Monday, March 05, 2007

Can you hear me now?

My past came calling today in two separate but connected phone calls.

First one-- as I was talking to a friend in her office -- was my ex who asked if I knew what was up with our daughter's cell phone (we all live in different states) which was indicating that she was "not accepting calls." I told him it was probably that she hadn't paid her bill...(which turned out to be true).

And then he talked. He calls every few months, sometimes to ask a question, sometimes to relay news, sometimes just to chat and catch up. We were married for a long time and parted amicably about 10 years ago.

So he told me news about people I knew, and I told him news about people he knew. He told me about a couple of trips he's taken or wants to take. I told him about ... well, no, I didn't. He's always been more interested in telling me what is going on in his life than he is in hearing about what's going on in mine. That hasn't changed. But it doesn't bother me anymore because I'm not in that life!

I genuinely hope he is happy...but suspect at least parts of his life are not quite what he'd hoped for. And I also hope -- small-minded though it may sound -- that he appreciates what I did for him and with him more than he did when we were married.

There were good times and many good memories in that life. AND. I'm very glad I'm not in that life anymore: where I am now is who I truly am, and my life with Tony is what I'd imagined so very long ago -- long before I ever contemplated any such change and certainly long before I'd ever thought of moving to California! The universe gives you what you ask for (and work towards). I am always filled with gratitude for Tony and our relationship after I speak with my ex.

The second call came in WalMart and was from said cell-phoneless daughter, who was actually calling on her work cell phone (which I didn't know she had). So I sat on a bench in the shoe department and we talked. It wasn't long enough to suit me, but oh boy...she was full of news.

Most interesting is that she's kicked her fiance out and is living alone (if you can call living with three cats "alone"). He has had serious physical problems almost since they've been together and she's seen him through four surgeries, some rehab, a lot of pain, and a lot of meds. She's paid for it all too, with a little help from his family, but she's supported him for the past two-plus years -- or maybe it's longer.

This is not what any mom wants for her child. You want your kid to be happy, to have enough money, enough love, enough work ... just enough of everything. Y'know?

But I struggled with keeping my mouth shut and tried to stay positive. I'd pretty much accepted that he was part of our family, and it wasn't that I didn't like him -- I just had hoped for more for her, a loving partnership, children, stability...

So she's back in the city where we moved when she was a freshman in high school, and is reconnecting with friends she'd missed while she lived in another city, and also because she's been so confined to home and work with her fiance's disabilities (and no, he hasn't yet been approved to receive disability benefits, although if ever there was a good case, he's it). And also for the first time in her adult life, I think she's okay with living alone. Okay, alone with three cats. She says she's fine, that she's spending time with a high school friend who was one of her closest friends back then...

I'm glad. I hope very much that she'll be able to take a look at what SHE truly wants to do and who she is. She's been such a caretaker for all her boyfriends and has given up a lot for every single one of them. I hope that perhaps this time -- a little older and wiser -- she can look at her own needs and figure out how to see herself without a man attached to her life.

Of course it took me a lot longer to do that! But she's not me.

And there is always a decent possibility that they'll get back together. And if they do, I hope they each bring some lessons learned back to the relationship. but i sortakindareally hope they don't get back together...that's between you and me....

Funny how life works. Funny how you hear things differently on a phone call than you do face-to-face. And it's clearer. I can hear better. Hellooooo....this is the universe calling....

No comments: