Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Reverb 11--Day 13-- Discovery and Fear

#1  Discovery: What is one thing that you discovered in 2011 that you use to make you happy even when you are having a bad day? A "Cookie moment" if you will. It can be a person, a song, a video, a book or something else completely!

#2 Fear - What scared you this year more than anything else? Did you learn anything new about yourself? 

#1 --When I'm having a bad day, it's usually a choice to wallow in it. There aren't many, really, but I can throw a really good pity party. And it's best enjoyed all by my miserable self. So when I allow my husband to hug and pet me, and talk gently to me, or when I actually reach out to a trusted friend to talk about what is bothering me, it totally ruins the bad mood that I've gotten myself into!

Allowing someone to actually help me is still fairly new to me, although I didn't just discover this in 2011. I've always been a 'I can handle this all by myself just fine, thankyouverymuch' kind of person, even when it was evident to everyone including me that I wasn't handling it very well at all. So allowing someone into my self-imposed dungeon is new, very positive change. While the underlying issue may still be around, letting love in changes my perspective on it. I'm very grateful for people who love me enough to take care of me even when I'm surly and snarly.

#2 -- Death scares me: my own or that of someone whom I love. It creeps into my thoughts, sneaking through the 'being in the moment' barriers I try to cultivate daily. It's happened to me when I have one of the heart-racing episodes I wrote about earlier. It happens when I've discovered that my daughter is seeing people or doing activities that jeopardize her already compromised health and mental stability. It can happen when Tony is a little later than I'd expected him, or when he doesn't feel good.

The fear is especially bad at night when the ice weasels come out of the darkness and start partying in my head. It doesn't even have to be a full-fledged party: just one or two will make my mind race with possibilities, few of them positive, and sleep becomes restless at best.

I know nobody is getting out of this alive. But I'm not ready for that final stage. I want to do more with my life and with my loved ones, and the possibility of not getting that opportunity is paralyzing sometimes.

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