Sunday, December 04, 2011

Reverb 11- Day 4

#1 Prompt: Addition through subtraction. What have you let go of this year and how has it affected you?

#2 Prompt: Fear. If you could take a pill to *cure* just one of your fears from 2011, which one would you choose and why?

#1: Letting go of things I cannot control or change has been a key element for me this year, most especially as it has related to our children and their lives and choices. I wrote more extensively on this here and here, although I can really see it in other posts from 2011 (and back...)

The poem "Letting Go" in that first post helped me to understand that by letting go of my fears and apprehension and the faint hope that I might affect the dreadful outcomes that the ice weasels whisper to me nightly, I am not giving up on my children nor on my love for them. I can love them as I always have, but I am not responsible for their choices nor outcomes resulting from those decisions. I cannot prevent them from making mistakes and figuring out how to live their own lives. And that part about nagging, scolding or arguing hit home big time. I wasted so much energy doing all of the above in the vain hope that it will make a difference!

Letting go is a daily activity for me and the effort, honestly, sometimes colors my days more darkly than I'd wish. But I am making progress. I am focusing more on my own life, "... determined to save the only life you (I) could save..."

#2:  Fear. I've had way too many ice weasel visits this year about different things going on in my life and in the lives of those I love (yup -- see above!) I think one of the most paralyzing fears, however, is cardiac neurosis: rapid heartbeat, palpitations, and extreme anxiety, but without any evident physical abnormalities. I'd happily take a pill to cure that particular fear!

It stems from 2002 when I was misdiagnosed with a heart attack. What I really had was a gangrenous gall bladder which the doctor finally figured out several days later when my fever did not subside. After I'd recovered from surgery and a nasty wound infection, I was thoroughly tested by a very competent cardiologist in the Bay Area who found no evidence of a heart attack.

I've had hereditary high blood pressure since I was in my early 30s and I know I don't exercise enough, but I do take care of my health and diet. But when my heart starts racing or palpitating for any reason, my anxiety just soars. Yuk.

1 comment:

mxtodis123 said...

Oh, Beth, I had to comment. My heart does the same races at times...and talk about anxiety. Mine goes through the roof, and I know that makes the palpitations worse. It is a frightening feeling.

Hoping this finds you and your family well. Happy holidays.