#Reverb14, Day 19

1. Today, I invite you to consider: what sorts of signs and symbols have recurred for you in 2014? Think: repeating colours, shapes, people, sayings, music, images, ideas. Where could they possibly be leading you?

2. Challenges.  What did you wrestle with in 2014?  What did you learn?  What challenges do you foresee in 2015?

1. Spirals have caught my eye all year. They are an ancient symbol with various meanings in art and in spirituality, but also play an important role in science, math, and nature.  I've noticed them everywhere. The spiral is integrated into reiki symbolism and also in spirituality. 

This year has been one of more attention to spirituality for me, especially in learning with my reiki group and doing all the wonderful travel that we have done. I think the signs are there for me to keep pursuing this inner journey.

2. I've pretty much written about this already -- overcoming fear and anxiety, especially cardiac anxiety -- and working with healing to change my fears. 

I'm not anticipating big challenges in 2015 -- I think just continuing to follow the spiritual path and to get my strength back after surgery in January will be challenge enough.  

#Reverb 14, Day 7

1. Please post your favourite picture of yourself from 2014, self-portrait or otherwise!

2. Victory Laps: What was your biggest accomplishment this year?

This was taken in June at Collier Memorial State Park in Oregon where we were camping, not that you can see much of it! 

2. My biggest accomplishment? Overcoming the extreme anxiety and fear related to my heart and atrial fibrillation to have a cardiac ablation in August. So far, so good.  

In no small measure, that is because of the reiki group and training I've had this year. I am so grateful to this little group of strong, spiritual, kind women who have helped me through the fear into a place of peace. 

 

 

August Moon 14: Day 8 -- Manifesting

Kat tells us to 'put out the call.' Who could help you manifest your dream life? Ask the universe for what you need. And she generously invites us to write that in a letter, mail it to her, and she'll mail it back.

I've done this one. I have wanted a community of spirit to share and learn, and I'm in it now. I've taken  Level I Reiki classes from two wonderful local teachers and practice it regularly on myself and with a group monthly, and other friends as often as we can do it. We talk. We share. We support and learn. But I asked the Universe to bring it to me, to help me keep open eyes and heart to see it.

That's what I need to be doing at this time in my life: paying attention to spirit and how to manifest more of it in my life. And that's working.

August Moon Day 6: That fiery feeling

What are the signs that you are on fire?

....how does it feel in your body when something really gets you going? Think about the last time you felt really turned on by something. Sink into the feelings and capture them as accurately as you can.
What is the catalyst for this feeling? What is it that you love about feeling this way? 

Ah.  And there lies the problem right now. I am not on fire about anything, not really. And I wish I were (ah, but read on....perhaps in introspection there is also fire!)

Right now all my attention is focused on me, my health, and getting stronger and continuing to feel good. That's where it belongs, too. I am my most important priority.

The reiki level 1 classes that I recently took were right on the mark, but in a different way than I've experienced before. The benefit was for me, not for a group or a cause. I learned new things and techniques, I was able to share that with a group of committed women who also were interested in learning and in sharing with each other, and I got to practice the techniques both on myself and on others in our class. It was a wonderful three days. It was a bonding time as well for some new friendships.

It was calmer, though, not fiery. Very intensely focused, totally present in the moment, and so much of it was internal. It was not a 'Save the World' moment, not even a passionate cause moment as I've experienced them in the past. It was quieter, very intense, draining even, and immensely joyful.

{{{LIGHTBULB MOMENT}}}
So maybe I actually WAS on fire, but differently. Huh. Hadn't thought of it like that.

I am committed to practicing reiki on myself and extending it to others, and to learning more about how it works and encouraging my intuition and the presence of Spirit in my life.  I want to grow the friendships I've begun (and deepen those already established): a community centered around Spirit has been one of the things I've felt lacking in my life for some time.'

I've believed for a long time that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. That's happening. Go, me!

Geographic 'cure' -- usually doesn't work

Are you familiar with the term 'geographic cure'? It's when you believe that a change of residence will 'cure' your addiction to any substance, or your poor lifestyle choices, or your out-of-control gambling/spending/shopping/eating/sex/whatever habits, and instantly give you new, much better for you friends and a new life.

In all fairness, sometimes a move can certainly help the situation, especially if you move to a place where you have few, if any, ties, and you are utterly committed to changing what brought you down in the first place.

But most of the time it doesn't work very well.

Because the issues you want to escape are internal ones, perhaps manifested outwardly by your choice of friends, your habits, your living situation. Change the scenery you may, but changing the interior issues is not as easy, and it is often lonely and discouraging (at first) work.

No matter where you go, there you are.

That appears to be the case with R, alas. The geography change wasn't very far, in the first place,and within a week of her move, she has invited a friend back into her life who is herself struggling with several issues and has a following of questionable friends. Evidence appearing this week seems to indicate that R's 'fresh start' is little more than a change in residence and furnishings.

So it's a reminder that I can save only one life: my own. It's a reminder that I cannot fix anyone except myself. It's a reminder that I need to work my own program, one day at a time, focusing on 'what is' rather than 'what I would like it to be' or even 'what I am afraid it is.'

Our minds are powerful: I can imagine scenarios and create fear and generate worry with nothing more than a handful of observations. I can cause sleepless nights and churning stomach and lump-in-the-throat anxiety.

But I can also focus on the here and now, one moment at a time, and on what is in my own life: a beautiful day, an engaging book, a good yoga workout, a few good friends who listen and soothe, and remember that I am powerless over people, places, and things. I do not have to live with imagined consequences of another's choices.

My daughter has her own path, her own journey, to take care of, and I have mine. I have no responsibility for hers, and I will not sacrifice my own life and my journey. That is a choice I make daily, and that is the most loving thing I can do for both of us. God is not finished with her yet, and she is stronger than she may think she is.

Reverb 13: Day 13: Community and favorite things

1. The phrase “It takes a village” is often bandied about, in reference to child-rearing, running a business, just about everything. But if you’re anything like me, you may not be a natural born collaborator.

In 2014, how could you explore what community means to you?

It might be a question of sharing the load, asking for help or signing on someone with a complementary skill set. Or it could be about a creative collaboration that pushes you to explore new ideas and media.

Where might the alchemy be?

2. Favorite things | Give us a list of your favorite things from 2013.  Could be material items, food, people, anything!

1. I don't know that I am a natural collaborator although I certainly did and can work with others on a project. I am not good at asking for help, not necessarily because I think I can do it better, but because I don't want to inconvenience anyone. And yes, okay, sometimes I DO think I can do it better, or at the least, get it done when I want it done and how I want it done.  This is not an especially good trait, mind you. 

One of the humbling facts of aging is that there are times when we DO need help. While I'm still a very stubborn I-can-do-it-just-fine-thank-you-very-much kind of person, I am beginning to ask for help in some cases. Sometimes I want affirmation that my instincts are valid. Sometimes I want clarification or suggestions for direction. Sometimes I simply cannot do something and need a physical boost. I'm learning to ask.

I have expressed in these pages my desire to be part of a spiritual community, however, and there is an opportunity coming in January. If the mix of people and purpose is right -- and we won't know until we actually meet -- it could be the group I have been asking for, one that will explore creative community within a spiritual context. I want to approach this with an open, beginner's mind and see where it leads. And I am so grateful to be included in the initial stages!

2. Favorite things. I've already mentioned my favorite places: our great room lit by the minilights above the glowing woodstove, with Tony and the kitties all right there; and in our bed, also with kitties, every night. Any ocean beach is simply divine too. 

I love my heated mattress pad in the winter. I love organic cotton sheets on the bed, but I also love flannel sheets when it's cold. 

I love Alegria shoes, all of them. They perfectly support my arches and reconstructed foot, they are cute and funky and comfortable, with patterns or plain to suit my every mood and outfit.

I love  Amerileather patchwork purses. They make me smile.

Hot biscuits dripping with real butter and honey is pure comfort. 

I adore my husband. I am so grateful we are together in all things.

My favorite book was Anne Lamott's "Help, Thanks, Wow," which is enlightening and comforting when I'm beset with ice weasels. I read a lot of books this year and liked some of them very much, but this one speaks to my heart and soul.

I wear the same jewelry most of the time: rings, bracelets, all very meaningful to me. But I recently had made  a silver filigree sideways angel wing necklace with a pretty chain that reminds me I am constantly surrounded with light and love.  

I am grateful that I can see, hear, walk, speak, and understand, and that I am safe and loved, and that we have enough of everything. These are the best gifts of all. 

 

 

Reverb 13, Day 2: Nourishment and the BEST moment

The prompts:

1. The way we nourish ourselves determines our ability to shine our light in the world. And nourishment doesn't just come in the form of food and drink and sunshine; it's equally important to nourish your spirit.
What made your soul feel most nourished this year?

2.  Shine: What was the best moment of 2013?

 Ah, nourishment of the soul: what feeds my spirit? 

 The arts, short answer. Theater, books, magazines, movies, music, even television. Creativity unfolding in story, notes on a scale, words on the page, actors and designers and directors creating timeless emotion and story. 

When I was recuperating from surgery, I literally could NOT do things and thus sat still for days. So I read more than I usually get to, devouring books and stories and articles daily and luxuriating in that freedom to just read. My first real excursion outside the house was to a play while I was still non-weight-bearing in a wheelchair. Nearly the first outing when I graduated to the boot and using a cane was to a play, the annual performance of The Vagina Monologues, held this year at Rolling Hills Casino. We watched movies a lot, have our favorite television shows.

They make me think. They stir my emotions and my beliefs. They help me find answers to hard questions, and ponder paths and options. Bits of music -- yes, even the dreaded earworms -- help me through difficult times and even pain (my iPod was with me in the hospital and got me through some hard and noisy hours). 

I am challenged and found and redeemed by the words I have read and seen this year, and I am so grateful for the ability to see and to hear them. 

The best moment of 2013: hmmmm.

I think the best moment was when we drove to our favorite Oregon coast spot in Bandon on our 13th wedding anniversary to spend a few days, and seeing our glorious Mama Ocean rolling in. It rained quite a bit while we were there, but we watched her from our windows facing in two directions and went places anyway. We met by the ocean 16 years ago and were married on the ocean. She never fails to settle our spirits and minimize our worries and fears, and we've happily spent many more days this year on her coast than we have in some time. But that day, May 20, we had come through months of surgery recovery and work and worry, and it was so good to be together by our beloved ocean and not to have a list of chores to do. It was a beautiful time away and apart from everything else.

Reverb 13: a look at 2013, Day 1

I do love writing to prompts, and there is such value in taking a look at the year that is ending, so once again I am participating in #Reverb 13.

There are at least two programs going with this hashtag, and I'm signed up for both. One is through Kat McNally, and you can sign up and find info here.

The other is titled Project Reverb and is hosted by another Kat, Sarah, and Meredith, whose blog I've read for a long time. Signup and info is here.

Already I'm a day late, but we attended A Cascade Christmas in Redding yesterday, and were out much of the day. It was, by the way, the perfect way to switch into holiday mode, with a lovely blend of nostalgia, warm fuzzies, a touch of religion, and a bunch of familiar carols, sung skillfully in one blended number by a group dressed in lovely Victorian garb. Tickets are still available for next weekend here.

Prompts for Dec. 1 were:
1. How do you feel, on this first day, in your mind? In your body? In your heart? In your soul?

2. At the start: Where did you start 2013?  Give us some background on this year.

Let's see if I can manage both, but beginning with #2.

New Year's Day found me sitting in Tony's recliner with my left foot plastered to the knee and propped up on multiple pillows. That's where I remained for most of January, venturing out only to the doctor for post-op exams, and once to get my shaggy hair cut and have lunch at the tail end of the month. I'd had a triple arthrodesis Dec. 27.

There were blessings to this forced convalescence, and I wrote about many of them early in the year. While there is still one of the fused joints still healing, the other two show new bone and fusion, but I can walk without pain and am very  glad I had the surgery. This year has been about healing and recovery, not only from the surgery, but from the fear and anxiety and angst I had had about it and other parts of my life.

With the exception of worry and fear about my daughter's safety and unbelievably awful living situation, at this moment my life is better than it has ever been. I am so grateful for the friends and neighbors who helped us during my recovery, and for the wonderful support and care that my husband gave to me then and always.

Which brings me to the first prompt: see that very first sentence on the last paragraph. That's how I am in my mind and heart. One thing I know: I can save one life, and it is not hers. That is up to her, and I have finally gotten out of her way so that she can continue her own journey. I cope better with it some times than I do others, but I am doing it. And I pray that her angels will keep her safe and help her to get away from the badly broken people who are living with her. She knows I love her.

I still feel fragile in my body, but it doesn't hurt and gets me where I need to go. Through the rehab I did this year, I finally understood that going to a gym has nothing to do with looking better and everything to do with getting stronger and more flexible. Yet I confess that the heat this summer did me in for regular visits, and I have not started back yet. My intention is to resume regular visits and classes because I know results will show quickly and I will feel better and less fragile.

I am continuing to focus on energy and spiritual work, and my connection to the Universe is strong and powerful, although I still would like a like-minded group to work with. My teacher Jessie has helped me tremendously this past year to dump bad energy and increase good, healing vibration and spirit, and I am grateful to her.

Onward.

Once in a Blue August Moon 13: Day 5 -- Yearnings

The prompt: Have you developed new yearnings so far this year? Let go of old ones?

Although spirit has always been part of my life, I am feeling the desire to increase that connection. I'm not certain exactly how to do this, however, and it's vague about how it wants to manifest.

Traditional church is not really an option for me anymore, although I've certainly put in a lot of volunteer hours, choir time, and pew sitting. I have friends who have found like minds at the Center for Spiritual Living in Redding -- but a drive time of 45 minutes minimum to attend services or classes is not really what I want to be doing regularly. I am not aware of any similar congregation where I live.

As I was learning how to use energy, I developed an interest in learning Reiki, although I am not interested in establishing any sort of business around it. But I have been so helped to heal by others that I would like to better learn how to give back. Anyone want a willing student?

I suppose I am a theist, but cannot really call myself 'Christian' although my roots are there, and I do find comfort in hymns and ritual.  I have long felt drawn to angels, and feel strongly that they are around me and protect and help me and my loved ones.

There is power and peace in yoga practice, in meditation, and in prayer for me. But I want more. And I am ready, I think, to move ahead. I do believe that 'when the student is ready, the teacher will appear,' (attributed to Buddha)  so I am keeping my mind and heart open.

Same old, same old ... sorta

I'm still spending a lot of time reading with my foot up, but last week I graduated to a cam walker boot and am now lurching from room to room using a walker.

Nothing like a walker tricked out with a basket in front and glides on the rear legs to make you feel old.

But it helps me with balance and to ease the stress of putting weight on a foot that's been screwed and glued back together, and that hasn't had weight on it for two months. The leg looks better than it did a week ago, when it was all flakey skin and emaciated muscle and bloody steristrips, but bearing weight causes some redness and swelling -- something the doc said is needed for the bone to heal well -- and some discomfort -- even downright pain, especially on the side and heel. Tylenol takes care of it pretty well.

I don't know how long I'll be in it, but suspect it'll be at least another two or three weeks minimum. I'm most afraid of falls at this point, so am very careful where I put my feet.

We take a lot for granted when we're younger, don't we -- skipping about on heels and flimsy sandals, thinking little about walking in fashionable boots on icy sidewalks, going barefooted outside and in. Time was when I jumped rope and skipped and danced and tromped around on uneven rocks and ground, generally fearless. No more, although I'm not quite sure when that left me. I suppose that's another sign of aging, that awareness of how damaging a fall can be.

At any rate, I'm in another phase of healing, and still am grateful for how well the foot has healed, how little desire I have to resume life as I was living it before the surgery, and how free I am feeling to do things that I want to do, like reading and watching movies. I still feel very positive about the outcome and am grateful to all the friends who have helped us in this process.

*****************
So I'm still reading. Lots of beach-type reading, actually -- nothing in this group would classify as literary fiction. Most were either free or under $3. The Kindle Deal of the Day can be pretty good, as can the list of top Kindle books under $3 or the top 100 free books.

The Witch's Daughter was not as good as I'd have liked it to be. It switches back and forth from present day to the character's past, and I could easily put it down. (A 2.99 pricetag when I bought it.)

The Rose Garden was also fairly predictable, although mostly entertaining. Some time travel in this one, but not a compelling read. (99 cents when i got it.)

The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane was a bit more engrossing and included a bunch of Salem witch trial history. Price was definitely right at $2.99.

The Fortune Quilt was sort of fun, and it was a Kindle freebie at the time. (Kindle owning friends -- I can lend this one. Let me know.) I liked  the vivid descriptions of the little Arizona town and some of the plot twists.

Firefly Beach was iffy. I know it had a lot of favorable reviews, but I thought it was too heavy on the narrative and rather stilted on the slightly paranormal aspect. The time frame was unrealistic and many plot elements stretched belief to the point of breaking. I can lend it, but am glad it was on the free list and that I didn't pay for it.

The Blue Tail (a gift) and The Fish Wife (lent to me) were both paperback books, and I just loved them. The Blue Tail includes poetry by Mary Oliver and is set mostly in Bandon, Oregon -- one of my favorite coastal places -- and is about a teenager understanding and accepting her heritage and worth. What was not to love!

 The Fish Wife is a fantasy-filled story that takes the reader from misty Ireland to the desert Southwest, and enchantingly fills in the story of the Old Mermaids in the desert. It was a quick read and lovely. The author has a great ear for dialogue and I loved that I could 'hear' the characters tell the story.

I've got several other freebies loaded on the Kindle, and am reading one now that was recommended to me by a blog reader: The Accidental Peacemaker. Being the bargain hunger that I am (and realizing that not only is this a first-time novelist, the book is also self-published), I could not see paying $10, but I was able to use the Amazon Prime Library to borrow it!

It's kind of all over the place with a LOT of detailed location description (I could drive to most places mentioned from the directions), a plot that is interesting but that goes into a lot of directions: is it an action thriller about local militias and Muslim training camps? A romance between middle-aged people? A finding-oneself introspective novel? A guide to fishing in Oregon? A self-help how-to book on meditation? Huh. I'm still reading it but have NO idea where it's going.

I'll give you the lowdown when I'm finished with it.

**************

I'm also sort of doing an e-class on being a Spiritual Nomad. Sort of, because I'm not actually DOING a lot of the exercises, although I'm THINKING them through and that in itself is an interesting process. Tony and I have talked through some of the projects too, which has made for some good conversation. I understand how I got to where I am spiritually (at least better) and the influences on my spiritual life, and even did a Guru board on Pinterest, which was sort of fun and revealing. I suspect I'll come back to some of the lessons and contemplate or even perform some of the tasks a little more thoroughly.

What I'm understanding, though, is what I pretty much knew: I miss having a community of like-minded people to interact with on a regular basis, to celebrate ritual events with, to sing and celebrate with. My beliefs are not easily categorized into a denomination or even a 'religion,' but are based in a belief in a higher power and a strong ethical belief system.

It's been good for me, though, and it fits with all the gratitude and energy work I've been doing. Cultivating that positive outlook and enjoying where I am is a huge gift.

************

Movies and television! We've seen a bunch over the last two-plus months. Just watched the Showtime documentary "History of the Eagles,' about the 1970s-present day band, and loved seeing how they evolved and changed, and hearing the music again.  Loved 'The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel' with an older ensemble cast. I've seen several unremarkable ones that were fun and entertaining but nothing I'd go out of my way to see, too. We continue to enjoy several regular series, including Enlightened, Californication (!!!), Shameless, and House of Lies currently on HBO and Showtime, and Person of Interest and Scandal on network TV. I also watch Grey's Anatomy, Smash, The New Normal, and Monday Mornings, and try to catch Glee (although this year has been disappointing). We've sampled The Americans (still evaluating), The Following, and Banshee (and removed those two from our list). With TV schedules bringing in new shows far more often, that list will change over the next few months, I'm sure.

And that's where I am.

Connecting to spirit

The energy work I've done/am doing in preparation and as post-operative treatment for my surgery is very spiritual for me, connecting to a Universal energy that thrums deep in the earth as well as in me.

The mountains that we see from our house remind me daily how powerful and all-encompassing that energy is. The trees, the birds, the red dirt, the greening of the meadows -- all these emphasize how energy is within us and all around us, and that it never, ever dies.

“Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.”― Albert Einstein

Tony and I have had many recent conversations about energy and how it works within us. We ARE energy. What is within us does not die when our body does, so where does it go? What does it become? I have always liked Emerson's 'Oversoul' essay which I read as a high school senior, and it still explains best for me what happens to our soul, our personal energy, when the body is no longer needed. For me, it explains the inter-connectedness of everything living. Perhaps it is simplistic, but it works for me, and I can feel the connection with those I love now as well as those whose bodies are no longer on this earth. 

I am learning to take in energy, to receive it from the earth and from crystals, and from the Universe, and to make it move within my body and limbs. 

And yes, I know how 'woo-woo' that sounds, and that others will have other explanations for it, something that fits within what they perceive as logical and reasonable and practical. 

Thankyouverymuch. *smile*

But for me it works, just what I'm doing and what I'm learning from my beautiful, practical, amazing teacher Jessie.

A Buddhist proverb says that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. While I have known Jessie for several years, and indeed have experienced her healing skills, this time I knew that I needed her, that the only way I was going to get through the fear and anxiety that was threatening to take over my entire life was through her help. She agreed immediately to be that healing help for me.

In the process of practicing the energy work and going within, I also have been doing a lot of reading, and just completed Anne Lamott's new little book Help.Thanks.Wow: The Three Essential Prayers .I've loved her conversational approach to spirituality for a long time and have several of her books on my bookshelf already. This one really speaks to where I am now and what I need, how I talk to the Universe/God(dess), and I savored each section. I'll re-read as necessary...

I haven't called myself 'religious' for a very long time, but have always known that there is a deep spiritual desire and connection within me. There are things I miss about the churches I grew up in and attended as an adult: the communal worship, a lot of the music (which transcends any religion and goes straight to God/Universe), and some of the church activities I was active in -- choir, suppers, events, etc. SOME of them. Not all. I do not miss the politics of a big church, nor the judgmental attitudes, nor the guilt that sometimes comes with participation and attendance. I would be interested in a community of like-minded people who are not necessarily tied to one particular denomination or even belief system, but who believe in right action, right speech, kindness, gratitude; who accept energy work and reiki and angels as a part of the work we are all here to do, here to find and to share.  

I am so grateful to the people who have helped me come this far, and I embrace this journey here and now. I am beginning to be aware that this surgery on my foot was necessary, not just to fix my ability to walk, but for my ability to BE and to learn and to grow spiritually. Deep gratitude for you, my teachers, my friends and mentors. ~Blessings~

Saying one thing and doing another

I was raised in the United Methodist church by parents who very much lived their faith and values, and who taught my brother and me to do the same. Questioning and discussion was certainly permitted, even encouraged, and we had many lively conversations over the years about faith and action and beliefs.

As a college student, I took required religion courses at my church-related college, and studied not only the Bible, but many theologians. Again, discussion was encouraged by my professors.

Over the years I've attended and been active in various United Methodist churches and an active participant in many social justice issues and on various boards and committees, many of them ecumenical.  I know a fair amount about many other churches, denominations, and religions.

I'm no longer involved in a church. But I am a spiritual person. I have a strong moral code and beliefs that have evolved from my earliest experiences with the church. I try to live my faith and my values, and I believe in God, in a Higher Power.

But I am just absolutely baffled by those who call themselves conservative Christians but whose actions are anything but reflective of what Jesus taught us about God and about forgiveness and tolerance and love.

I don't understand how a person can pepper a Facebook page with proclamations of God's love and "Praise Jesus" and then on the same page, even the same day, post or re-post vicious condemnations of gays and lesbians, of Jews and blacks and Catholics and Mormons and Muslims. Attack our president for his support of marriage for gay people as well as heterosexuals. Declare that women are not capable of making their own reproductive choices for any reason, but some man knows better than they do and will make it for them!

I don't understand how on the one hand they can pray to Jesus to sell their house or get a new job or a new car or help them through a divorce or a custody battle or other of life's difficult times, and on the other proclaim that everyone who is on disability or who receives welfare benefits is a drug addict or lazy, fat, freeloader.

Or how they can love Jesus soooo much but not forgive someone who hurt them in the past or even to consider that perhaps that person has changed. Or to bear a grudge that is rooted in something that happened decades ago. Shun a person who they believe has wronged them, without explanation, without discussion or even attempts at reconciliation. But Jesus can heal all, Jesus will save us, Jesus forgives our sins? Huh?

Or somehow rationalize that it is all right to kill a doctor who performs abortions, safe and legal abortions, and to condemn those women who might seek one for any reason as 'babykillers.' How does that make sense? How does that demonstrate love and compassion?

This is not the Christianity I was raised with.

Instead, Christianity today seems to be increasingly populated with those claiming to be 'good' Christian people who advocate -- or at the least turn a blind eye to violence, discrimination, anti-Semitism, and prejudice. They are anti-gay, anti-women, anti-immigrant, anti-Jew, anti-black, anti-poverty. They consider their brand of Christianity to be the ONLY way, and if you don't believe as they do, you are clearly going to hell, and might even deserve to be punished, if not outright murdered.

Jesus was a Jew. He hung out with former prostitutes, tax collectors, thieves, the poor, the mentally ill, the crippled, the unpopular people. He taught tolerance and caring and compassion for everyone. He taught that loving others as much as we love ourselves is the right way to live. 

I'm not seeing it. Not by those who pray the loudest anyway. 

June doings

It's not for lack of subjects or opinions that I haven't posted since early this month. I have plenty to say, as those who know me well will attest, and sometimes I'm sure they wish I'd shut up.

I participated in a mystery dinner theater mid month to benefit our county's branding project -- a fund raiser for a professional marketing and branding guru to create campaigns that highlight our county's biggest assets -- among them are wine and olives.

It was an experience. I've done this before, about five years ago, and it's fairly corny -- lots of scantily clad women (excluding me, I might add), chase scenes, cat fights, raunchy humor, and a thin plot. The crowd loved it. It was a sellout both nights. And it involved a fair bit of rehearsal that last week, and a lot of willingness to adapt and change. It wasn't a particularly artistic experience and I sure didn't 'stretch' my acting -- I mean, I can play overbearing and bitchy blindfolded with both hands tied behind my back -- but the cast members are wonderful and I loved nurturing those relationships. That was the payoff for me.

On top of that  I'd waited until the 11th hour to finish the 45-hour required real estate coursework to renew my license for another four years, not that I really plan on using it. But it took a lot of work to get it and you never know... so I was studying and taking online tests during the early part of the month as well. It's done. I could indeed sell real estate again in California, under a licensed broker. 

And then there was a memorial service for a woman we met only a few times but are good friends with her partner and wanted to support him. It was an amazing service and I only hope that when my time comes that people are as loving and generous with their tributes as we heard at this service.

One thing in particular made me wish I'd known her better. Her spiritual path was very important to her and she'd studied in India, worked with practitioners from various spiritual paths, and her service was held in a Christian church designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. She was completely comfortable incorporating ALL of these practices into her own spiritual belief system and embraced all of them -- I love that, and found that to be eye-opening, especially since there were so many others there who seemed to feel the same way. The service was a mashup of  Eastern chants, Christian ritual, music from all of them, and poetry. Many were dancing at the end as a trio sang "The Great Storm"; my leaky face dripped tears because it was so perfect, such a joyous acknowledgement of who this woman was, of who we all can be.

There is no doubt that her children and our friend will miss her terribly, and there were moments of grief that just tore at your heart, but it was a great sending-off and ended with a reception and chocolate cake -- her wishes, since she was known for her desserts and homemade bread. She was only 65 and died of cancer -- a fairly prolonged death, hard on her and those who loved her.

Then this last Saturday, we recorded Tony's first radio theater script for New Radio Theater. His is an adaptation of Rudyard Kipling's Rikki-Tikki-Tavi, and a number of wonderful north state actors came together to interpret it. We were cast as the great cobra Nag and his wife Nagaina, and had a great time hissing evilly. This is Tony's first script and he was just delighted that it was accepted and recorded for play later in July. I'll put the date and time as soon as I know for sure. It was quite a red-letter day for him, and I was very proud of him and the end result. He's now at work on an original script.

And earlier in the month we had a lovely picnic with our now three-year-old grandson, his brothers and sister, and our daughter V in a park area near their home. Gabe took to the plasmacar that we gave him without any instruction and rode it all over the adjacent parking lot, as did the other kids and even his momma! It was a fun afternoon, a little piece of normalcy and celebration within a lot of busy-ness and turmoil. 

That's the 'doing' stuff for this month. There has been more 'being' stuff going on too, some of which I'm still pondering and trying to figure out. Not all of it has been especially fun -- including the ongoing state of the economy and turmoil over the budget, and with that, Medicare and Social Security, topics which at our age loom quite large in our priorities. Change is afoot for our children again, and we have become pretty good at holding our opinions and tongues close, although it is an uneasy compromise at times.

And the month which began in rain and cool weather also draws to a close with more rain and cool temperatures today (although we'll be up to 100 this weekend again) -- unusual weather for these parts, welcome though it was. Friday will bring a new month with new beginnings and who knows what endings we may find.

Reverb 10 -- There is no try. And healing is in process.

For Dec. 18 -- Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?

Well, it won't be skydiving or bungee jumping, I can assure you of that. Heights are not my thing. Neither is reckless adventuring. And yes, I know it can be perfectly safe if done correctly.

I'd like to try to do the same things I've not succeeded in doing in 2010 -- exercise some daily, or at least more days a week than not -- treadmill or yoga. Lose 20 pounds. Finish organizing the office and clean out the closets and drawers. Get rid of the stuff in the attic that is just there because I didn't do anything else with it.

Start the book. Figure out what it should be and just write.

2010 was not my year for trying things. It was a year for patience, for perseverance, for resolution, at least in some areas.

It would be good to expand that in 2011 to include try.

However, Yoda says, "Do or do not...there is no try."

Maybe that's a better way to approach this new year.

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For Dec. 19 -- Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

I was physically healed (my wrist) through patience, through persistance, through just putting one foot in front of the other and showing up. It was definitely drip-by-drip, and it took a good six months.

I don't know that my psyche was healed. It was definitely skewed by that accident and the subsequent change it brought to my life, among other events. I think I've been in a slow healing ever since, actually, and as I approach this new year, I know more about me and where I am in this life journey than I did last year at this time. It's definitely been a year of change and transition.

There are scars I bear from wounds not fresh but which still need some healing from the inside out. There are disappointments and sadnesses that need further soothing, continued healing. I make progress; I am not done with them. But I am learning to release.

Reverb 10 -- Community and being different

Two in one today -- yesterday's prompt:

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

Facebook has been a developing source of community for me this year, but what it's done is to deepen friendships with people I met elsewhere (not online) because we comment back and forth nearly daily, or 'like' each other's comments, and then when we do see each other, we know more and feel more comfortable with each other. That online presence is growing into more regular face-to-face friendship.

I've also reconnected at least some with family members who I've not laid eyes on in decades, and a few long-ago friends from school or past jobs, and it's been fun to get a glimpse of where they are now. I'd hestitate to say that I 'know' them anymore; yet, through their comments, photos, even the games they choose to play, I can get the flavor, if not the substance.

For the coming year, I'd like to join/deepen a spiritual community, but not necessarily one based in a physical church/building. I am drawn to those who find spiritual nourishment in the earth, the moon, the heavens, and in support of each other.

************
And today's:

Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

Man, this is hard for me. I see myself as different, but not often as beautiful. And yet my husband and some of my friends are so affirming of me and of who I am, and it helps me to see myself a little more through their eyes.

I do not play headgames or corporate political games very well at all, never have, and that has earned me the 'difficult to work with' label on occasion. I pretty much either say what I think or I shut up completely. I work to control my body language and my rubber face, because it's easy to see what I think or feel about something and I don't always want to advertise that.

As I age, I see that as a positive thing. I no longer need to be around people I don't like and don't trust just because it's the 'nice' thing to do, and I don't work with any of 'em anymore either. So I avoid being in situations where I encounter such folk.

I don't tolerate lying and meanness and bullsh*t well. At. All. Lying to me destroys trust quicker than anything else.

I work at being kind and compassionate, at being a loyal and true friend (I value loyalty very highly), at speaking my truth through my words both written and spoken, but not abrasively, at least deliberately. I try to listen with both my ears and my heart.

I have lots of experience with patience, with waiting, and although I chafe internally against it, I know that all things change eventually -- nothing lasts. I think I project calm assurance, generally, and people respond to that. It's sort of the 'fake it 'til you make it' attitude sometimes, but it usually works.

I sometimes have insights and intuitions about situations and ideas that are so clear and logical to me but which often strike others as innovative and creative. I'm told that I'm wise -- which I love -- but don't necessarily see it as wisdom, but rather opinion born from practicality and life experience. Perhaps that IS wisdom?

I have a wicked sense of humor and will find that nugget even in fairly grim-looking situations, sometimes to the exasperation of my daughters who have claimed I make a joke out of everything. I think that's better than falling to the ground sobbing in despair, however. I try to see the positive spin to every situation and to nearly every person (although there are a couple who I believe are just plain EVIL and beyond redemption at least in this life).

Although in the past I longed to be NOT tall with great hair that would curl gently around my shoulders, a body that was curvy but not plush, and a voice that didn't carry everywhere, I gave that up years ago. I like my eyes, my hair, my expressive face, my voice. I can see parades and performers over crowds of people, and in a hat and cape, I can wow a room.

I can soothe a crying baby or a troubled adult with my arms and my voice and my words. I can tell a story or play a part that keeps the audience hanging on my every word. I can reach most ears in a crowded room without benefit of a microphone. And I project confidence and calm. Mostly I like who I am; most importantly I've made peace with who I am.

Books -- Day 4

Day 04 – Your favorite book or series ever

'Ever,' when you're 62 years old and have been reading since age 5, is a long time. I don't know. I have had important books in my life at different stages and ages. To call out one as my 'favorite' is pretty nigh on to impossible.

One that definitely contributed hugely to my life as it is today was "A Path with Heart" by Jack Kornfield, an American Buddhist priest and founder of Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, CA, Marin County. It's one I probably should re-read and see what it says to me now.

I heard about it in about 1996, when I lived in Birmingham and had just discovered the Internet world. I frequented a chatroom, Syadash, housed on a site that was, shall we say, a more 'adult' oriented site, and certainly didn't expect to find what I did:

A gathering, probably serendipitous but with overtones of predestination, of some of the wittiest, most literary, intelligent people I have ever met, all in one place for a brief period of time. I believe we all needed what we found in that group. It didn't last long, maybe a year, but even today I think of them with every full moon, with every lime I slice, and when I look at the little carved moon talisman that sits on my desk, and I say a little prayer for each of them.

We all had pseudonyms, of course. I ended up meeting at least five of them in 'RT' -- real time -- including two of them who helped me in my move to California.

It was there that I was introduced to Kornfield and Buddhist practice, and I remember reading and sobbing my way through "A Path..," recognizing that I was in good company with my own struggles and doubts within the Christian church. I don't think I read any fiction that whole year -- I read Kornfield, Thich Nat Han and others who were on that path of right thinking, right action, loving kindness. I absorbed "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Slightly off-topic, I read Gail Sheehy's " New Passages" and realized that I was in the throes of huge change that was not unexpected nor a phenomenon. I found a meditation group in Birmingham, unlikely as that may seem with churches that had whole blocks as part of their physical plant, and learned to use meditation as a tool for coping. When I traveled on business to San Francisco for a 10-day training and video shoot, I enjoyed a day-long weekend retreat at Spirit Rock with Kornfield and saw for the first and only time an aura around someone -- him.

That book was quite a transformational experience for me. While I am not Buddhist nor practicing much meditation these days, and reading more beachy fiction than inspirational non-fiction, I was forever changed as a result of that little group of people and the encouragement I found to become my true self.

Thanks to Lacy, Angelfire, gentle one, Graham, Fortune Cookie, Avery, Agassi, North Star, Glory, and so many others whose chat names I can't remember now, but who were there at that magical time. May you be happy, may you be well.

Just another ordinary Sunday

...punctuated by rain and wind as has been the case lately. Absolutely not one whit of progress on getting RoundUp on the weeds, which are growing almost visibly, but you can't do it when it's going to rain or with a lot of wind, and we've had both every weekend for weeks -- or have had other appointments that couldn't be postponed. It'll be waiting for us...

We've got a fire in the woodstove, a brisket in the crockpot, granola in the oven, and the dryer is full of clean clothes. Tonight is the season premier of The Tudors, another episode of The Pacific, a two-hour Brothers and Sisters. And the DVR holds several other goodies including the latest James Bond, Quantum of Solace.

Tony's taking a nap. So are the kitties. I just finished up one layout for a program I'm doing and caught up on some reading. Life is good.

I finished Martha Beck's Steering by Starlight last night and will ponder the book for some time to come, I think. It made me puddle up at the end even -- this is, I suppose, not the usual response to a self-help book.

She quotes Einstein as having said that there are two ways to look at life: as though nothing is a miracle or though everything is. And her example of waking up in the morning (miracle), drinking a cup of coffee (miracle: coming from a far distant place to my cup), going online (miracle!) are examples of gratitudes, of blessings we all have and rarely think twice about.

She quotes Mary Oliver: "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

And she says, after a whole book of exercises designed to help us find our Stargazer selves, "If you're afraid you've come to this question too late (the Mary Oliver one), you are wrong: ... The world is re-created in every instant of time, and this moment is always your life's beginning."

Beck ends with a poem that begins, "Live while you are alive..."

In something else I read in the past couple of days -- and it may have been referenced in this book too -- a teacher asked his class what they would do if they learned they had six months to live. Answers ranged from travel to eating whatever they wanted. As the teacher shortened the time, though, to one month to one week to one day, the answers became focused on relationships, on people, on love.

And then he asked the question again: What would you do if you knew you had six months to live? And how do you know you do?

Life is short. It is fragile, but it also is immensely strong and powerful, even when we have had hard things happen to us. But it is all we have, this one 'wild and precious life.'

Blessings

Saturday morning found us sitting inside the church at the Abbey of New Clairvaux to attend the Abbatial Blessing for Father Paul Mark Schwan as the new abbot of the Abbey.

I met Father Paul Mark last fall when I wrote a story about their Sacred Stones project, and truly enjoyed our conversation. I believe it was from that interview that we were invited to attend this remarkable ceremony.

I'm not Catholic, although I've had friends who are, and in high school I spent some lovely times with several nuns (and a couple of friends) in Springfield, Mo. It was right around the time of Vatican II, and the sisters were going from traditional habits to much more informal ones, and changing their names to boot -- i.e, Sister Mary Noel became Sister Mary Carol. They belonged to the Sisters of Loretto. I don't know if the order is still associated with the Catholic schools there or not.

But the "highest" service I've ever attended was the Easter Vigil Mass. The liturgical purpose was different, but it had all the lovely ceremony and very formal liturgy. We sang most of the service, led by an intrepid quartet of monks, much of it in Latin. There was a magnificent processional with representatives from not only Cistercian orders, but -- I believe -- others in the area and perhaps from farther away. The service was led by Father Jaime Soto, the bishop of the Diocese of Sacramento.

It was all incense, candles, music, prayers, liturgy, and an incredible wave of holy energy surrounding Father Paul Mark and all of us in attendance. He has shouldered a magnificent burden -- to be the "Christ" among the community -- and it was an honor and privilege to be present.

The Abbey itself is such a peaceful place, surrounded by walnut and plum orchards and dotted with vineyards whose harvest makes their signature wines. We had cloudy skies and splatterings of rain throughout the day, but the rain feeds the trees and plants. It was good for our souls to experience and participate.

Later that afternoon I went to a drumming demonstration at Heartfelt in downtown Red Bluff. Although my purpose was to take photos and get interview for an upcoming story, I was drawn to the drums too, I'll confess, and was invited to participate.

Drumming is very old and is rooted in every culture, although I believe the djembe is the favored drum for drumming circles. It is elemental: reflecting the heartbeat, the breath, and is at once a communal and deeply personal experience. I found it therapeutic, energizing, and I want more! Although very different from the morning's experience, this one was no less spiritual.

Blessings come to us in many ways, if we open ourselves and our eyes to acknowledge and accept them. I felt very fortunate to be part of both experiences this weekend.

Gratitude and grace

Our little group of friends gathered this weekend to mark another birthday among us -- not one of the "big" ones, but I'm beginning to think that celebrating birthdays at this stage in our lives is as important as it was back in grade school.

Then it was celebrating getting another year older, another year closer to more privileges, more fun, to adulthood. Now it's celebrating that we're another year older and not already dead, and that we're indeed blessed with friends we can party with!

Various conversations throughout the evening -- and someone commenting on how positive I always am -- made me stop and think about that. Sometimes I think I sound very "Pollyanna"-ish -- finding the gratitude in adverse situations, looking for the blessing. And I assured them that I have to work at it, that I'm not always just a bouncy bundle of joy and optimism.

It isn't that I don't recognize problems and bad things. I've had my share of depression over the years -- I have black, dark poetry from my college years to prove it! (Doesn't just about everyone!) I've gotten through some very bleak times with a little "better living through chemistry" help and some counseling a time or two.

Before 9/11, I was a classic news junkie -- read two newspapers daily, newsmagazine, online stuff, CNN. But I could not take the horror and collective grief and pain that the event generated, and cried my way through the next month, finally asking for some help from my doctor. When I finally came out of that, I was no longer a newshound. I still read two papers daily and newsmagazines, but I skim over the tragedies now and try to narrow my focus and keep my emotions in check.

I've learned to live with gratitude over the last 25 or so years, more so in the last decade. There have been some big changes and hard times in those years, painful and scary issues -- my parents' deaths, my uncle's death, my daughters struggling with their lives and own issues, our own huge change from working and living in the Bay Area to moving here and going into (and out of) real estate. These all have tremendous ice weasel potential, and there have been some big party nights for the creepy rat ba*s*a**ds.

But I've also read a lot of -- for want of a better term, spiritual -- books and stories of people who have faced far more adverse conditions than I, and have come through it with a positive spirit ... and grace.

And that's it -- the goal. Grace.

Today's Daily Om is about living with grace.

It doesn't mean ignoring what is going on around you, the pain, the chaos, the state of the world and the country and your own problems. It means learning to be aware of what ELSE is going on around you, of shifting focus much as you do as a photographer to capture something that maybe isn't quite so obvious. It means looking for the little blessings even in pain and confusion. Grace leads us out of the morass to a place where we can stand without sinking, and helps us see through the haze and the fog to find solutions for our situation and to understand how to change the things we can.

The only way I know to find grace is to practice gratitude. And it's hard some days: sometimes even just a warm shower can be your best moment of the day, or climbing into a bed made with clean sheets. But if you practice it when you're not in crisis, it will be there for you when you are.

The party was great fun -- and everyone agrees that we are all indeed blessed to have this circle of friendships....peter out or peter in....

Purification and renewal for this weekend

Today and tomorrow are, for many, the beginnings of spring. February 1 or 2 are celebrated as the Feast Day of St. Brigid, who, according to various sources, was the attempt to christianize the goddess Brigid.

Brigid traditionally is associated with home and hearth but also with wisdom, poetry, craftsmanship, and healing.

It also is Candlemas, the day midway between the winter solstice and the spring equinox, and traditionally associated with cleansing, renewal, and, of course, candles. But first Candlemas was known as Imbolc, associated with the flowing of ewe's milk for new lambs -- the awakening of the world for spring.

If you've noticed, the light is coming back: days are lengthening quite visibly. In just over a month, on March 9, we begin daylight savings time again -- spring forward. The dark is over for this winter.

My friend Lunaea gives directions for making your own Brigid's Cross. She says, "The cross represents the cross-quarter days of the wheel of the year and the sun and the balance of energies and elements, and many other fine things. For me, it also represents movement, progress, and radiant strength, all good things to affirm as the light returns to bless the land."

I've got a fire in the woodstove and will light candles tonight as I honor these days both pagan and Christian, and reflect on creating, purifying, and renewal.

May light shine in your life.