Failure is not an option

I've been cranking yesterday and today -- writing business letters, doing advertisements, gathering information, tidying up messy areas, and working on a quarterly newsletter deadline .

It's too hot (okay, okay, so that's not news -- 113 degrees yet another day) to do anything else. Besides, being productive and crossing stuff off that long to-do list is very satisfying, in a righteous sort of way. Never mind that there are still some tasks that I continue to successfully procrastinate doing: it's about progress, not perfection.

Nonetheless, that old need to do things "perfectly," not to fail another's perceived expectations of the way I should be doing a task, is still there, drat it. I don't do failure well -- a trait that my daughter unfortunately shares. And failure doesn't have to be something big: it can be some niggling task, a tiny detail omitted, and if someone mentions it, I can blow off the whole deal as my failure.

That's not all the time, mind you. There are tasks where I just do the best I can with the information I'm given, and if someone finds fault, well, then, tough. And I can let it go. I've come that far, at least.

But when I'm the least bit fragile or doing something I'm a little unsure about, I hear "failure" in any criticism (I'd be the first to get fired in Trump's board room). This is not a good thing. It's also not new behavior: I've worked on this my whole life.

It does, however, have its advantages when deadlines draw near. I've always been very deadline-oriented, and while I might meet it by a hair, I nearly always make it. (Most of the time it's that fear of failure, of invoking someone's displeasure or their perception that my work is adequate but not excellent that is my primary motivation, however.)

And I'm harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be, another character flaw that I work on improving. It's rare that I really deserve the beating that I give myself --

But for these two days, at least, I've crossed items off my list. I'm moving in a better direction again, and that's a big accomplishment. Today I've done all I can, where I am, with what I've got. That's success.