words
| There's the old saying that a photo is worth 1,000 words. Give us a
photo with that impact that sums up some significant even of your 2013,
or give us 1,000 words about a pivotal moment in 2013.
1. While I have issues without answers, I suppose, I don't really classify them as 'addictions' or 'habits.' I am no stranger to either, mind you, but they also are old, old news.
I have indeed taken steps in 2013 to address things that have occupied far more mind time than I really want to spend thinking about them, and will continue that process into 2014.
For those who are battling addiction to anything, get help. A 12-step program is available for just about any possible issue these days, especially in California where everyone has a 12-step story. And it works as long as you work it.
2. This is not my photo, but I have an xray that looks almost identical. My triple arthrodesis recovery was probably the most significant event this year for me. Yay! It's good!
1. While I have issues without answers, I suppose, I don't really classify them as 'addictions' or 'habits.' I am no stranger to either, mind you, but they also are old, old news.
I have indeed taken steps in 2013 to address things that have occupied far more mind time than I really want to spend thinking about them, and will continue that process into 2014.
For those who are battling addiction to anything, get help. A 12-step program is available for just about any possible issue these days, especially in California where everyone has a 12-step story. And it works as long as you work it.
2. This is not my photo, but I have an xray that looks almost identical. My triple arthrodesis recovery was probably the most significant event this year for me. Yay! It's good!
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Reverb 13, Day 10: Cultivating a life worth loving
1. Living life on auto-pilot can feel disorienting and dull. How did you cultivate a life worth loving during 2013?
How can you turn off your auto-pilot button in 2014?
2. Inspiration | What inspired you this year? How do you think this will impact the year to come?
1. Being mindful and present is hard work and not always a lot of fun. It means you are living right here, right now, with all the issues you may be encountering and the emotions they bring up. It is easier to escape for a bit, immersing yourself in endless games of "Candy Crush Saga" or "Bejeweled Blitz," or lurking on Facebook to see what is going on that is far more interesting than what is going on in your life.
You can fritter away a lot of time this way. And then look back at the day and wonder where it went, that day of your life that you can never get back. The day you spent chasing stupid colored balls and squares, or following links to pictures of people doing stupid or funny things.
I've done my share of that this year.
But this year I also have actively worked on creating positive energy within nearly every day. Well, at least often. I have deliberately taken days off when I am feeling overwhelmed to read books and magazines and newspapers, or to take a drive in the country with my honey, or to sit outside and pet kitties and marvel at the symmetry and beauty of nature and where we live, even on the hot days of summer . I have plowed through tasks, housekeeping-style things, like cleaning cupboards -- sometimes just one shelf a day -- or sorting through books that I no longer need or use, or tidying a drawer. Small things eventually reduce large tasks to something manageable, and help me feel as though I am moving forward.
Within those small tasks, though, is time to think, to be with my emotions and fears and issues, and not be overwhelmed by them. In that work, there is resolution as well. And getting out from underneath that constant list of to-dos is liberating, allowing me to do things that bring me happiness without the underlying feeling that I SHOULD be doing something more productive.
At least that works for me. More of that in 2014.
2. I addressed this with yesterday's post, Day 9. But there was one other person who inspired me: a woman who is a dynamo volunteer and business owner in our community, Jessie Woods. She is also a neighbor and a friend who helped me learn to create positive energy within myself, to look at what my gut tells me, and to move forward into positive action and thought. Her lessons and therapies and loving concern helped me get through some big stuff with minimal fear, and gave me tools to sustain and nurture that energy within myself. When this student was ready, that teacher was there, and I am so grateful.
Monday, December 09, 2013
Reverb 13: Day 8 -- Good stuff and adventures
1. What went right in 2013?
Maybe you didn't quit smoking or lose those pounds or go to Paris,
but something did work, did happen, and/or was realized. What was it?
2. Adventure | Did you go on an adventure in 2013? What sort?
1. Eh. See Day 7. I guess I sound like a broken record, but truly, recovering from surgery and letting go of a major pain-in-the-ass responsibility for my daughter's finances was HUGE. With both of those gone (but not forgotten), I feel more freedom to actually do what I want to do. Or figure out just what it IS that I want to do.
2. Actually, healing is a big adventure, especially allowing someone to take care of you to the extent I had to do, and there were blessings in that: I read a lot. I spent time simply BE-ing instead of always feeling like I should be DO-ing. I liked that, truthfully, and want more.
We traveled more this year than we ever have, not necessarily far from home, but still away. In September we visited our daughter and grandchildren in Seattle, saw some long-ago friends and renewed that connection, camped with my cousin and his significant other on the Oregon coast, and spent more time campiing in some interesting places on the coast for nearly three weeks. The biggest problem with that adventure was not enough down time, which we remedied with 10 days in Marin County in a pretty wooded campground where we read and watched some television and spent days by the ocean and ate healthy food and talked and talked and slept and petted kitties.
Taking the kitties camping with us was also an adventure, and we are lucky that they adapted beautifully. Turns out that as long as they're with us, they're happy boys, and as long as we're with them, we're much happier than when we left them either at home (with a caretaker looking after them twice a day) or in the 'spa' where poor McMurphy was labeled a 'biter' because he was so stressed out at being separated from us. Yes, they're spoiled. So?
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Once in a Blue August Moon -- Day 8: Letting Go
The prompt: What are three things you would like to let go of before the year is
out? See if you can list three physical things and three emotional ones.
For bonus points: conduct a burning ceremony or release your secrets into nature by writing them onto leaves/stones and dropping them into the nearest river/ocean.
Emotional
Frustration, anger, resentment, grief. Tied together in a Gordian Knot-like bundle, these emotions center on my relationship with a loved child who has a mélange of problems, some self-induced, some based (likely) on her heredity, some that began long ago and were inflicted upon her. Whether she is either incapable of or does not choose to address root causes is difficult to determine. There are resources available to help; I see little motivation. There has been a choice to engage in self-destructive behaviors, however, and so much of the story is clouded either by lies or omission that it is difficult to trust what I hear or see. I finally have been able to draw boundaries that work pretty well, but there is still grief for a relationship I'd always expected to be different than it is, and frustration that it is unlikely to change much. This one has taken years to get this far; I don't expect it to be resolved by the end of the year, or perhaps ever, but I am making a reluctant peace with what it is.
Instant judgment. Think Walmart Internet pictures here -- the people in the skimpy, inappropriate, weird, dirty clothing, or wild, sometimes offensive tattoos emblazoned on highly visible body parts, or painstakingly manicured false fingernails on someone who is holding a sign asking for money. Children screaming and running amok in stores and restaurants without any sign that a responsible adult is watching them. I judge. Not positively either. And not every case is quite as extreme as these, but I tend to rush to judgment. I want to practice looking at everyone with kind eyes instead of judgmental ones. I do not know their stories. I do not know how they love, what they do, who loves them. They cannot know mine either, this Amazonian, slightly overweight, grey-haired woman who stands behind them in line. May my eyes and heart soften this year.
Self-criticism. That damned judge who sits in my brain and officiates over his kangaroo court needs to be permanently ousted. No more shoulda-coulda-wouldas in the middle of the night. And he can take his ice weasel deputies with him. I'm pretty good just the way I am, and if I screw up once in a while, I don't have to serve time in the dungeon of despair for it.
Physical
About 20 pounds. Okay, ten pounds. Keep working at controlling portions, at snacking, especially on absolutely not good for me stuff (back, you delinquent Snickers bar, BACK to the shelf, I say!) I will get there.
Fear because of my atrial fibrillation. My regular doctor has referred me to a cardiologist, a mutual decision. His office hasn't called yet. I haven't either. A few tests and a good consultation will either confirm or allay my fears. As it is, when I'm in afib, I am anxious that there is more wrong than a mere sinus node malfunction even though I have no other apparent symptoms of heart disease. Gah.
Not going to the gym/yoga. I feel better when I go. I am stronger, have better balance, and I feel slightly self-righteous about doing good things for my body. I love the meditative movement of yoga (and plan on trying Tai Chi as well). But I am so good at making up excuses not to go 'today' -- too hot (and I DID turn into a mole when our weather was so hot for so long), things to do, going somewhere -- and that needs to stop. I am better when I do this: I need to act on it.
We're spending many days in September beside the ocean. One at a time, each of these will go to Mama Ocean's heart, and I will release the negative energy into her constant vigil, and take in the positive energy to my own soul.
Emotional
Frustration, anger, resentment, grief. Tied together in a Gordian Knot-like bundle, these emotions center on my relationship with a loved child who has a mélange of problems, some self-induced, some based (likely) on her heredity, some that began long ago and were inflicted upon her. Whether she is either incapable of or does not choose to address root causes is difficult to determine. There are resources available to help; I see little motivation. There has been a choice to engage in self-destructive behaviors, however, and so much of the story is clouded either by lies or omission that it is difficult to trust what I hear or see. I finally have been able to draw boundaries that work pretty well, but there is still grief for a relationship I'd always expected to be different than it is, and frustration that it is unlikely to change much. This one has taken years to get this far; I don't expect it to be resolved by the end of the year, or perhaps ever, but I am making a reluctant peace with what it is.
Instant judgment. Think Walmart Internet pictures here -- the people in the skimpy, inappropriate, weird, dirty clothing, or wild, sometimes offensive tattoos emblazoned on highly visible body parts, or painstakingly manicured false fingernails on someone who is holding a sign asking for money. Children screaming and running amok in stores and restaurants without any sign that a responsible adult is watching them. I judge. Not positively either. And not every case is quite as extreme as these, but I tend to rush to judgment. I want to practice looking at everyone with kind eyes instead of judgmental ones. I do not know their stories. I do not know how they love, what they do, who loves them. They cannot know mine either, this Amazonian, slightly overweight, grey-haired woman who stands behind them in line. May my eyes and heart soften this year.
Self-criticism. That damned judge who sits in my brain and officiates over his kangaroo court needs to be permanently ousted. No more shoulda-coulda-wouldas in the middle of the night. And he can take his ice weasel deputies with him. I'm pretty good just the way I am, and if I screw up once in a while, I don't have to serve time in the dungeon of despair for it.
Physical
About 20 pounds. Okay, ten pounds. Keep working at controlling portions, at snacking, especially on absolutely not good for me stuff (back, you delinquent Snickers bar, BACK to the shelf, I say!) I will get there.
Fear because of my atrial fibrillation. My regular doctor has referred me to a cardiologist, a mutual decision. His office hasn't called yet. I haven't either. A few tests and a good consultation will either confirm or allay my fears. As it is, when I'm in afib, I am anxious that there is more wrong than a mere sinus node malfunction even though I have no other apparent symptoms of heart disease. Gah.
Not going to the gym/yoga. I feel better when I go. I am stronger, have better balance, and I feel slightly self-righteous about doing good things for my body. I love the meditative movement of yoga (and plan on trying Tai Chi as well). But I am so good at making up excuses not to go 'today' -- too hot (and I DID turn into a mole when our weather was so hot for so long), things to do, going somewhere -- and that needs to stop. I am better when I do this: I need to act on it.
We're spending many days in September beside the ocean. One at a time, each of these will go to Mama Ocean's heart, and I will release the negative energy into her constant vigil, and take in the positive energy to my own soul.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Once in a Blue August Moon 13: Day 4 -- The Word
The prompt: What word did you choose as your travelling companion in 2013? How is it
working for you? Where have the surprises been? If you didn’t choose a
guiding word, what word sums up your year so far? And why?
I didn't so much choose the word as it chose me. Really, given the surgery I had at the end of December and the painful walking that I experienced most of last year, clearly the word for 2013 had to be 'Recovery.'
I expected it to be primarily about my physical recovery. I'd had a triple arthrodesis -- a fusing of the three primary joints in my ankle -- and from all the research I'd done, I knew recovery could take up to a year. My energy teacher, Jessie, told me it would take four to six months. My focus was to follow doctor's orders, healing energy work, and doing all I could do.
By Feb. 20, slightly less than eight weeks post surgery, I was in a walking boot. Less than two weeks later, the doc told me I could transition into a shoe whenever I was ready, and I began physical therapy a week later, clinging to my walker. Physical therapy was wonderful: the therapists helped me rebuild strength, I continued to focus healing energy into that leg and throughout my body, and in no time I had graduated to walking with a cane and in my wonderful Alegria shoes. By the last PT appointment at about 18 weeks post surgery, I used the cane only on unsteady ground or to help keep some distance between me and others in crowded places. Today I go pretty much anywhere, although if I'm walking on a trail or land, I want a walking stick. While there is still some numbness in my toes and along the outer edge of my foot, I walk better than I have in a long time. My energy is good. My attitude is positive.
What surprised me is that the level of recovery went so very much deeper. Enforced rest and non-weight-bearing gave me time to think and reflect on what I'd been doing, what made me happy, what made me feel anxious and tense. I didn't do things I'd previously taken on through my admittedly overdeveloped sense of commitment because I couldn't do them physically, and for those things I could not back out of, I found other ways to handle them, unexpectedly freeing me from a lot of that false responsibility for someone else's actions/choices that I'd assumed. Nope, I can't pick you up from the hospital. Nope, I can't bring you a check today. No, I am no longer able to serve in that position. Nope, nope, NO.
Somewhere in all that time, I decided that I am not going to do things that I don't feel passionate about. I am not going to spend my time with people I don't enjoy being with, or who make me feel less than. I am going to take care of me first, not second or last. I will do more of what makes me happy. If I feel tense or angry or taken advantage of, I'm out. My focus is on saving the only life, living the only life that I can -- mine.
What a gift, this recovery! Those choices have not closed me off, they have opened me up to possibilities, to fully enjoying and participating and caring, and to new ways of being, more fulfilling, to a more generous life. I no longer feel anxious and angry and tense (well, hardly ever), and I know how to work with those feelings when they do surface.
I'm not recovered. I am recovering, just like an alcoholic who stops drinking but knows s/he is only one drink away from relapse. It is a process that requires daily attention and intention, this living joyfully stuff. If I don't work with my body and my foot, I will relapse into laziness and pain. If I don't work with my mind, I will relapse into old, long-practiced behaviors.
I like where I am too much to stop working on this recovery thing.
I didn't so much choose the word as it chose me. Really, given the surgery I had at the end of December and the painful walking that I experienced most of last year, clearly the word for 2013 had to be 'Recovery.'
I expected it to be primarily about my physical recovery. I'd had a triple arthrodesis -- a fusing of the three primary joints in my ankle -- and from all the research I'd done, I knew recovery could take up to a year. My energy teacher, Jessie, told me it would take four to six months. My focus was to follow doctor's orders, healing energy work, and doing all I could do.
By Feb. 20, slightly less than eight weeks post surgery, I was in a walking boot. Less than two weeks later, the doc told me I could transition into a shoe whenever I was ready, and I began physical therapy a week later, clinging to my walker. Physical therapy was wonderful: the therapists helped me rebuild strength, I continued to focus healing energy into that leg and throughout my body, and in no time I had graduated to walking with a cane and in my wonderful Alegria shoes. By the last PT appointment at about 18 weeks post surgery, I used the cane only on unsteady ground or to help keep some distance between me and others in crowded places. Today I go pretty much anywhere, although if I'm walking on a trail or land, I want a walking stick. While there is still some numbness in my toes and along the outer edge of my foot, I walk better than I have in a long time. My energy is good. My attitude is positive.
What surprised me is that the level of recovery went so very much deeper. Enforced rest and non-weight-bearing gave me time to think and reflect on what I'd been doing, what made me happy, what made me feel anxious and tense. I didn't do things I'd previously taken on through my admittedly overdeveloped sense of commitment because I couldn't do them physically, and for those things I could not back out of, I found other ways to handle them, unexpectedly freeing me from a lot of that false responsibility for someone else's actions/choices that I'd assumed. Nope, I can't pick you up from the hospital. Nope, I can't bring you a check today. No, I am no longer able to serve in that position. Nope, nope, NO.
Somewhere in all that time, I decided that I am not going to do things that I don't feel passionate about. I am not going to spend my time with people I don't enjoy being with, or who make me feel less than. I am going to take care of me first, not second or last. I will do more of what makes me happy. If I feel tense or angry or taken advantage of, I'm out. My focus is on saving the only life, living the only life that I can -- mine.
What a gift, this recovery! Those choices have not closed me off, they have opened me up to possibilities, to fully enjoying and participating and caring, and to new ways of being, more fulfilling, to a more generous life. I no longer feel anxious and angry and tense (well, hardly ever), and I know how to work with those feelings when they do surface.
I'm not recovered. I am recovering, just like an alcoholic who stops drinking but knows s/he is only one drink away from relapse. It is a process that requires daily attention and intention, this living joyfully stuff. If I don't work with my body and my foot, I will relapse into laziness and pain. If I don't work with my mind, I will relapse into old, long-practiced behaviors.
I like where I am too much to stop working on this recovery thing.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Once in a Blue Moon -- Day 1
For the next 11 days, I'm going to try to participate in August Moon 13, a writing prompt exercise from a couple of bloggers I read regularly. I tend to respond well to prompts, and even though the next week or so looks very busy as we prepare for a trip to see family, it is good for me to exercise this part of my creative self.
You can participate too. Just click here to sign up.
Today's prompt: How have you treated yourself this year? Have you kept your intentions?
My intention for this year was very simple: to recover as completely as physically possible from the foot/ankle reconstruction surgery I had in late December.
I am doing that. For the first two-plus months of the year, I was totally non-weight-bearing, although somewhat mobile, thanks to my knee scooter and a wheelchair. My wonderful husband prepared meals, did shopping, fed cats, retrieved mail and papers, and helped me as needed while I pretty much sat in his recliner with my foot elevated and read, watched movies, and worked on healing energy flowing through my body and into my leg and foot.
Three months of physical therapy re-started everything: I was becoming mobile, regaining strength, reclaiming my self and letting go of parts I no longer wanted in my life. While my foot is still healing, with some numbness still in the toes and ball of the foot, it is stronger and more sure than it has been for more than a year, and I can walk without pain, although as with anything, when I over-do, I can feel it the next day. It's been a long time since I used the cane too, although I'm not sure I want to try a lot of uneven or sloping walks without a walking stick for balance.
And that's fine: if we need a little support to help balance ourselves, we should use it -- no matter whether physical or emotional or mental or spiritual.
I've been blessed with support this year from friends as well as from my husband, and I am deeply grateful for the visits, the meals, the prayers, the conversations, and the love. Knowing the difference it has made in my recovery, I am determined to help others along the way as they need help.
I am still too hard on myself. I still feel like I should 'accomplish' something every day in a very practical way -- cleaning, exercising, cooking, sorting through the closets and drawers and boxes that contain things that no longer serve our needs and finding new homes for them or discarding them. But I am remembering those early months of this year when it was enough just to 'be,' not to 'do.' There is accomplishment in reading, in resting, in petting kitties, and in contemplation as well.
I continue to understand that mine is the only life I can save, although some days I need to read Mary Oliver's miraculous poem "The Journey" several times to remember that.
You can participate too. Just click here to sign up.
Today's prompt: How have you treated yourself this year? Have you kept your intentions?
My intention for this year was very simple: to recover as completely as physically possible from the foot/ankle reconstruction surgery I had in late December.
I am doing that. For the first two-plus months of the year, I was totally non-weight-bearing, although somewhat mobile, thanks to my knee scooter and a wheelchair. My wonderful husband prepared meals, did shopping, fed cats, retrieved mail and papers, and helped me as needed while I pretty much sat in his recliner with my foot elevated and read, watched movies, and worked on healing energy flowing through my body and into my leg and foot.
Three months of physical therapy re-started everything: I was becoming mobile, regaining strength, reclaiming my self and letting go of parts I no longer wanted in my life. While my foot is still healing, with some numbness still in the toes and ball of the foot, it is stronger and more sure than it has been for more than a year, and I can walk without pain, although as with anything, when I over-do, I can feel it the next day. It's been a long time since I used the cane too, although I'm not sure I want to try a lot of uneven or sloping walks without a walking stick for balance.
And that's fine: if we need a little support to help balance ourselves, we should use it -- no matter whether physical or emotional or mental or spiritual.
I've been blessed with support this year from friends as well as from my husband, and I am deeply grateful for the visits, the meals, the prayers, the conversations, and the love. Knowing the difference it has made in my recovery, I am determined to help others along the way as they need help.
I am still too hard on myself. I still feel like I should 'accomplish' something every day in a very practical way -- cleaning, exercising, cooking, sorting through the closets and drawers and boxes that contain things that no longer serve our needs and finding new homes for them or discarding them. But I am remembering those early months of this year when it was enough just to 'be,' not to 'do.' There is accomplishment in reading, in resting, in petting kitties, and in contemplation as well.
I continue to understand that mine is the only life I can save, although some days I need to read Mary Oliver's miraculous poem "The Journey" several times to remember that.
“All shall be well, and all
shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.” ― Julian of
Norwich
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Same old, same old ... sorta
I'm still spending a lot of time reading with my foot up, but last week I graduated to a cam walker boot and am now lurching from room to room using a walker.
Nothing like a walker tricked out with a basket in front and glides on the rear legs to make you feel old.
But it helps me with balance and to ease the stress of putting weight on a foot that's been screwed and glued back together, and that hasn't had weight on it for two months. The leg looks better than it did a week ago, when it was all flakey skin and emaciated muscle and bloody steristrips, but bearing weight causes some redness and swelling -- something the doc said is needed for the bone to heal well -- and some discomfort -- even downright pain, especially on the side and heel. Tylenol takes care of it pretty well.
I don't know how long I'll be in it, but suspect it'll be at least another two or three weeks minimum. I'm most afraid of falls at this point, so am very careful where I put my feet.
We take a lot for granted when we're younger, don't we -- skipping about on heels and flimsy sandals, thinking little about walking in fashionable boots on icy sidewalks, going barefooted outside and in. Time was when I jumped rope and skipped and danced and tromped around on uneven rocks and ground, generally fearless. No more, although I'm not quite sure when that left me. I suppose that's another sign of aging, that awareness of how damaging a fall can be.
At any rate, I'm in another phase of healing, and still am grateful for how well the foot has healed, how little desire I have to resume life as I was living it before the surgery, and how free I am feeling to do things that I want to do, like reading and watching movies. I still feel very positive about the outcome and am grateful to all the friends who have helped us in this process.
*****************
So I'm still reading. Lots of beach-type reading, actually -- nothing in this group would classify as literary fiction. Most were either free or under $3. The Kindle Deal of the Day can be pretty good, as can the list of top Kindle books under $3 or the top 100 free books.
The Witch's Daughter was not as good as I'd have liked it to be. It switches back and forth from present day to the character's past, and I could easily put it down. (A 2.99 pricetag when I bought it.)
The Rose Garden was also fairly predictable, although mostly entertaining. Some time travel in this one, but not a compelling read. (99 cents when i got it.)
The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane was a bit more engrossing and included a bunch of Salem witch trial history. Price was definitely right at $2.99.
The Fortune Quilt was sort of fun, and it was a Kindle freebie at the time. (Kindle owning friends -- I can lend this one. Let me know.) I liked the vivid descriptions of the little Arizona town and some of the plot twists.
Firefly Beach was iffy. I know it had a lot of favorable reviews, but I thought it was too heavy on the narrative and rather stilted on the slightly paranormal aspect. The time frame was unrealistic and many plot elements stretched belief to the point of breaking. I can lend it, but am glad it was on the free list and that I didn't pay for it.
The Blue Tail (a gift) and The Fish Wife (lent to me) were both paperback books, and I just loved them. The Blue Tail includes poetry by Mary Oliver and is set mostly in Bandon, Oregon -- one of my favorite coastal places -- and is about a teenager understanding and accepting her heritage and worth. What was not to love!
The Fish Wife is a fantasy-filled story that takes the reader from misty Ireland to the desert Southwest, and enchantingly fills in the story of the Old Mermaids in the desert. It was a quick read and lovely. The author has a great ear for dialogue and I loved that I could 'hear' the characters tell the story.
I've got several other freebies loaded on the Kindle, and am reading one now that was recommended to me by a blog reader: The Accidental Peacemaker. Being the bargain hunger that I am (and realizing that not only is this a first-time novelist, the book is also self-published), I could not see paying $10, but I was able to use the Amazon Prime Library to borrow it!
It's kind of all over the place with a LOT of detailed location description (I could drive to most places mentioned from the directions), a plot that is interesting but that goes into a lot of directions: is it an action thriller about local militias and Muslim training camps? A romance between middle-aged people? A finding-oneself introspective novel? A guide to fishing in Oregon? A self-help how-to book on meditation? Huh. I'm still reading it but have NO idea where it's going.
I'll give you the lowdown when I'm finished with it.
**************
I'm also sort of doing an e-class on being a Spiritual Nomad. Sort of, because I'm not actually DOING a lot of the exercises, although I'm THINKING them through and that in itself is an interesting process. Tony and I have talked through some of the projects too, which has made for some good conversation. I understand how I got to where I am spiritually (at least better) and the influences on my spiritual life, and even did a Guru board on Pinterest, which was sort of fun and revealing. I suspect I'll come back to some of the lessons and contemplate or even perform some of the tasks a little more thoroughly.
What I'm understanding, though, is what I pretty much knew: I miss having a community of like-minded people to interact with on a regular basis, to celebrate ritual events with, to sing and celebrate with. My beliefs are not easily categorized into a denomination or even a 'religion,' but are based in a belief in a higher power and a strong ethical belief system.
It's been good for me, though, and it fits with all the gratitude and energy work I've been doing. Cultivating that positive outlook and enjoying where I am is a huge gift.
************
Movies and television! We've seen a bunch over the last two-plus months. Just watched the Showtime documentary "History of the Eagles,' about the 1970s-present day band, and loved seeing how they evolved and changed, and hearing the music again. Loved 'The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel' with an older ensemble cast. I've seen several unremarkable ones that were fun and entertaining but nothing I'd go out of my way to see, too. We continue to enjoy several regular series, including Enlightened, Californication (!!!), Shameless, and House of Lies currently on HBO and Showtime, and Person of Interest and Scandal on network TV. I also watch Grey's Anatomy, Smash, The New Normal, and Monday Mornings, and try to catch Glee (although this year has been disappointing). We've sampled The Americans (still evaluating), The Following, and Banshee (and removed those two from our list). With TV schedules bringing in new shows far more often, that list will change over the next few months, I'm sure.
And that's where I am.
Nothing like a walker tricked out with a basket in front and glides on the rear legs to make you feel old.
But it helps me with balance and to ease the stress of putting weight on a foot that's been screwed and glued back together, and that hasn't had weight on it for two months. The leg looks better than it did a week ago, when it was all flakey skin and emaciated muscle and bloody steristrips, but bearing weight causes some redness and swelling -- something the doc said is needed for the bone to heal well -- and some discomfort -- even downright pain, especially on the side and heel. Tylenol takes care of it pretty well.
I don't know how long I'll be in it, but suspect it'll be at least another two or three weeks minimum. I'm most afraid of falls at this point, so am very careful where I put my feet.
We take a lot for granted when we're younger, don't we -- skipping about on heels and flimsy sandals, thinking little about walking in fashionable boots on icy sidewalks, going barefooted outside and in. Time was when I jumped rope and skipped and danced and tromped around on uneven rocks and ground, generally fearless. No more, although I'm not quite sure when that left me. I suppose that's another sign of aging, that awareness of how damaging a fall can be.
At any rate, I'm in another phase of healing, and still am grateful for how well the foot has healed, how little desire I have to resume life as I was living it before the surgery, and how free I am feeling to do things that I want to do, like reading and watching movies. I still feel very positive about the outcome and am grateful to all the friends who have helped us in this process.
*****************
So I'm still reading. Lots of beach-type reading, actually -- nothing in this group would classify as literary fiction. Most were either free or under $3. The Kindle Deal of the Day can be pretty good, as can the list of top Kindle books under $3 or the top 100 free books.
The Witch's Daughter was not as good as I'd have liked it to be. It switches back and forth from present day to the character's past, and I could easily put it down. (A 2.99 pricetag when I bought it.)
The Rose Garden was also fairly predictable, although mostly entertaining. Some time travel in this one, but not a compelling read. (99 cents when i got it.)
The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane was a bit more engrossing and included a bunch of Salem witch trial history. Price was definitely right at $2.99.
The Fortune Quilt was sort of fun, and it was a Kindle freebie at the time. (Kindle owning friends -- I can lend this one. Let me know.) I liked the vivid descriptions of the little Arizona town and some of the plot twists.
Firefly Beach was iffy. I know it had a lot of favorable reviews, but I thought it was too heavy on the narrative and rather stilted on the slightly paranormal aspect. The time frame was unrealistic and many plot elements stretched belief to the point of breaking. I can lend it, but am glad it was on the free list and that I didn't pay for it.
The Blue Tail (a gift) and The Fish Wife (lent to me) were both paperback books, and I just loved them. The Blue Tail includes poetry by Mary Oliver and is set mostly in Bandon, Oregon -- one of my favorite coastal places -- and is about a teenager understanding and accepting her heritage and worth. What was not to love!
The Fish Wife is a fantasy-filled story that takes the reader from misty Ireland to the desert Southwest, and enchantingly fills in the story of the Old Mermaids in the desert. It was a quick read and lovely. The author has a great ear for dialogue and I loved that I could 'hear' the characters tell the story.
I've got several other freebies loaded on the Kindle, and am reading one now that was recommended to me by a blog reader: The Accidental Peacemaker. Being the bargain hunger that I am (and realizing that not only is this a first-time novelist, the book is also self-published), I could not see paying $10, but I was able to use the Amazon Prime Library to borrow it!
It's kind of all over the place with a LOT of detailed location description (I could drive to most places mentioned from the directions), a plot that is interesting but that goes into a lot of directions: is it an action thriller about local militias and Muslim training camps? A romance between middle-aged people? A finding-oneself introspective novel? A guide to fishing in Oregon? A self-help how-to book on meditation? Huh. I'm still reading it but have NO idea where it's going.
I'll give you the lowdown when I'm finished with it.
**************
I'm also sort of doing an e-class on being a Spiritual Nomad. Sort of, because I'm not actually DOING a lot of the exercises, although I'm THINKING them through and that in itself is an interesting process. Tony and I have talked through some of the projects too, which has made for some good conversation. I understand how I got to where I am spiritually (at least better) and the influences on my spiritual life, and even did a Guru board on Pinterest, which was sort of fun and revealing. I suspect I'll come back to some of the lessons and contemplate or even perform some of the tasks a little more thoroughly.
What I'm understanding, though, is what I pretty much knew: I miss having a community of like-minded people to interact with on a regular basis, to celebrate ritual events with, to sing and celebrate with. My beliefs are not easily categorized into a denomination or even a 'religion,' but are based in a belief in a higher power and a strong ethical belief system.
It's been good for me, though, and it fits with all the gratitude and energy work I've been doing. Cultivating that positive outlook and enjoying where I am is a huge gift.
************
Movies and television! We've seen a bunch over the last two-plus months. Just watched the Showtime documentary "History of the Eagles,' about the 1970s-present day band, and loved seeing how they evolved and changed, and hearing the music again. Loved 'The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel' with an older ensemble cast. I've seen several unremarkable ones that were fun and entertaining but nothing I'd go out of my way to see, too. We continue to enjoy several regular series, including Enlightened, Californication (!!!), Shameless, and House of Lies currently on HBO and Showtime, and Person of Interest and Scandal on network TV. I also watch Grey's Anatomy, Smash, The New Normal, and Monday Mornings, and try to catch Glee (although this year has been disappointing). We've sampled The Americans (still evaluating), The Following, and Banshee (and removed those two from our list). With TV schedules bringing in new shows far more often, that list will change over the next few months, I'm sure.
And that's where I am.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
I'm still here
....and a little embarrassed by my lack of attention to this blog, after going on three months without so much as a "Hi there."
I can't really explain it, either. Certainly life has gone on and things have happened, good and not so good. I think I went somewhere for a while, far away from creative thought or sharing mode, and it was not especially good.
But I'm here now. And in a completely different mode. Let me tell you more...
Living on one foot
After a misstep last spring and nearly six months using an ankle support, I finally was able to see an orthopedist about the pain I had when I walked much at all, even with the orthotics I've used for five years and in my 'comfort' shoes. Crippling pain, folks, hobbling along with a cane on some days, my left leg feeling wooden from the knee down.
Turns out I have severe arthritis in the joints there, compounded by a severely flat foot, fixable through surgery called a triple arthrodesis. So we began to plan, with surgery finally scheduled for Dec. 27.
I will say that we were prepared: the first time I've ever had the luxury of actually anticipating the surgery and recovery period. I read health message boards, researched the procedure, figured out what medical supplies would help, and began freezing soups and stews and casseroles. Friends lent me a bedside commode, a transport wheelchair, a shower chair. We got toilet rails and in lieu of crutches, a knee roller. I practiced using just one foot to get into the shower (not doable, but it works in the big tub), to get off the toilet.
Although this was 'elective' surgery, the alternative is literally crippling, and I'm just not ready or willing to go there. So in my mind, there wasn't an option. Even though I wanted to go through with it, I found myself gradually getting more anxious, more afraid -- and that mindset likely had a great deal to do with my not blogging.
Finally I reached out to a local healer friend who works with energy and reiki and asked for help -- and it made a HUGE difference almost immediately. On her advice and with her help, I turned my focus inward, concentrating almost wholly on me -- something I have almost never done for very long, and always still trying to juggle the other commitments and relationships I have had. This time I found other, easier ways to handle existing commitments and completely backed out of others, and came home to my honey, my cats, and myself. And focused on increasing energy, positive energy, in myself and in that wooden leg.
It worked, really well. And going into surgery, I felt positive about my recovery, positive about the surgery, and actually was walking better than I had in a long time. I could feel the leg again. It was connected to my body, and I felt whole. The morning of the surgery, I was ready, I was calm, I was positive.
I confess to an unreasonable fear of general anesthesia, which I always have come out of (and have never been told that I had difficulty with) gasping and groggy and grateful that I am still alive. Although I'd hoped to do a spinal block along with a local nerve block and thus remain more or less awake, it turned out that one medication I'd taken the morning of the surgery negated that option for safety concerns, and under I went, after only a little meltdown, and indeed, I came out groggy and gasping. But within a few hours, I was coherent and without pain and so, so grateful.
That's where I am now.
I am two weeks post-op and spending much of my time in Tony's recliner with my foot propped above my heart. There has been only minimal swelling, almost no pain**, and I am not stir-crazy. Indeed, that inward focus continues, and I'm contemplating spirit and prayer and quiet and purpose and just learning to BE instead of DO. I'm leaving other people's business and conflicts to them rather than offering opinions (unsolicited) or help (which I am in no position to give). For now, that is what my work is supposed to be.
**The nerve block did not wear off for 30+ hours, and when it did, it hurt. I spent one night in the hospital taking pain meds and using the nifty pain pump, but was so nauseated that I regretted all of the meds. Since then I have taken the strong stuff sparingly (it has such nasty side effects) and have used just the occasional Tylenol to ease discomfort. But what I had been told was a hugely painful surgery (involving screws and cutting into bone) has turned out for me to be nothing more than a few aches and twinges (nerve regeneration causes some leg jumping and zingers, but it's not so much painful as it is frustratingly random).
Grateful. Beyond. Measure.
Time for the recliner now.
"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." Albert Schweitzer
I can't really explain it, either. Certainly life has gone on and things have happened, good and not so good. I think I went somewhere for a while, far away from creative thought or sharing mode, and it was not especially good.
But I'm here now. And in a completely different mode. Let me tell you more...
Living on one foot
After a misstep last spring and nearly six months using an ankle support, I finally was able to see an orthopedist about the pain I had when I walked much at all, even with the orthotics I've used for five years and in my 'comfort' shoes. Crippling pain, folks, hobbling along with a cane on some days, my left leg feeling wooden from the knee down.
Turns out I have severe arthritis in the joints there, compounded by a severely flat foot, fixable through surgery called a triple arthrodesis. So we began to plan, with surgery finally scheduled for Dec. 27.
I will say that we were prepared: the first time I've ever had the luxury of actually anticipating the surgery and recovery period. I read health message boards, researched the procedure, figured out what medical supplies would help, and began freezing soups and stews and casseroles. Friends lent me a bedside commode, a transport wheelchair, a shower chair. We got toilet rails and in lieu of crutches, a knee roller. I practiced using just one foot to get into the shower (not doable, but it works in the big tub), to get off the toilet.
Although this was 'elective' surgery, the alternative is literally crippling, and I'm just not ready or willing to go there. So in my mind, there wasn't an option. Even though I wanted to go through with it, I found myself gradually getting more anxious, more afraid -- and that mindset likely had a great deal to do with my not blogging.
Finally I reached out to a local healer friend who works with energy and reiki and asked for help -- and it made a HUGE difference almost immediately. On her advice and with her help, I turned my focus inward, concentrating almost wholly on me -- something I have almost never done for very long, and always still trying to juggle the other commitments and relationships I have had. This time I found other, easier ways to handle existing commitments and completely backed out of others, and came home to my honey, my cats, and myself. And focused on increasing energy, positive energy, in myself and in that wooden leg.
It worked, really well. And going into surgery, I felt positive about my recovery, positive about the surgery, and actually was walking better than I had in a long time. I could feel the leg again. It was connected to my body, and I felt whole. The morning of the surgery, I was ready, I was calm, I was positive.
I confess to an unreasonable fear of general anesthesia, which I always have come out of (and have never been told that I had difficulty with) gasping and groggy and grateful that I am still alive. Although I'd hoped to do a spinal block along with a local nerve block and thus remain more or less awake, it turned out that one medication I'd taken the morning of the surgery negated that option for safety concerns, and under I went, after only a little meltdown, and indeed, I came out groggy and gasping. But within a few hours, I was coherent and without pain and so, so grateful.
That's where I am now.
I am two weeks post-op and spending much of my time in Tony's recliner with my foot propped above my heart. There has been only minimal swelling, almost no pain**, and I am not stir-crazy. Indeed, that inward focus continues, and I'm contemplating spirit and prayer and quiet and purpose and just learning to BE instead of DO. I'm leaving other people's business and conflicts to them rather than offering opinions (unsolicited) or help (which I am in no position to give). For now, that is what my work is supposed to be.
**The nerve block did not wear off for 30+ hours, and when it did, it hurt. I spent one night in the hospital taking pain meds and using the nifty pain pump, but was so nauseated that I regretted all of the meds. Since then I have taken the strong stuff sparingly (it has such nasty side effects) and have used just the occasional Tylenol to ease discomfort. But what I had been told was a hugely painful surgery (involving screws and cutting into bone) has turned out for me to be nothing more than a few aches and twinges (nerve regeneration causes some leg jumping and zingers, but it's not so much painful as it is frustratingly random).
Grateful. Beyond. Measure.
Time for the recliner now.
"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." Albert Schweitzer
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