Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Monkey mind strikes again

I don't seem to be able to focus on just one thing at a time lately -- I'm hopping from one thing to another and task-oriented stuff is ruling my days. And my thoughts aren't very deep, although there is a lot of gratitude in them.

Thoughts -- daughters. We've heard from R and V lately: both say they are fine and happy. I'm not sure whether to ask questions or just let it be, y'know? Maybe it would be best for me to just accept what they're saying and stop trying to dig more deeply. They say they're happy; ergo, they are. Right? Uh huh. I am grateful to be hearing from them at all. I suppose that if/when things break that we'll hear soon enough. And maybe it won't this time.

You can hear the skeptic in that, can't you. Me too.

More thoughts: I'm hosting our bunco group this month, so I'm fairly obsessed with getting things ready and planning food and so on. I overthink stuff like this and I'm trying not to be quite so anal about it.

And I'm deep into office cleaning, so the room is a complete disaster. You know how things look even worse when you're sorting and cleaning and throwing? Well, that's it. I cleaned out Arts council paperwork over the weekend and handed it over to the new chair, so that was a big job that's done. But there's still so much left to go through and either pitch or save or store. And I'm busy obsessing, remember?

And I'm doing yoga twice a week. I love yoga, although when I'm working to balance or stretching tight hamstrings I wonder why -- and then we get to the final 10 minutes of relaxation and centering, and I leave with such a sense of calm. My muscles are achey tonight, and they will be tomorrow. It's a good ache though.

I'm practicing avoidance too with all this busy-ness. I'm avoiding getting my teeth cleaned -- partly because of the braces and the fact that we're in the home stretch with them, so the doc is working to straighten and align my bite, and a couple of teeth are very uncomfortable. The last thing that appeals to me is that high-speed cleaner thingy scouring already sore gums and teeth. Okay, I'm nervous. I'll get there.

I'm avoiding some work projects that need to get done too, but the desk is so awful I can't find my notes (I know they're underneath a pile) and besides, I'm not good at concentrating just now. So then I'll probably complain about the deadlines, when the crunch is really of my own making.

My brother just had his 57th birthday, and I was reminded that two years ago we celebrated that day with my mother in Springfield: a very sweet, poignant day with cake and remembrances and lots of laughing. The photo we took of the three of us is hanging in the hall along with other family and friend photos.

Yes, that anniversary is Oct. 30 -- and while it's easier than last year, I am still walking through those last weeks, remembering. There are so many times I wish I could call her and talk.

We're transitioning into winter these last couple of weeks, and especially yesterday with a soaking rain. The mountains are white already and nights are very cool. The wood stove is ready for the season and we will stack wood on the porch this weekend in preparation for the first fire, which isn't that far off. The kitties snuggle in blankets and furry pads in their houses at night, and they're porking up for the winter, coats turning thick and coarse.

It's time for wrapping things up, for cleaning the debris of the summer out, for preparation. Maybe that's what I'm doing, need to be doing. One thing at a time. One day at a time. Moment by moment, living this life, and being grateful for where I am, what I am.

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