Thursday, September 23, 2010

Letting go -- again

Today's Daily Om is about control...just as in riding a roller coaster, you can either sit gripping tightly to the crossbar, teeth clenched in apprehension, or you can throw your hands in the air, let your body move to the curves, and enjoy the ride.

I'm really good at holding on. REALLY good. For far too long.

I admit that I do like to control things. I hate, even more than being lied to, being blindsided. And those things that blindside you are seldom pleasant ones, alas.

So I try to steer wherever I can, try to keep things on a level that I can manage, and pretty much try to see where they're going, and deter them if at all possible, without throwing myself directly in front of the bus that's about to hit them.

Nothing has gone off the rails lately, knock wood, but the Daily Om certainly did conjure some memories of not-so-pleasant experiences that I'm not anxious to repeat.

That said, because I DO like to manage things, I create a lot of stress for myself, a lot of pressure, and more than a little angst. Not healthy. Not even productive. Completely unnecessary and actually pretty stupid behavior. I'm supposed to be wiser than that at my age.

So I'm still (again) working on letting go: agreeing that I am powerless over people, places and things, and that I do NOT know better than anyone how to run things, especially the lives of other people.

Friends and family (and formerly co-workers) do have the right to their own choices and to make decisions for themselves that are -- from my lofty viewpoint -- fairly nigh on to stupid, if not downright destructive.

God knows -- oh, She does -- that my choices have not always been the best possible ones. Why, then, do I take on the burden of worry and action (when possible) that are not mine to manage? Maybe I think that I can do better with someone else's life than I have with mine?

(Actually, mine is a very good life, and I am grateful every day, multiple times every day. And that is despite some not very good choices in the past. I count my blessings, I ask for help for myself and also for those I love, and I try to be kind and to let people know that I care about them. I am very lucky to have what I do.)

So the only thing I really need to do is to let go: throw my hands up in the air and enjoy the ride on this coaster. See the views from the top of my own ride, and stop worrying about whether or not anyone else will be able to see the same views as I do. Their ride may be completely different, with even better views. I'd like to think so.

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