Thursday, August 29, 2013

Once in a Blue August Moon -- Day 8: Letting Go

The prompt: What are three things you would like to let go of before the year is out? See if you can list three physical things and three emotional ones. For bonus points: conduct a burning ceremony or release your secrets into nature by writing them onto leaves/stones and dropping them into the nearest river/ocean.


Frustration, anger, resentment, grief. Tied  together in a Gordian Knot-like bundle, these emotions center on my relationship with a loved child who has a mélange of problems, some self-induced, some based (likely) on her heredity, some that began long ago and were inflicted upon her. Whether she is either incapable of or does not choose to address root causes is difficult to determine. There are resources available to help; I see little motivation. There has been a choice to engage in self-destructive behaviors, however, and so much of the story is clouded either by lies or omission that it is difficult to trust what I hear or see. I finally have been able to draw boundaries that work pretty well, but there is still grief for a relationship I'd always expected to be different than it is, and frustration that it is unlikely to change much. This one has taken years to get this far; I don't expect it to be resolved by the end of the year, or perhaps ever, but I am making a reluctant peace with what it is.

Instant judgment. Think Walmart Internet pictures here -- the people in the skimpy, inappropriate, weird, dirty clothing, or wild, sometimes offensive tattoos emblazoned on highly visible body parts, or painstakingly manicured false fingernails on someone who is holding a sign asking for money. Children screaming and running amok in stores and restaurants without any sign that a responsible adult is watching them.  I judge. Not positively either. And not every case is quite as extreme as these, but I tend to rush to judgment. I want to practice looking at everyone with kind eyes instead of judgmental ones. I do not know their stories. I do not know how they love, what they do, who loves them. They cannot know mine either, this Amazonian, slightly overweight, grey-haired woman who stands behind them in line. May my eyes and heart soften this year.

Self-criticism. That damned judge who sits in my brain and officiates over his kangaroo court needs to be permanently ousted. No more shoulda-coulda-wouldas in the middle of the night. And he can take his ice weasel deputies with him. I'm pretty good just the way I am, and if I screw up once in a while, I don't have to serve time in the dungeon of despair for it.


About 20 pounds. Okay, ten pounds. Keep working at controlling portions, at snacking, especially on absolutely not good for me stuff (back, you delinquent Snickers bar, BACK to the shelf, I say!) I will get there.

Fear because of my atrial fibrillation. My regular doctor has referred me to a cardiologist, a mutual decision.  His office hasn't called yet. I haven't either. A few tests and a good consultation will either confirm or allay my fears. As it is, when I'm in afib, I am anxious that there is more wrong than a mere sinus node malfunction even though I have no other apparent symptoms of heart disease. Gah.

Not going to the gym/yoga. I feel better when I go. I am stronger, have better balance, and I feel slightly self-righteous about doing good things for my body. I love the meditative movement of yoga (and plan on trying Tai Chi as well). But I am so good at making up excuses not to go 'today' -- too hot (and I DID turn into a mole when our weather was so hot for so long), things to do, going somewhere -- and that needs to stop. I am better when I do this: I need to act on it.

We're spending many days in September beside the ocean. One at a time, each of these will go to Mama Ocean's heart, and I will release the negative energy into her constant vigil, and take in the positive energy to my own soul.

1 comment:

Kat McNally said...

May your heart be spacious and calm always, Beth. x