Deja vu (all over again)*

Another meeting this weekend was cause for serious deja-vu, and more bewilderment about ethics, moral codes, and people's behavior. While not a general meeting, this was a neighborhood board meeting, one of several throughout the year which I and others have been attending just to keep an eye on how business is being conducted.

The deja-vu came when the players mentioned here pretty much reprised their behavior of last fall. The six of us who came as interested parties were threatened with the sheriff -- the host and leader said that he had the right to throw any of us who disrupted the meeting off his property. At least two of us were ridiculed, insulted, and subjected to character assassination, including private business that had no place being aired at that meeting or any other.

I simply do not understand how a person can be so filled with anger and hatred that nothing but venom comes out of his mouth. I have never heard this person say anything positive about anything, and he obviously takes pleasure out of pushing other people's buttons, especially personal ones, and watching them react, and in being just as ugly and mean and nasty as you can imagine a person could be.

It's clearly a power thing -- he throws out a personal attack, and watches as that person reacts -- usually in anger and frustration and embarrassment. And he smiles. I watched him do it.

What could have twisted this man so deeply that he takes such pleasure out of causing others pain and humiliation? According to those who have lived here as long as he has, he has always been this way (and he's no spring chicken).

After last fall's meeting, I said that I was done wasting major time on minor people, and by golly, I have pretty much done that. I did not allow this man and his horrible comments to affect the rest of my day, nor to ruin my sleep. Except for a few moments when my honey was expressing his opinion and things got tense and my tummy sort of turned over, I have been pretty sanguine about it.

As writer Kim Antieau said today, you can change light bulbs, but you can't change people.

I have reflected a bit on his nature and on how bleak such a life must be to live. I know that the good thing to do is to say a prayer for him. But I simply do not understand at all how there can be a moral code by which such people live -- how do they even live with themselves? How could you find anything good or decent or loving in the world when you are so filled with anger and hatred, and behave in such an immoral way?

You either have morals or you don't. I think they're learned at a very early age, and I believe there are people who have none, who live only by a "do unto others before they do unto you" code. What a bleak existence.

The ultimate insult to these people is to be ignored and dismissed. And that's how I've begun to handle it. If I don't fuel their passion through my own response, they get no pleasure (although what masters of manipulation! They will stop at nothing to evoke a response, any response, and it is so difficult not to respond when your words are being twisted, you are being slandered, and your character is defamed so publicly, and of course you want badly to deny the lies.)

Next meeting is September. We'll see how I do.

*from Yogi Berra, who also coined such twists of the language as these. Scary that some of them actually make sense.

Nattering nabob of negativity -- or just nincompoop?

William Safire first penned that phrase, "Nattering nabobs of negativity," for a speech given by Spiro Agnew. It referred to members of the press, especially the liberal, anti-war media of the time.

Technically it means chattering by persons of great wealth or prominence that is marked by features of hostility, withdrawal, or pessimism that hinder or oppose constructive treatment or development.

I encountered -- again -- one such example the other night during a meeting of arts advocates. It wasn't anyone present; rather it is someone in the community who has decided to attack and belittle rather than to partner and build. We'll refer to that person as 3N -- Nattering Nabab of Negativity.

3N doesn't really fit the "nabob" category -- more like a 'wannabe' nabob, who because of the individual's approach to problem-solving, will likely fail in endeavors to be either wealthy or prominent. (Perhaps we could refer to this individual as a 'nattering nincompoop of negativity.')

But it sure made my blood boil briefly -- probably a result that was desired by 3N, actually, as I believe s/he rather enjoys stirring the pot and watching others hop.

When people partner to achieve common goals, everyone benefits and programs are strengthened. Especially in a small town, negativism divides, rumors fly, and nothing -- NOTHING -- is accomplished that actually has long-term benefits.

There is no hugely divisive issue at stake here, no radical philosophical differences that would preclude rapprochement. Far as I can tell, 3N is relishing the mean-spirited roadblocks s/he is throwing up, enjoying the discomfiture of those who would rather try to partner for causes that benefit everyone.

There are actually a couple of 3Ns around these parts. And it's a pity. Their superior attitude and contempt for the arts in Tehama County ultimately will hurt themselves most by alienating people who might otherwise support them. I don't want to nurture elitist and negative attitudes with my money and attendance and patronage. Bet you don't either.

Behaving ethically

I was abruptly reminded today that age and experience do not necessarily render a person either wiser or kinder. And in fact, in this case, I suspect that age and experience have probably rendered at least one man even nastier and more devious -- and I seriously doubt that he ever acted kindly toward anyone, including his family.

The unpleasant encounters came at a neighborhood meeting that was dominated by one man -- not the titular president, who himself showed an ugly, very autocratic face -- who somehow had buffaloed and bullied a majority of those present into supporting him and his agenda. While I know only a few of those present very well, and some not at all, I was simply floored by the overall meek acceptance as gospel truth of the vitriol this man was spouting.

It wasn't even that his proposals had no merit -- there was at least one that was fair and rational. But the way he had ramrodded it through a vote included out-and-out lying and slandering the characters and actions of two volunteers. At one point he boldly admitted in front of the whole group, "I lied." He nominated himself for election to an office, and when confronted with the fact that he had agreed not to seek a position again, declared that he would not leave the board.

And the group sat there, eating brownies and drinking soda, in tacit acceptance of his dismissive, disrespectful, and admittedly unethical behavior. And elected him.

The other man, also on the board and who also had agreed not to seek re-election, also admitted he'd lied, and publicly declared himself to be the sole authority on any road or road-frontage issues in the entire neighborhood, challenging one respectful objector to "Sue me."

And the group sat there. And a few expressed appreciation for his dedication. And stuffed their faces. And elected him too.

Both men were publicly abrasive toward others in the group, most especially and maliciously towards the two volunteers who were not present, and to the handful who raised objections or asked questions about process or decisions made during the year.

It turned ugly. There were raised voices. There were accusations and obscenities flung by several parties, but most clearly by the two liars who had just been again elected to office.

And most of the group just sat there, eating brownies and drinking soda, and saying nothing. Baaaaaa...

I'll confess that I was one of the objectors, and that I threw out a few zingers too. Although I'm generally very slow to anger, I hate lying above nearly anything -- save abuse of animals and people -- and I knew FOR A FACT that both men were lying about far more than they'd publicly admitted. I was shocked that they had managed to so thoroughly convince a group of individuals I'd thought had some intelligence to believe falsehoods and fabrications in order to achieve their self-serving goals.

And I was -- and am -- once again disillusioned and disgusted that unethical, dishonest, mean-spirited, downright nasty actions have been accepted as reasonable and tolerable behavior. It's not the first time I've seen this in the past few years, but it hasn't hit quite as close to home as it did today.

I continue to believe in right speech, right actions, right thought, right intention, right livelihood, right effort and right mindfulness as a way of life. I believe in the Golden Rule: treat others as you would like to be treated -- as a guiding ethic of life. I don't believe any of us are exempt from those moral principles, and I believe in karma: that what goes around comes around.

I just want to be there to see it. Okay, I work on that...

It was not a fun day. It's probably not over, either, because I believe there will be repercussions from today's actions. But I'm done. I will not waste major time on minor people. I have more interesting, more important things in my life. Thanks be.

Change brings stress and angst

I've been reminded these last few days by several incidents that everything changes, and life as you know it in this moment can change with a few words, a few actions. Change is the ONLY constant.

I'm also reminded that we are, at our core, fragile and susceptible, even though we may soldier through whatever difficulties are thrown at us and come out on the other side still walking, still functioning, even better, but not unchanged. For many of us, there is a strength inside that fragility that will not let us break irreparably....but not for all of us, and those are our sad walking wounded of life.

It is very scary when people you care about struggle with health issues or with devastating loss of trust and love. I wonder if they have the strong core, if they will survive the blows, and be able to find a good place again. And as much as I yearn to make it better, I know I can't. All I can do is stand by, arms open, and tell them I love them. And set my own boundaries in some instances, when their troubles blind them to the truth that they will have to face in order to move forward and begin to climb out of the pit.

It's even harder to watch when bad things happen for no apparent reason to people who are just trying to do the right thing and to live a conscientious life.

And yes, I know that I've written at some length on creating our own destiny through our choices and how we deal with the consequences of those choices, and yes, I still believe it. And I can see some consequences of choices made when I think about the incidents of recent days. And yet....and yet...it's not fair. It's not deserved. These are not BAD people, y'know? *sigh*

I've also been reminded that while *I* may work at being kind and watching my words carefully, not everyone does, and words can cause wounds that may not bleed but that are devastating nonetheless. (Mind you, I don't always succeed in the above intentions, but I do try...)

Sometimes life seems awfully complicated, with twisty dark places and power struggles and mean-spirited actions. It makes me want to run back to my refuge in the country and just stay put with my books and garden and Tony and cats, and not venture out for a long time.

This, too, shall pass. I pray for wisdom to know what to say and when to say it. And I pray for love and healing in all our lives.