Thursday, May 06, 2010


I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I wrote anything. I've composed posts in my head but they haven't made it to my fingers. Generally this is not like me...

and that's kind of where I am: not like me.

I'm full of oughta-dos, have a list of wanna-dos, and I keep busy, but I don't seem to "do" much of anything. The office is verrrrryyyyy slllooooowwwlllly taking shape, but I've been working on that for months and months. Despite all the reasons why I know I should and the fact that the treadmill is right near the computer, I don't get on it every day or sometimes even in a week. The garden has been stripped out but not tilled, the prayer flags from last year are bleached white and droop, and nothing has yet been planted -- although I will plant eventually. (Honestly, the weather has been almost too cool and windy to do things like tomatoes, although I know people have them out..)

I'm flat: not passionate about anything. Not depressed exactly either. But unmotivated, fairly uninterested (and probably uninteresting). Not struggling, but not moving ahead either.

We're doing a few medical tests to make sure it's not anything systemic and then we'll see.

Last night I lay awake until much too late with monkey mind, full of ideas of what to do, how to get this or that underway -- and that is not especially new. But in the morning, after I'm on the computer, it just sort of fades away and before I know it, it's afternoon and I haven't done a thing, or not much. Certainly nothing that feeds the creative, passionate part of me.

Lots of potential reasons, I think. Free-floating anxiety, ongoing situations that have no foreseeable resolutions, still some recovery from the mental blow and wrist fracture, although the physical part of that is pretty well healed and doing nicely.

One step at a time, I guess, and one thing daily that moves something along. That'll do for now.

And I'm going to be more conscientious about writing here, even if it's to list what I had for breakfast!

...which, this morning, was a breakfast sandwich on those lovely thin 100-calorie whole wheat buns, with egg, part-skim cheese, a bit of bacon. A little fruit. (Strawberries are coming into season: love fresh, right from the field berries.)...

I'll be back.

"Every silver lining's got a touch of grey...I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive."~~Touch of Grey by The Grateful Dead

No comments: